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Getting To Know You => Laid Back Lounge => Topic started by: no_god_know_peace on November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM

Title: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: no_god_know_peace on November 10, 2011, 12:46:34 AM
A man won the lottery and donated his winnings to a church. The pastor was questioned, "Don't you feel bad about taking this money that was won through vanity?" The preacher responded, "The devil's had it long enough. Now it's my turn."

let have a laugh :) anyone else got any ?

Note for new members. Please don't feel you have to read the whole thread before contributing duplication is not a problem in this thread!   ;D





EDIT. Modified title because I can never find the damn thread! - Tank
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on November 10, 2011, 01:38:59 AM
A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.

'Why?' asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

'Well, I'm a panda,' he says, at the door. 'Look it up.'
The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. 'Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hismikeness on November 10, 2011, 03:34:35 AM
Three intransitive verbs walk in to a bar. They sit. They drink. They leave.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Heisenberg on November 10, 2011, 04:03:29 AM
Why did the caterpillar traverse the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Oh, good jokes? No, don't have any of them.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 10, 2011, 08:19:14 AM
Why did the caterpillar traverse the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Oh, good jokes? No, don't have any of them.
Very good!

"We don't serve neutrinos."
A neutrino walks into a bar.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 10, 2011, 09:35:03 AM
Why did the electron cross the road?
To get to the other side, probably.



A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic cathedral. One of the parishioners notices him and turns the priest and says, "Why did you let him come in here?" The priest shrugs his shoulders and says, "We can't have mass without him."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding on November 10, 2011, 12:38:56 PM
Let us imagine a nice elderly couple, spending their retirement travelling the galaxy observing wildlife.
Earth's one of their favourites but it's been a few centuries since they visited.

Pa:  It says here there are now 7 billion humans, that's quite an impressive effort, we should have a little party to celebrate.
Ma: Are you sure?
Pa: Ye, let's make a guest list.
Ma: Oh, well OK, if you wan't.

Pa: Dodo, we must invite a dodo, remember those lovely birds.
Ma: Na, none left.
Pa: What, what happened?
Ma: Humans ate them all.
Pa: Ah well, there never were many of them though.
     How about a few passenger pigeons, remember the huge flocks that took days to pass?
Ma: Na, gone, eaten by humans.
Pa: Realy,,, oh.
      Great Auks?
Ma: Eaten
Pa: Oh dear, what about chickens?
Ma: Oh ye there's billions of them, they might have trouble getting away for the party though.
Pa: I think we'll leave the birds for now, how about those glorious black rhinos?
Ma: Probably out of luck there, only a few left locked in zoos.
Pa: What? surely humans haven't eaten all of them?
Ma: Humans use their horns for penile enhancement.
Pa: Penile enhancement?
      Is that really necessary? there's 7 billion of them!
      Hey wait a minute, you're having me on aren't you, rhino horn wouldn't help with erections, would it?
Ma: No, and no.
Pa: Javan Tiger?
Ma: Gone, humans object to being eaten.
Pa: Sharks, I know there's still sharks, remember we watched that movie on the trip over here.
Ma: Well there are sharks but they get a bit nervous for their fins around humans.



Ma: Don't you want to continue with your list.
Pa: Ah no, I think I'll leave it till later.
Ma: Well don't leave it too long.
      

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 10, 2011, 12:42:46 PM
TMP, this is a joke thread not a truth thread  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 10, 2011, 01:08:48 PM
Why is the Bible like a penis?
You get it forced down your throat by a priest.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: no_god_know_peace on November 10, 2011, 06:22:21 PM
Why is the Bible like a penis?
You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

Haha so TRUE  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on November 10, 2011, 08:15:13 PM
Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: not your typical... on November 10, 2011, 08:51:27 PM
Why is the Bible like a penis?
You get it forced down your throat by a priest.
hahaha! I don't think I've ever agreed with anyone more that you right now.
And as for my bad joke,
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the light bulb, and one to observe how it symbolizes an incandescent beacon of subjectivity in a netherworld of cosmic nothingness.
Came from Criminal Minds and I loved it... I was the only one in the room who got it and laughed.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding on November 11, 2011, 05:00:18 AM
Pa: But those lovely little marsupials should be OK, they're good at hiding, let's ask a desert bandicoot.
Ma: Eaten by foxes and cats.
Pa: But how? there were no foxes and cats on that continent.
Ma: People love animals and they couldn't bare to be without their cats.
Pa: Ah, and foxes do humans also enjoy the company of foxes?
Ma: No foxes are fun to kill, people can't be without their sport.
Pa: Oh well the formidable thylacine, they'd hold their own with foxes and cats.
Ma: They were cruel killers of sheep, couldn't let them get away with that.
Pa: Haven't any of the other intelligent species taken humans to task for their actions?
Ma: Dolphins sometimes try.
Pa: So what did the humans say?
Ma: I don't think they understood, didn't say anything, they consider it impolite to talk with a full mouth.
Pa: Do you think we should approach them?
      Why are you showing me that picture?
      Isn't that us on our wedding night?
Ma: No
Pa: Us after our 500th wedding anniversary celebration?
Ma: No it is a common human meal, Spaghetti and Bolognese sauce.
Pa: Oh.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 11, 2011, 09:46:07 AM
A WELSH JOKE

Dai had proposed to Megan and been accepted.
"But", added Megan, before we get married I must tell you something dreadful about my past life."
"No," said Dai, "I won't hear of it. You can tell me after we're married."
After they were married and had set off for their honeymoon in Penarth, Megan again brought up the subject of her "dreadful secret".
No," said Dai, "it can wait. Tell me when we're in bed together, that'll be soon enough."
That night as they got into bed Megan declared "Well, Dai, now I really do have to tell you my secret.
You see, I'm a virgin."
Dai didn't say a word but put on his clothes and travelled all the way back to his mother's house.
"Dai!" said his mother, "what are you doing here, you're supposed to be on your honeymoon."
"It's no good", said Dai, "I've had to leave Megan; it turns out she's a virgin."
Well, Dai," said his mother, "in that case you were quite right to come home.
If she's not good enough for the rest of the village she's not good enough for you."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on November 11, 2011, 04:52:14 PM
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  It's a hardware problem.


Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two - but don't ask me how they got in there...


Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Mauve.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: not your typical... on November 11, 2011, 05:49:41 PM
Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  It's a hardware problem.
Hahaha! Good one1 :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 17, 2011, 04:45:38 PM
A man walks into the doctor's.
Doctor: "You'll have to stop masturbating."
Man: Why!
Doctor: "So I can examine you!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 17, 2011, 04:56:22 PM
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the U.N. The only question was:-  "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"  The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe thay didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe thay didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution " meant.
In South America thay didn't know what "please" meant.
And finally, in the U.S. they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 17, 2011, 04:58:44 PM
Adam and Eve

Adam was returning home late one night. When Eve confronted him.
"You are seeing another woman, aren't you?" she accused.

"Don't be silly," he replied. "You are the only woman on earth."

Later that night Adam woke up feeling a tickle on his chest.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked Eve.

"What do you think?" she asked. "I am counting your ribs."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 17, 2011, 05:00:59 PM
Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs. My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation.

"I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager.

"Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?"

"Autumn," he replied.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 17, 2011, 05:03:59 PM
If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on?
















































































Their paws.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ransom on November 17, 2011, 10:36:55 PM
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 beers and takes drinks in turns from each. After draining them he orders another, and goes about it the same way. After a while the bar tender comments on this, and points out it would be easier if he'd just drink 1 at a time. The man then explains that he's drinking like this in memory of his 2 brothers, who live in Australia and South America. He says that before they all went their separate ways, they used to all buy each other drinks. So now, they all buy 3 drinks at 7:00 PM, and drink each one as if they were another person. The bartender is quite touched, and gives him a free round. After finishing them off, the man pays the tab and leaves. He comes back the following night, and repeats the process. After a while the man becomes a regular, and 1 night, he walks in but only orders 2 drinks. The other men quiet, and a few bow their heads. The bartender comes over and says to the man: "allow me to offer my condolences." The man looks up and replies: "Oh, everything's fine. It's just that I recently joined the Mormon Church, and they said I'm not allowed to drink anymore."

(The original joke was of course worded much better, but its been a long time since I read it)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Fi on November 19, 2011, 06:23:49 AM
A pirate waddles into a bar with the ship's wheel in his pants.

"Excuse me, sir," says the bartender, "But it appears you have a ship's wheel in your pants."

"Yarr," says the pirate. "It's drivin' me nuts!"

badum ksh
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on November 19, 2011, 03:18:14 PM
(I must say that atheist humor is much better than mensa humor)


A carrot walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic.
The bartender says "Hey! You're gonna have to leave"
The carrot asks "Why?"
The bartender replies "We don't serve food in this bar!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 20, 2011, 11:31:02 AM
I saw my first episode of Old Jews Telling Jokes (http://blip.tv/oldjewstellingjokes) a couple of days ago and it's full of some good jokes and some of the worse puns you'll ever hear!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 20, 2011, 11:35:57 AM
http://blip.tv/oldjewstellingjokes/sara-ross-mother-theresa-5270581
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on November 20, 2011, 04:39:46 PM
http://blip.tv/oldjewstellingjokes/sara-ross-mother-theresa-5270581

Funny!  subscribed!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on November 23, 2011, 05:17:04 PM
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair?

Artificial intelligence.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 23, 2011, 05:20:52 PM
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb
A: Five, one to hold the light bulb and the other four to turn the ladder round and round !
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 23, 2011, 07:24:36 PM
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that….2:30am?!  Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 23, 2011, 09:31:40 PM
(I don't believe in Satan, but I love this joke)

So, Satan walks into a bar. When the patrons of the bar see him they all run out in terror.
All exept one old man sitting quite calmly at the bar with his whisky.
This puzzles Satan who asks :" Why is it that you do not fear me as all others do?"
The old man looks at him and says: "Why should I be afraid of you? I've been married to your sister for 30 years!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding on November 24, 2011, 09:01:37 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FEyLuE.jpg&hash=d3b024f994d6127301a92c38b8bbda1bf2156143)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 24, 2011, 11:53:17 AM
Q: Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
A: Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 24, 2011, 01:54:55 PM
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Really, …" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on November 24, 2011, 02:42:54 PM
... gotta have something for Thanksgiving...


Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years.
Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work.
Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea.
Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself.
Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual.
He screams as he goes running into the bathroom.
Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.
She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost.
He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 24, 2011, 05:20:09 PM
^ (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FLaughing_RoflSmileyLJ.gif&hash=408f9683dd143fb3e0c4dfb36ccf4b0387222924)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on November 25, 2011, 01:36:51 AM
^ (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FLaughing_RoflSmileyLJ.gif&hash=408f9683dd143fb3e0c4dfb36ccf4b0387222924)

This. Times a thousand
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 25, 2011, 01:56:18 PM
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 25, 2011, 09:56:41 PM
Q: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they *like* it in the dark.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: DeterminedJuliet on November 26, 2011, 01:48:52 AM
Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Oh, it's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: skwurll on November 26, 2011, 05:54:01 AM
The only jokes I can call to mind right now are deeply offensive, and believe me, they're just awful.

Well, now that I've said that, I guess I should share a couple.

Q: What's red, white, silver, and runs into walls?

A: A baby with forks in it's eyes.

Q: What's worse than a bee sting?
A: Two bee stings.
Q: What's worse than two bee stings?
A: The Holocaust.
Q: What's worse than The Holocaust?
A: Three bee stings.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 26, 2011, 10:27:55 AM
What's the difference between a cartload of babies and a cartload of sand?

˙ʞɹoɟɥɔʇıd ɐ ɥʇıʍ puɐs pɐoןun ʇ,uɐɔ noʎ
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: not your typical... on November 28, 2011, 10:15:27 AM
Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Oh, it's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it.
Hahaha. Made my day. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 28, 2011, 05:52:24 PM
The wife has been missing for a week now. The Police said to prepare for the worst, so I went to the charity shop and got all her clothes back.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 01, 2011, 11:33:45 AM
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband:
Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"
The hubby replied:
"Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Too Few Lions on December 01, 2011, 11:36:35 AM
The wife has been missing for a week now. The Police said to prepare for the worst, so I went to the charity shop and got all her clothes back.
:D that's brilliant
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 01, 2011, 01:25:01 PM
Exchange of romantic texts

She sent the following message while waiting for her train:
 
My love
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams
If you are smiling, send me your smile
If you are crying, send me your tears
I love you
 
 
He replied:

I'm in the toilet. What do I send???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 01, 2011, 05:15:49 PM
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 01, 2011, 05:22:12 PM
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on December 02, 2011, 08:55:13 PM
After confession one evening, Father O'Leary suggests that he and young Seamus take a 'walk in the woods'.
Reaching a dark clearing young Seamus turns to the priest, "I'm scared" he says.
"You're scared?", says O'Leary "I've got to walk out of here alone"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 03, 2011, 05:04:06 PM
The teacher was encouraging the kids to get creative about last night's firework display.

"What did you do, Emily?"

"Please, Miss, I held a sparkler and I twirled it around and it looked all pretty!"

"Good, Emily, that's lovely.  And what did you do, Veronica?"

"Please, Miss, I saw a lovely rocket that went swoosh up in the air!"

"Lovely, Veronica.  And what did you do, Tommy?"

"Please, Miss, I shoved a banger up the cat's arse."

"Rectum, Tommy, rectum."

"Yes, Miss.  Blew 'em clean off!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 03, 2011, 08:25:43 PM
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

You told it better, but I told it first...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 06, 2011, 01:24:38 AM
I'm in the toilet. What do I send???
Paper. Because the guy in the stall next to you is usually out  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: not your typical... on December 06, 2011, 01:32:30 AM
Nice Asmo. :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 06, 2011, 01:18:25 PM
Why God never got a PhD
-----------------------

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 06, 2011, 01:21:23 PM
The heretic

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.
So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too!
Are your Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too!
Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, Me too!
Are your Episcopalian or Baptist?
He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?
He said, Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too!
Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too!
Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 06, 2011, 01:24:57 PM
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 06, 2011, 01:26:48 PM
What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?....
Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 06, 2011, 01:43:12 PM
I got married in Skyrim. Now I fear that should I get divorsed, she will take half the loot.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: not your typical... on December 06, 2011, 07:15:02 PM
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.
I want to use that one in Church tonight.... :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: hismikeness on December 06, 2011, 08:13:56 PM
What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

Why doesn't Jesus like Skittles? They fall through the holes in his hands.

Why doesn't Jesus like Snickers? Because he doesn't FUCKING exist.

Why do women love Jesus? Because he's hung like this... /holds arms out wide.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 07, 2011, 01:20:53 AM
A blonde walks into a pizza place and orders a medium cheese pizza.
The guy behind the counter asks "Would you like that cut into six or eight pieces?"
The blonde thinks for a minute and says: "You better make it six. I don't think I could eat eight!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: launion on December 07, 2011, 01:51:22 AM
the latest from my  in box


Subject: European economics explained
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town In
> Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town.
> When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he
> wondered
> how he could afford such a house.
> The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there?
> The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a
> single
> lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".
>
>
> The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply
> amazed
> at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous.
> When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that
> bridge over there?"
> The Spaniard replied; "No."
>
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: keithpenrod on December 07, 2011, 05:46:20 AM
I got married in Skyrim. Now I fear that should I get divorsed, she will take half the loot.  >:(
You must be farther along than me.  I didn't even know you could get married.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: keithpenrod on December 07, 2011, 05:50:19 AM
Two calculus teachers were having lunch together.  One of them was talking about how stupid young people is becoming.  The other argued that things really weren't all that bad.  So, to settle the argument they decided to ask the waitress a calculus question the next time she came around.  The first teacher went to the restroom and in the meantime, the second signalled the waitress over and told her "In a minute, I'm going to ask you a question.  Regardless of what the question is, I just want you to say 'x squared', ok?" To which she agreed.

The first teacher returned from the restroom and then they asked the waitress "What's the integral of 2x?"  To which she replied "x squared."  Then she leaned in to the teacher who had given her the answer and whispered "+C".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: not your typical... on December 07, 2011, 05:55:13 AM
Two calculus teachers were having lunch together.  One of them was talking about how stupid young people is becoming.  The other argued that things really weren't all that bad.  So, to settle the argument they decided to ask the waitress a calculus question the next time she came around.  The first teacher went to the restroom and in the meantime, the second signalled the waitress over and told her "In a minute, I'm going to ask you a question.  Regardless of what the question is, I just want you to say 'x squared', ok?" To which she agreed.

The first teacher returned from the restroom and then they asked the waitress "What's the integral of 2x?"  To which she replied "x squared."  Then she leaned in to the teacher who had given her the answer and whispered "+C".
....Ok, so maybe the youth are getting quite a bit dumber since I have NO idea how that joke was meant to be taken.....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: keithpenrod on December 07, 2011, 06:02:56 AM
Two calculus teachers were having lunch together.  One of them was talking about how stupid young people are becoming.  The other argued that things really weren't all that bad.  So, to settle the argument they decided to ask the waitress a calculus question the next time she came around.  The first teacher went to the restroom and in the meantime, the second signalled the waitress over and told her "In a minute, I'm going to ask you a question.  Regardless of what the question is, I just want you to say 'x squared', ok?" To which she agreed.

The first teacher returned from the restroom and then they asked the waitress "What's the integral of 2x?"  To which she replied "x squared."  Then she leaned in to the teacher who had given her the answer and whispered "+C".
....Ok, so maybe the youth are getting quite a bit dumber since I have NO idea how that joke was meant to be taken.....

It means that she already knew the answer to the question.  And, I was so embarrassed about the typo in my original post I had to fix it here when I quoted it.  It only happened because I changed the subject after I had written the verb.  Maybe that shows how dumb adults is [sic] becoming.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: not your typical... on December 07, 2011, 06:06:58 AM
It means that she already knew the answer to the question.  And, I was so embarrassed about the typo in my original post I had to fix it here when I quoted it.  It only happened because I changed the subject after I had written the verb.  Maybe that shows how dumb adults is [sic] becoming.
Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (Had no clue since she is still struggling through Algebra 2) But now that I get it, it is quite amuzing. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Happy_Is_Good on December 07, 2011, 06:14:36 AM
Here's an oldie....

A grade school teacher gave the assignment to her class that each student should think of a story and then a moral lesson learned for that story to share with the class the next day. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, and little Amy raises
her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral lesson of the story and Amy replies, Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next little Sandy offers to tell her story, and she says, "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral lesson of the story and Sandy replies, "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Finally it's little Andy's turn and he says, "My uncle John fought in the war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a machine gun, a machete, and case of beer. On the way down he drank the case of beer."

"Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looks in shock at Andy and asks if there is possibly any moral lesson to his story and Andy answers, "Don't mess with uncle John after he's been drinking!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: not your typical... on December 07, 2011, 06:41:19 AM
^ This... XD ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: keithpenrod on December 07, 2011, 08:05:06 PM
I always feel bad for the dyslexic atheist insomniac. 

He'd lie awake all night long wondering if there really was a dog.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: not your typical... on December 07, 2011, 08:07:44 PM
I always feel bad for the dyslexic atheist insomniac. 

He'd lie awake all night long wondering if there really was a dog.
hahahaha! It's so wrong but so good.

Dyslexics Untie!

Procrastinators Unite!.......
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Tomorrow!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding on December 11, 2011, 11:13:25 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F8j5Nd.jpg&hash=f28ea3e79292923164c1c439197bf9564529ff3a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: squidfetish on December 11, 2011, 02:07:30 PM
A couple are driving home when they run over a badger. They get out and find that it is still breathing but freezing cold.
The husband says, "Put it between your legs to warm it up."
The wife replies, "But it's wet and it stinks."
The husband says, "Well hold the badger's fucking nose then!"


I was feeling horny so I phoned the wife for a bit of phone sex As she answered, I said, "Tell me you're not wearing any knickers"
She said, "I actually am not wearing any knickers."
I said, "Oh yeah baby, tell me what you're doing, you naughty girl!"
She replied, "I'm taking a shit."

A local Member of Parliament visits an old folks home and asks a 90 year old woman if she'd ever been bed-ridden. She replied, "Oh yes, several times, but I prefer to be fucked up the ass on the sofa."

I reported a dead woman lying in a field to the police. They asked me, "How did you find her body?"
I replied, "Well, her tits were ok, but the rigor mortis had tightened her asshole a bit too much for my liking."

I was in pub last night and saw two large girls up by the bar. They both had strange accents so I said, "Hello are you two girls from Scotland?"
They screamed, "It's Wales, you fucking idiot!!"
So I immediately apologized and said, "Oh sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

I said to my doctor, "I've badly bruised my penis during a surfing accident"
He said, "Did you fall off your surfboard?"
I replied, "No, I had to slam my laptop shut rather quickly."


What's six inches long and isn't going to get sucked tonight?
Jimmy Saville's cigar

Last night I told my mate that I'd been shagging his wife.
He said, "Are you serious?"
I said, "no, nothing like that, it's just sex"

"Push harder!!" I shouted to my wife while she was in labour.
"Fuck off you twat!" she screamed back at me.
A bit harsh, I thought. It wasn't my fault the car had broken down on the way to the hospital.

I went to bed with 3 Thai girls last night. It was like winning the lottery - they had 6 matching balls.

A muslim has died while training to be a skydiver. A spokesman for the BNP School of Skydiving said he had no idea why the snorkel and flippers failed to open.

I just heard a rumour that Paul McCartney is already arguing with his new wife. Apparently she is spending twice as much money on shoes as his last wife.

My mate just asked me what ringtone I had. I said, "I don't know..... probably light brown..."

My wife came down from the shower and said, "I've shaved my pussy, do you know what that means?"
I replied, "Yeah, the fucking plughole is blocked..."

 ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: squidfetish on December 11, 2011, 06:18:28 PM
There's a new type of Viagra available called 007.

It makes you roger more.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 12, 2011, 08:46:35 PM
Two men are walking down the road and see a dog licking its balls.
The first man says: "Blimey, I wish I could do that."
The second man replies: "Better pet him first. He might bite."



If you're in a long-term relationship, try the following to spice up your sex life: Get your lover, blindfold them, get some ropes and chains and tie them very tightly to the bed. Then go and screw somebody else.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Melmoth on December 12, 2011, 08:53:14 PM
What is the difference between Madeleine McCann and Madeleine McCann jokes?

The jokes got old.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sovereign_Reason on December 13, 2011, 03:05:32 AM
A long line of nuns is waiting to get into the VIP section of Heaven. 

St. Peter is standing before the gates explaining the rules... "If you've had any contact with a human penis," he said,
you have to wash that area of your body in this holy water before you'll be allowed to enter the Holy City. 

The first nun walked up and St. Peter asked her "Have you had any contact with a human penis?"
Her response:  "Well I touched the tip of one with the tip of my finger once..."
St. Peter told her to wash her finger in the holy water and enter Heaven.

The second nun walked up and St. Peter asked the same question.
"Well... a priest and I got a little out of control and I massaged one with my hand."  she responded.
He told her to wash her hand off really well and then enter Heaven.

Throughout this whole proceeding, a rather large nun from the back of the LONG line had been clawing and tackling her way to
the front of the line.  It became such a disturbance that eventually, St. Peter had no choice but to address it.

"What is the meaning of this?"  he asked when she had reached the front of the line.

She responded:  "Look dude... if I'm going to have to gargle that shit, I'm doing it before Sister Mary-Thomas sticks her ass in it."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 13, 2011, 03:17:07 PM
During the gold rush, a miner in the Klondike finally struck it rich.
He went into the nearest town, and stormed into the saloon.
Throwing some gold on the bar, he grabbed the bartender and said:
"I just struck it rich!  Gimmie two bottles of beer, and point me to the roughest, toughest whore in the Klondike!"
"She's upstairs," the bartender replied, "second door on the left".
The miner grabs the beers, stomps up the stairs, and kicks open the second door on the left.
"I'm lookin' for the roughest, toughest whore in the Klondike!" he shouts.
The mountain woman in the room turns and says "Well, honey, you found her!"
Then she rips off her clothes, turns her back to the miner and grabs her ankles.
"How do you know I want it that way?", he asks.
"I don't", she says, "I just thought you might wanna open up them beers first..."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: squidfetish on December 13, 2011, 04:40:20 PM
Christmas in the Winehouse home will be different this year: there will still be a tree but there will be less needles on the floor.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 13, 2011, 09:15:41 PM
Jack the miner stumbles into town after spending 6 months up at his prospect.
Walking into the saloon he inquires at the bar:
"Hey, bartender! Are there any hookers in this town?"
"Nope", said the bartender. "But there is always old William if you are really desperate."
"I'm not really into that sort of thing", said Jack and returned to his mine.

Six months later Jack the miner walks back into town, and goes back to the bar.
"Hey, bartender! Are there still no hookers in this town?"
"Yep", said the bartender. "But there is still old William if you are really desperate."
"Well, Im still not really into that sort of thing", Jack said and left town witrh unfinished buisness.

After another six months and the coldest winter in living memory, Jack returns to the bar.
" If I go for this Willian fellow, it would stay a secret, right?"
"Oh, yes", said the barkeep. "Just between me, you, old Willian and two more guys."
"What two other guys?" asked Jack.
"To hold old William down of course!  ;) He's not really into that sort of thing either."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 14, 2011, 11:31:33 AM
    A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
    "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow.  I can stow you away on my ship.  I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
    With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.
    That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.  From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.  Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
    "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
    "I see," the captain says.
    Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
    "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 14, 2011, 11:54:07 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg517.imageshack.us%2Fimg517%2F6655%2Fpmslsu0.gif&hash=864936626eaf8fd08f72c935dec3770cf5cd5bb5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding on December 14, 2011, 12:14:41 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg517.imageshack.us%2Fimg517%2F6655%2Fpmslsu0.gif&hash=864936626eaf8fd08f72c935dec3770cf5cd5bb5)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg517.imageshack.us%2Fimg517%2F6655%2Fpmslsu0.gif&hash=864936626eaf8fd08f72c935dec3770cf5cd5bb5) Yoink.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: unholy1971 on December 19, 2011, 04:04:47 AM
Why is the Bible like a penis?
You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

Love this. LMFAO
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 24, 2011, 09:30:43 AM
Two women just called at my door and asked what bread I ate.
When I said, "White", they gave me a lecture for 30 minutes on the benefits of brown bread.
I think they were Hovis Witnesses!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: squidfetish on December 24, 2011, 11:23:03 AM
Apple have just brought out a tablet marketed directly at Catholic priests. It's called the iTouch Kids

Anal sex is like my first car: I didn't want it but my uncle gave it to me anyway....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 24, 2011, 04:56:39 PM
A little girl is in the bath with her little boy cousin.

"What's that?", she asks.

"That's my willee!"

"Oh, yes, my Daddy's got two of those."

"Your Daddy's got two willees?

"Yes - he's got a little floppy one like yours for doing wee-wee, and a great big long stiff one for cleaning the au-pair's teeth."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 25, 2011, 12:48:22 PM
George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
 
Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him. 'I'm not sure what to do' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
 
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let you decide who leaves.' George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
 
The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell. 'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'
 
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time. 'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day.' commented George.
 
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
 
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said , 'Yeah, I can handle this.' The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to Go'!!!!!!   
 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: lomfs24 on December 26, 2011, 04:57:12 AM
What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?....
Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

Hey, I resemble that remark!  ;D

In other news, two atoms were walking down the street when one says "I think I have lost an electron." The other says, "Are you positive?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: squidfetish on December 26, 2011, 10:04:51 AM
What do you get in you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a punk rocker?
Someone who knocks on your door and tells you to fuck off.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 26, 2011, 10:29:16 AM
^^^ Very good  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 26, 2011, 12:54:21 PM
Two bacteria walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "We don't serve bacteria in this bar".
The bacteria reply: "But we work here! We're staph."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: lomfs24 on December 26, 2011, 05:31:44 PM
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "where is the bar tender?"



A baby seal walks into a club...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: squidfetish on December 26, 2011, 06:57:25 PM
A horse walks into a bar

The barman says, "Why the long face?"


A sandwich walks into a bar

The barman says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve food here."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 26, 2011, 07:00:10 PM
The old ones are the best.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 26, 2011, 07:06:38 PM
Shroedinger's cat walks into a bar... and doesn't.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on December 26, 2011, 09:40:42 PM
These aren't jokes, but they did make me laugh.  ;D

Like how it's tradition for a Dane to grope a Norwegian's chest as a greeting. Or If the Öresund sea freezes, and a Swede walks over to Denmark over the ice, a Dane is allowed to hit the Swede with a stick.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 26, 2011, 10:00:48 PM
The story is that here in Hereford, over 1,000 years ago, it was legal to shoot a Welshman in town after dark.  And they say the law is still in force.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 26, 2011, 10:04:43 PM
The story is that here in Hereford, over 1,000 years ago, it was legal to shoot a Welshman in town after dark.  And they say the law is still in force.  ;D
Big morgue nearby, yes?  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: lomfs24 on December 26, 2011, 10:58:20 PM
Rumor has it that in Montana if you see five Indians traveling together it is considered a war party and they can be shot if you are in a covered wagon. It's still a law there.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 26, 2011, 11:26:31 PM
Rumor has it that in Montana if you see five Indians traveling together it is considered a war party and they can be shot if you are in a covered wagon. It's still a law there.
...So, a flatbed truck with canvas top, that's a covered wagon, no? Doesn't say it can't be self-propelled, does it?  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding on December 27, 2011, 02:24:05 AM
Aren't these things known as wagons?
I used to have one, it was fast but hated stopping except for fuel.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ft3.gstatic.com%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dtbn%3AANd9GcSWb859LY6TVW3-wepk9iwl9Ohr6ToCgjlTx_ood1CQEEAKS1LlzaA9ly2k&hash=605314ca38ee43b471082e4a449e95deab22628a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 27, 2011, 02:27:15 AM
Aren't these things known as wagons?
I used to have one, it was fast but hated stopping except for fuel.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ft3.gstatic.com%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dtbn%3AANd9GcSWb859LY6TVW3-wepk9iwl9Ohr6ToCgjlTx_ood1CQEEAKS1LlzaA9ly2k&hash=605314ca38ee43b471082e4a449e95deab22628a)
The Asmo's Old Rusty is a wagon too. And it starts, stops, goes forwards and backwards and side to side and has a leaky cooling system.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: lomfs24 on December 27, 2011, 03:27:34 AM
Rumor has it that in Montana if you see five Indians traveling together it is considered a war party and they can be shot if you are in a covered wagon. It's still a law there.
...So, a flatbed truck with canvas top, that's a covered wagon, no? Doesn't say it can't be self-propelled, does it?  ;D
I don't think it says anything about the method of moving the covered wagon. Except I don't think a flatbed truck was an option at the time the law was written. :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 27, 2011, 06:00:00 AM
Have you heard that entropy isn't what it used to be?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 27, 2011, 06:05:09 AM
Q: What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy?
A: Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 27, 2011, 06:05:55 AM
Q: Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 27, 2011, 01:00:37 PM
Q. What does DNA stand for?
A. National Dyslexics Association

Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
A: Pull down its genes.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 27, 2011, 01:09:51 PM
A doctor, an engineer, and a fungal taxonomist arrived at The Pearly Gates.
The doctor said how he'd healed the sick, helped the lame; but he was a sinner and was sent to Hell.

The engineer told how he'd built homes for the homeless, etc.; but he messed up the environment, so he was sent to Hell.

The fungal taxonomist was frightened by all this, but as soon as he mentioned his occupation, God said "You've already been thru Hell, Welcome to Heaven."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 27, 2011, 01:10:51 PM
A biologist phones his wife from his office and says, "Honey, something has just come up, I realize its not my field season, but I have to visit my field site for a week. So, would you pack my clothes, my field equipment and my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in 1 hour to pick them up."

