Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Icarus]

Git, that newspaper really must get a more vigilant proof reader.

[OldGit]

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife.  Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir.  Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''

[Guardian85]

An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk totally stressed out. He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic and it really helped, you should try it too!". Two weeks later when the manager arrives at his department he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice?".

"I did", answers the employee, "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!"

[Pasta Chick]

[Tank]

[OldGit]

Q.  Why is a camel known as the 'Ship of the desert'?

A  ˙uǝɯǝs qɐɹɐ ɟo ןןnɟ s,ʇı ǝsnɐɔǝq

[OldGit]

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?" God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too. 
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

[Bluenose]

A koala was  sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint (as they do)

When a  little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you  doing?'

The koala  said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the  little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a  few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry'  and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little  lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the  river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.  Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The  little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the  koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the  river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to  check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the  koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and  said,

'Hey  Koala!'

So the koala looked down at him and  said,

'Fuck  me....
How  much water did you drink!?'
               
     

[Magdalena]

^ ^ ^
LOL, that's hilarious! 

[Guardian85]

[Pasta Chick]

[Tank]

[Pasta Chick]

[LandShark]

A Catholic priest in training shows up at the Vatican where the newbies spend their time making copies of ancient books.
The new priest goes to the basement of the library saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others'
copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the other priests, wondering where their new
friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"

[Pasta Chick]