A week later he returned. "Did you have a good trip, dear?" his wife asked.
"Oh, it was just a typical field trip, you know, work work work," he exclaimed, and added "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
"No I didn't," she replied. "I put them in the box of field equipment!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 27, 2011, 01:16:06 PM
How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes eight million years.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: squidfetish on December 27, 2011, 02:38:23 PM
How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One... and the rest will say they did it first.


How do you know if a drummer's stool is level?

The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.


How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let's skin up and think about it....


Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car?

He had to break in to get the drummer out.


How do you know when there's a drummer at your door?

The knocking speeds up and they don't know when to come in.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 27, 2011, 05:26:07 PM
How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One... and the rest will say they did it first.


How do you know if a drummer's stool is level?

The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.


How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let's skin up and think about it....


Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car?

He had to break in to get the drummer out.


How do you know when there's a drummer at your door?

The knocking speeds up and they don't know when to come in.

As a drummer, I am slightly offended... (but still vastly amused!)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: lomfs24 on December 27, 2011, 05:53:35 PM
Q. What does DNA stand for?
A. National Dyslexics Association

I too suffer from a bit of CDO which is like OCD but in the correct alphabetic order like it should be.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism on December 27, 2011, 06:07:35 PM
Q. What type of meat does the pope eat?
A. Nun
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 27, 2011, 06:12:33 PM
Q. What type of meat does the pope eat?
A. Nun
I see the joke, but the pope is not a vegetarian, is he?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism on December 27, 2011, 06:19:41 PM
I have no idea, but if I keep seeing Elder scrolls quotes it is just going to remind me that my 360 took a crap over a year ago and that I really need to get a PS3 so I can get skyrim.  Until then I will be sitting in a corner crying.   :'(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: lomfs24 on December 27, 2011, 07:17:23 PM
Why is the Bible like a penis?
You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

This is a good one. The way I heard it was

Religion is like a penis. It's OK if you have one, it's even OK if you are proud of it, just don't whip it out in public and force it down my throat.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 28, 2011, 03:41:51 PM
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."

St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."

St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.

St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."

God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)

Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"

God and St. Peter explain the situation.

Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."

Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing hysterically. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.

Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: lomfs24 on December 28, 2011, 03:50:32 PM
A guy was walking along the beach when he sees this bottle with some inscription on it. He picks it up and starts to rub away the dirt to see the inscription when a genie pops out. The genie says "I am the mother-in-law genie and I will grant you three wishes. However, before you wish, you must know that what ever you wish for I will give to you, but will give your mother-in-law double. Now, make your wishes!"

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I wish I had a million dollars!"
And POOF! just like that he had a million dollars in the bank. But, his mother-in-law had two million in the bank.

He thinks for a moment more and says, "I wish I had a big fancy house on the hill!"
And POOF! just like that he had a big fancy house on the hill. But, his mother-in-law had a big fancy house on either side of his. He think this isn't any good, I have to make my last wish count. So he thinks for a long time then suddenly blurts out, "I wish I was beat half to death!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: lomfs24 on December 28, 2011, 04:09:14 PM
With high-definition TV everything looks bigger and wider. My 25th high school reunion must have been in HD!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 30, 2011, 11:10:21 PM
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.

"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on December 31, 2011, 05:25:44 AM
What's the difference between a badger and a head of lettuce?

Neither one can drive a tractor!

(I love kind of absurd humor.)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 31, 2011, 09:06:46 AM
^^^  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 31, 2011, 02:43:46 PM
Badger! Badger! Badger!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffarm1.static.flickr.com%2F22%2F24965286_4cad7135fc.jpg&hash=4dd8125a7a8a7e2dba02d2f037c19f0bfa3c0811)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding on December 31, 2011, 03:05:54 PM
What's the difference between a badger and a head of lettuce?

Neither one can drive a tractor!

(I love kind of absurd humor.)

I'm having trouble finding absurdity in your humour.
Silly is OK most of the time.
Ah sorry I'm being to negative, here have some smiligans  :) :D :) ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: squidfetish on December 31, 2011, 06:19:30 PM
My 10 year old daughter has just set up a Facebook account.

I said to her, "Choose your profile picture carefully."

"Why's that, Dad?" she replied.

"Because it'll be the one they use when you go missing."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 31, 2011, 08:39:34 PM
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.

"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."

The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres ... We can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 04, 2012, 07:36:49 AM
Q. What's the most important aspect of great sex?
A. Having somebody else there!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on January 08, 2012, 04:24:27 AM
Three old women are talking about the bad things that come with getting old.
 
The first one says, “ My memory is really bad, the other day I was at the bottom of the stairs and I couldn’t remember if I had just come down or if I had to go up.”

The second one says, “That’s nothing, the other day, I opened the fridge door and I couldn’t remember if I had just put something in or if I had to take something out.”

The third one says, “I’m so glad I don’t have those kind of memory problems, (and she knocks on wood three times.) Then she says, “Oh, there’s someone at the door!”  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: envilid on January 08, 2012, 06:39:07 AM
What goes "clop clop clop bang bang".........................an Amish drive-by
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: squidfetish on January 09, 2012, 02:52:50 PM
I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.

"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly," she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with."

"That's fair enough," I replied, "When can you start?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 09, 2012, 03:13:09 PM
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He’s met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
 He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent “Easy Reading” to the original script.
 All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, “An ‘R’! They left out the ‘R’”.
 God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, “It’s the letter ‘R’… the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE.”
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 10, 2012, 04:23:53 PM
Q: What should you call a bald teddy?
A: Fred bear!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg710.imageshack.us%2Fimg710%2F9922%2Frimshot.gif&hash=77d5ac078a921ed7ff6be629eed7a4f2ac98bb10)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on January 10, 2012, 09:12:10 PM
Q: What should you call a bald teddy?
A: Fred bear!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg710.imageshack.us%2Fimg710%2F9922%2Frimshot.gif&hash=77d5ac078a921ed7ff6be629eed7a4f2ac98bb10)

(7... 8... 9... ) Oh! I get it!  (funny ;-)

Reminded me of this one:

A three year old boy opens the refrigerator and sees a squirrel inside.
The boy says "hey! what are you doing in my fridge?"
The squirrel asks "isn't this a Westinghouse?"
"Yeah", says the boy.
"Well" the squirrel replies, "I is westing!"

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 12, 2012, 08:19:27 PM
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur.  I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.  I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
 
I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it".  He said "Those are pickled onions".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: superfes on January 12, 2012, 08:52:32 PM
Just heard this one on the radio...

Quote
A cab driver is doing his rounds downtown when he sees a naked woman running down an ally toward his cab.

He picks her up and she tells him where she lives.

He starts driving there and she notices him checking her out through the rear-view mirror.

She asks: You like what you see?

He replies: Well, I was just wondering how you're going to pay your fare...

She puts her feet up against the glass and spreads her legs and says: I was going to pay with this...

He says: Have anything smaller?

=D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 12, 2012, 09:10:00 PM
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur.  I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.  I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
 
I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it".  He said "Those are pickled onions".

BAD PUN! ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 13, 2012, 01:03:20 AM
I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it".  He said "Those are pickled onions".
:o WHO would dare complain about lumps?!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on January 13, 2012, 02:21:36 AM
What's the difference between a badger and a head of lettuce?

Neither one can drive a tractor!

(I love kind of absurd humor.)

I'm having trouble finding absurdity in your humour.
Silly is OK most of the time.
Ah sorry I'm being to negative, here have some smiligans  :) :D :) ;D

D'oh!  I typed the joke wrong.  I'm awful at jokes, I always mess them up.  Let me try it again:

What do a badger and a head of cabbage have in common?

Neither one can drive a tractor.

Better?

--------------------------------------------

Somehow it's not as funny this time around.

Okay, okay.  Let me try another one.

Guy goes out to the woods to go hunting, and he shoots at a bear, but misses.  The bear comes over and says "I hate hunters, and I especially hate bear hunters.  I'll give you a choice.  You can either let me have my way with you, or I can just kill you."

The hunter doesn't want to die, so he lets the bear do have him.

The next day, the hunter is still fuming over having to give over to the bear, so he packs a bigger gun, and he goes back out to the woods.  Shoots at the bear, misses.  Bear comes over and says "You again?!?  Well, you know the drill.  What'll it be?"

The next morning, the hunter is even more angry at having let the bear do his thing twice in two days, so he packs his biggest gun and he goes back to the woods.  Apparently being the world's worst shot, he shoots at the bear again, and misses again.  The bear comes over and says "You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding on January 13, 2012, 02:24:40 AM
Faith is Greater than Reason
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 13, 2012, 09:08:11 AM
Faith is Greater than Reason

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg517.imageshack.us%2Fimg517%2F6655%2Fpmslsu0.gif&hash=864936626eaf8fd08f72c935dec3770cf5cd5bb5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 13, 2012, 09:14:43 AM
Faith is Greater than Reason

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg517.imageshack.us%2Fimg517%2F6655%2Fpmslsu0.gif&hash=864936626eaf8fd08f72c935dec3770cf5cd5bb5)
+1
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 13, 2012, 11:23:17 AM
Faith is Greater than Reason

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg517.imageshack.us%2Fimg517%2F6655%2Fpmslsu0.gif&hash=864936626eaf8fd08f72c935dec3770cf5cd5bb5)

Took me a sec to get it, but funny!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on January 13, 2012, 03:22:12 PM
Faith is Greater than Reason

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg517.imageshack.us%2Fimg517%2F6655%2Fpmslsu0.gif&hash=864936626eaf8fd08f72c935dec3770cf5cd5bb5)
+1

+2
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 13, 2012, 05:00:34 PM
One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
 
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."
 
In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin.
 
"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.
 
Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.
 
"God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.
 
Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.
 
He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
 
Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on January 13, 2012, 07:14:30 PM
One day, a local man was out fishing with his parish priest.  The priest caught a fish, and before he could help himself, the local man exclaimed "That's a big son of a bitch!"  The priest looked very disapproving, and began to lecture the man about using impure language.  To cover his embarrassment, the man said "Oh no, no Father!  That's the actual name of the fish.  You know, like some fish are trout, some are catfish, that one's a Sonovabitch."

The priest nodded and smiled.  "Oh, see.  I apologize for the misunderstanding."

The priest took the fish home, and brought it to Sister Mary Clare.

"I caught this big Sonovabitch today.  Can you please clean it so we can eat it tonight for dinner?"

"Father!  Your language!"

"No, no, that's the name of the fish.  You know, like some fish are trout, some are catfish, that one's a Sonovabitch."

"Oh, I see.  Of course Father, I'll clean it for you.

Next, Sister Mary Clare took the fish to Sister Mary Francis.

“Father Thomas caught this big Sonovabitch, and I cleaned it.  Can you please cook it for our dinner tonight?”

"Sister!  Your language!"

"No, no, that's the name of the fish.  You know, like some fish are trout, some are catfish, that one's a Sonovabitch."

"Oh, I see.  Of course Sister Mary Clare, I'll cook it for you.”

That night, the Pope came for dinner, and as he took a bite of the fish, he commented on how delicious it was.

Father Thomas said proudly “I caught the Sonovabitch.”

Sister Mary Clare said proudly “I cleaned the Sonovabitch.”

Sister Mary Francis said proudly “I cooked the Sonovabitch.”

The pope looked around the table for a moment, and then broke into a big grin.  “You motherfuckers are alright!” he said.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: AnimatedDirt on January 13, 2012, 07:32:14 PM
Found this:

A religious woman upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the Lord.” This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “there is no Lord.” One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch. The next morning the lady screamed, “Praise the Lord, who gave me this food.” The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed “it wasn’t the Lord, it was me.” The lady without missing a beat screamed “Praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it.”
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 13, 2012, 08:03:42 PM
LOL  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 14, 2012, 09:36:08 PM
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.  “Follow me, son” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. 

“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.”  And they did. 

“Well done, son!  Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did. 

“Now we eat everybody.” And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first?  Why did we swim around and around them?”

His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the shit inside!”
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 19, 2012, 07:46:03 AM
A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an
 evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to
 the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You
 bring your grades up from a C to a B-average, study your Bible a little, and
 get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
 
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed. After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car.
 
Again, they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been
 studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on
 Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed since you haven't got your hair cut."
 
The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the
 Baptist had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus himself had long hair."
 
To which his father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?"


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: squidfetish on January 20, 2012, 05:04:45 PM
When I heard that Steven Hawking had reached 70 I thought "Fuck me, that's some powerful wheelchair!"


First prize in this week's Italian National Lottery is a mediterranean cruise. Last week's was a rollover.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 22, 2012, 08:10:50 PM
Two boys were walking through a churchyard one dark and stormy night. As one stopped to do up his shoelaces they heard an eerie voice coming from behind one of the tombs saying
"Now that I've got you, I'm going to eat your legs first, then your arms, then you head and finally I'll gulp down your body."
Terrified, the boys ran for the exit but before they could get out of the gate a figure in black loomed before them.
"I thought I heard someone," said the minister, "would you boys like a jelly baby?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 24, 2012, 08:15:20 PM
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on January 24, 2012, 08:52:41 PM
Ok... Tank's jogged my memory...


A guy with a duffle bag walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Hey! Will you give me a free drink if I show you something you've never seen before?"
The bartender says "Sure, why not..."
Then the customer opens his duffle bag, pulls out a tiny piano, a little bench, and a guy who's a half-foot high.  The little guy begins to play beautiful music.
The bartender is amazed, gives the guy a free drink and says "Ya mind if I ask where you got that?"
The customer takes out a necklace he's wearing and replies "This is a wish necklace - you just hold it and ask for what you want..."
The bartender says "I'll give you free drinks for life if you let me make one wish!"
The customer agrees.
The bartender holds the necklace and says "I want a hundred thousand bucks!"
Next thing he knows the bar is packed to the rafter with ducks!
"Hey!" the bartender yells - "that's not what I asked for!"
... and the customer says "Do you really think I wished for a six-inch pianist?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 24, 2012, 09:00:25 PM
I once bought a Bonnie Tyler satnav, it was rubbish. It kept telling me to turn around, and every now and then it fell apart
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: happyhappa on January 25, 2012, 05:25:04 PM
Here is a joke that I was told by a six year old client.
I'm sure its way cuter told by him, but I still cracked up!
Client:  "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Me:  "Why"
Client:  "To get to your house"....
Me:....   ???
Client:  "Knock Knock"
Me:  "...whose there?..."
Client:  "THE CHICKEN!!!!!!!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on January 25, 2012, 05:38:57 PM
Here is a joke that I was told by a six year old client.
I'm sure its way cuter told by him, but I still cracked up!
Client:  "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Me:  "Why"
Client:  "To get to your house"....
Me:....   ???
Client:  "Knock Knock"
Me:  "...whose there?..."
Client:  "THE CHICKEN!!!!!!!"

That is a cute one.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 25, 2012, 06:48:23 PM
Here is a joke that I was told by a six year old client.
I'm sure its way cuter told by him, but I still cracked up!
Client:  "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Me:  "Why"
Client:  "To get to your house"....
Me:....   ???
Client:  "Knock Knock"
Me:  "...whose there?..."
Client:  "THE CHICKEN!!!!!!!"
That's one bright 6 year old.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism on February 03, 2012, 03:12:34 PM
Chuck norris jokes anyone? Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number, you answer the wrong phone.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 03, 2012, 03:55:27 PM
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 03, 2012, 04:00:58 PM
Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 03, 2012, 04:07:12 PM
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard.” Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 03, 2012, 04:12:43 PM
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights off, he turns the dark off.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 03, 2012, 04:50:30 PM
Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 03, 2012, 05:08:00 PM
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 03, 2012, 05:35:47 PM
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 03, 2012, 05:47:49 PM
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn just needs to lay the fuck down.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 03, 2012, 06:15:00 PM
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 03, 2012, 06:20:05 PM
Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on December 25th, but it wasn't Jesus's birthday.  Jesus was too scared to correct Chuck Norris, so to this day the world knows December 25th as Jesus's birthday.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 03, 2012, 06:26:11 PM
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because the only element he understands is the element of surprise.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 03, 2012, 06:32:22 PM
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom.
Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 03, 2012, 06:39:02 PM
There are no such things as tornadoes.  Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism on February 03, 2012, 06:55:20 PM
Death once had a near chuck norris experience
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 03, 2012, 06:59:00 PM
Chuck Norris isn't lactose intolerant.  He just doesn't put up with lactose's shit.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism on February 03, 2012, 07:06:42 PM
They tried to make a chuck norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody
Chuck norris already visited mars.  That is why there is no sign of life.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 03, 2012, 07:10:24 PM
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 03, 2012, 07:24:16 PM
The Asmo, he wears boxers with pwetty wittle fwowers on them.

Not a joke, but ridiculous enough for one.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 03, 2012, 07:33:34 PM
The Asmo, he wears boxers with pwetty wittle fwowers on them.

Not a joke, but ridiculous enough for one.  >:(

Asmo doesn't wear boxers with pwetty wittle fwowers, boxers with pwetty wittle fwowers wear him!  (That's how the Chuck Norris joke would go. ;))
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 03, 2012, 07:34:40 PM
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism on February 03, 2012, 07:37:51 PM
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear rug in his room.  The bear isn't dead it's just afraid to move.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 03, 2012, 07:41:13 PM
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism on February 03, 2012, 07:43:07 PM
Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 03, 2012, 07:49:00 PM
Chuck Norris knows what Willis is talkin' 'bout...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism on February 03, 2012, 08:02:33 PM
Chuck Norris has a GPS, but he tells IT which way to go.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on February 03, 2012, 08:06:38 PM
Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups, he bench presses the world.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 03, 2012, 08:18:21 PM
When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

By the way, you guys might enjoy this:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 03, 2012, 08:18:37 PM
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 03, 2012, 08:43:41 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg708.imageshack.us%2Fimg708%2F7219%2F39982410150499400521819.jpg&hash=f230c2a6f2f9ede7bcea448d4655e49bbf7fde7f) (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/708/39982410150499400521819.jpg/)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 03, 2012, 08:49:19 PM
^^^^  LOL!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 04, 2012, 12:19:07 AM
Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer.  Unfortunately, Chuck Norris never cries.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Mocha Chief on February 04, 2012, 09:59:50 AM
Thought I would start a joke thread to give everyone a laugh every now and then.


A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 04, 2012, 10:36:12 AM
http://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/index.php?topic=8587.0

That thread is still very much alive, so why not use it?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Mocha Chief on February 04, 2012, 11:49:13 AM
Yeah as soon I started this one I looked and saw that one was already started. My bad lol
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Mocha Chief on February 04, 2012, 11:53:34 AM
‎"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live". The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?". The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight ass and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm fucking her."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 04, 2012, 12:19:47 PM
The staff will likely merge them. No harm done in any case - it's just easier to follow the forums if there only exists one instance of each living thread.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 04, 2012, 12:35:01 PM
I so loved that! Teen Asmo getting corrected by Daddy Asmo!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 04, 2012, 01:07:56 PM
I so loved that! Teen Asmo getting corrected by Daddy Asmo!!!

That's funny right there!

So is this (Not fo little ones!):

A guy walks into an electronics store.
He approaches the clerk
Clerk: "Can I help you?"
Guy: "Yes. I'm looking into buying a home security system for my bedroom including at least four cameras. My wife is having an affair, you see.."
C: "Man, that's got to be tough. Who is it? Mail man, best friend, an old ex...?"
G: "Eighteen year old high school girl."
C: ...... :o In that case I should tell you about our special on bulk quantities of high grade DVDs."
G: "I love a store that understands it's customers."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 04, 2012, 02:54:51 PM
I so loved that! Teen Asmo getting corrected by Daddy Asmo!!!

*snerk*
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 04, 2012, 04:01:02 PM
I so loved that! Teen Asmo getting corrected by Daddy Asmo!!!

*snerk*
Well, if The Asmo didn't do it, someone else might have. Then The Asmo would have to eat that person alive on an altar for the honor of His lineage and Tanks, for starters, taste like metal  :-\
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on February 10, 2012, 02:02:11 PM
A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It�s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said....
 
 

"OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 10, 2012, 02:04:07 PM
^^^ LOL  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 11, 2012, 11:46:02 AM
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding on February 11, 2012, 12:38:40 PM
The Asmo, he wears boxers with pwetty wittle fwowers on them.

Not a joke, but ridiculous enough for one.  >:(

Asmo doesn't wear boxers with pwetty wittle fwowers, boxers with pwetty wittle fwowers wear him!  (That's how the Chuck Norris joke would go. ;))

I've been reading the Chuck Norris jokes, such a rich new experience.
Although I'm new to the scene I have to disagree, Chuck/Asmo don't wear boxer shorts, they wear the skin of a once illustrious victim, any remnant cloth isn't of their concern.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 11, 2012, 07:57:49 PM
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 11, 2012, 11:43:28 PM
I've been reading the Chuck Norris jokes, such a rich new experience.
Although I'm new to the scene I have to disagree, Chuck/Asmo don't wear boxer shorts, they wear the skin of a once illustrious victim, any remnant cloth isn't of their concern.

There is something extremely disturbing about the idea of Asmo wearing someone's skin over his naughty bits.   :-\

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism on February 13, 2012, 03:58:05 PM
Chuck Norris can't even find his naughty bits, because they are afraid to come out of hiding.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 13, 2012, 06:15:20 PM
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on February 14, 2012, 08:51:09 PM
(https://fbcdn-photos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/s720x720/381495_328685953827531_205344452828349_1234324_2048513525_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on February 15, 2012, 03:10:52 PM
Men and women are different.
Women expect men to do certain things.
I mean, my girlfriend was all upset because I didn't help her out of the car.
I was just too busy swimming to the surface.



Edit: citing Emo Philips as the guy who I stole the joke from.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: McQ on February 15, 2012, 03:36:33 PM
Alright, I'm not going to read through 14 pages of jokes to check and see if this was posted already. I don't think it was, but if so, ignore it.



The bartender said, "We don't serve faster than the speed of light neutrinos in here".


A faster than the speed of light neutrino walked into a bar.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 15, 2012, 03:38:16 PM
It was the 5th post in the thread   :D


Why did the caterpillar traverse the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Oh, good jokes? No, don't have any of them.
Very good!

"We don't serve neutrinos."
A neutrino walks into a bar.


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 15, 2012, 04:06:43 PM
A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve superconductors in this bar".
The room temperature superconducter leaves without resisting.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: McQ on February 15, 2012, 08:20:51 PM
It was the 5th post in the thread   :D


Why did the caterpillar traverse the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Oh, good jokes? No, don't have any of them.
Very good!

"We don't serve neutrinos."
A neutrino walks into a bar.




I just knew I shouldn't have started by looking for that joke on the last page of the thread, working toward the first page! I got tired of looking about half way through. Lol!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 15, 2012, 08:55:58 PM
Some helium drifts into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve any noble gases in this establishment."
The helium doesn't react.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 15, 2012, 09:05:37 PM
 ;D ;D ;D ^^
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on February 15, 2012, 11:45:49 PM
Why did Uhura cry?
Because William Shatner.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 16, 2012, 10:10:17 AM
Here's another one cut and pasted lock, stock and barrel from another forum:

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.  Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.  Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.  They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.  Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.  'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.  'I would like it infrequently,' she replied.  The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered:

'Is that one word or two?'

Aggie, if you ever see this, take my plagiarism as a compliment.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 16, 2012, 10:18:33 AM
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

 She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

 She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

 She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." The she asked, "Did you dance much?"

 He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: philosoraptor on February 16, 2012, 11:49:17 AM
My contribution to the Chuck Norris jokes:
*Chuck Norris is suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are the names of his right and left legs.
*When tax time rolls around, Chuck Norris just sends the IRS a picture of himself crouched and ready to strike.  Chuck Norris has never paid taxes.
*Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

An existentialist joke:
A priest, a hooker, and Martin Heidegger are sitting at a bar.  Heidegger says, "I'm undertaking an existential analytic of Dasein in all its throwness and facticity."  The priest and the hooker say, "Huh?"

A gross joke told to me by a college student:
Q: Why don't old ladies like to pee in the morning?
A: Have you ever pulled apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 18, 2012, 11:13:37 PM
The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I
 am going to make it rain until the whole world is
 covered with water and all the evil things are
 destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and
 two of every living thing on the planet. I am
 ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of
 lightning, he delivered the specifications for the
 ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling
 with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and
 the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked
 down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and
 there was no ark.
 
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A
 lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside
 Noah.
 
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my
 best, but there were some big problems. First, I had
 to get a building permit for the ark's construction,
 but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to
 hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a
 long argument with him about whether to include a
 sprinkler system.
 
"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was
 violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my
 front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
 planning board.
 
Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for
 the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to
 save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
 environmentalists and the Fish and Wildlife
 Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but
 they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.
 
"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got
 sued by an animal rights group that objected to me
 taking along only two of each kind.
 
"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA
 notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without
 filling out an environmental impact statement on Your
 proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea
 that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being.
Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the
 proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!
 
"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a
 complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over
 how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has
 seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to
 leave the country, and I just got a notice from the
 state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I
 don't think I can finish the ark in less than five
 years."
 
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to
 shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah
 looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to
 destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.
 
"No," said the Lord. "The government already has."
 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 22, 2012, 02:38:02 PM
Q. What's the difference between a stoat and weasel?
A. A Weasel is weasily wecognised and a stoat is stoataly different
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Gawen on February 22, 2012, 06:44:20 PM
Finally...

The Dalai Lama is hungry and walks into a pizza shop. He asks the guy, "Can you make me one with everything?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 22, 2012, 06:54:13 PM
Finally...

The Dalai Lama is hungry and walks into a pizza shop. He asks the guy, "Can you make me one with everything?"

Watch this
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 22, 2012, 07:00:44 PM
Finally...

The Dalai Lama is hungry and walks into a pizza shop. He asks the guy, "Can you make me one with everything?"

... he pays for the meal and asks the pizza guy for his change.
The Pizza guy shakes his head and says "Change must come from within..."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: ThinkAnarchy on February 22, 2012, 08:43:11 PM
Those outside the U.S. may not get this one:

Have you heard about the new LSU credit card? You get Les Miles and zero points.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 22, 2012, 08:58:00 PM
Those outside the U.S. may not get this one:

Have you heard about the new LSU credit card? You get Les Miles and zero points.
Some sort of transportation related thing offering you less mileage and no benefits?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: ThinkAnarchy on February 22, 2012, 09:03:20 PM
Those outside the U.S. may not get this one:

Have you heard about the new LSU credit card? You get Les Miles and zero points.
Some sort of transportation related thing offering you less mileage and no benefits?
http://www.nola.com/bcs/index.ssf/2012/01/alabama_snatches_bcs_title_out.html
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ecurb Noselrub on February 22, 2012, 09:07:22 PM
Those outside the U.S. may not get this one:

Have you heard about the new LSU credit card? You get Les Miles and zero points.

That's good!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 22, 2012, 09:34:17 PM
Felt it was time for another dirty one:

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

 Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"

 "They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.

 "Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

 "They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

 "Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.

 "They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.

 "They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.

 "Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster. "What do they call them?" they ask in unison. Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 24, 2012, 08:28:25 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg46.imageshack.us%2Fimg46%2F3071%2Ffairyy.jpg&hash=4b151b99a5ab1709e3f86be23d74f8c03fe1bb72)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 24, 2012, 08:32:57 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg849.imageshack.us%2Fimg849%2F6553%2Fkermits.jpg&hash=a4d8ce7beb2a70c3951649a3ba8bd7c66b8ddebd)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: ThinkAnarchy on February 24, 2012, 08:48:05 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg849.imageshack.us%2Fimg849%2F6553%2Fkermits.jpg&hash=a4d8ce7beb2a70c3951649a3ba8bd7c66b8ddebd)
Never thought I would find a picture on HAF that would end up in my porn folder.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 24, 2012, 08:55:31 PM
A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?" The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone." The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 24, 2012, 10:15:46 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg109.imageshack.us%2Fimg109%2F5643%2Fdudejp.jpg&hash=2118142ee5a30eec62bd763dc4d24c376aa5e853)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 26, 2012, 10:52:24 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg849.imageshack.us%2Fimg849%2F9449%2F40594410150684365946208.jpg&hash=5dad7984f0218b252198ab82aee16ff04a25c598) (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/849/40594410150684365946208.jpg/)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on February 27, 2012, 01:51:29 AM
^^*snerk*

 ;D

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 27, 2012, 12:03:42 PM
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

 She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

 He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

 "Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Truthseeker on February 27, 2012, 07:39:09 PM
The two friends go out for beers.  One ends up completely smashed.  They leave the bar and his friend drops him off in front of his house.  He sees a duck on the sidewalk and picks it up and goes to the front door where he finds his distraught wife with a look of discust on her face.  He says to her in his inebriated state "I jesssst wanted to introduce you to the pig thay I've been fuckin'".  The wife replies "That is not a pig in your arms you idiot.  That is a duck".  To which he then retorts "I vas talkin' to de duck".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 28, 2012, 11:14:35 PM
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Truthseeker on February 28, 2012, 11:43:26 PM
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"


LMAO.  Top shelf Guardian!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 29, 2012, 01:04:56 AM
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

After he fired the other guy, he hired a woman.
A week later he forgot his hammer, so he pointed to his eye ("I"), pointed to his knee ("need"), and made a hammer motion.
The woman nodded, then pointed to her eye, pointed to her boobs, and pointed to her crotch.
He ran all the way down and shouted "Don't you understand!!! I need a hammer!"
"I know!" - she ran through her motions again "I Left-Tit in the Box!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 29, 2012, 01:54:18 AM
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

After he fired the other guy, he hired a woman.
A week later he forgot his hammer, so he pointed to his eye ("I"), pointed to his knee ("need"), and made a hammer motion.
The woman nodded, then pointed to her eye, pointed to her boobs, and pointed to her crotch.
He ran all the way down and shouted "Don't you understand!!! I need a hammer!"
"I know!" - she ran through her motions again "I Left-Tit in the Box!"


Oooooh! Good follow-up!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 04, 2012, 01:57:30 PM
Copernicus' parents: "Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 04, 2012, 02:33:46 PM
Copernicus' parents: "Nick, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you?"
They would probably use his first name. Fixed.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: AnimatedDirt on March 05, 2012, 07:55:36 PM
Heaven and Hell

While walking down the street one day a politician was tragically struck by a
car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from high up.  What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity."

"Really?  I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

With that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In
the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends
and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine
on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a
good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it
is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the
elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven
where St.Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven..."

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good
time

and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity,"  says St. Peter.

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland
full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning,

Today, you voted..."


Vote wisely on November 6, 2012
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: DeterminedJuliet on March 05, 2012, 11:36:34 PM
Why did the hipster wear a scarf in the summer?
Because he was cold before it was cool.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 06, 2012, 02:46:44 AM
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 06, 2012, 10:11:13 AM
^ LOL!

---------------------


A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on March 06, 2012, 11:00:10 AM
Did you hear about the farmer who plowed up what appeared to be an ancient Roman coin that was marked 104BC? How did he know that it was a fake?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 08, 2012, 04:33:22 PM
A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't look at the cows. His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks delighted: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbor's cows! "Wow," says his friend, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills'" said the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked his friend. "I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 11, 2012, 08:08:15 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg15.imageshack.us%2Fimg15%2F1010%2Fshituq.jpg&hash=2972c95098b2c224dbf9142d9942e1373da0ced0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 11, 2012, 08:20:45 AM
The kid does look high, vacant and/or hung over though, no?  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 11, 2012, 08:43:39 AM
The kid does look high, vacant and/or hung over though, no?  :D
Very much so, and little kids can look very much like that while their immature brains start up.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 11, 2012, 10:18:24 AM
I'd just come out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 11, 2012, 11:16:32 PM
A priest, rabbi and televangelist were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections. Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God.
The rabbi explains: "I draw a circle around myself and toss the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself. Whatever lands outside the circle, I give to God."
The priest then adds: "I use a similar method, except that whatever lands in the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs."
The televangelist then proclaims: "I also use the same method. Except, that I toss the money in the air and I figure that whatever God wants, he can take."


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 12, 2012, 01:52:29 AM
Just a silly one I thought I'd add:

A baby mouse was foraging for food one day with it's mother and they spotted a bat flying.
"Look mom, and angel!" said the baby mouse.

Yeah, I'm not that good at jokes. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 12, 2012, 07:11:55 AM
Yeah, I'm not that good at jokes. 
No, that was indeed a joke. It's a well-known fact that rats and mice worship a winged Asmo.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MorneDJ on March 12, 2012, 07:32:13 AM
Dear John, I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car started stalling and then broke down about a mile down the road. I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes.He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34, and the Neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I need advice urgently. Can you please help? 

Sincerely, Sheila   

__________________________________

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.  Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold. It could also be that the fuel pump itself is faulty. 

I hope this helps, 

John
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 12, 2012, 07:41:54 AM
It can also be a choked air filter or air intake, a broken gear box (Comes with a wide variety of rattles while driving), water in petrol, petrol in diesel and a whole mob of other issues.  ???

Would need more info to tell her exactly what the problem was.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 12, 2012, 10:13:09 AM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him..
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table
with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye
and takes a sip of his coffee!!!!
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee: 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' ... he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do honey'... she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily..
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: DeterminedJuliet on March 24, 2012, 03:37:07 PM
I'd just come out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'


Haha, ouch!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 24, 2012, 04:39:56 PM
The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"

 "What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 26, 2012, 04:00:51 PM
Put down all food and drink before watching!

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: DeterminedJuliet on March 26, 2012, 04:24:56 PM
Put down all food and drink before watching!


Haha, some of the viewer comments are pretty priceless.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on April 03, 2012, 02:04:51 PM
Sorry in advance...

1. Two  blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of  them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message -  '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A  guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.  The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I  went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't  find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet  him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He  said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in  a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man  came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,  'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know  you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood  disco last week and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting  in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank,  proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his  van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped  himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry  growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put  on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green  Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it  common?' 'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rottweiler  to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for  him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'.   So he picks the dog up  and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says,  'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's  cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.

14. What do you  call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into  my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said  'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..' 

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.  There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's  either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger  brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat  blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one  says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18. Police arrested two  kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was  eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my  driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said,  'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the  doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor  said, 'Well don't go there anymore!

21. Ireland 's worst air  disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna  plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have  recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as  digging continues into the  night.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 03, 2012, 02:14:23 PM
^^^ I have started spreading the joy at fb  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 03, 2012, 04:15:52 PM
Scissorlegs, those were painful! And yet funny...


A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12yr old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other. The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?" To which the boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: ibm on April 07, 2012, 03:08:22 AM
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb
A: Five, one to hold the light bulb and the other four to turn the ladder round and round !

Q: How many Irishmen Newfies does it take to change a light bulb
A: Five, one to hold the light bulb and the other four to turn the ladder round and round !

In Canada, that'd be considered a Newfie joke.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: DeterminedJuliet on April 07, 2012, 03:36:50 AM
Don't worry, we Newfies have our own jokes  ;)

In a very swish part of Toronto's retail area two young very hip guys are looking at their new high end boutique. The decorating is done, the stainless steel/glass shelving is erected and the carpet is laid, all they are waiting on is the expensive merchandise to arrive. After surveying their masterpiece one guy turns to the other and says;
"What do you bet some dumb Newfie will come in and ask what we are selling?"
As his friend finishes agreeing with him, a Newfie walks in.
"Aye boys, what are ya sellin?" asks the Newfie.
One guy looks at the other, winks and replies "Ass-holes".
The Newfie takes a quick look around the store and says;
"Aye ya must of had a good price you only got two left"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 07, 2012, 11:22:19 AM
A Swede comes into a bookstore to buy a book.
Bookstore employee: “Do you want something light or would you prefer heavier reading?”
 Swede: “Doesn’t matter, I have the car with.”
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 07, 2012, 11:45:24 AM
“Doesn’t matter, I have the car with.”
You see, that's smart thinking right there! For every kilometer you drive, another polar bear cries another tear, if the eco-whatevers are to be believed and, as an added bonus, you can carry some seriously heavy books without breaking your own back.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 07, 2012, 12:07:54 PM
As the Titanic sinks, three men stand talking on the deck: a teacher, a lawyer and a priest.

The teacher says, "The kids!  We've got to save the kids!"
The lawyer says, "Fuck the kids."
The priest says, "Do we have time?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 07, 2012, 01:22:24 PM
^^^ I shared that on the secret atheists page on fb 'The society of the Godless'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 07, 2012, 03:29:55 PM
Sven was going to buy his first TV. He went into the electronics shop where Ole worked as a salesman. "I want to buy that nice TV over there" Sven said.
"Sorry, we don't sell TV's to Swedes" Ole said.

Sven was flabbergasted but refused to give up so easily.
He bought himself a very expensive disguise complete with the outfit, the hairstyle and even learned a new accent. He came back to the furniture shop.
"Hey, man, be cool. I really dig dat TV there. How much you want for it, cat?" Sven asked.
Ole didn't pause in his response. "Sorry, we don't sell TV's to Swedes!"

Sven was flabbergasted and more determined than ever.
He went to a neighboring city and bought another disguise and learned another new accent.
He came back to the furniture shop. "Howdy, partner, I'd sure like to purr-chess that TV yonder, wa-ja say?" Sven asked.

Ole again immediately responded, "Sorry, we don't sell TV's to Swedes!"
Sven stepped back, ripped off his mask, and demanded, "Hey, how the hell did you know I'm a Swede?"
"Well, for starters that's a microwave oven...."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: keithpenrod on April 08, 2012, 10:49:41 AM
Stole this one from Hitchens. 

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Unitarian? 
Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: history_geek on April 08, 2012, 12:54:26 PM
These are not so much jokes, but sayings in Finnish that are sometimes used for humorous effect:

"Konstit on monet, sano tummu kun kissalla pöytää pyyhki"

"Tricks are many, grandma said while sweeping the table with a cat"

There seems to be a "it's funny because it's true"-mentality in a lot of these.

Altought the one above is some times followed by:

"Vaihtelu virkistää sano kissa kun tummulla pöytää pyyhki"

"Change is refreshing, said the cat while sweeping the table with grandma"

 ;D

"Kyllä aikaa on, mutta ikä loppuu."

Roughly translates as "Sure there's time, but it's age that's running out"

"Aikainen lintu madon nappaa, mutta vasta toinen hiiri saa juuston"

"Early bird gets the worm, but it's only the second mouse that gets the cheese"

"Toivossa on hyvä elää, sano lapamato, niin kauan kuin toivo elää"

"It'a good to live in Hope, said the tapeworm, as long as Hope is alive"
(In Finland, "Toivo" is just like "Hope" in English, both a name as well as a word)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on April 08, 2012, 03:23:23 PM
"Aikainen lintu madon nappaa, mutta vasta toinen hiiri saa juuston"
"Early bird gets the worm, but it's only the second mouse that gets the cheese"

... reminded me of:
“Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines”
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 08, 2012, 04:19:16 PM
Q: What is the difference between Swedes and Norwegians?
A: The Swedes have nice neighbours!

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 09, 2012, 11:36:48 AM
Q: What is the difference between Swedes and Norwegians?
A: A swede is a root vegetable.

FTFY  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 09, 2012, 11:42:55 AM
Q: What is the difference between Swedes and Norwegians?
A: A swede is a root vegetable.

FTFY  ;D
Turnips, yes? The Asmo is only semi-failiar with such. He doesn't usually eat green things unless there is capsiacin in them.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 09, 2012, 11:49:31 AM
There were two Swedish carpenters building a house. One of them opened a pack of nails, and asked the other: "Why are half of the nails lying in the wrong direction?"
The other replied: "You moron! They are supposed to be used on the other side of the house!"

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 09, 2012, 01:03:16 PM
Q: How do Norwegians forge ten crown bills?
A: They scrape one zero off a hundred bill.

A Norwegian went to a museum. The tour guide was explaining: "This sword is over 2000 years old." The Norwegian paused for a second to think about it and then asked: "How is that possible? We are only in the year 1998."

Q: What did the Norwegian train robbers say while robbing a train? A: Okay, now, get us some guns...

Norwegian was bragging to his friend:
- I just bought a piece of field that is 2 cm wide and 10 km long.
- What on Earth are you going to do with a field like that?
- Grow spaghetti, of course.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 09, 2012, 03:13:08 PM
Q: What did the Norwegian train robbers say while robbing a train? A: Okay, now, get us some guns...
...And how is getting some guns while robbing shit not sensible? They could be quite useful in future operations..?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 09, 2012, 03:20:37 PM
The little Swedish kid asked his teacher why the days in the summer were so much longer. The teacher answered, "Oh, that's because the heat makes everything expand."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on April 12, 2012, 03:55:54 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/526265_378266902214102_346614042046055_1127563_357308626_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 12, 2012, 12:37:51 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/526265_378266902214102_346614042046055_1127563_357308626_n.jpg)

But he forgot to mention that he rode to the hospital on a polar bear!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 12, 2012, 01:20:14 PM
Why did the Swede put condoms on his ears?  ???

 He wanted to avoid getting hearing aids.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 12, 2012, 01:44:21 PM
A Norwegian, a Swede and a Dane made a bet about who could stay the longest in a stinky pig barn. They all went in at the same time. After only two minutes the Dane came running out. Five minutes later the Swede stumbled out the door. After ten minutes, all the pigs ran out.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: DeterminedJuliet on April 12, 2012, 02:19:20 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/526265_378266902214102_346614042046055_1127563_357308626_n.jpg)

 :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 12, 2012, 04:51:52 PM
"Dad, I'm pregnant," the daughter said.
"Hey, wait a minute. Are you sure it's yours?" the Swedish father responded.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 12, 2012, 05:03:01 PM
Two Norwegians went on a fishing trip to Canada and come back with only three fish, and one says, "The way I figger it, each of them fish cost us $400. Well. At dat price it`s a good ting we didn`t catch any more of em than we did."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 12, 2012, 05:35:34 PM
Why are Swedish jokes getting sillier and sillier?
 
Because the Swedes have started to make them up themselves.
 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 12, 2012, 05:40:36 PM
So what`s the difference between a Norwegian and a canoe? Well, a canoe will sometimes tip.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 12, 2012, 05:52:39 PM
So what`s the difference between a Norwegian and a canoe? Well, a canoe will sometimes tip.
Why insult people with tips? They do get paid a salary for their services.

(I do not count "keep the change" as active tipping)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on April 12, 2012, 06:35:02 PM
So what`s the difference between a Norwegian and a canoe? Well, a canoe will sometimes tip.
Why insult people with tips? They do get paid a salary for their services.

(I do not count "keep the change" as active tipping)

This is maybe a cultural difference...? I know in some places, tipping is considered odd or offensive. In other places though, you tip someone for good service because it's a way of saying thank you for a job well done. It would only be insulting if you deliberately undertipped them, as a way to slight them - like leaving two pennies on the table if you thought the service sucked.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 12, 2012, 06:54:49 PM
We only ever tipped a few times in Sweden. It’s not common, but it is still considered nice.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 12, 2012, 06:58:13 PM
No tip is also a tip, as they say.....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 12, 2012, 07:06:34 PM
I think me thanking someone for good service means more to that person than a tenner left on the table does.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on April 12, 2012, 07:13:14 PM
I think me thanking someone for good service means more to that person than a tenner left on the table does.

That's because you've never worked for $2.13/hr.

ETA:  In the US, employers don't have to pay minimum wage for servers; the thought is that tips will make up the difference.  When I was a server, the going rate was $2.13/hr.  If some nice Norwegian man said "Thank you very much for the service" I would have thought "What a nice man."  And then when he didn't tip, I would have thought "That cheap mfer."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 12, 2012, 07:17:49 PM
I think me thanking someone for good service means more to that person than a tenner left on the table does.

That's because you've never worked for $2.13/hr.
...Nor would I work for such coin unless it is at least lower-average salary in that area.

I have, however, worked with customer service in different forms. Never needed tips to pay for my gasoline and meat.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: AnimatedDirt on April 12, 2012, 07:21:29 PM
I think me thanking someone for good service means more to that person than a tenner left on the table does.

That's because you've never worked for $2.13/hr.

ETA:  In the US, employers don't have to pay minimum wage for servers; the thought is that tips will make up the difference.  When I was a server, the going rate was $2.13/hr.  If some nice Norwegian man said "Thank you very much for the service" I would have thought "What a nice man."  And then when he didn't tip, I would have thought "That cheap mfer."

Exactly.

I'm a big tipper if I get the service I like and I'm a 15% tipper if I simply get good service.  Rarely have I tipped less than 15% as it is rare I've had a server not deserving of at least 15%.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on April 12, 2012, 07:23:07 PM
I think me thanking someone for good service means more to that person than a tenner left on the table does.

That's because you've never worked for $2.13/hr.
...Nor would I.

I have, however, worked with customer service in different forms. Never needed tips to pay for my gasoline and meat.

That's because those that work for gas stations and...uh....meat stores(?) get paid at least minimum wage.

I realize it's probably different in Norway, but in the US, servers can make great money, assuming people tip well.  They can also be screwed if people don't tip well.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 12, 2012, 07:59:35 PM
There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."

The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."

The man at the door says, "Come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on April 12, 2012, 08:25:00 PM
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog.
All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog around, knocking stuff off the shelves.
The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!!"
The blind man replies, "Just looking around."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 12, 2012, 08:55:26 PM
Q: Why can't Germans get AIDS?
A: Germans don't have any friends
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 12, 2012, 08:59:40 PM
Q: What is the different between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less person drunk
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 12, 2012, 09:07:39 PM
The Pessimist: sees only the darkness in the tunnel
The Optimist: sees the light at the end of the tunnel
The Realist: sees that the light comes from a train
The Train Driver: sees three idiots on the tracks
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 12, 2012, 09:18:45 PM
I think me thanking someone for good service means more to that person than a tenner left on the table does.

That's because you've never worked for $2.13/hr.

ETA:  In the US, employers don't have to pay minimum wage for servers; the thought is that tips will make up the difference.  When I was a server, the going rate was $2.13/hr.  If some nice Norwegian man said "Thank you very much for the service" I would have thought "What a nice man."  And then when he didn't tip, I would have thought "That cheap mfer."

I guess it's a case of "When in Rome..."
If I am in a country with a tipping culture, I tip. If not, I don't.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 12, 2012, 10:05:42 PM
That's because those that work for gas stations and...uh....meat stores(?) get paid at least minimum wage.
I don't think we even have that. Oh, there are some wages some of our companies pay foreign construction workers and cleaning staff, that are so unethical that they are actually illegal, but I don't know any one making a "minimum wage", be they in pizza delivery, customer service or... Whatever.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: AnimatedDirt on April 12, 2012, 10:13:52 PM
That's because those that work for gas stations and...uh....meat stores(?) get paid at least minimum wage.
I don't think we even have that. Oh, there are some wages some of our companies pay foreign construction workers and cleaning staff, that are so unethical that they are actually illegal, but I don't know any one making a "minimum wage", be they in pizza delivery, customer service or... Whatever.

Ever heard of fast-food?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 12, 2012, 10:27:59 PM
Ever heard of fast-food?
Yes. Them at that place I usually go to make more than a regular grocery store worker. I hear McD's pays a bit less, but their workers are not cheap either - they'd go get another job if they were too underpaid, and so we pay 10-20 bucks for a burger as a result.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: AnimatedDirt on April 12, 2012, 10:35:12 PM
Ever heard of fast-food?
Yes. Them at that place I usually go to make more than a regular grocery store worker. I hear McD's pays a bit less, but their workers are not cheap either - they'd go get another job if they were too underpaid, and so we pay 10-20 bucks for a burger as a result.

Sorry, I had a difficult time following the first point.  The latter; McD's pays minimum wage to their starters, I'm not sure what you mean that their workers are not cheap.  McD's is not a job (the service part), certainly, to raise a family on except MAYBE in a managerial position in the least.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 12, 2012, 10:38:33 PM
Oh, if you want to be the only one working in a family of three or four and with minimal government support, then I'd recommend being at least an engineer or a psychologist - life is sort of expensive here and the lower end jobs sort of pay enough for one, maybe one and a kid.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 12, 2012, 10:58:01 PM
Sven and Lisa met on the boat as they proceeded to a new life in America and soon fell in love.
After clearing customs they went to City Hall to get a marriage license. Since neither one of them spoke much English one of the secretaries helped them fill out the required forms.
 The lady asked Lisa "What's your nationality?"
Lisa said "I yust come over from da old country and don't unnerstand nationality. Vat's dat?"
The lady said "Well you are tall and blond and definitely have a Scandinavian accent. Don't you have a little Swede in you?"
  Lisa blushed and said "Yah dat damned Sven, he yust couldn't vait."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 13, 2012, 06:36:29 AM
Knock Knock..
Who's there?
Gestapo
Gestapo who?
Ve Vill ask ze Questions!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 13, 2012, 06:49:25 AM
A tourist in Amsterdam slips and falls in an Amsterdam canal.
So he shouts: "Hilfe, Hilfe!"
A local native passes by and says to that guy: "You should have learned swimming, instead of German" 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 13, 2012, 11:32:13 AM
^ (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FLaughing_RoflSmileyLJ.gif&hash=408f9683dd143fb3e0c4dfb36ccf4b0387222924)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on April 13, 2012, 08:32:41 PM
Knock Knock..
Who's there?
Gestapo
Gestapo who?
Ve Vill ask ze Questions!

LOL!!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: ibm on April 14, 2012, 03:47:34 AM
So what`s the difference between a Norwegian and a canoe? Well, a canoe will sometimes tip.
So what`s the difference between a Norwegian and a canoe kayak? Well, a canoe kayak will sometimes tip bend and roll over. (this is homemade)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: ibm on April 14, 2012, 04:22:21 AM
Quality Control Bill got fired from the M&M plant. He was removing all candies with the letter “W” on it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 14, 2012, 06:02:32 AM
Quality Control Bill got fired from the M&M plant. He was removing all candies with the letter “W” on it.
That took far too much thinking about this time of the morning.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 14, 2012, 11:57:39 AM
What happens to the average IQ in Norway and Sweden if a dumb Norwegian moves to Sweden?
 
It increases in both countries.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on April 14, 2012, 02:59:53 PM
So I was feeling left out (since I didn't know any Norwegian jokes, and I would NEVER malign my beloved Swedes.)  I googled "Norwegian jokes" and came up with a bunch of rather unfunny jokes that I believe are actually aimed at American Swedes (Swedes, Norwegians, same diff, amiright?) or anyway, they follow the American stereotype of Swedes in America fairly closely. 

Then I came across this.  I don't really "get" most of it, but I am hoping that our Norwegians will find it funny.  Enjoy!   :-*

Quote
Peoples Social- Demokratic Monarc Kingdom of Norway (pronounced nowhere by Asians and Canadians) is an imaginary tropical country situated at the Earth’s north pole. Norway’s most imaginary territories include North Dakota, Minnesota, South Dakota and the Ocean, where Norwegians pretend to get food, lay their eggs and harvest a mysterious black liquid used in religious rituals.

Norway is not only a vassal of Russia but also a member of the United Federation of Russia and the Holy Russian Empire since its independence from USA in 1953, Norway maintains a strong reputation amongst outsiders for its harsh censorship and a strong, almost fetishistic love of socks, particularly white ones. The republican kingdom has, in recent years, been at war with Denmark and, more infrequently, Good Mikhailism Decency. A little known fact about these so-called Norwegians is that they reproduce asexually. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 14, 2012, 04:48:01 PM
So I was feeling left out (since I didn't know any Norwegian jokes, and I would NEVER malign my beloved Swedes.)  I googled "Norwegian jokes" and came up with a bunch of rather unfunny jokes that I believe are actually aimed at American Swedes (Swedes, Norwegians, same diff, amiright?) or anyway, they follow the American stereotype of Swedes in America fairly closely. 

Then I came across this.  I don't really "get" most of it, but I am hoping that our Norwegians will find it funny.  Enjoy!   :-*

Quote
Peoples Social- Demokratic Monarc Kingdom of Norway (pronounced nowhere by Asians and Canadians) is an imaginary tropical country situated at the Earth’s north pole. Norway’s most imaginary territories include North Dakota, Minnesota, South Dakota and the Ocean, where Norwegians pretend to get food, lay their eggs and harvest a mysterious black liquid used in religious rituals.

Norway is not only a vassal of Russia but also a member of the United Federation of Russia and the Holy Russian Empire since its independence from USA in 1953, Norway maintains a strong reputation amongst outsiders for its harsh censorship and a strong, almost fetishistic love of socks, particularly white ones. The republican kingdom has, in recent years, been at war with Denmark and, more infrequently, Good Mikhailism Decency. A little known fact about these so-called Norwegians is that they reproduce asexually. 


Usually when you search Norwegian jokes, you will get the Ole and Lena jokes, which I don’t find that funny.

But if you like that sort of stereotype thing, then you would like this: http://satwcomic.com/
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on April 14, 2012, 05:12:13 PM


Usually when you search Norwegian jokes, you will get the Ole and Lena jokes, which I don’t find that funny.

But if you like that sort of stereotype thing, then you would like this: http://satwcomic.com/

Yes, that's what I found, Ole and Lena.  Not funny.  On the other hand, I LOVE the Scandinavia and the World comics.  I don't know why I find them so addictive, but I could read them for hours.  I think it helps that Humon explains them, otherwise I probably wouldn't get a lot of them.

ETA:  Hahahahaha  http://satwcomic.com/parenting  This is one I get without the explanation, but I do like the explanation ("Bad parents get bad children, England  >:()  You Brits better pay more attention to us or we're going to color all over your walls.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on April 17, 2012, 12:40:24 AM
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning " Windows frozen"
 Husband texts back, "pour some luke warm water over it"
 Wife texts back "computer completely knackered now"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 17, 2012, 10:56:40 AM
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning " Windows frozen"
 Husband texts back, "pour some luke warm water over it"
 Wife texts back "computer completely knackered now"

That's what dumbass husband gets for writing "it" where he should have written "them".  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 17, 2012, 01:18:28 PM
Three women were bragging about their sons.
The first woman jumped up and said, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a Church, everyone says 'Oh, your Emminence!'"
Not to be outdone, the second woman says, "My boy is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a Church, everyone says 'Oh, your Excellency!'"
Then the last woman looks at the others and says, "I don't know about YOUR boys, but my son is 17 years old and weighs 500 lbs. Whenever he walks into a Church they always say 'OH MY GOD!'"


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on April 17, 2012, 02:02:30 PM
Three women were bragging about their sons.
The first woman jumped up and said, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a Church, everyone says 'Oh, your Emminence!'"
Not to be outdone, the second woman says, "My boy is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a Church, everyone says 'Oh, your Excellency!'"
Then the last woman looks at the others and says, "I don't know about YOUR boys, but my son is 17 years old and weighs 500 lbs. Whenever he walks into a Church they always say 'OH MY GOD!'"




LOL
I love it!!! :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 17, 2012, 02:51:47 PM
Two Belgians are crawling over the railroad track.
First Belgian: This stair never seem to end.
Second Belgian: Yeah, and the handrail is also very low
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 17, 2012, 02:54:40 PM
Now one joke about my own countrymen.

Q: How does the Dutch recipe for an omelet starts?
A: Borrow an egg.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 20, 2012, 11:33:34 PM
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on April 21, 2012, 12:24:15 AM
An Irish man, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump  off  this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off this building too."

The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irish man opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.  The blonde guy opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral The Irish man's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guy's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me" she said. "He made his own lunches!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 21, 2012, 07:58:34 AM
An American, a Russian and a Belgian are sitting in a bar.
The American: "Our American submarines can stay under water for more than three years"
"Ah.." says the Russian, "The Russian submarines can stay under water, twice as long than that".
"That is nothing", says the Belgian, "Our submarines never go up".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 21, 2012, 01:14:54 PM
What's the best weapon against the Russian Navy?

Rust remover.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on April 21, 2012, 03:28:54 PM
Why didn't the Belgian Navy participate in WW-II?

There wasn't enough wind.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding on April 21, 2012, 04:06:47 PM
Quote
know any good jokes

No

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 21, 2012, 05:21:54 PM
What is the worlds shortest book?

"Austrian Navy Handbook".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 21, 2012, 05:27:43 PM
What is the worlds shortest book?

"Austrian Navy Handbook".
But only after 30th August 2006. (http://christopher-eger.suite101.com/the-final-end-of-the-austrian-navy-a10363)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on April 21, 2012, 05:45:40 PM
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 21, 2012, 06:11:23 PM
Quote
know any good jokes

No


There were some ok ones here before this thread devolved to "Know any _Insert Nationality_ jokes?"  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: ThinkAnarchy on April 21, 2012, 09:04:46 PM
I have one that doesn't involve nationality.

A donkey and camel were walking through the desert. They had been walking for a while and were both very thirsty. They came across a watering hole and the camel immediately drank up all the water.

"What are you doing?" asked the donkey.

The camel responded, "Shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

So they walk a little more and they come up on the second water hole. Again, the camel drinks all the water before the donkey get's any.

"What are you doing, I'm thirsty too."

The camel says again, "Shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

They next come across the 4th water hole...

(Sorry need to take a quick break)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 21, 2012, 10:08:10 PM
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."

 "I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches." ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 21, 2012, 10:19:30 PM
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."

 "I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches." ;D
This is totally unbelievable. I remember what 27 stitches felt like and I didn't even think about smiling for a fortnight!! 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: ThinkAnarchy on April 21, 2012, 10:24:32 PM
I have one that doesn't involve nationality.

A donkey and camel were walking through the desert. They had been walking for a while and were both very thirsty. They came across a watering hole and the camel immediately drank up all the water.

"What are you doing?" asked the donkey.

The camel responded, "Shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

So they walk a little more and they come up on the second water hole. Again, the camel drinks all the water before the donkey get's any.

"What are you doing, I'm thirsty too."

The camel says again, "Shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

They next come across the 4th water hole...

(Sorry need to take a quick break)

Alright, well it looks like I will have to wait a while for someone to bite, if it were ever going to happen. But when you tell it in person someone always corrects you with, "Don't you mean the third watering hole?" To which you respond, "shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

Corny yes; but I never get tired of doing it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Hector Valdez on April 21, 2012, 10:28:12 PM
A man walks into a bank on April 1st and fills out a note with the words, "This is an April fools joke: Give me all your money." The teller looks at the joke and laughs. "Good one, she says.". The man then pulls out a sig sauer .9mm and says, "April Fools!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 21, 2012, 10:30:17 PM
I have one that doesn't involve nationality.

A donkey and camel were walking through the desert. They had been walking for a while and were both very thirsty. They came across a watering hole and the camel immediately drank up all the water.

"What are you doing?" asked the donkey.

The camel responded, "Shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

So they walk a little more and they come up on the second water hole. Again, the camel drinks all the water before the donkey get's any.

"What are you doing, I'm thirsty too."

The camel says again, "Shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

They next come across the 4th water hole...

(Sorry need to take a quick break)

Alright, well it looks like I will have to wait a while for someone to bite, if it were ever going to happen. But when you tell it in person someone always corrects you with, "Don't you mean the third watering hole?" To which you respond, "shut up jackass I know what I'm doing."

Corny yes; but I never get tired of doing it.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg515.imageshack.us%2Fimg515%2F9691%2Ftumbleweedxw3.gif&hash=f990779270859b5ee69a9048d4f2fc482d1411e4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 22, 2012, 01:51:44 AM
A Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it
go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid, and because his price
 was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks and buying the paint and thinning it down with the turpentine.
 
Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened,
and rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
 
Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
 
From the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on April 22, 2012, 02:14:16 AM
A Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it
go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid, and because his price
 was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks and buying the paint and thinning it down with the turpentine.
 
Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened,
and rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
 
Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
 
From the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

This joke in all of its variations (with the punchline always being the same) has always been one of my favourites!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 22, 2012, 09:44:56 AM
^ Excellent!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 26, 2012, 08:57:23 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg805.imageshack.us%2Fimg805%2F7249%2Fdogu.jpg&hash=8143682bcfb8994c4ee96d37daabc3619fa0125c)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on April 27, 2012, 12:49:08 AM
Here's one that's just too good to pass up sharing. It isn't a joke, but a very funny, odd situation that happened about 7ish years ago:

From http://www.lettersofnote.com/2011/03/seat-29e.html

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffarm6.static.flickr.com%2F5292%2F5496483525_98f2b6a51b_o.jpg&hash=fe994f3f6c8cf67de3c20bd28d7bbc365ae80735)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 27, 2012, 01:07:39 AM
I want to know how they responded!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 27, 2012, 08:59:14 AM
I want to know how they responded!  :D
Me too.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 27, 2012, 09:15:01 AM
My guess? They laughed for an obnoxiously long time and then tossed the complaint, OR responded with a politically correct letter, promising less than nothing while appearing to take the complaint seriously.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 27, 2012, 11:08:32 AM
Quote
"The letter is not totally accurate and uses sarcastic humor to make the seat sound a lot worse than it is. But we don't want to pooh-pooh this customer's concerns -- seat 29D is less than ideal. Most flights are not sold out and normally we can easily re-seat a customer who prefers not to sit in this location. However, the Dec. 21 flight was completely full, and we have apologized to the customer who wrote to us about the concerns. If there was a quick and easy solution to this problem we would do it in a whiz. However, the aircraft configuration is fixed and there is little we can do at this point to just flush away the issue."
- Courtney Willcox, Continental Airlines spokeswoman-
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on April 27, 2012, 12:48:06 PM
Quote
"The letter is not totally accurate and uses sarcastic humor to make the seat sound a lot worse than it is. But we don't want to pooh-pooh this customer's concerns -- seat 29D is less than ideal. Most flights are not sold out and normally we can easily re-seat a customer who prefers not to sit in this location. However, the Dec. 21 flight was completely full, and we have apologized to the customer who wrote to us about the concerns. If there was a quick and easy solution to this problem we would do it in a whiz. However, the aircraft configuration is fixed and there is little we can do at this point to just flush away the issue."
- Courtney Willcox, Continental Airlines spokeswoman-

 :D  :D  :D Classic.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 27, 2012, 12:52:38 PM
Quote
"The letter is not totally accurate and uses sarcastic humor to make the seat sound a lot worse than it is. But we don't want to pooh-pooh this customer's concerns -- seat 29D is less than ideal. Most flights are not sold out and normally we can easily re-seat a customer who prefers not to sit in this location. However, the Dec. 21 flight was completely full, and we have apologized to the customer who wrote to us about the concerns. If there was a quick and easy solution to this problem we would do it in a whiz. However, the aircraft configuration is fixed and there is little we can do at this point to just flush away the issue."
- Courtney Willcox, Continental Airlines spokeswoman-

That’s punny.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on April 27, 2012, 12:55:35 PM
Quote
"The letter is not totally accurate and uses sarcastic humor to make the seat sound a lot worse than it is. But we don't want to pooh-pooh this customer's concerns -- seat 29D is less than ideal. Most flights are not sold out and normally we can easily re-seat a customer who prefers not to sit in this location. However, the Dec. 21 flight was completely full, and we have apologized to the customer who wrote to us about the concerns. If there was a quick and easy solution to this problem we would do it in a whiz. However, the aircraft configuration is fixed and there is little we can do at this point to just flush away the issue."
- Courtney Willcox, Continental Airlines spokeswoman-

That’s punny.  ;D


Not to mention not pooh-poohing the idea, and trying to fix the problem in a whiz!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on April 30, 2012, 01:56:26 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/523675_392525920788200_346614042046055_1163655_1805490682_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: ThinkAnarchy on April 30, 2012, 02:45:25 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/523675_392525920788200_346614042046055_1163655_1805490682_n.jpg)

I like that one a lot. I will have to share it with my evil anarchist cohorts.   ;) I view it as more truth as opposed to a joke though.  :'(

P.S. I have been using emoticons like they are about to go extinct lately...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on May 05, 2012, 08:08:23 PM
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car It's hundreds of  them!'



Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As  they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it I could have
sworn we just went Through a red light.'
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red..  Again, they went right  through. The woman in the
passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was
really concerned that she was losing it...  She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was  red and they went
on through. So, She turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did
you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?  You could
have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and  said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'



Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts  her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,
'Was I  getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't  know. I'll come up and see.'
She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I  going up the stairs or
down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and
listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head  and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful,
knock on wood.'
She  then yells, 'I'll come up and help Both of you as soon as I see
who's  at the door.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 05, 2012, 08:13:08 PM
^^^ all three good  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 05, 2012, 08:46:06 PM
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. 'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 06, 2012, 07:18:32 AM
A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

 After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

 So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Steve Reason on May 06, 2012, 09:52:26 AM
lol You guys are killing!  ;D

Here's one I made up in my empty head many years ago: What do you call a guy that has spent so much time away from his wife fishing, that he now always knows which bait to choose without fail?

Why a master baiter of course! Har!  :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 07, 2012, 10:24:30 PM
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
' May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'

' Yes. '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No. '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy, ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter. '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME .'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 09, 2012, 01:37:16 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.venganza.org%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F04%2Fnoodle_currency_thumb.jpg&hash=faae9f9d6af93862b2796d387c5e4413144208a9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 09, 2012, 04:28:52 PM
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 10, 2012, 02:59:26 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/35527_362942407097155_333621403362589_1060467_1819273145_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 10, 2012, 07:45:51 PM
^^^ Now if a man posted that it would be considered sexist  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 10, 2012, 08:33:58 PM
^^^ Now if a man posted that it would be considered sexist  ;D

 :D On the other hand, I can vouch for it being true, and I can vouch for many women using this language with men as well as other women. ;) The only difference is that when I use any of these with another woman, she KNOWS what they mean.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 10, 2012, 08:35:01 PM
^^^ Now if a man posted that it would be considered sexist  ;D

 :D On the other hand, I can vouch for it being true, and I can vouch for many women using this language with men as well as other women. ;) The only difference is that when I use any of these with another woman, she KNOWS what they mean.  ;D
See! See! I allway knew they had a secret code language!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 10, 2012, 08:36:27 PM
^^^ Now if a man posted that it would be considered sexist  ;D

 :D On the other hand, I can vouch for it being true, and I can vouch for many women using this language with men as well as other women. ;) The only difference is that when I use any of these with another woman, she KNOWS what they mean.  ;D
See! See! I allway knew they had a secret code language!!!

We sure do! Unfortunately for you menfolks, those few examples are just the "lite" version of our language. The rest of it, you'll have to decipher over several decades of being around women, I suspect. Even I am constantly learning new bits of our code.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Bibliofagus on May 10, 2012, 08:38:09 PM
From my roommate who has some odd sense of humor. I do not necessarily agree to what I'm about to say but I don't know any other joke.

"They say there's safety in numbers, say that to the 6 million jews!" Badum-tss!!

No? Yes? Whatever...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 10, 2012, 08:49:50 PM
From my roommate who has some odd sense of humor. I do not necessarily agree to what I'm about to say but I don't know any other joke.

"They say there's safety in numbers, say that to the 6 million jews!" Badum-tss!!

No? Yes? Whatever...

No for me personally. I don't mind off-colour jokes, per se, but not that sort. Ah well, you tried.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on May 10, 2012, 08:56:45 PM
From my roommate who has some odd sense of humor. I do not necessarily agree to what I'm about to say but I don't know any other joke.

"They say there's safety in numbers, say that to the 6 million jews!" Badum-tss!!

No? Yes? Whatever...

No for me personally. I don't mind off-colour jokes, per se, but not that sort. Ah well, you tried.

Yeah, as heee-larious as the Holocaust was (/sarcasm) this one didn't really tickle my funny bone. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism on May 10, 2012, 09:57:24 PM
^^^ Now if a man posted that it would be considered sexist  ;D

 :D On the other hand, I can vouch for it being true, and I can vouch for many women using this language with men as well as other women. ;) The only difference is that when I use any of these with another woman, she KNOWS what they mean.  ;D
See! See! I allway knew they had a secret code language!!!

We sure do! Unfortunately for you menfolks, those few examples are just the "lite" version of our language. The rest of it, you'll have to decipher over several decades of being around women, I suspect. Even I am constantly learning new bits of our code.
When I was in high school there were two hot popular girls. They think they were smart because they had their own language.  The they did was spell out the words using the first letter and adding ob.  I figured it out in under a minute and freaked them out by joining the conversation.  Yep that was the highlight of my years in high school  :'(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: DeterminedJuliet on May 11, 2012, 04:54:02 AM
^^^ Now if a man posted that it would be considered sexist  ;D

 :D On the other hand, I can vouch for it being true, and I can vouch for many women using this language with men as well as other women. ;) The only difference is that when I use any of these with another woman, she KNOWS what they mean.  ;D
See! See! I allway knew they had a secret code language!!!

We sure do! Unfortunately for you menfolks, those few examples are just the "lite" version of our language. The rest of it, you'll have to decipher over several decades of being around women, I suspect. Even I am constantly learning new bits of our code.

I think I must have missed this lesson. Whenever I'm annoyed, I literally start my sentences with "I'm annoyed..."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: The Magic Pudding on May 11, 2012, 06:04:35 AM
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME .'
That was cute, it wasn't the kind of ending I was expecting.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 11, 2012, 07:24:05 AM
^^^ Now if a man posted that it would be considered sexist  ;D

 :D On the other hand, I can vouch for it being true, and I can vouch for many women using this language with men as well as other women. ;) The only difference is that when I use any of these with another woman, she KNOWS what they mean.  ;D
See! See! I allway knew they had a secret code language!!!

We sure do! Unfortunately for you menfolks, those few examples are just the "lite" version of our language. The rest of it, you'll have to decipher over several decades of being around women, I suspect. Even I am constantly learning new bits of our code.

I think I must have missed this lesson. Whenever I'm annoyed, I literally start my sentences with "I'm annoyed..."
Your husband is a very, very, very lucky man  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 11, 2012, 09:51:00 AM
Just wait till you've been married 40 years.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: technolud on May 11, 2012, 02:22:53 PM
I haven't read all the way through, so I apologize if this is a repeat.  But my favorite Arkansas/Lawyer joke:

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer.

One is a scum sucking bottom feeder.  The other is a fish.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: kitty on May 11, 2012, 04:12:53 PM
i'm sorry but i only really like baaad jokes.

what kind of bees make milk?

boobies!

sorry again
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on May 11, 2012, 04:47:40 PM
^^^ Now if a man posted that it would be considered sexist  ;D

 :D On the other hand, I can vouch for it being true, and I can vouch for many women using this language with men as well as other women. ;) The only difference is that when I use any of these with another woman, she KNOWS what they mean.  ;D
See! See! I allway knew they had a secret code language!!!

We sure do! Unfortunately for you menfolks, those few examples are just the "lite" version of our language. The rest of it, you'll have to decipher over several decades of being around women, I suspect. Even I am constantly learning new bits of our code.

I liked "Go ahead" as a dare.   ;D  The full and nuanced definition of "fine" is "You are entirely too stupid to be reasnoned with, and I'm going stalk upstairs to take a bath rather than bothering with you for even one more minute."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 11, 2012, 04:49:48 PM
^^^ Now if a man posted that it would be considered sexist  ;D

 :D On the other hand, I can vouch for it being true, and I can vouch for many women using this language with men as well as other women. ;) The only difference is that when I use any of these with another woman, she KNOWS what they mean.  ;D
See! See! I allway knew they had a secret code language!!!

We sure do! Unfortunately for you menfolks, those few examples are just the "lite" version of our language. The rest of it, you'll have to decipher over several decades of being around women, I suspect. Even I am constantly learning new bits of our code.

I liked "Go ahead" as a dare.   ;D  The full and nuanced definition of "fine" is "You are entirely too stupid to be reasnoned with, and I'm going stalk upstairs to take a bath rather than bothering with you for even one more minute."

For some reason I am suddenly glad I am single.... ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 11, 2012, 05:29:57 PM
i'm sorry but i only really like baaad jokes.

what kind of bees make milk?

boobies!

sorry again
15 posts and already she's mentioning boobies, you can almost smell the n00bie through the screen  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: kitty on May 11, 2012, 08:47:43 PM
i'm sorry but i only really like baaad jokes.

what kind of bees make milk?

boobies!

sorry again
15 posts and already she's mentioning boobies, you can almost smell the n00bie through the screen  :D

haha
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 11, 2012, 08:55:40 PM
Q.  What kind of tree can't you cut down with an axe?

A.   A lava-tory.

And I know plenty worse than that. ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 11, 2012, 09:10:38 PM
Q.  What kind of tree can't you cut down with an axe?

A.   A lava-tory.

And I know plenty worse than that. ;)
I know I'll regret this.

Prove it!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on May 11, 2012, 09:20:10 PM

I liked "Go ahead" as a dare.   ;D  The full and nuanced definition of "fine" is "You are entirely too stupid to be reasnoned with, and I'm going stalk upstairs to take a bath rather than bothering with you for even one more minute."

For some reason I am suddenly glad I am single.... ;)

Haha, whenever you start thinking you might like some female companionship, I will be happy to fill you in on all of the horrible things I think about my husband on a near daily basis.... ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on May 11, 2012, 09:51:48 PM
Q.  What kind of tree can't you cut down with an axe?

A.   A lava-tory.

And I know plenty worse than that. ;)
I know I'll regret this.

Prove it!!!

... ok ...

What do you call a man who has inherited his father's world-wide chicken broth empire?

.

.

.

.

.

A Bouillonaire!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 11, 2012, 09:59:57 PM
What do you call a hundred rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hareline.

What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on May 12, 2012, 03:12:49 PM
Three Indian squaws were getting ready for bed by preparing the hides they were going to sleep on. The first squaw laid out a deer hide, the second squaw laid out a bear hide and the third squaw laid out a hippopotamus hide. Each squaw awoke the next morning and knew that they had miraculously concieved a son, despite the absence of any male companionship.

Nine months later each squaw gave birth. When they compared their children, the squaws who slept on the deer and bear hides noted that the third boy was the biggest of the three.
This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the son of the squaw of the hippopotamus is greater than the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on May 12, 2012, 05:24:07 PM
Three Indian squaws were getting ready for bed by preparing the hides they were going to sleep on. The first squaw laid out a deer hide, the second squaw laid out a bear hide and the third squaw laid out a hippopotamus hide. Each squaw awoke the next morning and knew that they had miraculously concieved a son, despite the absence of any male companionship.

Nine months later each squaw gave birth. When they compared their children, the squaws who slept on the deer and bear hides noted that the third boy was the biggest of the three.
This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the son of the squaw of the hippopotamus is greater than the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.



...moving on quickly, the two shortest jokes in the world:

A seal walks into a club...

A dyslexic walks into a bra...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 12, 2012, 06:23:16 PM

A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: kitty on May 13, 2012, 12:07:29 PM
how many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb?


2....

no, 4.....

no, 16.....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on May 13, 2012, 03:07:17 PM
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two.

But don't ask me how they got in there...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 13, 2012, 09:16:41 PM
How many swedes does it take to change a lightbulb?

5. One to hold the bulb, and four to turn the step ladder.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 14, 2012, 10:37:52 AM
Here is yet another really ancient example:

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.  But the bulb has really got to want to change.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: technolud on May 14, 2012, 11:05:54 AM
Groan.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: technolud on May 14, 2012, 09:34:03 PM
Seems this one should already be here, but I can't find it:

There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 14, 2012, 09:38:47 PM
Indeed. Asmo the Programmer approves.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on May 14, 2012, 10:08:43 PM
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, it is a hardware problem.
One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 14, 2012, 10:09:45 PM
Pfft! How inefficient! Only takes one Asmo to explain why project be late.  ::)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on May 14, 2012, 10:56:18 PM
There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.

... there are two types of people in the world - those that divide the world into two types, and...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 14, 2012, 11:00:15 PM
There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.

... there are two types of people in the world - those that divide the world into two types, and...

 ;) There really are only two types of people, though. Those who are alive, and those who aren't.

I spend a good portion of my time researching the ones who aren't. I wonder what that says about me...  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: technolud on May 15, 2012, 12:37:28 AM
Quote
There really are only two types of people, though. Those who are alive, and those who aren't.

I spend a good portion of my time researching the ones who aren't. I wonder what that says about me...

Uh...... your alive?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 15, 2012, 01:13:36 AM
Quote
There really are only two types of people, though. Those who are alive, and those who aren't.

I spend a good portion of my time researching the ones who aren't. I wonder what that says about me...

Uh...... your alive?

I meant, some people prefer interacting primarily with the living. I do too, but I LOVE history and one of my favourite pastimes is to get lost in the library archives for hours on end, reading about people who most people have completely, entirely forgotten. Maybe it's my way of trying to not let them fade into history, I dunno.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: technolud on May 15, 2012, 01:35:08 AM
Noted.  Remind me not to argue about some obscure 16th century minor lord with you.  Sure to lose.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 15, 2012, 03:16:06 AM
Why were the early days of history called the dark ages? 
Because there were so many knights. 

How was the Roman Empire cut in half? 
With a pair of Caesars.

 ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on May 15, 2012, 04:13:05 AM
What is white and comes from 2 sides?
Stereo yoghurt
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: technolud on May 15, 2012, 08:41:11 PM
I must give credit where credit is due.  Atheists tell some of the worst jokes I've ever heard.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 15, 2012, 08:46:04 PM
I spend a good portion of my time researching the ones who aren't.

As it turns out, currently, so am I.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 15, 2012, 08:52:34 PM
I must give credit where credit is due.  Atheists tell some of the worst jokes I've ever heard.
I accept your accolade with pride  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 15, 2012, 11:11:47 PM
A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. Well, the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 16, 2012, 03:13:05 AM
A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. Well, the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

LOL!  :D I like that one, I hadn't seen it before.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on May 16, 2012, 03:23:22 AM
I was going to make a dirty joke, butt fuck it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on May 16, 2012, 05:58:54 AM
How do you make a German chocolate cake?
First, you occupy the kitchen.

Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products?
So they won't have to go around being nice while they fix them.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on May 16, 2012, 02:39:54 PM
... went to a German/Chinese fusion restaurant last night - an hour later I was hungry for power...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on May 16, 2012, 06:22:10 PM
... went to a German/Chinese fusion restaurant last night - an hour later I was hungry for power...
Looks like that you found the same website as I did  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on May 17, 2012, 09:34:20 PM

Why do women love Jesus?

Because He's hung like THIS:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dreamstime.com%2Fattractive-young-woman-with-arms-wide-open-thumb5199034.jpg&hash=7a193c189924749343655c88486f33b5142b820e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Hector Valdez on May 18, 2012, 04:41:11 AM
Yo mama so fat, the doctor said, "We can rebuild her.
SHIT!! We need a construction permit!!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: technolud on May 20, 2012, 01:10:38 AM
A polish joke from the cold war era: (from Poland)

A  polish fellow is riding his bike home after work and comes to a check point manned by two Russian soldiers.   They ask him for his papers and after inspecting him the first soldier shoots the bicycle rider in the head, killing him.  The second soldier asked why he did that.  The first soldier replied, he lives in Warsaw, thats at least a 50 minute bike ride and curfew begins in 20 minutes.



Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: philosoraptor on May 20, 2012, 03:07:13 AM
I was going to make a dirty joke, butt fuck it.

I see what you did there! ;-)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: ibm on May 20, 2012, 03:48:18 AM
This one is from the 1960s, a French joke, at a time when the French and the English teens of a village would not speak to each other:

Q: Why are there the letters “ON” printed on every electrical switches in a house.
A: Because only English people do not know when a light is turned on.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 20, 2012, 10:24:45 AM
Did you hear about the new French battle-tank?  One forward gear and five reverse.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 20, 2012, 01:04:38 PM
Did you hear about the new French battle-tank?  One forward gear and five reverse.
Makes sense, seeing how tanks are a bit like Porsches - one end is a tracer copy of the other.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on May 20, 2012, 04:49:22 PM

Did you hear about the new French battle-tank?  One forward gear and five reverse.

:D

Reminds me of the plan in 1943 to revise the Italian flag to a white cross on a white background...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 20, 2012, 05:42:52 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fgardinnia.com%2Fimages%2FCrossOutline.jpg&hash=f62aaad6e287dfc54a37336b8d04a7def0c38d6b)

Like this..? Or just by using different shades of white?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on May 20, 2012, 05:51:23 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fgardinnia.com%2Fimages%2FCrossOutline.jpg&hash=f62aaad6e287dfc54a37336b8d04a7def0c38d6b)

Like this..? Or just by using different shades of white?

Remove the lines and... perfect!

Most hankies would do... preferably waved from the muzzle of an M91 assault rifle.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 20, 2012, 06:48:59 PM
You can not see the cross then  ???

Would have to at least use different material, like silk for the cross and cotton for the rest, perhaps? Or one could surface the cross differently than the rest, I suppose...  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on May 20, 2012, 07:33:36 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F2.bp.blogspot.com%2F-B68htV-pAKI%2FTsMyRH1EcuI%2FAAAAAAAAAEU%2Fg5wiuzbEnvM%2Fs1600%2Fdouble-facepalm.jpg&hash=adbe676451dd37aa53d28cd356dc37cd207c0575)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: waitin4godot on May 24, 2012, 09:45:20 AM
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the U.N. The only question was:-  "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"  The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe thay didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe thay didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution " meant.
In South America thay didn't know what "please" meant.
And finally, in the U.S. they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

hahahahaha
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on May 24, 2012, 10:17:37 AM
Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her. "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table." So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?" "Much better!" she replies with a smile. "Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 24, 2012, 11:15:29 AM
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on May 24, 2012, 02:45:12 PM
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 24, 2012, 03:02:02 PM
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
Fortunately my wife and daughters never suffered from PMS. However there was a lady where I worked once who's dates were marked on her own calendar by her and woe betide you if you asked the wrong thing on the wrong day! 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: technolud on May 25, 2012, 12:49:15 AM
Posted from Arkansas:

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Nancy Pelosi."


The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said, "Excellent trade, Sir."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: technolud on May 25, 2012, 07:23:38 AM
Please understand this joke was tongue in cheek.  I still think its funny though. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 25, 2012, 09:35:07 AM
I don't think you need to apologise for that one.  It's good, and - in various forms - has been around for centuries!  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 25, 2012, 09:38:35 AM
Please understand this joke was tongue in cheek.  I still think its funny though. 
The joke area is not 'politically correct'  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 25, 2012, 01:13:55 PM
The joke area is not 'politically correct'  :D
HEYY! Did you just ever-so-subtly call His Grayness a joke?! (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffiles.myopera.com%2Fdebplatt%2Fsmiley%2Ffurious3.gif&hash=6854c12ab24bef955849d50fa71da00a0f238ce5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Hector Valdez on May 26, 2012, 09:59:43 PM
A smiley face sticker said to a frowny face sticker, "Is something wrong?"
"Oh, heavens yes," The frowny face said, "He wanted a lollipop."

The frowny face sticker then said to the smiley face sticker, "And just why are you so damn happy?"
"Well, you see," the smiley face said, "She brushes her teeth."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on May 28, 2012, 05:39:17 PM
Mommy, mommy... may I play with granddaddy?
No Johnny, you already dug him up twice today.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 29, 2012, 11:35:32 AM
Mummy, Mummy, why am I walking round in circles?

Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: squidfetish on May 31, 2012, 09:32:11 PM
Mummy mummy, what's a nymphomaniac?

Shut up and help we get your granny off the doorknob!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 01, 2012, 06:47:34 PM
Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 01, 2012, 06:52:52 PM
Mummy, mummy, can I lick the bowl?

No, dear - pull the flush like anybody else.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: BonaireBound on June 02, 2012, 03:02:04 AM
Q: What's black and white and red all over and wont go through a revolving door?
A: A nun with a spear through her chest
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: BonaireBound on June 02, 2012, 03:06:46 AM
Old man and old woman in nursing home. The old man says to the old woman "Guess how old I am". The old woman unzips the old man's fly, fondles his junk for a bit, then zips him up and announces "You're 97." The old man says "That's right!  How did you know?!?" She says "You told me yesterday!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 02, 2012, 09:29:15 AM
Mummy, mummy, I hate my sister's guts!

Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 15, 2012, 08:02:03 PM
The doctor had sex with one of his female patients and
felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of
betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal,
reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about
it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex
with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And
you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him
back to reality, whispering: "You're a veterinarian, you
sick bastard."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 16, 2012, 02:31:16 PM
A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent
 1 Bar of soap
 3 individual servings of yogurt
 2 oranges
 1 stick of women's deodorant.
 She then goes to the check out line.

 Cashier: Oh, you must be single
 Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
 Cashier: No, you're fucking ugly!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on June 17, 2012, 12:05:27 AM
What's red and white and screams?
A peeled baby in a bucket of salt.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on June 17, 2012, 05:31:31 AM
At least Ali ought to like this one, for the pun.

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/575926_286429604788396_713467599_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 17, 2012, 10:07:48 AM
What's the difference between a cartload of babies and a cartload of sand?

You can't unload sand with a pitchfork.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on June 17, 2012, 10:21:59 AM
You can't unload sand with a pitchfork.
Well, as it happens... *Down the memory lane, The Asmo goes*  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 19, 2012, 09:57:36 AM
At least Ali ought to like this one, for the pun.

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/575926_286429604788396_713467599_n.jpg)

What's the difference between a barrow boy and a short-legged Dachshund?

One bawls out his wares on the pavement ...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on June 19, 2012, 04:13:15 PM
At least Ali ought to like this one, for the pun.

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/575926_286429604788396_713467599_n.jpg)

What's the difference between a barrow boy and a short-legged Dachshund?

One bawls out his wares on the pavement ...

Bahahahahahahaha

Both of these made me laugh.  Yay for word play.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on June 19, 2012, 05:03:30 PM
Bert and Joan go on a tour of the Middle East for their 50th aniversary.
Joan collapses dead in the desert.
As luck would have it, the tour operators local contact is in the funeral business.
"Well, Sir" says the local, "I can prepare the body for shipping back to the UK for 30,000Shekels or prepare a beautiful funeral here for only 1200Shekels".
Bert considers for a few seconds, "I'll have to go with the shipping option".
"Are you sure, Sir?" says Umar, "why would you not want the local ceremony?"
"Well, some fella was buried here a while back and rose from the dead" explained Bert, "I just can't take the risk"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on June 19, 2012, 05:06:02 PM
^^LOL  That took me a minute.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on June 19, 2012, 05:19:21 PM
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter...

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

 "Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."

 Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on June 19, 2012, 07:16:08 PM
Why is it better to have Alzheimer than Parkinson's disease?
It is better to forget to pay for the beer than to knock it over
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on June 19, 2012, 07:58:58 PM
A burglar sneaks through a dark living room, looking for valuables to steal.
Suddenly, he hears a voice saying "Jesus is watching you".   
Being scared, the burglar quickly hides himself behind the curtains.
After 5 minutes of silence, he thinks that the coast is clear; leaves his hiding place and carefully walks in the direction of the kitchen.
Again he hears someone saying "Jesus is watching you".
The burglar turns on his flashlight and shines it around carefully.
Then he notices a parrot in a cage, that says "Jesus is watching you".   
"Wow, that is nice", says the burglar, "a talking parrot. Do you have a name?"
The parrot replies "Yes, Moses".
The burglar starts to laugh and says: "What kind of idiots, call their parrot Moses?"
"Well" says the parrot "the same kind of idiots, who call their Rottweiler Jesus."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on June 19, 2012, 08:07:10 PM
^ Ahahaha! The only thing that comes to my mind is my Rott licking the man to death.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 22, 2012, 09:51:40 AM
Going round on the e-mail circuit:

Only in Britain  -   Complaints to Councils
Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on June 22, 2012, 10:13:22 AM
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
I see how this could confuse some, but the statement is actually perfectly legitimate.

Some of the walls simply have multiple issues, from half the walls being OK and half being damp, crumbling AND filthy to every single wall having one, two or all of the problems. The walls do not add up to half the neighbour's house, you see.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on June 22, 2012, 04:40:10 PM
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

We've been doing it wrong all this time?  Oh that is TYPICAL.   >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on June 24, 2012, 05:40:02 PM
I'm just reading Bill Bryson's The Lost Continent.  Somewhere in the Bible Belt he sees a sign: CHRIST IS THE ANSWER.  He decides the question must be, 'what do you shout when you hit your thumb with a hammer?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on July 30, 2012, 06:53:50 PM
Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?" Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on July 30, 2012, 07:07:30 PM
^ Brilliant!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on August 03, 2012, 10:22:56 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.profilebrand.com%2Ffunny-pictures%2Fcategory%2Fdemotivational%2F136_find-x.gif&hash=2e1350879bd8a7979659c8e15d60c60e16fbd0e9)

Not exactly a joke per se but funny nonetheless. The stuff of good jokes  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 04, 2012, 08:38:42 PM
A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."

 "I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 05, 2012, 09:51:34 PM
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 05, 2012, 09:55:30 PM
LOL!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: faalsekafaasla on August 11, 2012, 08:03:35 PM
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.



Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.



One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'



When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie. The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..



A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Saviour?' But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie. And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.



The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'



The nun fainted. ____________________________________________________________
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 15, 2012, 02:47:22 PM
A chap is sitting in a restaurant wishing that he could kind an opening to start chatting to the beautiful woman, who has just come in, when she gives a huge sneeze and what is obviously her glass eye pops out. He plucks it out of the air and hands it back to her.

"Thank you," she says, "let me reward your fielding skills by paying for your dinner." So they get to chatting and she then suggests that they see if they can get tickets for a show, "My treat as well," which they are lucky enough to do.

After the show she says, "Why not come back to my place for coffee and, if you fancy it, breakfast . . ."

Over breakfast the following day the chap asks, "Are you in the habit of treating all men like this on a first date?"

"Oh, no," she replies, "it's just that you caught my eye at the very beginning."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 15, 2012, 02:57:09 PM
Two men are walking down the road and see a dog licking its testicles.
The first man says: "Blimey, I wish I could do that."
The second man replies: "Better pet him first. He might bite."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 15, 2012, 04:39:44 PM
Be warned: This one is pretty bad.....

Two pedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them and goes, "Aahhh... A seven-year-old girl." The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes, "No, no ... Definitely an eight-year-old girl!" The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. "An eight-year-old!", "No, a seven-year-old!", "Definitely an eight-year-old!" .... and so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about.

 The first pedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says: "Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ......... but not from my parish!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on August 15, 2012, 07:28:03 PM
A Dutch man sees a man on his knees using his hand to drink water from one of Amsterdam’s canal.
He walks up to him and says in Dutch “Hey – you can’t drink that water, it’s dirty and will make you sick”.
The tourist shouts back in German: “Was sagen Sie?“ (What are you saying?)
The Dutch man responds in German: “Sie sollen mit zwei Hände trinken, das geht besser!” (Use both hands, it’s much better!”)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on August 15, 2012, 07:42:29 PM
A Belgian truck arrives at a tunnel. There’s a sign: “Max. height: 3m”. Unfortunately the Belgian truck is 3m15cm high. So, one of the Belgian drivers gets out. Steps on the roof. Looks around. Gets back in and says to his mate: “No cops in sight Sjefke, keep going!” .

Of course the truck gets stuck. A Dutch man in a small car passes by. Sees the truck, and tells the driver: you should let the air out of your tires so you can move the truck again. The Belgian driver starts laughing and says to his mate: Ha ha! Those stupid Dutch people, doesn’t he realize we’re stuck at the TOP, not the BOTTOM!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on August 15, 2012, 07:50:42 PM
...The moral being that Dutch tunnels have margins of error less than 150mm? Kinda' low, isn't it?  :-\
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on August 15, 2012, 08:07:19 PM
...The moral being that Dutch tunnels have margins of error less than 150mm? Kinda' low, isn't it?  :-\
Who said that it was a Dutch tunnel?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on August 15, 2012, 08:08:29 PM
I tried to log on to my computer this morning but it wouldn't let me in.
I shouted to my wife, "Babe, have you changed the password on the PC?"
"Yes honey."
"What is it?"
"It's the date of our anniversary."
Bitch.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on August 15, 2012, 08:36:21 PM
...The moral being that Dutch tunnels have margins of error less than 150mm? Kinda' low, isn't it?  :-\
Who said that it was a Dutch tunnel?
What was the Dutch driver doing giving advice to a random truck in someone else's tunnel?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 15, 2012, 08:49:24 PM
A blonde walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the rather deaf clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on August 15, 2012, 09:03:11 PM
...The moral being that Dutch tunnels have margins of error less than 150mm? Kinda' low, isn't it?  :-\
Who said that it was a Dutch tunnel?
What was the Dutch driver doing giving advice to a random truck in someone else's tunnel?  ???
???  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 15, 2012, 09:11:09 PM
Oh, for the FSM's sake - are you two going to argue all night over this goddamn tunnel?  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on August 15, 2012, 09:27:36 PM
???  ???
If he was abroad, as in other than Dutch tunnel, he'd have to be familiar with the proper procedure for getting a stuck lorry out before being all helpful. Here, for instance, the police or road authorities would appreciate being called in to assess the damage before any tyre-pumping action was initiated, unless done to avoid getting stuck in the first place before entering a tiny hole with a large object.

Oh, for the FSM's sake - are you two going to argue all night over this goddamn tunnel?  ;)
YES.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on August 15, 2012, 10:39:52 PM
???  ???
If he was abroad, as in other than Dutch tunnel, he'd have to be familiar with the proper procedure for getting a stuck lorry out before being all helpful. Here, for instance, the police or road authorities would appreciate being called in to assess the damage before any tyre-pumping action was initiated, unless done to avoid getting stuck in the first place before entering a tiny hold with a large object.

I saw that happen here in southern Brazil (it was a laugh) except it was an overhead bridge and not a tunnel. True Failblog material.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on August 15, 2012, 10:49:05 PM
How do you make a baby cry?
Throw a brick at it!

How do you make a baby stop crying?
Throw another brick at it!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 16, 2012, 05:26:06 AM
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on August 16, 2012, 06:57:39 AM
"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

In many parts of the world, people survive on one to two dollars a day. 800 a year would give her about 2,20 a day. Upper poor class, in other words, but sounds quite doable.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 16, 2012, 04:47:11 PM
"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

In many parts of the world, people survive on one to two dollars a day. 800 a year would give her about 2,20 a day. Upper poor class, in other words, but sounds quite doable.
The difference between east Africa and Nevada.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on August 23, 2012, 09:23:51 PM
Prince Harry's father has refused to comment on his sons antics. But Prince Charles is said to be furious.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on August 23, 2012, 09:44:05 PM
Prince Harry's father has refused to comment on his sons antics. But Prince Charles is said to be furious.
ROFL!!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 24, 2012, 10:10:51 AM
^^ Good one!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 29, 2012, 03:42:43 PM
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flash light beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot said, then squawked, "I’m just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" he laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: history_geek on August 29, 2012, 04:55:53 PM
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flash light beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot said, then squawked, "I’m just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" he laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffpvlab.com%2Fforums%2Fattachment.php%3Fattachmentid%3D8217%26amp%3Bd%3D1332571118&hash=02b75e9228163fae21db273d9985b43eae13b87f)

Man its been ages since I heard that... gets me every time.  ;D

Well, these aren't exactly jokes. I trust that atlest some of you know what IRC is, so you know its a chat. It was developed in the late 80's and "nerds" still use it (and half the population of Finland apparently). There are two sites where people send quotes from these discussion; the Finnish IRCquotes and the more international bash.org. Here's some examples from the later:



<@gloriaea> this is how wars start
<@gloriaea> someone puts up a swedish pop poster and a german blames it on a finn
_________________

t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY  HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I  DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right

_____________

<Khassaki> HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
<Judge-Mental> try pressing the the Caps Lock key
<Khassaki> O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!
<Judge-Mental> fuck me

So, yeah. If you ever have a bad case of optimism for our species, you know the address that will set you straight. Have fun.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on August 30, 2012, 07:27:35 PM
The Dead Horse Theory

The tribal wisdom of the Plains Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that
"When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And, of course...

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position

Taken from one of those circular e-mails.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on August 30, 2012, 07:56:21 PM
This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on August 30, 2012, 08:43:51 PM
This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

How funny, I was playing this through in my head only yesterday. I'd heard it on some spiritual / self-help tape about 25 years ago. Where'd you hear that?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on August 30, 2012, 09:06:38 PM
How funny, I was playing this through in my head only yesterday. I'd heard it on some spiritual / self-help tape about 25 years ago. Where'd you hear that?
I heard it from my wife, who heard it on a business seminar some years ago.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on August 31, 2012, 06:24:20 AM
A man had bought himself a new sports car and was out on the highway to test it a little. When he had gotten it up to 160 he spotted blue lights in the rearview mirror.
He slowed down and pulled over to the side and the policeman came up and asked for his license and said. "It's been a long day, I'm tired, it's Saturday night and I will soon get off patrol. I  have no desire to sit with more paperwork. If you can give me a good excuse that I have not heard before why you were speeding, you will avoid fines and a revoked driver's license!"
The man thought for a moment and then replied. "My bitch of a wife ran off with a policeman last week and now I was afraid it was you who wanted to give her back!"
The policeman looked at him and said :"Have a nice weekend".

(Translated with Google Translator)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on August 31, 2012, 02:19:31 PM
A young woman who loved to speed hit the lottery, so she bought the fastest car she could and took it out on the highway to test it out.
She was going about 75 mph in a 60 mph zone and zipped by a motorcycle cop who gave chase.
Seeing the officer in her rear-view mirror, she decided to have a bit of fun.
Just as he was about to catch her, she hit the gas and sped up to 85 mph.
The cop sped up and as he was closing in on her again, she waved and sped off at 100 mph.
The motorcycle cop was obviously having problems catching her, so when he finally got close again, she decided to stop fooling around.
She floored it, and sped away at 180 mph!
After a bit, she slowed down and pulled over to wait... but didn't see the cop.
She turned around to look for him and found him on the side of the road, his bike wrecked in a ditch.
"What happened?", she asked.
"Well, I almost had you that last time...", the cop replied, "but you took off so fast I though my bike had stopped - so I got off to check what was wrong!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 05, 2012, 03:33:35 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ft0.gstatic.com%2Fimages%3Fq%3Dtbn%3AANd9GcTHZ467gwleY0CZc-CefWw-JEwAecwUXnfA5e7GUgz93k1RoqknSg%26amp%3Bt%3D1&hash=d045facdc93ac768e32577fd53597fe424a79960)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on September 07, 2012, 06:39:44 AM
A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"

 "What! Are you crazy!"

 "Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.

 "No! Someone might see us..."

 "It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like it."

 "No! I said no!"

 "Baby... don't be like that."

 Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on September 07, 2012, 09:10:44 AM
SAFE SEX WARNING:

Condoms don't guarantee safety - my friend was wearing one and he was shot by the woman's husband.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on September 07, 2012, 11:07:24 AM
A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do. She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone." So she plays it while he screws her sister. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy." The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on September 08, 2012, 07:11:51 AM
Hypnotist at the Senior Center


It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;

I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.

It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on September 08, 2012, 07:24:00 PM
SAFE SEX WARNING:

Condoms don't guarantee safety - my friend was wearing one and he was shot by the woman's husband.

HAHAHA!!

That reminds me of Austin Powers I think when they were like "Do you use protection?" and he's like "Of course, I always carry one with me" and pulls out a small hand gun.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on September 11, 2012, 05:03:58 PM
Fun for the childless...
Hire a babysitter, tell them that your child is asleep in their bedroom, and not to be woken. When you return, ask the sitter where the kid is.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on September 11, 2012, 05:16:57 PM
Fun for the childless...
Hire a babysitter, tell them that your child is asleep in their bedroom, and not to be woken. When you return, ask the sitter where the kid is.
???
... ...
...
..!

YEEESS!  :D The Asmo is SO looking for a sitter!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on September 12, 2012, 12:37:50 AM
Fun for the childless...
Hire a babysitter, tell them that your child is asleep in their bedroom, and not to be woken. When you return, ask the sitter where the kid is.

This is so cruel, I love it!! ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on September 12, 2012, 12:38:44 AM
Fun for the childless...
Hire a babysitter, tell them that your child is asleep in their bedroom, and not to be woken. When you return, ask the sitter where the kid is.

Golly gosh I am doing that!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on September 12, 2012, 12:36:42 PM
A 16-year-old blond girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off." So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.

 Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again. After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... MacGyver!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on September 12, 2012, 08:52:12 PM
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on September 14, 2012, 11:49:20 PM

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/s480x480/223130_10151024096797213_156872793_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on September 15, 2012, 06:46:58 AM
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

HAHA  :D
I like this one.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Truthseeker on September 19, 2012, 06:52:58 PM
I thought this was as good a place as any to post this.  Certainly many have already seen this, but my god this is funny.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on September 19, 2012, 07:38:42 PM
I thought this was as good a place as any to post this.  Certainly many have already seen this, but my god this is funny.


 :D lol, nope, never seen it before. Thanks for sharing!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on September 21, 2012, 02:06:31 PM
-Women's rights.

-Why do black people lean towards the inside of their car when they're driving? They think the smell is coming from the outside.

-How many white guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. A white guy will screw anything.

-How many Mexicans does it take to take a bath? 50. One to sit in the tub, and 49 to spit on him.

-What do you call a Filipino walking his dog? A vegetarian.

-Why don't Jewish cannibals like eating Germans? They give them gas.

I'm on a mission to tell a horrible joke about every group of people I know of.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on September 22, 2012, 05:32:15 AM
An old farmer writes to his son in prison:

Dear son, this year I wont be able to plant potatoes because I can't dig the field by myself. I know if you were here, you would help me.

The son writes back: Dad, don't even think of digging the field, because that's where I buried the money I stole.

The police read the letter and the next day the whole field was dug by police looking for the money but nothing was found.

The following day the son wrote again....

Now plant your potatoes dad.. It's the best I can do from here!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Magdalena on September 22, 2012, 05:45:29 AM
I hope you haven't heard this one yet.  :D

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, an we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on September 22, 2012, 06:11:20 AM
An old farmer writes to his son in prison:

Dear son, this year I wont be able to plant potatoes because I can't dig the field by myself. I know if you were here, you would help me.

The son writes back: Dad, don't even think of digging the field, because that's where I buried the money I stole.

The police read the letter and the next day the whole field was dug by police looking for the money but nothing was found.

The following day the son wrote again....

Now plant your potatoes dad.. It's the best I can do from here!

Aww, I like this one a lot.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on September 22, 2012, 07:51:41 PM
An old farmer writes to his son in prison:

Dear son, this year I wont be able to plant potatoes because I can't dig the field by myself. I know if you were here, you would help me.

The son writes back: Dad, don't even think of digging the field, because that's where I buried the money I stole.

The police read the letter and the next day the whole field was dug by police looking for the money but nothing was found.

The following day the son wrote again....

Now plant your potatoes dad.. It's the best I can do from here!
Love it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on September 22, 2012, 08:01:49 PM
Olaf was a resistance man during the war and hosted the resistance meetings at his farm. He was also the owner of a rather splendid parrot that he had gotten as a gift from his sailing son before the war. In hisspare time he amused himself by teaching it to talk, which would prove to be a mistake.

One day, while Olaf was out,  a patrol of german soldiers were marching past the house. As the parrot saw them it started saying "Down with Hitler! Down with Hitler!".
The sergeant, furious with this insult to the Fuhrer, made notes of the event and the address. The serving girl at the farm saw what happened and ran to find Olaf and warn him of what had happened. Olaf was suitably terrified of the possibility that he would be arrested, until he remembered that the pastor also owned a parrot. So he ran to the pastor's home and begged him to switch parrot with him until this all blew over. The pastor agreed and the switch was made.

The day after a car pulled up and two severe looking fellows in long dark coats got out. knocking on the door the two men identified themselves as GESTAPO and demanded to see the parrot. Olaf dutifully invited them into his home and brought them into the living room where the parrot (which he had borrowed from the pastor) was sitting on it's peg.
One of them walked up to it and said in a calm, quiet voice "Down with Hitler!" The parrot just sat there looking at him.
"Down with Hitler!" He said again, a little more forcefully. Still the parrot said nothing.
"Down with Hitler!", the agent shouted at the parrot, getting more and more flustered with each attempt to make the parrot speak. By the end both he and his partner are shouting at the parrot, pleading with the parrot, anything to get it to say "down with Hilter".
Finally one of them, sweaty, out of breath and on the verge of giving up tries one last time. He looks at the parrot and with the last of his voice whispers "Down with Hitler...".
The parrot looks at him, folds its' wings in front of it's chest and said: "The Lord hear thy prayer. Amen!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Nameless on September 22, 2012, 08:12:39 PM
http://genericindigo.com/forum/topic1667.html
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on September 22, 2012, 10:11:00 PM
I'm listening to Nephew's Igen Og Igen and my mom's boyfriend walks in my room with a confused look on his face asking why they were singing about and orca man.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 01, 2012, 12:19:50 AM
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

 There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

 I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

 She sleepily replied,

 "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 02, 2012, 08:40:30 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F46308_394947697242831_496231760_n.jpg&hash=28ec2857cbf56ac91ea80152e12f6c4a964d5f92)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on October 02, 2012, 04:55:17 PM
LOL, Tank!  :D Love it.

Now you've got me hungry. And singing. Well done. ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on October 02, 2012, 08:14:57 PM
... one of my faves from Rowan Atkinson:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on October 02, 2012, 08:26:19 PM
... one of my faves from Rowan Atkinson:


Excellent one. I love that man, haha. So good. Love the one he does on going out on a date with a girl and not appearing too eager. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on October 02, 2012, 08:38:25 PM
... one of my faves from Rowan Atkinson:

Excellent one. I love that man, haha. So good. Love the one he does on going out on a date with a girl and not appearing too eager. ;D

... this one has a different ending than I remember (I think he has a less pc version called the Amazing Jesus and Trixie)
He got me in "Blackadder", and I enjoyed some of Mr. Bean (but not the movies).  Very smart and funny guy.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 02, 2012, 08:40:36 PM
I thought Johnny English was hilarious, Rowan Atkinson can really pull off being serious and funny at the same time. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 03, 2012, 08:52:07 PM
Rowan Atkinson plays the devil:
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on October 03, 2012, 09:44:54 PM
Rowan Atkinson plays the devil:

didn't know the devil's first name was Toby!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on October 03, 2012, 11:41:23 PM
Rowan Atkinson plays the devil:

didn't know the devil's first name was Toby!

I always crack up at the "will you stop screaming?!?" and the "damnation without relief" lines. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 04, 2012, 03:58:09 PM
Hymie’s friend Moshie goes to the doctor, who tells him: “You’re going to die.”

Moshie says: “I’d like a second opinion.”

The doctor says: “You’re also very ugly.”
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on October 04, 2012, 04:37:49 PM
Hymie’s friend Moshie goes to the doctor, who tells him: “You’re going to die.”

Moshie says: “I’d like a second opinion.”

The doctor says: “You’re also very ugly.”

 :D Good one. Reminds of me one that went something like -

Winston Churchill and Bessie Bradshaw were at a party together,
Bradshaw bellowed "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!"
To which he replied without missing a beat, "And you, Madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Nameless on October 05, 2012, 07:26:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.normalbobsmith.com%2Fsatanssalvation%2Fpfss_comic44.jpg&hash=2f04d94e58ae500d31510b9a91db9f6b65d217de)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 05, 2012, 08:44:12 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.normalbobsmith.com%2Fsatanssalvation%2Fpfss_comic44.jpg&hash=2f04d94e58ae500d31510b9a91db9f6b65d217de)
Uh... What? Who's Chester and why does he burn hellfire? And how can one burn a fire? Would that not be like... Oh, I don't know, watering a lake to make it wet?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Nameless on October 05, 2012, 09:02:50 PM
ask the creator of the comic
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 05, 2012, 09:09:25 PM
I don't get how this is even a joke... It doesn't have anything that can pass for a punchline, now does it?  ???

Eh well... Shall never figure out humans and their sense of hammer... Hurmur... Whatever it is they call that.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on October 05, 2012, 09:19:41 PM
I don't get how this is even a joke... It doesn't have anything that can pass for a punchline, now does it?  ???

Eh well... Shall never figure out humans and their sense of hammer... Hurmur... Whatever it is they call that.  >:(

Jesus is complaining that he went through agony on a cross for one day. The devil is pointing out that Chester there has just celebrated a million years being tortured in hell. I guess the punch line is that despite Christians often talking about Jesus' agony, their doctrine still features a place where people will be tormented forever.

It fell a little flat with me, too. But I do like Chester's party hat.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Nameless on October 05, 2012, 09:25:09 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fgenericindigo.com%2Fforum%2Fdownload%2Ffile.php%3Fid%3D102&hash=eb196590d2913433f07adf6ae90902b9e2dbb4dd)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 06, 2012, 07:25:21 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F576509_326124480819653_767087084_n.jpg&hash=c4b26f94fab0b4e45b5588f8255726acc2b43e11)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 06, 2012, 09:51:38 AM
Quote from: The Asmo
Uh... What? Who's Chester and why does he burn hellfire? And how can one burn a fire? Would that not be like... Oh, I don't know, watering a lake to make it wet?  ???

Burning here is an adjective describing a quality of Hell Fire.  But it's not immediately clear and I'm afraid the whole thing is not that funny anyway.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 06, 2012, 11:21:32 AM
Burning here is an adjective describing a quality of Hell Fire.
It's a fire. Using burning as adjective to describe it seems sort of... Pointless.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 06, 2012, 04:30:11 PM
^ True.  I didn't claim it was good, I just parsed it.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OhhDucky on October 06, 2012, 05:00:10 PM
Whats in the water.....ROTFLMAO!!!!!

http://youtu.be/8Sq-VmBMHkw (http://youtu.be/8Sq-VmBMHkw)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 06, 2012, 05:52:16 PM
Whats in the water.....ROTFLMAO!!!!!

http://youtu.be/8Sq-VmBMHkw (http://youtu.be/8Sq-VmBMHkw)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_ma5vdqthnb1qdyg71o1_1280.jpg&hash=5de844af21a8247621ba0d6f7476ae82452c4508)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 06, 2012, 06:46:20 PM
Whats in the water.....ROTFLMAO!!!!!

http://youtu.be/8Sq-VmBMHkw (http://youtu.be/8Sq-VmBMHkw)
The answer is photons, no?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on October 07, 2012, 05:58:22 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/523935_235584303233958_502221899_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 09, 2012, 11:02:51 AM
An 8-year-old choir boy caught the local priest masturbating.
He asked. "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating, my son” the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why's that father ?" he asked.
"Because my wrist is killing me.” The priest replied.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 09, 2012, 03:02:27 PM
An 8-year-old choir boy caught the local priest masturbating.
He asked. "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating, my son” the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why's that father ?" he asked.
"Because my wrist is killing me.” The priest replied.
Yes. You see, THIS is good joke.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 09, 2012, 03:35:57 PM
Rat #1: Knock, knock.
Rat #2: Who's there?
Rat #1: Euripides.
Rat #2: Euripides, who?
Rat #1: Euripides trousers, you mend-a these trousers.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on October 09, 2012, 04:31:23 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/523935_235584303233958_502221899_n.jpg)

Bahahahahahahahhahaha.  This made me snort decaf out my nose.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on October 09, 2012, 11:55:26 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/523935_235584303233958_502221899_n.jpg)

Bahahahahahahahhahaha.  This made me snort decaf out my nose.

 ;D  Yay, you saw it! I thought of you when I posted that, I thought 'Ali will appreciate the pun!'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OhhDucky on October 10, 2012, 04:13:43 PM
A wife is having sex with her husband's best friend one day. Soon the phone rings, so she answers it. "Yes... uh, huh... OK... yes... bye."
Her husband's best friend says, "Who was it?"
"That was my husband," she replied.
The man jumped out of bed, and tried to put on his clothes in a hurry.
"Relax," said the wife. "He just called to tell me he was out playing golf with you"
__________________
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OhhDucky on October 10, 2012, 04:18:16 PM
A man and woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they're both doctors. After an hour, the man says, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached." The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex. Afterward, the man says, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yes," says the woman, "how did you know?" "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started," he says. "That makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" asks the man. The woman replies, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ali on October 10, 2012, 04:33:17 PM
Two men were out walking their dogs, when they decided to stop in at a local bar to get a drink.  They knew that the bar wouldn't let them bring their dogs in, so they came up with a plan of telling the bartender that they were blind, and these were their seeing eye dogs.  The first man walked in with his dog, a big strapping German Shepherd.  The bar tender stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here."  The man says "No, see, I'm blind, and he's my seeing eye dog."  The bartender lets him in with the dog.  The second guy waits a few minutes, and then he comes in with his dog, a little chihuahua.  The bartender stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here."  The man says "No, see, I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog."  The bartender says "Your seeing eye dog is a chihauhau????"  The man says "What?!?  They gave me a chihuahua?!?" 

:D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OhhDucky on October 10, 2012, 05:19:07 PM
Great duck joke....

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on October 10, 2012, 05:30:10 PM
A poor, hungry, cold alley cat dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter welcomes him and says "because you've had such a rough life, we want to make it right for you now. Just tell me what you'd like, and it's yours." The cat exclaims "oh, wow. How kind. Well, I've spent my life sleeping in cold alleys. What I want more than anything is a lovely warm pillow to bask in the sun on. If I got that, I'd be so happy." St Peter readily agrees, the cat is provided with the softest pillow in existence, and he happily snuggles in.

Next a group of mice find their way up to heaven. They're nervous, timid creatures, glancing about frantically left and right. St Peter welcomes them, and says "you've had a rough life, always having to scurry away from predators, trying to find crumbs to eat. We'll make it right. What would you like now that you're in heaven? The mice exclaim "Oh, wow. How kind. Well, getting food on earth was difficult so we'd love to have cheese and crackers available, and it was so hard outrunning those predators that if we can each have a pair of super-fast roller skates, we'd never have to worry again!" St Peter is amused, and agrees that the mice ought to have the food and the roller skates. They're provided with their needs, and happily skate away.

A week goes by. St Peter decides it's time to check in on the new creatures. He finds the cat, and asks "how are you enjoying your lovely warm pillow?"

"It's purrrrrfect", the cat says. "And if I may say so, I've also REALLY appreciated the meals on wheels you've sent my way!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OhhDucky on October 11, 2012, 04:23:45 PM
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was,
said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female, as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The frog then turned to the rabbit and asked him to state his third wish.

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."
__________________
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 12, 2012, 08:39:49 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F247220_10152184533620112_237793988_n.jpg&hash=03bb6a45df563be2b6b5674c1571b3f037673304)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 16, 2012, 03:59:18 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F269963_328957540535260_2104866396_n.jpg&hash=fd82702de4c33b002f370e385f75f1bc9c37edd6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on October 16, 2012, 04:09:00 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F269963_328957540535260_2104866396_n.jpg&hash=fd82702de4c33b002f370e385f75f1bc9c37edd6)

 :D Fully agree.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F1.bp.blogspot.com%2F_9xzkJBn9FFk%2FS-oZuOdwBiI%2FAAAAAAAAARA%2FGNNze9KRrxI%2Fs1600%2Ffunny-pictures-cat-will-nap-here.jpg&hash=59746dac5a494c367a5754b5cdbbfb70a9905c10)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 16, 2012, 06:01:00 PM
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 16, 2012, 09:36:00 PM

A stranger has to pull his car aside the road because there are sheep
crossing the road. He gets out of his car bored and asks the sheppard: "If
I can guess exactly how many sheep you have, can I have one of them?". The
Sheppard says yes because he thinks the stranger will never guess exactly
the right number. After a while the stranger says: "165 sheep". Surprised
the sheppard says: "Ok, pick one". The stranger chooses one of the animals
and when he gets into his car again, the sheppard says: "If I can guess
your profession, can I get my animal back then?". "OK," says the
stranger. "You're a theoretical biologist, and now give me my dog back..."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 22, 2012, 07:38:54 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F9052_393456280728420_669642698_n.jpg&hash=5ad4f1c01408690757c23fe28705a58beba20b14)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on October 22, 2012, 04:26:51 PM
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

***

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. The religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.

However, the atheist's had a good life. An excellent, well-payed job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man's job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day ,and his kids were obnoxious, and non loving.

So one day, while deep into his regular prayer, he looked towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

A great voice bellowed out from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

***

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.

"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"

"I'd rather not say who it was."

"Was it with Betty Smith?"

"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.

"Yes, and two very good leads!"

***

And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.''

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

''Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

''Six months, and it starts to rain,'' thundered the Lord. ''You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.''

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

''Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?'' A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

''Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,'' Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

''You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?'' Noah asked, hopefully.

''Wrong!'' thundered the Lord. ''But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself.''

''What's that?'' asked Noah. There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:

''Government.''
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 22, 2012, 05:12:07 PM
Good ones, Phinx! ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 22, 2012, 06:37:35 PM
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

 Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

 When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

 He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

 As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

 Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

 Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

 Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 22, 2012, 09:05:36 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FLaughing_RoflSmileyLJ.gif&hash=408f9683dd143fb3e0c4dfb36ccf4b0387222924)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on October 22, 2012, 09:39:21 PM
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, ' I think I am going to have a little whisk broom! '

' IMPOSSIBLE ! ' said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt...

' WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER! '
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 23, 2012, 12:20:21 AM
Ouch!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on October 23, 2012, 07:52:12 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/253130_416964188358838_1451794777_n.jpg)

Text in case the image doesn't work:

At an Irish wedding reception, someone yelled...
"Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 23, 2012, 11:44:53 AM
A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

 He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand. "My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot." "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on October 25, 2012, 08:19:13 PM
Jacob, age 92, and Henrietta, age 89, are excited about their
decision to get married.  They go for a stroll to discuss the
wedding and on the way they pass a chemist.
Jacob suggests they go in. He addresses the man behind the
counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob:" Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundices?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety..... the works!"
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for
Parkinson's Disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob:" You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there
something I can help you with?"
Jacob says to the pharmacist:
"We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Shop."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on October 26, 2012, 12:44:59 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F59455_419168854804793_554134293_n.jpg&hash=fbbdae6b2f637ae751be71214cb7e418b8f14c41)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on October 28, 2012, 08:32:10 PM
A Norwegian was complaining to a Swede about the high price of petrol. The Swede just responded, "I don't care much about that. I always fill up for 100 kronor anyways."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on October 28, 2012, 10:28:40 PM
Yes. Same here. I always fill up for 500, so I don't give a flying duck about petrol prices - all they do to me is make me fill up the car somewhat more often. Well, whatever.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 09, 2012, 12:33:32 AM
This is (supposedly) an actual radio conversation between a United States Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October of 1995. (The radio conversation was apparently released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 as authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.) For what it's worth, I read this cute little exchange in a reader's digest magazine in the late 90s. True or not, it's good. ;D

Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:
No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:
This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north...
I say again...That's one-five degrees north.... or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

Canadians:
We are a lighthouse. Your call.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 09, 2012, 11:17:37 AM
10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates St Peter says '' If any of you are Pedophiles you can shove off down to Hell".  Nine  of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out ''And take this deaf bastard with you''

 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on November 09, 2012, 07:32:37 PM
10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates St Peter says '' If any of you are Pedophiles you can shove off down to Hell".  Nine  of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out ''And take this deaf bastard with you''

 
HAHA
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 09, 2012, 09:11:04 PM
A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 10, 2012, 11:45:32 AM
^ good one!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on November 10, 2012, 03:18:26 PM
This is (supposedly) an actual radio conversation between a United States Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October of 1995. (The radio conversation was apparently released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 as authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.) For what it's worth, I read this cute little exchange in a reader's digest magazine in the late 90s. True or not, it's good. ;D

Canadians:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:
This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:
No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:
This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers, and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees north...
I say again...That's one-five degrees north.... or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship!

Canadians:
We are a lighthouse. Your call.

That's funny!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 12, 2012, 01:02:44 AM
A married woman is enjoying a rather lewd dream in bed.
Suddenly she jumps up and shouts "Quick, my husband is coming!"
Her husband starts awake and promptly jumps out the window.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 12, 2012, 12:28:13 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F542878_553290388033752_445107681_n.jpg&hash=8d187e77a1efd0afa767ed7540d318ef2c9a776b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 12, 2012, 02:52:54 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F542878_553290388033752_445107681_n.jpg&hash=8d187e77a1efd0afa767ed7540d318ef2c9a776b)

LOL  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 12, 2012, 04:56:19 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F68066_10151233313786730_465306148_n.jpg&hash=1d79e64bef9f730f6baa1b5f4741b2fdc6638c3e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 12, 2012, 05:28:53 PM
 :D I've always liked that angry, frozen cat.

Here's one for folks here who have seen snow already or are expecting it soon:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F4.bp.blogspot.com%2F-8pqfj0BCzMo%2FTxggyLkPi9I%2FAAAAAAAACvU%2F1u7mnpOjvZA%2Fs640%2F387587_307807349242036_100000383218232_1026118_1118317974_n.jpg&hash=dcbc74ba5dee700326dc74b47996e1217f5511c1)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 12, 2012, 05:56:20 PM
For those of us who enjoy puns (I'm sure Ali will see this eventually)


Not Just Another Frog Story

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says, "$30,000."

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's " OK," he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog out there called Kermit Jagger who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use THIS as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck IS this?!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack... Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 12, 2012, 06:16:59 PM


OMFSM!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 12, 2012, 10:09:49 PM


OMFSM!!

Hmm. Good or bad omfsm? ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on November 12, 2012, 10:30:31 PM


OMFSM!!

Hmm. Good or bad omfsm? ;)

It sounded good to me!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 12, 2012, 10:36:07 PM


OMFSM!!

Hmm. Good or bad omfsm? ;)

It sounded good to me!

I have visions of OG standing on a park bench, yelling that acronym as loudly as he can for all the world to hear.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on November 12, 2012, 10:43:00 PM


OMFSM!!

Hmm. Good or bad omfsm? ;)

It sounded good to me!

I have visions of OG standing on a park bench, yelling that acronym as loudly as he can for all the world to hear.

I thought I heard something strange coming from the Southerly direction earlier on today ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 13, 2012, 10:11:32 AM
You may well have heard it, Claire, but it was uttered in my living room, not on a park bench.  And it was provoked by the enormity of that Paddywhack joke.  :o

I thought there were international treaties banning the peacetime use of jokes like that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 13, 2012, 05:35:58 PM
You may well have heard it, Claire, but it was uttered in my living room, not on a park bench.  And it was provoked by the enormity of that Paddywhack joke.  :o

I thought there were international treaties banning the peacetime use of jokes like that.

There are indeed treaties banning the use of such jokes. The humor police have attempted to arrest me. They gave up when they arrived. I was so silly that none of their officers could get the cuffs on me without bursting out into giggles; some rolled their eyes so badly they needed corrective surgery.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 14, 2012, 09:07:45 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F417010_542005869158891_1005852836_n.jpg&hash=272206bc40721b1a2dce80b5e7e7bed896fade8f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 14, 2012, 03:07:44 PM
Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best, " the first guy says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy "What about you?".
"Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 15, 2012, 10:18:03 AM
I fall into the typical male category, I seriously suspect my wife is a typical female in this respect!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F532269_461595200573224_570020419_n.jpg&hash=a59e30b975e45c6173b652d0d17000483dd966c3)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 15, 2012, 11:21:52 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F536266_406489049421313_1269869043_n.jpg&hash=2401c3cfc0d123b6d84dbfe4ca68adc3de45cffc)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on November 15, 2012, 12:32:39 PM
I fall into the typical male category, I seriously suspect my wife is a typical female in this respect!

Bugger I fall into the female category again.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 16, 2012, 07:44:11 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F20317_403928353010471_721001381_n.jpg&hash=dd0d300ddf7b2cfd1b3c822700d72a153ce53fc4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: AlisonFox66 on November 16, 2012, 08:23:47 PM
scientists invented a device to turn a dog's thoughts into worrds

 a man got one for xmas and put it on his dog

it said

'i am off to take the human for a walk, he needs his space away from your mother and the festivities'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on November 17, 2012, 01:56:10 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Futify.com%2FG%2FPBorPiB.png&hash=264e10a3591db104b9fd85a86a14cf1a9d1725e2)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 18, 2012, 08:12:53 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FDVU8O.jpg&hash=4fefa06ed84dc370d291f2f727dd6ffee72ee22b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: AlisonFox66 on November 19, 2012, 09:33:53 AM
hey noo

everyone knows that at Burns Suppers its the women who wear the trousers

'nothing is worn under the kilt , it is all in perfect working order'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 19, 2012, 05:09:27 PM
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there..'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and  7 inches in your pants......

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in  Aspen and  Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in  Louisiana . There are over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.  Just send the wine back.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on November 19, 2012, 09:27:34 PM
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there..'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and  7 inches in your pants......

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in  Aspen and  Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in  Louisiana . There are over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.  Just send the wine back.'


That's brilliant!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 21, 2012, 02:00:24 PM
I went into the florist's and asked for some flowers for the wife.
He said, "are you looking for anything in particular?"
"Yes," I said, "sex."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on November 21, 2012, 06:27:38 PM
A psychiatrist, administering a Rorschach test, showed his patient the first ink blot and asked, "What do you see here?"
The patient replied, "A naked woman!"
He showed him another ink blot and asked, "What about this one?"
The patient replied again, "A naked woman!" And a third, and a fourth, fifth, and sixth ink blot, it was always the same: "A naked woman."
The psychiatrist said, "Now I see your problem -- you're obsessed with sex!"
The patient replied, "Me?! You're the one with the dirty pictures!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Willow on November 21, 2012, 06:41:50 PM


OMFSM!!
I saw this and my first attempt was to decode it as:
Oh My Fucking Sado Masochism
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on November 21, 2012, 06:45:13 PM
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there..'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and  7 inches in your pants......

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in  Aspen and  Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in  Louisiana . There are over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.  Just send the wine back.'

That's rich! XD
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OhhDucky on November 22, 2012, 03:46:18 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi150.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fs94%2FMeconopsis%2F_00aeffd.jpg&hash=0c5d6547a8e8fd85263f5b8342bd415418f96d40)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OhhDucky on November 22, 2012, 03:47:03 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi150.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fs94%2FMeconopsis%2F_00turkeymoo.jpg&hash=494b8f68fa2585ec5f3509845b19b73fae0a2ba4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 23, 2012, 08:32:14 PM
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on November 23, 2012, 09:04:33 PM
.

I feel for the cat as I chuffing hate squirrels (the grey American imports anyway) for that reason.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 23, 2012, 09:14:05 PM

 :D :D  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 23, 2012, 10:34:19 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/550826_445009772228279_969434483_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 24, 2012, 05:59:59 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Fdogjoke.jpg&hash=43af8c97e8e3050bfffda81816b352abfec17c17)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 24, 2012, 10:17:32 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F487138_10151384696308465_844806413_n.jpg&hash=4795feec58f6aaf92bb645560f924f79a11e180d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 25, 2012, 09:11:23 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F390362_416242698446664_1707603259_n.jpg&hash=16d5aff3e8d707d090b44b857c23f3526799d949)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on November 25, 2012, 06:58:54 PM
^^ I just looked up the grumpy cat and found out his name is Tard. :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 25, 2012, 07:33:14 PM
^^ I just looked up the grumpy cat and found out his name is Tard. :)

I love Tard. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 26, 2012, 09:45:13 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F65156_403265123076256_908579770_n.jpg&hash=482e069c4be060cf992aa333d708918ecd5a1cc4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on November 26, 2012, 12:17:22 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road?



Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road? But is rather, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Heisenberg: Because the chicken is moving very fast, you can either observe the
chicken or you can measure its speed, but you cannot do both.

Jean Foucault:  It didn’t. The rotation of the earth made it appear to cross.

Galileo: To get a better look at the stars.

Ohm: There was more resistance on this side of the road.

Pascal: It was pressured to cross the road.

Volta: The other side had more potential.

Hawking: There exist numerous parallel universes in which the same chicken is in differing stages of crossing the road.  Only when one of the chickens has completed crossing the road do their wave functions coallesce.

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Buckminister Fuller: Because we have not yet designed and implemented true, constantly forwardly/backwardly evolving, energy-transforming living machines which will enable us to perform all functions from the informedly turbining hub of a single autonomous in-spiralling/out-radiating network of space-connected information vector transforms. Had the chicken been
supplied with my Dymaxion Tensegrity Coop, it would have remained at home, un-tempted by such risky spatial-temporal translations.

Grandpa: In our days, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on November 26, 2012, 04:41:59 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road?

...

Ernest Hemingway: “To die. Alone. In the rain.”
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 27, 2012, 11:10:18 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F61392_10151387829563465_1667361019_n.jpg&hash=d42f6904621b6fd1ebf8374bfb50bbe272f064b5)
Title: NAUGHTY JOKE
Post by: OldGit on November 27, 2012, 11:14:05 AM
DEFINITELY  NSFW! (http://i647.photobucket.com/albums/uu198/RamblingSyd/Ballet-1.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 27, 2012, 12:05:38 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.newsbiscuit.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F11%2F353-no-hosepipes.jpg&hash=ede4375cf8701314dd342a1cf8a740e264c824a9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 27, 2012, 01:20:04 PM
Found on facebook: awesome.

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/378834_10151337919642792_2008090456_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on November 27, 2012, 01:24:24 PM
Found on facebook: awesome.

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/378834_10151337919642792_2008090456_n.jpg)

Who you gonna' call?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 27, 2012, 01:37:11 PM


Who you gonna' call?

 :D great. Now I have the music in my head.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 27, 2012, 01:43:45 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/27998_507204569300923_1378397481_n.png)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on November 27, 2012, 03:07:43 PM
Found on facebook: awesome.

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/378834_10151337919642792_2008090456_n.jpg)

Who you gonna' call?

That has given me a fantastic idea!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on November 27, 2012, 03:13:33 PM
Found on facebook: awesome.

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/378834_10151337919642792_2008090456_n.jpg)

Who you gonna' call?

That has given me a fantastic idea!

Are you going to dress the scamp up as the statue of liberty and shoot a scene of her walking in NYC
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on November 27, 2012, 03:36:10 PM
Found on facebook: awesome.

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/378834_10151337919642792_2008090456_n.jpg)

Who you gonna' call?

That has given me a fantastic idea!

Are you going to dress the scamp up as the statue of liberty and shoot a scene of her walking in NYC

 Nope, but I do have the things to make a Godzilla costume! ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 28, 2012, 02:23:58 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FMonica2.jpg&hash=2905827c5399404d4495782eda94a89130806dc2)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 28, 2012, 02:48:00 PM
What you DON'T want to see when you're running a race:

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/558829_561573177205473_132854648_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on November 28, 2012, 02:51:53 PM
Where did you get that picture of me?  It's 15 years old, now.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on November 28, 2012, 02:53:17 PM
What you DON'T want to see when you're running a race:

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/558829_561573177205473_132854648_n.jpg)


I ran the London Marathon in April and it is the most humiliating thing to be overtaken by someone in a giant Rhino costume.  That guy would have probably overtaken me too!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 28, 2012, 04:55:45 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F600377_448491451881342_258556343_n.jpg&hash=1fc48906a44abfb35ce8f5bb6cc05b148fa23022)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 28, 2012, 05:00:33 PM
A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

 Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

 "Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on November 28, 2012, 09:24:16 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FyqpYx.jpg&hash=b8687d5ba8738ef9b13b0818ff4d0dba53b53c5d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on November 28, 2012, 09:55:56 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FyqpYx.jpg&hash=b8687d5ba8738ef9b13b0818ff4d0dba53b53c5d)

My head just exploded.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Genericguy on November 28, 2012, 10:07:09 PM
This is pretty funny! Gay men will marry your girlfriends unless you support gay marriage.

http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6846855/gay-men-will-marry-your-girlfriends (http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6846855/gay-men-will-marry-your-girlfriends)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on November 28, 2012, 10:42:33 PM
This is pretty funny! Gay men will marry your girlfriends unless you support gay marriage.

http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6846855/gay-men-will-marry-your-girlfriends (http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6846855/gay-men-will-marry-your-girlfriends)

Very funny! (and a little scary too)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 29, 2012, 04:47:12 PM
The best of Grumpy Cat aka Tard, Holiday Edition: http://littlewhitelion.com/the-best-of-grumpy-cat-holiday-edition-14348/
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on November 29, 2012, 04:54:21 PM
I love grumpy cat. I think I'll go around wishing everyone a grumpy holidays.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 30, 2012, 08:17:10 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F148753_505170446184472_173804139_n.jpg&hash=c4cf163671271375de91927deef8770ee6639691)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on November 30, 2012, 08:39:26 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F65078_376595605760802_1044646924_n.jpg&hash=5f9b0da7e6ffc0c160bb3d99b0d69fd78474dfc3)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on November 30, 2012, 10:57:06 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffarm9.staticflickr.com%2F8483%2F8232333888_73427b4caf_z.jpg&hash=ad13b2ea51d672cdb1e83e7e7b30ea37b26501a0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on November 30, 2012, 05:00:35 PM
A second grader's attempt at trying out a pick-up line:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.happyplace.com%2Fassets%2Fimages%2F2012%2F11%2F50b8d8d3b9d2a.jpeg&hash=def8ce56e7002ac91107ba4e77907fe90a59eddc)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on November 30, 2012, 05:10:12 PM
A second grader's attempt at trying out a pick-up line:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.happyplace.com%2Fassets%2Fimages%2F2012%2F11%2F50b8d8d3b9d2a.jpeg&hash=def8ce56e7002ac91107ba4e77907fe90a59eddc)

Awwww 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on November 30, 2012, 07:17:54 PM
A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end and didn't see them when they walked in. When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings. After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more. "The barman gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, "Why, do you order two drinks at a time?"

 The man replies, "Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife."

 Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, "Your wife? Where is she?"

 "She's standing here next to me."

 The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the edge of the bar, utters, "Well, I'll be God damned, she ain't any bigger than your fist!"

 The man replies, "No, but she's a lot better!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 01, 2012, 10:16:39 AM
Having read 50 Shades of Grey a Welsh guy persuades his girlfriend to try anal sex for the first time.
He says "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word twice and I'll stop."
She says "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 01, 2012, 10:17:40 AM
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 01, 2012, 10:42:00 AM
Having read 50 Shades of Grey a Welsh guy persuades his girlfriend to try anal sex for the first time.
He says "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word twice and I'll stop."
She says "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch."

hahahaha that's a good one!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 01, 2012, 03:38:49 PM
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

A guy I used to work with actually had that happen in D.C. The other guy's on the crew set up the 'date' and had a good laugh about it afterwards.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 01, 2012, 04:55:17 PM
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

A guy I used to work with actually had that happen in D.C. The other guy's on the crew set up the 'date' and had a good laugh about it afterwards.

Lol, wow. Did they set him up on just a date, or with a prostitute who turned out to be a guy?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 01, 2012, 05:01:22 PM
These are the top 10 Christian chat up lines:

Did it hurt? (Did what hurt?) When you fell from heaven?
   
Do you know the difference between making out and a sermon? (No?) Wanna go to church with me?
   
Have you ever tried praying at a drive in movie before?
 
If Eve was tempted by an apple than you must be my fruit.
 
God was just showing off when He made you.

Do you think "ask, and it shall be given you" is to be taken literally?

Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.

I don't speak in tongues, but I kiss that way!

[look at the person's shirt label] "Just as i thought ... made in heaven."

Are you religious? (Yes) Good, well I am the answer to your prayers.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 01, 2012, 09:34:10 PM
"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

A guy I used to work with actually had that happen in D.C. The other guy's on the crew set up the 'date' and had a good laugh about it afterwards.

Lol, wow. Did they set him up on just a date, or with a prostitute who turned out to be a guy?

She was a prostitute. He was the sort of guy who always complained that he never got laid, ( his phrase not mine ) so one night at a bar, everyone chipped in and found him a girl. They introduced him to her and gave him the keys to the van, and after the pair went outside the rest of the crew followed to listen in. For the first five minutes or so, everything went fine ( lots of satisfied moans and groans ) until everything stopped.

He was then heard to yell, "WHAT?! YOU GOT A GOD DAMN DICK!!!"
I wasn't there myself, but the reports I heard, both from the unlucky suitor and the rest of the crew were hilarious.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 02, 2012, 03:27:55 AM
 :D Ohhhh wow, yep, I imagine that was a surprise!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 02, 2012, 05:19:07 PM
From here:  www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html)

French miltary victories ??? Don't you mean French military defeats?

Quote

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French
history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in
history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates
The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when
not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when
fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway.
Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started
ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles
the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which
they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims
a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later
known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French
Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a
Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl
home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering
the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in
the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as
they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim
force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We
can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the
Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and
Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and
Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail
after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not
be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion.
All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there
when they need you."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 02, 2012, 07:30:17 PM
From here:  www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html)

French miltary victories ??? Don't you mean French military defeats?

Quote

- Gallic Wars
- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French
history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in
history, a Roman -ed.]

- Hundred Years War
- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates
The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when
not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

- Italian Wars
- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when
fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion
- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War
- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway.
Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started
ignoring her.

- War of Revolution
- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

- The Dutch War
- Tied

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War
- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles
the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

- War of the Spanish Succession
- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which
they have loved every since.

- American Revolution
- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims
a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later
known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French
Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution
- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars
- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a
Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War
- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl
home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I
- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering
the war late -ed.]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in
the French bloodline.

- World War II
- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as
they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina
- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion
- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim
force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We
can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the
Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and
Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism
- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and
Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail
after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not
be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion.
All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
Or, better still, the quote from last week's Wall Street Journal: "They're there
when they need you."

 ;D  My favourite line which I am going to use is....

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion.
All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 03, 2012, 09:56:47 AM
^^ That's excellent.  Vive la France!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 03, 2012, 11:05:00 AM
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 04, 2012, 09:12:04 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F189980_410485395688100_1577055392_n.jpg&hash=8c9ac84cb1780ebeb4c58940be864bb033c799ef)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 04, 2012, 09:22:46 AM
Sorry, I just couldn't resist this one  :D
















































































(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F558763_255454044580693_870322656_n.jpg&hash=2837a399d9d8f841ea7c7a22820b9e760179a3c7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 04, 2012, 09:26:17 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F556759_497384913616560_50178573_n.jpg&hash=6c34277a8c65a97c849d2871dfd1afbeda6f871e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 05, 2012, 09:50:07 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F1390_10200163762482028_450406412_n.jpg&hash=301f1962769376c17685d61e526a6cd9fddafd8e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 06, 2012, 05:20:52 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F1390_10200163762482028_450406412_n.jpg&hash=301f1962769376c17685d61e526a6cd9fddafd8e)

 :D I showed this one to a couple people, both of who started singing it with the new words. I love Tard.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 06, 2012, 05:24:23 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F556759_497384913616560_50178573_n.jpg&hash=6c34277a8c65a97c849d2871dfd1afbeda6f871e)

That is, without a doubt, the best set of Christmas lights I've ever seen. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 06, 2012, 05:41:52 AM
^^ That's excellent.  Vive la France!

If you like that here's a few more from the bottom of the page:
 www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html (http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/text/france.html)
 
Quote
With only an hour and a half of research, Jonathan Duczkowski provided the
following losses:

Norse invasions, 841-911.
After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a
French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in
return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive
military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.

Andrew Ouellette posts this in response:
1066 A.D. William The Conquerer Duke and Ruler of France Launches the
Largest Invasion in the history of the world no other was as large until the
same trip was taken in reverse on June 6th 1944 William Fights Harold for the
Throne of England Which old king Edward rightfully left to William but Harold
Usurped the throne Will fights the Saxons (English)wins and the French Rule
England for the Next 80 Years. then the French start the largest building and
economic infrastructure since the fall of the Roman Empire the Norman
Economy skyrockets and the Normans inadvertantly start England to become a
major world Power Vive La France-
   
Matt Davis posts this in response to Andrew Ouellette above:
Oh dear. We seem to have overlooked some basic facts. Firstly, Philip the First
(1060 - 1108) was King of France at the time of the Norman invasion of 1066 -
William was Duke of Normandy and, incidentally, directly descended from the
Vikings. William was, therefore, as alien to France as the experience of victory.
Since Philip did not invade England, the victory at Hastings was Norman - not
French. Normandy may be a part of France now but it most certainly wasn't in
1066. Therefore, William's coronation as King of England had nothing
whatsoever to do with the French. As usual, they were nowhere near the place
when the fighting was going on. The mistaken belief that 1066 was a French
victory leads to the Third Rule of French Warfare; "When incapable of any
victory whatsoever - claim someone else's".

Mexico, 1863-1864.
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its
thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not
surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion
(consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a
little over a year after arrival.

Panama jungles 1881-1890.
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the
U.S. 1904-1914.

Napoleonic Wars.
Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-
Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-
monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on
many occasions.

Haiti, 1791-1804.
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever.
Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally.

India, 1673-1813.
British were far more charming than French, ended up victors. Therefore the
British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er,
wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.
Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean.
France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their
asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.
French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at
sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of
Franco-American relations.

Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.
Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land,
French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the
modern day.


French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to
be fair):

1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.
When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was
"Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when
fighting unarmed men, women and children.

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.
Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

Third Crusade.
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion
Heart to finish.

Seventh Crusade.
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

[Eighth] Crusade.
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.


Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line,
sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter
France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with
their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium
(Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored
this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.

Thomas Whiteley has submitted this addition to me:

Seven year War 1756-1763
Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the
Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits.
War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive
at Plassey).
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 06, 2012, 05:42:21 AM
In response to the xmas lights: Lol, that's funny. I hope the twats next door didn't upend their garbage bins all over their front lawn in friendly response. ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 06, 2012, 10:31:40 AM
Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .....'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, sure I am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are yez from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, so I am.'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin '
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you leave?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I left in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I left Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, And orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are pissed again'.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 06, 2012, 04:32:30 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FYorks-apple.jpg&hash=1f05e7c931efe4375c2a35195fbebe838e921772)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 06, 2012, 05:10:05 PM
From someone on Facebook who is an EMT:

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/189223_200876506715969_1582287803_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 07, 2012, 02:26:19 AM
An old man was asked:
"At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get -Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered,
"Definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half an ounce of Jack Daniels, than to forget where you keep the bottle!!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: ExChristian on December 09, 2012, 08:34:02 PM
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 09, 2012, 08:57:03 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.huffpost.com%2Fgadgets%2Fslideshows%2F267197%2Fslide_267197_1830538_free.jpg%3F1354538884080&hash=c3f3fc2ef4fd029841bd8d0d6e5a1515c8a7ed8a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 09, 2012, 10:12:56 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.huffpost.com%2Fgadgets%2Fslideshows%2F267197%2Fslide_267197_1830538_free.jpg%3F1354538884080&hash=c3f3fc2ef4fd029841bd8d0d6e5a1515c8a7ed8a)

That can't be real.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on December 09, 2012, 10:59:39 PM
That can't be real.

Yeah I'm guessing it's a joke as it's signed by Levi Roots who makes Reggie Reggie Sauce and became well known due to Dragons Den.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 09, 2012, 11:36:04 PM
That can't be real.

Yeah I'm guessing it's a joke as it's signed by Levi Roots who makes Reggie Reggie Sauce and became well known due to Dragons Den.

I very much doubt it's real, although people from Brighton can be a little odd!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 10, 2012, 12:25:17 AM
That can't be real.

Yeah I'm guessing it's a joke as it's signed by Levi Roots who makes Reggie Reggie Sauce and became well known due to Dragons Den.

I had absolutely no idea who Levi Roots was until you said that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 10, 2012, 02:58:57 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F270105_10151268571346730_544549614_n.jpg&hash=7f2bd56b22a8f457bdba87794f4f2a68bc5c0dda)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 10, 2012, 05:50:26 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F270105_10151268571346730_544549614_n.jpg&hash=7f2bd56b22a8f457bdba87794f4f2a68bc5c0dda)

Lol! Saved this. My cat is always on the table and we're always telling her to get off of it. Now I know why!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 10, 2012, 07:50:03 PM
Oh, I see.  I hadn't noticed the cat.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 10, 2012, 07:54:31 PM
Oh, I see.  I hadn't noticed the cat.

You must be delighted to be at an age where you can ogle pretty young ladies and they'll mostly think it's harmless and cute. :D

My grandfather flirts shamelessly with every young lady he meets. I asked my grandma if it bothered her. "No," she said, "if they want to take him home and wash his underwear and smelly socks,  they can have him!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 10, 2012, 07:56:13 PM
A man after my own heart.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 10, 2012, 07:57:25 PM
NTOM (Non Threatening Older Male)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: original_gender on December 10, 2012, 10:30:15 PM
So uh, a priest, a pedophile and a rapist walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 11, 2012, 05:05:16 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/407542_307383029293320_1896707871_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 11, 2012, 10:02:39 AM
Quote from: original_gender
So uh, a priest, a pedophile and a rapist walks into a bar and orders a drink.

LOL!

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
 
The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 11, 2012, 01:53:46 PM
Quote from: original_gender
So uh, a priest, a pedophile and a rapist walks into a bar and orders a drink.

LOL!

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
 
The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.


Good one OG. I've never been married but have many friends who can attest to this fact.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 11, 2012, 04:56:29 PM
A little boy is sitting in the barber's chair and becoming anxious, so the barber gives him a tootsie roll to keep him quiet. As the barber trims his bangs, loose hair falls over his face. "Do you have hair on your goodie?" asks the barber. "Don't be silly, you old pervert! I'm only eight years old!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: En_Route on December 11, 2012, 05:01:58 PM
Quote from: original_gender
So uh, a priest, a pedophile and a rapist walks into a bar and orders a drink.

LOL!

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
 
The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.


Good one OG. I've never been married but have many friends who can attest to this fact.


They only say that to make you feel better. Take it from me. marriage is the passport to boundless sex
of accumulating ingenuity and kinkiness.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 11, 2012, 05:04:10 PM
Quote from: E_R
Take it from me. marriage is the passport to boundless sex of accumulating ingenuity and kinkiness.

Until the wife finds out.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 11, 2012, 05:19:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F556878_564875613539121_393675760_n.jpg&hash=4bd0f3d7b5c51ef9e3ea99d161ac0ecfb1e47389)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on December 11, 2012, 06:12:16 PM
It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.
 
The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Yep, that is true and it reminds me of the next joke.

Q: Which food hugely diminishes a woman's libido?
A: The wedding cake
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 11, 2012, 07:24:49 PM
^ LOL!

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 11, 2012, 08:22:49 PM
Merrily Inappropriate Christmas Decorations - NSFW!! (http://www.happyplace.com/12600/merrily-inapprorpriate-christmas-decorations)

Here's one of the tamer ones:

Look, perfect for baby-eating atheists: it's a pre-cut atheist-friendly baby tree out of your best dreams or worst nightmares, depending on who you are...

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.happyplace.com%2Fassets%2Fimages%2F2012%2F12%2F50c7685fa48ef.jpeg&hash=cabb8f47f40b2cdf81c9e3ba660acecb563efda2)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 11, 2012, 08:34:29 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F484145_254377771358290_542135373_n.jpg&hash=fc27db0dd9ae3e51546b0f6974ce2f2dab128172)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 11, 2012, 11:56:07 PM
Merrily Inappropriate Christmas Decorations - NSFW!! (http://www.happyplace.com/12600/merrily-inapprorpriate-christmas-decorations)

Here's one of the tamer ones:

Look, perfect for baby-eating atheists: it's a pre-cut atheist-friendly baby tree out of your best dreams or worst nightmares, depending on who you are...

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.happyplace.com%2Fassets%2Fimages%2F2012%2F12%2F50c7685fa48ef.jpeg&hash=cabb8f47f40b2cdf81c9e3ba660acecb563efda2)

It took me a second to realize what the last one was.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 11, 2012, 11:59:43 PM
If you mean the last picture on page 3, then it's funny that it took you a bit. :D

Isn't that sort of activity common over there? ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 12, 2012, 12:05:54 AM
If you mean the last picture on page 3, then it's funny that it took you a bit. :D

Isn't that sort of activity common over there? ;)

Hang on, there are three pages?! ...

Those were good, but I was talking about the last one on page one.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 12, 2012, 12:07:28 AM
Rofl! That makes what I said even funnier... Well, I'm sure THAT is common there too! ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 12, 2012, 12:09:51 AM
Rofl! That makes what I said even funnier... Well, I'm sure THAT is common there too! ;)

Not in the front yard it's not! ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 12, 2012, 12:15:22 AM
Rofl! That makes what I said even funnier... Well, I'm sure THAT is common there too! ;)

Not in the front yard it's not! ;)

 :D Oh great, let's hope nobody has an open view into their neighbour's back yard. ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: original_gender on December 12, 2012, 12:33:45 AM
Quote from: E_R
Take it from me. marriage is the passport to boundless sex of accumulating ingenuity and kinkiness.

Until the wife finds out.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fhuelsman.org%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F07%2Fcadecamp-ostridge.jpg&hash=1ef22680b2c8ade512fb627d75a3f066a07b5509)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 12, 2012, 03:41:12 PM
Found on Facebook:

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 12, 2012, 04:39:00 PM
^ Excellent!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 12, 2012, 04:41:46 PM
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on December 12, 2012, 04:50:40 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FEBwpl.jpg&hash=812e5c5f318faca9bc3fe81660df9a7dfc30708b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on December 12, 2012, 06:00:26 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FEBwpl.jpg&hash=812e5c5f318faca9bc3fe81660df9a7dfc30708b)

There cannot be enough wtfs to cover this pic. I mean... WTF?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on December 12, 2012, 06:22:01 PM
There cannot be enough wtfs to cover this pic. I mean... WTF?
That's why it's so obvious that the aliens were involved in the creation of this image, their WTF technology is far superior to our own.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 14, 2012, 05:11:25 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/399263_569754009720723_541700652_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 15, 2012, 08:55:37 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F192500_446249368773357_80068412_o.jpg&hash=43e088e1a7db606feaabea66f4c76dbd429db71a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 15, 2012, 09:00:27 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F32340_10151353991568255_293810849_n.jpg&hash=dc8fc0f53653567f08677534511a6d1cc130c86d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 15, 2012, 05:20:24 PM
Those are so cute, Tank! :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 16, 2012, 03:39:18 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F68617_311570908957968_1547122003_n.jpg&hash=ae99258d765937304c5f5cd213511b4b78424133)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 16, 2012, 11:25:10 PM
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 16, 2012, 11:33:00 PM
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.  ;D


Heh. I would have guessed BB King, Stephen King and Martin Luther King Jr, but I'm sure those other ones provide some people happiness. ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 16, 2012, 11:37:23 PM
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.  ;D


I'm not quite sure about the 'peace'!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 18, 2012, 09:31:09 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F16115_445202862200252_1826971318_n.jpg&hash=f665563c994382b7c8eca27697292717b3cb6515)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 18, 2012, 09:32:15 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F14627_337940756313460_1248454011_n.jpg&hash=a176ea2ec8d5117ddaa4d542bd9ce5da488b485f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 18, 2012, 09:46:20 PM
LOL Tank, the coma/chamelion and the mouse stirring ones are cute. :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 18, 2012, 10:23:10 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F65065_570605946288039_384935332_n.jpg&hash=5b5096138662b36070cf17e28c44dbeb0c1314b9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 18, 2012, 10:29:47 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F65065_570605946288039_384935332_n.jpg&hash=5b5096138662b36070cf17e28c44dbeb0c1314b9)

If only  :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 18, 2012, 10:34:14 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F65065_570605946288039_384935332_n.jpg&hash=5b5096138662b36070cf17e28c44dbeb0c1314b9)

If only  :)

It happens mor often than you would think!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 18, 2012, 11:17:21 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F377079_337516876277772_219279968_n.jpg&hash=6f0673c28b4a3eeecc06a961bf1fd4b385431b14)

The French reads "for assimilation in French, please press/select #2".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 18, 2012, 11:49:56 PM
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 18, 2012, 11:53:19 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F377079_337516876277772_219279968_n.jpg&hash=6f0673c28b4a3eeecc06a961bf1fd4b385431b14)

The French reads "for assimilation in French, please press/select #2".

I see, eh.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on December 18, 2012, 11:59:47 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F377079_337516876277772_219279968_n.jpg&hash=6f0673c28b4a3eeecc06a961bf1fd4b385431b14)

The French reads "for assimilation in French, please press/select #2".

That looks minecraftable.  8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 19, 2012, 11:38:04 AM
My Blackberry Is Not Working! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 19, 2012, 11:44:28 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F525091_549618788401397_1162015146_n.jpg&hash=d7f80593532fa0113758e61ca69cd692d319c752)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 19, 2012, 04:56:21 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F525091_549618788401397_1162015146_n.jpg&hash=d7f80593532fa0113758e61ca69cd692d319c752)

Tard Vader?

(love the blackberry one too...)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 19, 2012, 05:01:27 PM
My Blackberry Is Not Working! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI)

That's a good one!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on December 19, 2012, 05:20:38 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F994uZ.jpg%3F1&hash=ce1d3b45cd32c8bf421e5d677398f0495b15e8d7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 19, 2012, 05:29:54 PM
My Blackberry Is Not Working! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAG39jKi0lI)

It's good but just not the same without Ronnie Barker.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on December 19, 2012, 05:34:52 PM
http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1 (http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1)
lol, that was one of my favourite parts of the new series, but also so much that wasn't resolved.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on December 19, 2012, 05:42:45 PM
http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1 (http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1)
lol, that was one of my favourite parts of the new series, but also so much that wasn't resolved.

I liked Donna. She wasn't afraid to call the doctor out on his stupidity.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 19, 2012, 05:43:51 PM
http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1 (http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1)
lol, that was one of my favourite parts of the new series, but also so much that wasn't resolved.

You guys are way behind if that's your new series..... the things I could say :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on December 19, 2012, 05:51:38 PM
http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1 (http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1)
lol, that was one of my favourite parts of the new series, but also so much that wasn't resolved.

You guys are way behind if that's your new series..... the things I could say :)

I'm on series five, but I don't like the eleventh Doctor as much as I like ten.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on December 19, 2012, 05:53:43 PM
http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1 (http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1)
lol, that was one of my favourite parts of the new series, but also so much that wasn't resolved.

You guys are way behind if that's your new series..... the things I could say :)

I'm on series five, but I don't like the eleventh Doctor as much as I like ten.
I call those seasons, but there was a decent break between the current six seasons and the classic series, so I tend to call the Eccleston season and on the new series.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 19, 2012, 05:54:35 PM
http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1 (http://i.imgur.com/994uZ.jpg?1)
lol, that was one of my favourite parts of the new series, but also so much that wasn't resolved.

You guys are way behind if that's your new series..... the things I could say :)

I'm on series five, but I don't like the eleventh Doctor as much as I like ten.

We're half way through series 7 here.  Matt Smith gets a lot better so stick with him :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on December 19, 2012, 06:05:53 PM
We're half way through series 7 here.  Matt Smith gets a lot better so stick with him :)

Netflix only has until series 6. I'll have to figure out where to get the 7th series when I finish.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on December 19, 2012, 06:55:49 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi150.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fs94%2FMeconopsis%2F_00aeffd.jpg&hash=0c5d6547a8e8fd85263f5b8342bd415418f96d40)
Joke's on you, that was your computer.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on December 20, 2012, 09:32:16 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F7UVpD.jpg&hash=1903d2b051573fc50d200c28c4309eb75ce4eeda)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 21, 2012, 12:39:01 AM
Lol :)
Cute. It may be a bit off, though. It tends to look like...
You have cancer, the government will help you pay for treatments.
This other guy has cancer too. His is worse than yours.
You both need the same surgery, so you're on a waiting list. Here's a beeper.
Ok, 3 months later, you're out of surgery... And you're in a 4-bed room with no privacy, but smile! The government paid for this ward bed.
Oh, and did we mention you're going home tomorrow?
No, you're not better yet. We just need your bed.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 21, 2012, 01:05:20 AM
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked,"How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on December 21, 2012, 02:12:32 AM
Lol :)
Cute. It may be a bit off, though. It tends to look like...
You have cancer, the government will help you pay for treatments.
This other guy has cancer too. His is worse than yours.
You both need the same surgery, so you're on a waiting list. Here's a beeper.
Ok, 3 months later, you're out of surgery... And you're in a 4-bed room with no privacy, but smile! The government paid for this ward bed.
Oh, and did we mention you're going home tomorrow?
No, you're not better yet. We just need your bed.

Yeah but even if all that did happen Walter White wouldn't have gone on his meth cooking adventure, therefore no Breaking Bad.
*mini rant* Whoever decided to break seasons into two parts should be hung drawn and quartered.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 21, 2012, 10:08:22 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F60050_570134573011974_247217700_n.jpg&hash=4a36d29203e6b5ae2a4ee4994b43fd5f4486231e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 21, 2012, 10:11:36 AM
Q.  Why is the camel known as the "ship of the desert"?

A.  Because it's full of Arab semen.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 21, 2012, 10:13:44 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F45035_516621788358837_216337079_n.jpg&hash=a06db5884bd7f3a666f4b79aca333b4e4e204898)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on December 21, 2012, 08:06:23 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F45035_516621788358837_216337079_n.jpg&hash=a06db5884bd7f3a666f4b79aca333b4e4e204898)

... Funny!  Reminded me of the Blackadder scene with Baldrick and his turnip-shaped-thingy...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on December 21, 2012, 09:09:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FH1hGW.jpg&hash=cb6be8215ee4483f4eb95064762960ccc3190f6e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on December 21, 2012, 11:00:29 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FH1hGW.jpg&hash=cb6be8215ee4483f4eb95064762960ccc3190f6e)

LMAO!!! This is very cyanide and happiness esque.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 23, 2012, 09:48:45 AM
Many a true word is spoken in jest!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F61962_10151258376998718_2109191889_n.jpg&hash=2ae0d75d1a7b3febfbb9682845f2e5785642eb39)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 23, 2012, 09:51:39 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F25020_440189856036545_1798453376_n.jpg&hash=09fb5b454cdb9a0e7f18b14e3b9841236409d9dc)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 24, 2012, 10:23:43 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F15787_383574908401012_1816521378_n.png&hash=66425ba84778821ac975ca425783a2e5e0d7d5b2)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 24, 2012, 10:30:33 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F281660_10151420798310485_1547733655_n.jpg&hash=78a82a79cf0fc1ef8c530432192280d916ace630)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on December 24, 2012, 01:17:33 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F25020_440189856036545_1798453376_n.jpg&hash=09fb5b454cdb9a0e7f18b14e3b9841236409d9dc)

This reminds me of one I heard a few years ago:

A cowboy is captured by Indians while he's out on the range and brought back to their camp. They take him into the chief's tent where he is infomed that he will be granted one wish each day for three days. After his final wish is granted, he will be staked out and a small campfire will be lit on his belly, so his death will be as painful as possible. The chief then asks what his first wish is.

"I'd like to see my horse replied the cowboy," so they take him outside where he whispers something in the horse's ear.

The horse gallops off into the distance and returns some hous later carrying a beautiful, naked blonde woman who hops off and runs into the cowboy's tent. Seeing this the chief can only shake his head at the captives stupidity.

The next morning, the chief again summons the cowboy and asks what his next wish will be. Again the cowboy asks to see his horse and again he whispers in it's ear before the horse takes off into the distance. Some hous later, the horse returns carrying a beautiful naked brunette who dashes into the cowboys tent. For the second time in two days the chief can only shake his head at the stupidity.

The next morning, the chief summons the cowboy for his final wish before his death and again the cowboy asks to see his horse. He is taken outside and whispers into the horse's ear, but just as the horse is about to run off he grabs it by the neck and loudly yells this time.

"I SAID POSSE, THAT'S P-O-S-S-E!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 26, 2012, 07:14:13 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F218126_461341353929685_2099004670_n.jpg&hash=9460e6c922827593d8ec927d4a302f06a033463f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 28, 2012, 08:12:59 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/293985_454612084585828_157653892_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on December 28, 2012, 08:23:44 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/293985_454612084585828_157653892_n.jpg)
SNOW?? :o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on December 28, 2012, 08:32:02 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/293985_454612084585828_157653892_n.jpg)
SNOW?? :o

Indeed!

Where that was taken, or the circumstances, I don't know. It could have been packed around the door on purpose for a joke (I sure as hell hope that's the case); the alternative is that there was some kind of freaky avalanche, or that could be somewhere in Quebec, the Maritimes, or Nunavut easily enough!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 28, 2012, 10:24:18 AM
Dear Staff,
 
Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
 
Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that — prior to shining his/her glory all around — s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
 
Following last year’s well publicized case, everyone is advised that EEOC legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offense.
 
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practiced in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act.  Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.
 
Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
 
    Merry Christmas,
 
    Risk Management Department
 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: william on December 28, 2012, 01:38:21 PM
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? Used to lay awake all night wondering there`s a dog.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on December 28, 2012, 01:39:22 PM
^ Excellent!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on December 28, 2012, 11:19:05 PM
Your risk management entry was also excellent Git.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 30, 2012, 07:55:42 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F3796_475112822525877_1143994955_n.jpg&hash=a0f46b7d4910c7f321cf3350c8a8d9a7e5bbd2b0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 30, 2012, 11:25:37 AM
Where the White Man went wrong

Indian chief Two Eagles was asked by a white US Congressman "You have observed the white man for 70 years. You've seen his wars, his technological advances. You've seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The Congressman continued " In your opinion, where did we go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the Congressman for a moment, then replied " When white man came to this land, Indians running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty bever, clean water. Women do all house work, medicine man free. Indian men spend all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
The Cief leaned back with his pipe and said "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve this system."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 30, 2012, 04:22:24 PM
Stole that from that Facebook pic, yes?  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on December 30, 2012, 10:25:15 PM
i had heard it before, but it did remind me.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 31, 2012, 12:36:42 AM
The browser wars reminded me to share... It's a sort of dry nerd humor, but still, true story.

...So there sit Asmo and His Minions, making a run-of-the-mill personal website for a person we will call Fridtjof. The site is all done and packaged and delivered to him and the bill sent and paid. Now, Fridtjof also paid for 6 months limited support. Most people call pretty much the same day as the product gets delivered with some wishes and wants and how-to questions. Fridtjof, he didn't write, he didn't call... Nothing. So, we forgot all about him. One saturday, my phone rang with that annoying work-ringtone (Call forwarding), and what do you know, there was Fridtjof! Complaining.

Apparently, his friend or uncle or whatever could not see the page. "Ok... Is your server up and running", I asked. "Eh..?" "The ser... Ahh, forget it. Do YOU see your page?" "Yep. Is perfectly fine here". "Is there a problem with the other person's network connection?" "Nope. Don't think so" "Is there an error message?" "No, he gets some Hosted By-message" "Oooh-kay, are you viewing your site from the files I sent or the www?" "Uh... There is this file... This link-file..." "...Right, so where on your server did you upload the files I sent you..? You DID upload them, right?" "...Silence" "...Sigh" "Was I supposed to?" "oO(Dumbass!) Yes."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on December 31, 2012, 08:38:03 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F417981_518213331542343_1262952330_n.jpg&hash=63688801f16d5affd4f7001060a6be34c890c789)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on December 31, 2012, 01:28:12 PM
On a similar theme....

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fweknowmemes.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F10%2Ftheyre-equals-they-fucking-are.jpg&hash=d46e9781d934b2183620767d4547966aedab7877)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on December 31, 2012, 03:14:45 PM
Lke that one! "Could of" is just annoying. How can people be that illiterate? HUH?! HOW?!  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on January 01, 2013, 03:11:07 AM
That grammar list needs to be a shirt. Is it a shirt? I get so fumed when people use 'their' and 'there' incorrectly. HOW DO YOU MESS THAT UP?!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 03, 2013, 12:06:44 PM
Posessive its only appeared around Shakespeare's time; before that, the correct possessive of it was his.  Saved a lot of trouble, why did we change it?

... if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted?  (KJV, Matthew 5:13)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 03, 2013, 02:09:49 PM
My wife being the romantic sort, just sent me a beautiful text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.  If you are laughing, send me your smile.  If you are eating, send me a bite.  If you are drinking, send me a sip.  If you are crying, send me your tears.  I love you xxx."

I replied...

"I’m taking a shit,  Dear, what should I do?"

Ah, the old ones are the best.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 03, 2013, 05:11:02 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F430885_427768923962914_1697336818_n.jpg&hash=17e8ccf2e3dccb36a21bf971de2adb3190fce8ca)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on January 03, 2013, 05:20:08 PM
That last one is a gasser OG.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 03, 2013, 05:22:04 PM
Quote from: Icarus
That last one is a gasser OG.  ;D

Kind of you to say so, Icarus, but a very old gasser.  ;D

I like Tank's last one, too.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 03, 2013, 11:50:58 PM
One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you fucking wanker!" later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do." the priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?" she said "No, doesn't the church look down on that?" the priest says "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception." The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says "Well, gimme some fucking waffles." The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door. shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. his mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on January 04, 2013, 12:13:56 AM
Hah!  No waffles for me either, thank you...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 04, 2013, 10:05:02 AM
^^ Heh, heh!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on January 04, 2013, 10:12:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FoFnOA.jpg%3F1&hash=38d350d7c1b6f8f5e6c816494aa256d8b754fc0e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on January 05, 2013, 05:14:50 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/400113_465200950204997_495529494_n.jpg)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 08, 2013, 09:35:30 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F734974_420887291318887_816934797_n.jpg&hash=45583603308d945170ff090971afe72e038caf5b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on January 08, 2013, 01:10:55 PM
I feel terrible for laughing at that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 08, 2013, 01:12:51 PM
I don't.  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 08, 2013, 01:34:03 PM
And The Asmo, He laughs at some random fool's misfortune.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on January 09, 2013, 12:10:55 AM
The Superman/Doctor Who one is so perfect. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 10, 2013, 08:23:31 AM
Well I thought it was funny  ;D

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F72814_405088696240495_250245972_n.jpg&hash=dcd90016afe2ca2d39c47ae7c360a1ce51c6ca0a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on January 10, 2013, 08:31:26 AM
Is that Pudding in the kayak???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 10, 2013, 08:37:30 AM
Is that Pudding in the kayak???
No it's the main course.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 10, 2013, 08:49:24 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F303617_270261156433787_1146918908_n.jpg&hash=c5a498c1a4e4e6185d4ea075235fe4b5ab803de4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 10, 2013, 08:51:19 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F406074_346691852104930_1605363210_n.jpg&hash=65dc51532f720aff7d172a0dad25cfa78b200b57)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 10, 2013, 11:10:59 AM
Quote from: Tank
Quote from: Claire
Is that Pudding in the kayak???
No it's the main course.

Brilliant!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 10, 2013, 11:12:41 AM
An elderly couple, Lucy & John, were in church.

About halfway through the service, Lucy took a pen and paper out of her purse, wrote a note and handed it to John .

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

John scribbled back, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 10, 2013, 05:49:30 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fchuckleaduck.com%2Fcomics%2F2013-01-10CAD328Gays.jpg&hash=3d9f0d4c6bf9dcffa057f6e0256a84a32cadec2e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 10, 2013, 10:42:06 PM
^^^  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on January 11, 2013, 12:38:15 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fchuckleaduck.com%2Fcomics%2F2013-01-10CAD328Gays.jpg&hash=3d9f0d4c6bf9dcffa057f6e0256a84a32cadec2e)

:D Good one.

If it were true, I'd expect lightning to regularly hit Fred Phelps, Pat Robertson, etc etc.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 11, 2013, 01:11:19 AM
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"

 "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?' To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 11, 2013, 10:56:09 AM
^ Excellent!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 11, 2013, 02:41:49 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F735240_433531643387550_384933329_n.jpg&hash=be5eb4c6ae49a90c51be928121acaad353f3bb6d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on January 11, 2013, 02:49:51 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F735240_433531643387550_384933329_n.jpg&hash=be5eb4c6ae49a90c51be928121acaad353f3bb6d)

Oooh, new prank idea!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on January 11, 2013, 03:28:47 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTHdnx.jpg&hash=c7f132e726883af8578ee41e365773e64846e209)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 14, 2013, 01:16:28 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F16569_493155037417240_1171051015_n.jpg&hash=0754ed7c13b09873fb1a92139be2235ed61b6539)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on January 14, 2013, 03:36:41 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FnH5In.jpg&hash=5560ec17eccd2afbbd29d53e3ac8ba608d06cdf0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on January 14, 2013, 04:13:02 PM
+20 to Tank and BudHorse!

(I LOLed!)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on January 14, 2013, 05:29:54 PM
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/32144_489241281128081_1069762015_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 14, 2013, 05:31:21 PM
Bodybuilding. Meinkraft is about bodybuilding.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on January 14, 2013, 06:59:10 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F16569_493155037417240_1171051015_n.jpg&hash=0754ed7c13b09873fb1a92139be2235ed61b6539)

*groans*
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 15, 2013, 09:58:43 PM
You're not going to l like this...



























































Don't blame me...







































You have been warned...













































(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F398082_10151336934236730_2025537936_n.jpg&hash=12332c62f0b82e4d27c5249f68a0d1f61ca5f56f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on January 15, 2013, 10:28:13 PM
^^^ That's an Aubrey-Maturin joke!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on January 16, 2013, 12:07:59 AM
If a man says something in the woods, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?   ;D

Hey ladies, dont get sore, it really is just a joke.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on January 16, 2013, 12:26:14 AM
If a man says something in the woods, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?   ;D

Hey ladies, dont get sore, it really is just a joke.


May I incur the wrath of the goddess with a follow up?

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg8.joyreactor.com%2Fpics%2Fpost%2Fwomen-understanding-advice-537038.jpeg&hash=ec4102fd71fd0885959816415f1e5c39f20a8391)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 16, 2013, 12:30:53 AM
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

 Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

 Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
 attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
 He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on January 16, 2013, 01:53:39 AM
 :D Good one, G85!

Here's another with birds...

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/550948_530466790308034_212595537_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 16, 2013, 08:49:55 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F74928_10151235522573506_92260331_n.jpg&hash=f4a162c94ce9de1a633817fea4fda5dd7226fd04)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 18, 2013, 09:28:28 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F150089_527063957323947_909790918_n.jpg&hash=e17632049f043fd5378b8a979d355823d41f6b56)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 18, 2013, 10:10:33 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F184565_10152058509560400_428943976_n.jpg&hash=7df15625709b8f2fc842c0bbeb3648f99a0bdb99)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 18, 2013, 04:00:37 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F184565_10152058509560400_428943976_n.jpg&hash=7df15625709b8f2fc842c0bbeb3648f99a0bdb99)
Just like one of The Asmo's corporate meetings.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on January 19, 2013, 04:30:20 AM
George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Reta," he said, "What would you like for your birthday?"

His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."

George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.

As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"

Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I had a great day.... but I meant my dress size!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on January 19, 2013, 04:37:20 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/72813_526810357353226_744082782_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 19, 2013, 02:49:55 PM
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

 After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

 Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

 "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

 Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

 The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

 The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

 The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 19, 2013, 06:17:34 PM
^ LOL
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on January 21, 2013, 04:35:16 AM
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

The wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."

The husband replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

The wife asks, “Could you please fix the steps to the front door then? They're about to break."

"I’m not a damn carpenter, and I don't want to fix steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this! I'm going to the bar."

So he goes to the bar, has a few drinks, and starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife. So he decides to go home and help out.

As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are fixed. Inside, the hall light is working and the fridge door is fixed.

"Honey," he asks, "How did all this get fixed?"

His wife said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake."

"So what kind of cake did you bake him"? asked her husband.

"Hello! Does it look like I have Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on January 22, 2013, 12:42:43 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/72834_472538912804534_1712530960_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on January 22, 2013, 11:21:47 PM
What the hell I thought it was a pretty good good joke.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on January 22, 2013, 11:42:47 PM
What the hell I thought it was a pretty good good joke.

That was funny, but I want to play paint-ball in the Vatican, not laser tag. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 23, 2013, 06:11:12 PM
What the hell I thought it was a pretty good good joke.

That was funny, but I want to play paint-ball in the Vatican, not laser tag. ;D
No.... The artwork may be religious in origin, but it is still exquisite. Let's not destroy it with random dots of paint.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on January 24, 2013, 07:41:34 AM
What the hell I thought it was a pretty good good joke.

That was funny, but I want to play paint-ball in the Vatican, not laser tag. ;D
No.... The artwork may be religious in origin, but it is still exquisite. Let's not destroy it with random dots of paint.

We can hang tarps then. Would that satisfy you?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 24, 2013, 06:31:09 PM
Sure! Have at it, Hoss.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on January 24, 2013, 06:47:48 PM
What the hell I thought it was a pretty good good joke.

That was funny, but I want to play paint-ball in the Vatican, not laser tag. ;D
No.... The artwork may be religious in origin, but it is still exquisite. Let's not destroy it with random dots of paint.

I say let it interact with culture even if that is destructive in nature, the interaction between people and art is just as important as the art itself if not more.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on January 24, 2013, 06:55:50 PM
What the hell I thought it was a pretty good good joke.

That was funny, but I want to play paint-ball in the Vatican, not laser tag. ;D
No.... The artwork may be religious in origin, but it is still exquisite. Let's not destroy it with random dots of paint.

I say let it interact with culture even if that is destructive in nature, the interaction between people and art is just as important as the art itself if not more.

I like the way you think Crow.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on January 24, 2013, 11:58:45 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mediafire.com%2Fconv%2F59c3deb947cdcca15f3127aa601453a68f9f5e4d1ad8df9ef4f2a45e95f5d2744g.jpg&hash=6cd01be709f19082c17d25c2e91bea59bffbe17a) (http://www.mediafire.com/view/?9chp8861z82mv6g)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 25, 2013, 04:00:35 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F408193_461098163957839_491618291_n.png&hash=63824da5fb47f410b8618648dd6cff836f73f45d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on January 25, 2013, 04:45:56 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F408193_461098163957839_491618291_n.png&hash=63824da5fb47f410b8618648dd6cff836f73f45d)

 :D If I were getting into witchcraft, this is totally how I'd go about starting! I love that kitty.  ;D

Here are the cat's slightly evil companions:

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/428134_477143649014891_436762232_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 25, 2013, 10:30:59 AM
A group of mates all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Final it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Birmingham because the waitresses had big tits & wore mini skirts.
 
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they  should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Birmingham because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.
 
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Birmingham   because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.
 
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Birmingham because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a lift for the disabled.
 
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Birmingham because they had never been there before but someone had told them that the waitresses had big tits!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 25, 2013, 11:28:50 AM
This is soooo good!!!



















































(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F484819_476123575784796_1901261707_n.jpg&hash=fb4e163c79b704b917302f940d3fadce94d2a46a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 26, 2013, 07:36:35 AM
This was posted on facebook by a friend of mine who was an X-ray tech  ;D

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F75056_470236633037286_1007961673_n.jpg&hash=f21d59468f4f3b1085f8bd179abb625537918c81)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 26, 2013, 10:35:39 AM
A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications  all look good, but there is an attitude  suiitability test that you must take before you can be accepted
Sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants,  six drug dealers,  six Muslim extremists and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: En_Route on January 29, 2013, 12:33:45 AM
Two Irishmen are looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says " Bejasus, would you look at these gorgeous women! And the prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one of them right now"
Three weeks later, Paddy meets Mick and asks him "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 29, 2013, 09:42:30 AM
A man walked out onto the street and caught a taxi just going by.He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No-one could ever measure up to Brian."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."
 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on January 29, 2013, 04:56:52 PM
^^^ Good one!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on January 30, 2013, 09:49:32 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F528888_291705974286240_2082089988_n.jpg&hash=424c4d4e9024b03cef57bf9649a1e5f6a1da5370)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on January 30, 2013, 10:52:52 AM
^ Excellent!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on January 30, 2013, 12:11:44 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F528888_291705974286240_2082089988_n.jpg&hash=424c4d4e9024b03cef57bf9649a1e5f6a1da5370)

Brilliant!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 30, 2013, 03:00:02 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F528888_291705974286240_2082089988_n.jpg&hash=424c4d4e9024b03cef57bf9649a1e5f6a1da5370)
Sorry, friends. That one is a very Norwegian registration number. ZH 46505 is a Tromsø plate, it is. Apparently, the vehicle it belonged to has been scrapped or unregistered.

On a spearate note, I had one of those and that there is easier than replacing the heater radiator, which is prone to clogging up, leaking and doing all sorts of nastiness in some of those cars.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on January 30, 2013, 08:13:37 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FteYY8R9.png&hash=83256999c0d4c661f142e656003f854717416f33)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on January 30, 2013, 10:04:23 PM
I don't get it... Well, except for the suicide bomber who apparently decided his car was far too nice to die with him.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on January 31, 2013, 02:42:54 AM
This one reminded me of DeterminedJuliet.  :D

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/c0.0.403.403/p403x403/735181_595621543800636_8267043_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on January 31, 2013, 07:30:07 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F7Jj3UAJ.jpg&hash=dd6fa0dacd400dbb55e6090cc5a43e2c16083309)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on February 01, 2013, 09:02:32 AM
HAHAHA The wine joke killed me. :D

I didn't get the islam one... ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on February 01, 2013, 03:14:39 PM
I dunno, the Islam one I find funny because of the polarity of the different meanings of the term "radical." In my youths, radical was like doing something extreme and cool, but when attached to Islam, it tends to mean "terrorists", but I still have a lingering image hanging around from using "radical" as a kid, so sometimes the images get mixed into Muslims doing the "radical" things that I used to call "radical" when people say "radical Islam."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on February 01, 2013, 07:44:00 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F9p3B2bG.jpg&hash=3d064fe41b3166b92ba01ca20ebd0a4725f28d2b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 01, 2013, 08:09:41 PM
A couple goes on a vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Alberta. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day Ma'am," and he left...

MORAL OF THE STORY :
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can think also.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on February 01, 2013, 08:25:55 PM
Haha, the OCD one is pretty amusing.


(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F24.media.tumblr.com%2F1ed3712f2939597069c2776c091df239%2Ftumblr_mhek9xhIia1ql2603o1_500.jpg&hash=c23cadaa779ad3ed53e627a149dc96bdb11ca15b)


:< :<! I hope this isn't real. *sobbing* I.Q SCREENING BEFORE BREEDING should be a motto we can apply to everyone.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 01, 2013, 08:59:50 PM
I can practically see the kid being bullied into suicide before finishing kindergarten
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 01, 2013, 09:10:42 PM
I can practically see the kid being bullied into suicide before finishing kindergarten

Well, thankfully most kindergarteners wouldn't know what the word meant - and maybe not most young grade schoolers. By the kid got to 6th or 7th grade though, they'd be doomed!

Then again, celebrities have named their kids all kinds of odd things - Moonbeam, Camera, Puma, Blue Ivy, Kal-el (that one's Nick Cage's kid, and Superman's birth name if my source is correct, ha), Banjo, and perhaps my 'favourite' - Penn Jillette's daughter, Moxie Crime-Fighter.

http://www.infoplease.com/spot/celebrity-baby-names.html - some of these are good for a chuckle, as this is the joke thread!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on February 01, 2013, 09:12:45 PM
I can practically see the kid being bullied into suicide before finishing kindergarten

Well, thankfully most kindergarteners wouldn't know what the word meant - and maybe not most young grade schoolers. By the kid got to 6th or 7th grade though, they'd be doomed!

Then again, celebrities have named their kids all kinds of odd things - Moonbeam, Camera, Puma, Blue Ivy, Kal-el (that one's Nick Cage's kid, and Superman's birth name if my source is correct, ha), Banjo, and perhaps my 'favourite' - Penn Jillette's daughter, Moxie Crime-Fighter.

http://www.infoplease.com/spot/celebrity-baby-names.html - some of these are good for a chuckle, as this is the joke thread!

The host of The Youg Turks named his son Prometheus Maximus. That's my all time favorite.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on February 01, 2013, 10:14:52 PM
 :o :o wow... what...

I...dont understand people. *slinks back into the darkness of my bedroom*
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 02, 2013, 02:34:16 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/539234_10151505409713465_1519523488_n.jpg)

Unfortunately, math will still want to know "Y?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on February 02, 2013, 04:18:12 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/539234_10151505409713465_1519523488_n.jpg)

Unfortunately, math will still want to know "Y?"

:D There's nothing like a good math joke!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on February 02, 2013, 08:03:19 AM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/539234_10151505409713465_1519523488_n.jpg)

Unfortunately, math will still want to know "Y?"

LOL! I'm telling this one to Mimi! :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 03, 2013, 09:39:08 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F550259_499148130135618_480184031_n.jpg&hash=02b17e1b41ae344c9d4e0914acc7e7193550a6e4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 03, 2013, 01:18:24 PM
A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 03, 2013, 05:00:52 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F408409_448659541874760_2126097049_n.jpg&hash=bb4dcdfb3abe2aed381a83c9f5ce6aa74e8e7257)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 03, 2013, 05:02:25 PM
I don't get it. Is there a hint of a reason in that pic?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on February 03, 2013, 05:08:51 PM
I don't get it. Is there a hint of a reason in that pic?  ???

Ok, good, it's not just me.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 03, 2013, 05:11:07 PM
I don't get it. Is there a hint of a reason in that pic?  ???

Ok, good, it's not just me.

Cat + Cardboard Box = Immovable Object
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on February 03, 2013, 05:13:00 PM
I don't get it. Is there a hint of a reason in that pic?  ???

Ok, good, it's not just me.

Cat + Cardboard Box = Immovable Object

...?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on February 03, 2013, 05:15:06 PM
I don't get it. Is there a hint of a reason in that pic?  ???

Ok, good, it's not just me.

Cat + Cardboard Box = Immovable Object

...?

Cats don't listen to humans!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on February 03, 2013, 05:21:33 PM
I don't get it. Is there a hint of a reason in that pic?  ???

Ok, good, it's not just me.

Cat + Cardboard Box = Immovable Object

...?

Cats don't listen to humans!

...so sayeth a tamer of lions??
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on February 03, 2013, 05:56:16 PM
I don't get it. Is there a hint of a reason in that pic?  ???

Ok, good, it's not just me.

Cat + Cardboard Box = Immovable Object

...?

Cats don't listen to humans!

...so sayeth a tamer of lions??

 :D I didn't claim to be any good at taming lions!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 03, 2013, 05:57:37 PM
Dogs don't run because someone says "run", do they? They run because they are starving and there be a promise of a rabbit, no?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 03, 2013, 06:49:15 PM
Dogs don't run because someone says "run", do they? They run because they are starving and there be a promise of a rabbit, no?  ???

Or a stick to fetch, or a ball to catch, or a kid on a bike to chase, or leaves to jump through... Dogs run for all kinds of reasons and they race each other playfully. It's cute to watch! You throw a stick, they race to see who gets the stick first. :D You throw a toy for 2 cats, they look at you like "go get it yourself" and they go to sleep. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 03, 2013, 07:13:37 PM
What sort of lazy-ass cats have you surrounded yourself with? The last cat we had was only too happy to chase a ping pong ball on a string. I'm almost sure that if one trained and starved the cats sudfficiently, one could race them effectively. They are kind of small though... Maybe that's why they don't do it
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 03, 2013, 07:31:17 PM
What sort of lazy-ass cats have you surrounded yourself with? The last cat we had was only too happy to chase a ping pong ball on a string. I'm almost sure that if one trained and starved the cats sudfficiently, one could race them effectively. They are kind of small though... Maybe that's why they don't do it

:D My cat is pretty lazy. But she runs around like a herd of turtles (clomp clomp thump) on her own strange little whims.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 04, 2013, 11:52:49 AM
Moving on


(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F247667_388601421212998_621036211_n.jpg&hash=87b76a16b5c539f85d27d428e5ae7fae38639fda)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 04, 2013, 12:03:35 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F538979_478775865492627_1139757514_n.jpg&hash=9b2813abf2480c4f4b0de378cbe364417a445e82)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 04, 2013, 05:22:33 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F11327_507881659277911_1792851393_n.jpg&hash=b9c3dfe34201bf232d200d2ae84b62728b30fe26)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 05, 2013, 07:00:48 AM
Two antennas meet on a roof and fall in love. The wedding wasn't much but the reception was excellent.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg710.imageshack.us%2Fimg710%2F9922%2Frimshot.gif&hash=77d5ac078a921ed7ff6be629eed7a4f2ac98bb10)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 05, 2013, 02:03:13 PM
^^ Ow!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 05, 2013, 02:17:41 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-lt0.pinterest.com%2F550%2F8d%2Fed%2Ff0%2F8dedf0535fc614930906d473b36347ea.jpg&hash=bcfd50d533435d85f26f86cf580be392d9c89277)

I am always up for some Canadian humor.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on February 05, 2013, 06:25:17 PM
Q: What does a model train set and a woman's breast have in common?
A: They are intended for the kids, but it is daddy who plays with them.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 05, 2013, 06:29:33 PM
^ LOL!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 05, 2013, 06:33:49 PM
Q: What does a model train set and a woman's breast have in common?
A: They are intended for the kids, but it is daddy who plays with them.

It's not a joke. It's an observation. A good one, but still not a joke.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tom62 on February 05, 2013, 06:46:09 PM
Another observation

Q. What do Eric the Red and Smokey the Bear have in common?
A. They have the same middle name.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 06, 2013, 02:28:01 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.thehindu.com%2Fmultimedia%2Fdynamic%2F01134%2FCERN2_jpg_1134412g.jpg&hash=10a77344710598e6314ac01cbf7b35a7d0cfb375)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on February 06, 2013, 03:34:28 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.thehindu.com%2Fmultimedia%2Fdynamic%2F01134%2FCERN2_jpg_1134412g.jpg&hash=10a77344710598e6314ac01cbf7b35a7d0cfb375)
Thats a good one! :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 06, 2013, 11:34:41 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FTT9KHbz.jpg&hash=ca69680e88036b94bbbb6c7883fe544cf655a1c5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 06, 2013, 11:35:58 AM
LOL! Yep, he won the hide and seek, alright!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 06, 2013, 11:47:34 AM
Oops!  I see Tank posted this one in another thread, well before me.  Sorry, Tank - I stole it from another forum, not from you.  8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on February 06, 2013, 01:17:44 PM
I wish my child would take some hide and seek lessons from him, she insists on coming back to find me.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 06, 2013, 04:48:16 PM
I wish my child would take some hide and seek lessons from him, she insists on coming back to find me.

BAD MUMMY! You don't mean that!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 06, 2013, 04:49:44 PM
Found this on Facebook. I've seen it before, but it's cute and worth sharing. Part funny, part probably true.  :D



Those kids are up to no good!! You find out interesting things when you have kids.

What Kids Taught Me.


1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house one inch deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old boy.

10.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

11.) Super glue is forever.

12.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

13.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

14.) VCR's do not eject "PB&J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

15.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

16.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

17.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

18.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

19.) The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.

20.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

21.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

22.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 06, 2013, 04:54:31 PM
^^^ Very good :)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F299301_604798566216267_253112874_n.jpg&hash=b3154f3af51704d00e402a4e2f6b7f6d43c3674c)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 06, 2013, 05:00:31 PM
LOL, love the grapes.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 06, 2013, 06:27:33 PM
Only a couple of raindrops on this parade, if The Asmo may:

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
You obviously need an industrial strength fan. That will spin a kid around as long as it's not a cheap one - that will probably just break.

Quote
7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
Not if you have recently emptied your septic tank.

Quote
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
Yes, and it can also be a fire hazard. Chlorine can also react with many other household items, sometimes with generation of highly poisonous gases (Those warnings about not mixing chlorine-rich cleaning products with anything else..? There is a reason for them)

Quote
9.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old boy.
As will coins, batteries and most of the other crap that can be swallowed but not digested. I would advise against trying nails or razor blades though, unless the latter has been taped up.

Quote
11.) Super glue is forever.
It's just an organic compound. Organic solvents like acetone will remove it.

Quote
14.) VCR's do not eject "PB&J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Provided you stick a sandwich in one to begin with, some models will. It depends on your machine's feeding/ejection system.

Quote
17.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
Indeed. Unless it smels of almond with none to be found. In which case, running may be a good idea... Unless it be too late.

There. Parade rained on, Asmo appeased, mission accomplished  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 06, 2013, 06:40:57 PM
Asmo, you're hilarious. :D Glad you're appeased, although I'm afraid you spent too long raining on the parade of something that took me 15 seconds to pull off Facebook... But I thank you for the extra facts. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 06, 2013, 07:03:04 PM
And His Appeasedness even managed to throw in a public service announcement or two in there. Now, who wants to learn how to make highly poisonous gases using household chemicals?  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 06, 2013, 07:49:35 PM
Excellent, Amicale, but you missed that cling film stretched tightly across the toilet bowl will fool many adults, especially grannies.

Quote from: The Grey One
Now, who wants to learn how to make highly poisonous gases using household chemicals?

Ooh, yes please, me!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 06, 2013, 08:29:43 PM
Ok... Let's start with something simple, shall we?

Bleach for chlorine compounds and some vinegar for the bubbly.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on February 07, 2013, 08:58:26 AM
I was only gonna comment on the superglue because i work with many different glues for costumes and know how to get each type off.  :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 07, 2013, 07:21:36 PM
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an  Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk,
a German, an Indian, several  Americans (including a Hawaiian and an
Alaskan), an Argentinean, a  Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an
Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan,  a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a
Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a  Colombian, a Pakistani, a
Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a  Pole, a Lithuanian, a
Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman  Islander, a Ugandan, a
Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an  Icelander, a Mexican, a
Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an  Israeli, a Venezuelan,
an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a  Syrian, a Brazilian,
a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, aHungarian, a Canadian, a
Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a
Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an  Armenian, an Aruban, an
Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a  Virgin Islander, a Georgian,
a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a  Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a
Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a  Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino,
a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a
Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a  Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an
Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a posh  restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group,
"You can't come in here without a Thai. "
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 07, 2013, 07:51:29 PM
BANNED for discriminating against South Africans (among others)  >:(

Oh, wait..! Wrong thread.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 07, 2013, 07:55:29 PM
Banned for banning me in the wrong thread.

GO players will note that we now have a Ko, so His Greyness must expend a ko-threat before retaking, else I can fill it in.   ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 07, 2013, 08:14:37 PM
D&D gamers will know what His Grayness means when he smites OG with a +172 Banhammer for 14422 damage and recaptures His derail.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 07, 2013, 08:16:54 PM
Sounds like a reasonable ko-threat.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 07, 2013, 09:31:49 PM
An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure", Says the Englishman.

The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on February 08, 2013, 03:41:06 AM
^ I never saw the punchline coming, as I expected a Zippo to be thrown in the mix.  Or would a ronson be more appropriate for an Englishman? That was extremely well delivered either way.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 08, 2013, 06:12:22 AM
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 08, 2013, 07:59:17 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F61762_428724357206473_305985660_n.jpg&hash=015c45c52a3b63dfdc1e20eff50449d7174c37fb)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 08, 2013, 02:29:03 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-lt0.pinterest.com%2F550%2F43%2Fe6%2Fbd%2F43e6bddec978ac43c956b5b96bd562b3.jpg&hash=0e10a5ddf2460f410947c645fa58057017048be8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 08, 2013, 06:03:46 PM
Great joke, though I heard it with a different punch line.
The guy has a tiny piano with a 1 foot high man that plays it perfectly.
(do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?)

An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure", Says the Englishman.

The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 09, 2013, 10:50:17 PM
LOL, Joe. Good punchline there, too.

OK, time for more grumpycat...

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwhitelion.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F01%2Fgrump-eat.jpg&hash=8831f658cd51f2afa12bb7dbd5ca84f741d1ae3d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on February 09, 2013, 11:42:39 PM
Guardian, the hit man joke just cracked me up. But then only dirty old men like me are caused to laugh by such a fortuitous saving of money.

Tank, your skills with a parabolic curve are  most appreciated. I understand the shotgun blasts at 5,0. Hail Descartes and caffiene.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 10, 2013, 11:48:11 AM
God and the Harley Rider  

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for such a worldly thing. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help all of mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?  
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 10, 2013, 02:28:21 PM
^^^ Hah!

(I love this thread ;-)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 10, 2013, 08:13:52 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F485366_608633312496358_1795958057_n.jpg&hash=ff2b2c5e17cfe60ffb3192da7d1aabd160b7c598)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 11, 2013, 07:12:53 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F531608_495222443848041_942674739_n.jpg&hash=309eebb27efbad37decc08132e377d1fe1d80288)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 11, 2013, 11:38:47 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F485366_608633312496358_1795958057_n.jpg&hash=ff2b2c5e17cfe60ffb3192da7d1aabd160b7c598)
>:( There will be vengeance for that, mark my words!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 11, 2013, 02:15:52 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F538354_10151409547856730_1112043819_n.jpg&hash=4671002e280f60467c38a5367b60667fb821c585)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 11, 2013, 02:34:16 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F538354_10151409547856730_1112043819_n.jpg&hash=4671002e280f60467c38a5367b60667fb821c585)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dianafit.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F01%2Fno-grumpy-cat.jpg&hash=7c8e16affed8e92b310e93b2211e9ee20e54f7d0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 11, 2013, 10:43:46 PM
Saw this elsewhere on the net:

Q: What is the Pope giving up for Lent?
A: His job.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 11, 2013, 10:46:37 PM
There was an Amish girl that had just come of age to date. Her mother was helping her get ready to go out that night. As she was about ready she put on some gloves, because it was to be cold that night,and the Amish still ride in buggies. Her mother asked, "why are you wearing gloves?" She continued by saying that it wasn't lady like to wear gloves. The Girl said to her mother, "its suppose to be cold tonight, what do I do with my hands if they get cold?" Her mother replied. "just stick your hands between your knees, and they will get warm." So the girl agreed. Her date picked her up and they went on there was. On their way home her hands got cold, so following her mother's orders, she stuck her hands between her knees. Her date looked over and said, "what on earth do you have your hands between your legs for?" She replied, " my mother told me that if my hands got cold, to stick them between my legs to get them warm." Her date said to her, " well my dick is frozen solid do you care if I stick it between your legs to get it warm?" The girl said, "well I don't see any harm in it." So he did. After returning home from her date she asked her mother," What do you know about them there dicks?" Her mother said, "Why what do you know about dicks?" The girl looked at her mother and said, "All I know is that when they thaw out they make an awful mess!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 12, 2013, 06:22:39 AM
This made me laugh. You KNOW you need a mint when your cat, who cleans his ENTIRE body with his tongue, does this:

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/65929_489657357763520_293466839_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on February 12, 2013, 09:12:45 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F531608_495222443848041_942674739_n.jpg&hash=309eebb27efbad37decc08132e377d1fe1d80288)
If Asmo liked cats.. this would be his cat.

(I like cats. *takes her*  ;D )
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 12, 2013, 09:33:38 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F307983_452971341443580_1464805998_n.jpg&hash=9b38651e3a453e1d6185a946af91e0fb6e5aab1c)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 12, 2013, 09:39:50 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F537939_452960844777963_337967441_n.jpg&hash=eb881fb05816cb267bf6137ecb79377b40785689)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 12, 2013, 09:44:41 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F538105_547460148620888_1448996166_n.jpg&hash=e97cf6fcafb8dd22150c6fb072060029fc421397)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on February 12, 2013, 04:45:46 PM
This one's old, but I still like it:
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FvMob9t6.jpg&hash=7a5b89ab8ad6277da204e59de63913a6fde5123e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 13, 2013, 07:02:13 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F222616_484943848219477_324923796_n.jpg&hash=422d3c197d7f4d6a07ed804a2a366853bcb3e950)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 13, 2013, 10:54:09 AM
^ Excellent!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 13, 2013, 12:08:20 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F404897_496123313757954_919239551_n.jpg&hash=7571e1425eb2539953c0cc7bb24e26f3efed984f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 13, 2013, 01:49:47 PM
Yes. The Asmo, He dislikes Valentine's Day.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 13, 2013, 02:19:48 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F307444_10151414085381730_391456469_n.png&hash=39e00218045ceb65f3bd1d3298d8d49b4ae1fb1d)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 13, 2013, 08:42:03 PM
...Eh?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 14, 2013, 01:17:40 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-lt0.pinterest.com%2F550x%2Ff6%2Ff5%2F03%2Ff6f503bf10d04974d0ccc905d2c56470.jpg&hash=f3ca5477885d6ed84da0685307f166e50298349e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 14, 2013, 02:55:46 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F529677_336819299768397_1739219132_n.jpg&hash=0982b11c4546f433f65d63be202cd7b8c11bef3b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 14, 2013, 04:18:32 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F11207_392436947519802_2054674454_n.jpg&hash=795dbf72f8642144557409b90e7dd7c593db06c3)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: new guy on February 14, 2013, 05:57:20 PM
Okay, guys, listen up.
This is a very
flammable mixture
that’s also
undetectable.
If we put it on the electric box
and two of the outlets,
then light them all at once,
it’ll look like a short circuit.

Geez, Mort, how the hell do
you know how to do all this?

Oh, it’s all covered in
the Torah.
Right after the chapter on
writing complaint letters
that will result in
compensatory merchandise.

Dear stuffed shirts
at Ritz Crackers.
A chain is only as strong
as its weakest link.
Just as a box of crackers
is only as appealing
as its least intact sleeve.
I am paying
for fully formed crackers,
not butter crumbles.
I don’t buy your product
with broken quarters;
don’t stick me
with broken pieces of cracker,
you miserable dicks!
Regards, Mort Goldman again.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on February 14, 2013, 06:42:49 PM
I got two that made me laugh a lot

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.explosm.net%2Fdb%2Ffiles%2FComics%2FRob%2Fifeelugly.png&hash=215ce124250904387fd7f2e3db26d3222b467f85)

and

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.explosm.net%2Fdb%2Ffiles%2FComics%2FDave%2Fcomicbps1.png&hash=c4b7c1310caec70c889d29c38467272025a5ff4f)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 15, 2013, 03:59:09 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F535576_550901154930900_918106128_n.jpg&hash=44c9d0e059a5d41d142311485d7e39d5ca21ae31)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 15, 2013, 10:02:10 PM
Credit to: Little White Lion (http://littlewhitelion.com/if-facebook-existed-years-ago-funny-16204/) because that's where I found it, but I don't know who created it - the url on the bottom gives credit to 'thefunnyplanet', so someone there, I guess.

As someone in the comments pointed out, the main screw-up is that the post dates are from years and years ago, but the comments are only hours/minutes ago. Oh well. It still made me laugh the first time I saw this.  :D

It's called "If Facebook Existed Years Ago".

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwhitelion.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F01%2Fif-facebook-existed-years-ago-thumb.jpg&hash=ffd5a97d055ac559233691a3f03b40dafae2ba15)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on February 16, 2013, 01:50:09 AM
^Those are hilarious :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 16, 2013, 04:47:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F182600_497469046956714_1586066651_n.jpg&hash=89821f6469d6a9e8cdd953a023e7d29c9497f350)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 16, 2013, 10:00:20 PM
Another Little White Lion (http://littlewhitelion.com/7-international-marketing-fails-18733/7-marketing-fails-thumb/) collection - I have NO idea if these are true, but they're pretty funny anyway!  :D

"7 marketing fails":

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwhitelion.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F02%2F7-marketing-fails-thumb.jpg&hash=4542c03e6837424b7e88ac086b00f105e3ec32fe)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on February 17, 2013, 04:05:40 AM
That's the funniest thing I've seen in a long time Amicale!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 17, 2013, 04:27:32 AM
That's the funniest thing I've seen in a long time Amicale!

 :D Glad you liked it, I got a laugh out of it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 17, 2013, 09:27:38 AM
I knew the Pepsi one but none of the others.
Good for a Giggle.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F535464_455443497863031_242659664_n.jpg&hash=3f2506ca53435347742742d47adaf936f43ab5fc)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 17, 2013, 02:33:48 PM
I LOVE YOU IN 10 LANGUAGES
 
English:      I Love You
Spanish:    Te Amo
French:      Je t'aime
German:     ich liebe dich
Japanese:   Ai Shite Imasu
Italian:       Ti Amo
Chinese:     Wo Ai Ni
Swedish      Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian:  As Tave Meliu

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi, Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia, Saskatchewan, Alberta,
Manitoba, Oregon, Upper Michigan:     Nice Tits, Get in the Truck.

     

     

 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 17, 2013, 02:35:52 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F535464_455443497863031_242659664_n.jpg&hash=3f2506ca53435347742742d47adaf936f43ab5fc)
This isn't a rapid response policeman, is it?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 17, 2013, 02:57:46 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F535464_455443497863031_242659664_n.jpg&hash=3f2506ca53435347742742d47adaf936f43ab5fc)
This isn't a rapid response policeman, is it?  ???
Yes. Until he gets out of the car that is.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 17, 2013, 04:04:38 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F525737_602248576456864_654379841_n.jpg&hash=064a11776e602b5b0eba6f22c62339430d11f6ab)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on February 17, 2013, 04:05:20 PM
I LOVE YOU IN 10 LANGUAGES
 
English:      I Love You
Spanish:    Te Amo
French:      Je t'aime
German:     ich liebe dich
Japanese:   Ai Shite Imasu
Italian:       Ti Amo
Chinese:     Wo Ai Ni
Swedish      Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian:  As Tave Meliu

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi, Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia, Saskatchewan, Alberta,
Manitoba, Oregon, Upper Michigan:     Nice Tits, Get in the Truck.

 

I can't speak for the rest but I can say on good authority that not all Virginians are like this ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 17, 2013, 04:09:38 PM
I LOVE YOU IN 10 LANGUAGES
 
English:      I Love You
Spanish:    Te Amo
French:      Je t'aime
German:     ich liebe dich
Japanese:   Ai Shite Imasu
Italian:       Ti Amo
Chinese:     Wo Ai Ni
Swedish      Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian:  As Tave Meliu

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi, Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia, Saskatchewan, Alberta,
Manitoba, Oregon, Upper Michigan:     Nice Tits, Get in the Truck.

 

I can't speak for the rest but I can say on good authority that not all[/i Virginians are like this ;)
He's on his best behaviour at the moment  :D ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 17, 2013, 04:16:02 PM
Yes, Claire, just you wait ...  ;D

BTW poor old Oscar Pistorius has no chance of a Not Guilty verdict ....... he hasn't got a leg to stand on.  (Falls about in senile cackle, swallows false teesh.)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 17, 2013, 04:17:12 PM
Yes, Claire, just you wait ...  ;D

BTW poor old Oscar Pistorius has no chance of a Not Guilty verdict ....... he hasn't got a leg to stand on.  (Falls about in senile cackle, swallows false teesh.)

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg837.imageshack.us%2Fimg837%2F14%2Fcoffeescreen.gif&hash=2677375a311d6ffcd406425d5279bfafae9a52e5)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 17, 2013, 04:18:57 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F539735_577988692229118_1240429138_n.jpg&hash=ba37683b1bd3832df6faf9ef72a038b5e5abdc43)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 17, 2013, 04:54:01 PM
Wouldn't work. Could simply lift the phone above the collar.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 18, 2013, 06:49:01 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F223443_498172480219704_206891773_n.jpg&hash=a71e9a9a94a1a2905c1d01fdf49065caaac9f2e3)

These are done by an Australian friend of mine.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 18, 2013, 04:25:26 PM
First. My wife's car went in for an MOT and Service today. It had an odd road wheel speed noise, usually associated with something like a binding break. It turned out to be a broken coil spring! And it was the broken end of the spring cutting into the inside tyre wall. It was literally mm's from causing a blow out. It was also a new f***ing tyre to. Plus front break disks and pads were needed. Goodbye £700!  >:(

Second. Got a new TV today. 40" LCD. Got a good price on the TV at Argos but they didn't have a angled/flexible wall mounting bracket to fit! So I went to Tesco to see what they had in the way of TVs, turned out not much. But they did have a bracket that would fit the TV Argos had! So I bought that and went back to Argos and got the TV. All went well mounting the bracket and getting the TV onto it. Plugged in the TV; nothing! F***ing nothing! Dead as a bloody door nail!  >:(  Grrrr. Rang Argos help line expecting answering machine hell. Surprise! A human! Gave him the Argos part number and in seconds he knew the answer. There is a 'hidden' on/off switch! Not the standby on/off button that is mentioned in the manual but a real power on/off switch that is NOT mentioned in the manual. Click! It works!  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 18, 2013, 04:29:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F539812_10151424025726730_776771584_n.jpg&hash=f78b552f391bd41c813f2ff8d58102e3a01385d9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on February 18, 2013, 05:51:07 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F539812_10151424025726730_776771584_n.jpg&hash=f78b552f391bd41c813f2ff8d58102e3a01385d9)

That's gotta be photoshopped.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 18, 2013, 06:15:25 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F539812_10151424025726730_776771584_n.jpg&hash=f78b552f391bd41c813f2ff8d58102e3a01385d9)

That's gotta be photoshopped.
Apparently not.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 19, 2013, 08:55:44 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F377647_10151511417656103_1574518467_n.jpg&hash=ddcbc25ee0dc53738f6da0648de63c6b670bb024)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 19, 2013, 11:29:27 AM
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

He calls home.

'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 19, 2013, 02:58:23 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F13856_213905525419382_1924606939_n.jpg&hash=80fd128200b292261b62fedae50f32a2e4aa8ac9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 19, 2013, 03:04:13 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F539812_10151424025726730_776771584_n.jpg&hash=f78b552f391bd41c813f2ff8d58102e3a01385d9)
Why is that moment awkward again..?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 19, 2013, 03:14:35 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F539812_10151424025726730_776771584_n.jpg&hash=f78b552f391bd41c813f2ff8d58102e3a01385d9)
Why is that moment awkward again..?
I have no idea I just posted the picture  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 19, 2013, 03:15:35 PM
...Which was cool enough, but would be more so without the text. The... Text which isn't on the horse, that is.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 19, 2013, 04:44:43 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F426109_607633492595415_1415318699_n.jpg&hash=a0f6602cc3e219d09140d2ecb2736c5cd94bbf7a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 19, 2013, 05:45:35 PM
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 20, 2013, 12:31:33 PM
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Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 20, 2013, 03:10:07 PM
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Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 21, 2013, 02:46:12 PM
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Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 21, 2013, 03:20:35 PM
^lol
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 22, 2013, 07:24:06 AM
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Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 22, 2013, 07:27:25 AM
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Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 22, 2013, 07:30:18 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F551381_10151429825341730_751496027_n.jpg&hash=de27ccca90327f8aa4106e841eee72566827fe50)

 ;D I LOVE The Far Side.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 22, 2013, 09:28:03 AM
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Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 22, 2013, 12:03:31 PM
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Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on February 22, 2013, 12:30:57 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F551381_10151429825341730_751496027_n.jpg&hash=de27ccca90327f8aa4106e841eee72566827fe50)

 ;D I LOVE The Far Side.

Me too! My father had a whole collection which I would read over and over again ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 22, 2013, 02:01:09 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F11208_458146404259407_2047000853_n.jpg&hash=133880b5dc804af328ec145252dce17e5527165b)
Hm. Expert, eh? Well, The Asmo can SEE the stuffed animals attempting to pass for the real thing. But then, The Asmo is the grandmaster of paranoia.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 22, 2013, 04:07:48 PM
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Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 22, 2013, 07:24:33 PM
Claire will love these Yorkshire jokes (possibly ;))

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist, "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?”
 
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.  Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "E by gum"

A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi mi."
 
A Yorkshireman's dog dies, and as it was a favourite pet, he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue o' yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No, yer daft bugger, I want it chewin' a booen!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 22, 2013, 07:49:27 PM
Q. What's the definition of a Yorkshireman?
A. A Scotsman with the generosity wrung out of him.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Amicale on February 22, 2013, 08:01:42 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/267946_437462916330701_1395879323_n.png)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on February 22, 2013, 08:14:28 PM
Oi Oldgit watch it..... Jumbojak I take it back, I'll be the gunner ;)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on February 22, 2013, 08:17:31 PM
Claire will love these Yorkshire jokes (possibly ;))

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist, "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?”
 
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.  Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "E by gum"

A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it wi mi."
 
A Yorkshireman's dog dies, and as it was a favourite pet, he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue o' yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No, yer daft bugger, I want it chewin' a booen!"

Brilliant!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on February 22, 2013, 08:30:46 PM
Oi Oldgit watch it..... Jumbojak I take it back, I'll be the gunner ;)



Well now I've got to find a new loader! ???       **walks away grumbling abour well laid plans being ruined**
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on February 22, 2013, 08:49:03 PM
Oi Oldgit watch it..... Jumbojak I take it back, I'll be the gunner ;)



Well now I've got to find a new loader! ???       **walks away grumbling abour well laid plans being ruined**

Problem sorted (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autoloader).  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on February 22, 2013, 08:54:18 PM
Oi Oldgit watch it..... Jumbojak I take it back, I'll be the gunner ;)



Well now I've got to find a new loader! ???       **walks away grumbling abour well laid plans being ruined**

Problem sorted (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autoloader).  ;D

We'll be riding in a Abrams, thank you very much, which doesn't have an autoloader. Besides that, autoloaders are slower than having a person do the job, and in some vehicles have a nasty habit of tearing the gunners arm off at the shoulder and ranning it into the chamber with the shell. You don't want to take that sort of risk do you?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 22, 2013, 08:58:58 PM
I would be your loader, but I have already been signed on as one of Asmo's minions.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on February 22, 2013, 09:01:33 PM
Oi Oldgit watch it..... Jumbojak I take it back, I'll be the gunner ;)



Well now I've got to find a new loader! ???       **walks away grumbling abour well laid plans being ruined**

Problem sorted (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autoloader).  ;D

We'll be riding in a Abrams, thank you very much, which doesn't have an autoloader. Besides that, autoloaders are slower than having a person do the job, and in some vehicles have a nasty habit of tearing the gunners arm off at the shoulder and ranning it into the chamber with the shell. You don't want to take that sort of risk do you?

Sounds a bit dangerous this war malarkey.  I'll stick to my original plan of looking pretty and making the tea, who needs feminism anyway?!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 22, 2013, 09:09:28 PM
+2 to OldGit - loved 'em!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on February 22, 2013, 09:14:13 PM
I would be your loader, but I have already been signed on as one of Asmo's minions.

Hmmm.... perhaps we can work out a minion exchange program.

Hey Asmo, do you have any use for a pretty woman who makes tea?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on February 22, 2013, 09:31:29 PM
I would be your loader, but I have already been signed on as one of Asmo's minions.

Hmmm.... perhaps we can work out a minion exchange program.

Hey Asmo, do you have any use for a pretty woman who makes tea?

 :o MINION  :o      >:( >:( >:( >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on February 22, 2013, 09:33:38 PM
I knew I shouldn't have said that out loud ..... forgiveness please?!?!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 22, 2013, 09:53:34 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F419277_551448521543194_1924911305_n.jpg&hash=753adc1a635bce048a481980e83840cdb709f904)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on February 22, 2013, 10:02:57 PM
I knew I shouldn't have said that out loud ..... forgiveness please?!?!

You are very lucky (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/minion)

Quote
One who is highly esteemed or favored; a darling.
[French mignon, darling

An American saved by the French...there's a first!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 22, 2013, 10:36:18 PM
I would be your loader, but I have already been signed on as one of Asmo's minions.

Hmmm.... perhaps we can work out a minion exchange program.

Hey Asmo, do you have any use for a pretty woman who makes tea?
Yes, The Asmo is hiring tea-making women to surround His gray and grumpy self with.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 23, 2013, 07:44:00 AM
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Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 23, 2013, 08:47:46 AM
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Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 23, 2013, 09:30:51 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F179282_493924347338052_1077988820_n.jpg&hash=0fad3aeeca388c862a347f9088b69310a77b67c6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 23, 2013, 07:16:47 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F295627_508367415880356_1172864958_n.jpg&hash=8fa3510e349b686c5ef8c4d3de0919900ab704f9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 24, 2013, 03:43:08 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F421522_10151415280617870_966796779_n.jpg&hash=a1147e50f1f5ff5857661e30e82709933e134a09)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 24, 2013, 04:25:36 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F306160_453901788011482_17347100_n.jpg&hash=5ef7700cafb9c6e059b254a9b1940d2a046c84f8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on February 24, 2013, 08:19:34 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_m72b8gK50c1qzcv7no1_500.jpg&hash=3a1496e1584054345f4032ee62017ca3a2c485ae)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on February 24, 2013, 09:15:41 PM
Because I was asked to post this.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ash4%2F399884_314059005291292_1100895903_n.jpg&hash=f3f1cfe0a77eece0d9cb4fe7e2e31f86c94691f8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 24, 2013, 09:18:01 PM
^^^  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 24, 2013, 09:44:05 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F207391_4983414736667_1242409793_n.jpg&hash=921187b1d124c23c33afec73e04513ee6f70a997)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 25, 2013, 10:40:54 AM
^ Excellent!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 25, 2013, 12:59:49 PM
^ Excellent!
That was me of course!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on February 25, 2013, 02:04:35 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_m72b8gK50c1qzcv7no1_500.jpg&hash=3a1496e1584054345f4032ee62017ca3a2c485ae)

Maybe she was announcing a movie:

"School 2: Easy for Kids... this time, it's impersonal!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Ihateyoumike on February 25, 2013, 06:11:35 PM
Because I was asked to post this.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ash4%2F399884_314059005291292_1100895903_n.jpg&hash=f3f1cfe0a77eece0d9cb4fe7e2e31f86c94691f8)

I am completely missing the joke here. Is it because the kid is wearing a Penn State hat?  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on February 26, 2013, 05:46:07 AM
Paddy was in the pub having a few. He had quite a few and the hour had become late. So he had a couple more drinks as a nightcap.
He got off the bar stool and fell on his face. He grabbed the corner of the bar and pulled himself up but promtly fell on his face when he let go.
He crawled to the door and used the door frame to lift himself, hoping to get a breath of fresh air. He let go the door frame and fell on his face. He said; I must be more drunk than I thought...His house was only a few hundred meters up the street so he crawled all the way home. He crawled inside and finally mustered the strength to crawl to his bed.

In the morning, his wife woke him and said; Paddy you must have gotten very drunk last night and had to crawl all the way home.
Yes I did Paddy said. How ever did you know that?
She said; you left your wheelchair at the pub.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 26, 2013, 07:36:31 AM
^^^  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 26, 2013, 07:51:39 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F482450_501021923268093_720032820_n.jpg&hash=3737265ff5ebdfe88b98db8bed0a5930cbd165f6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on February 27, 2013, 12:20:15 AM
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on February 27, 2013, 03:36:24 AM
That ones a goodie Guardian. A salute to ninja wit.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 27, 2013, 10:58:26 AM
^^ Good one.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Siz on February 27, 2013, 01:40:14 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/549912_529101513778457_1485009447_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 27, 2013, 04:28:54 PM
^^^ I'm not very good at cross word puzzles, but even I worked that one out (in the end).
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 27, 2013, 04:56:08 PM
It's just one damned word repeating itself. And why did they provide the answer?  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 27, 2013, 08:14:49 PM
^  I believe both weaknesses were intentional, O Grey One, in the interests of what is known as humour. ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on February 28, 2013, 01:33:41 AM
Ah. Yes, well... The Asmo is displeased with it.  >:( Ruin nice crossword..!  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on February 28, 2013, 09:50:12 AM
Gave me a chuckle still  :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 28, 2013, 11:57:34 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F533209_10151503292015729_1833122896_n.jpg&hash=1d95d9653ccdf628ffe9828f6eabb0db352cd8c8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on February 28, 2013, 02:41:48 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F559866_10151334285357613_776360063_n.jpg&hash=cfbef82c4b174e1705d5856d35bbc9ef25a07347)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on February 28, 2013, 03:15:03 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F533209_10151503292015729_1833122896_n.jpg&hash=1d95d9653ccdf628ffe9828f6eabb0db352cd8c8)

Very clever!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on February 28, 2013, 04:13:59 PM
Pope planning ‘massive’ leaving do

Plans are said to be well underway at the Vatican to mark the departure today of Pope Benedict XVI with what Cardinals are excitedly describing as ‘an almighty piss-up’.
‘We’ll start early in the afternoon at the Vatican with several bottles of communion wine and a buffet of wafer biscuits,’ said 87-year-old Cardinal Giovanni Cappa. ‘Then we’ll move on to an exclusive nightclub just round the corner and really get stuck into some Jägerbombs. The last time we arranged a leaving do for a Pope was in 1414 so we’re a little out of practice, but priests’ hobbies haven’t changed much since then, and none of us have wives so there’s no problem getting a pass for the night.’

The main part of the evening will be spent at the Vatican’s favourite nightspot, The Chorister’s Crotchet, where a table has been specially reserved. ‘The Pope and his posse of Cardinals will be entertained by our finest young choirboys dancing and draping themselves seductively across replica altars,’ said club promoter, Roberto di Lorenzo. ‘They might occasionally glimpse a bit of ankle flashed from beneath a cassock, but if they want to see more or adjourn to the vestry for a private dance, they’ll have to slip a €20 note onto the choirboy’s collection tray just like everyone else.’

Before the evening gets underway the Pope is expected to finish his official duties by deleting all his emails and setting up his out-of-office message insisting he knew nothing about child abuse allegations. He’ll then be presented with a ‘Sorry-you’re-leaving’ card which all the Cardinals have signed, some Marks and Spencer vouchers from a Vatican whip-around, and jokingly teased about the time on 1 April when his Cardinals presented him with a draft speech advocating women priests, gay marriage and the use of contraceptives.
Once the celebrations are over, Cardinals will go into conclave to pray and seek divine guidance on who the next Pope should be. ‘It’s actually just some quiet time for us to ride out our hangovers,’ said Cardinal Cappa. ‘We do pray, though. I usually spend most of the next day on the big white telephone to God.’

Newsbiscuit (http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/02/27/pope-planning-massive-leaving-do/)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 01, 2013, 09:32:34 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwumocomicstrip.com%2Fimg%2Fstrip%2F-WM_strip_DK_20130208.jpg&hash=b64b50a3cb5af4422abbbc040115aa5d34712a69)

There are loads of these here WUMO (http://wumocomicstrip.com/2013/02/08/)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xXxWashburnxXx on March 01, 2013, 09:46:45 AM
'I was at the beach and heard a man yell "HELP! SHARK HELP!" I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on March 01, 2013, 10:22:35 AM
Haha, i liked that one.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 01, 2013, 07:23:48 PM
'I was at the beach and heard a man yell "HELP! SHARK HELP!" I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.'
Maybe it was a nurse shark, yes? Those are helpful, no?  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 01, 2013, 08:54:30 PM
Hearded Cats.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F540775_515455748497467_1087048771_n.jpg&hash=3b159fa079d6bb01bcb10ec6ea99b68c81c4ac4e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on March 01, 2013, 08:59:35 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FgxIgfwX.jpg&hash=0a397198832a7e89067619814540489ce5662365)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on March 02, 2013, 12:03:19 AM
Hahahaha!! I almost choked on my coffee. That was a good one. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 03, 2013, 02:04:30 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F11176_462134680527246_1324968453_n.jpg&hash=43d85876996f89c28a238f26029ae79e74e36ed8)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 04, 2013, 05:52:28 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F574997_581381991873925_258656319_n.jpg&hash=b68919ea2c2cc0fb1d75fafa83090730267fde53)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 04, 2013, 11:09:07 AM

Pensioner mistakes mineshaft for 3D pavement art

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.newsbiscuit.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2013%2F03%2F353-sinkhole.jpg&hash=48652dadc02acf76afdc4d6036c2bc0f7c49b08b)

In a tragic case of life-imitating-pavement-art, Black Country pensioner Enoch Beasley fell into a massive mineshaft which had opened up in front of his local pub, The Miner’s Arms in Tipton.

The incident was witnessed by several passers-by including chip shop owner Bob Kendall. ‘I was walking behind the old chap when he kind of paused like and put one foot in front of the other before going arse over apex down the hole. I managed to catch hold of his cap but the rest of him disappeared in a shot. Only yesterday we had this bloke with dreadlocks drawing gaping holes on the pavement so I blame him for any confusion.’
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 04, 2013, 11:54:41 AM
Not sure if this IS a joke. But it made me giggle  :D

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F484911_10151316389272584_363082007_n.jpg&hash=ff5d5a134e7d3d29bd176a1f847772664cd358d4)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 05, 2013, 06:57:44 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F378372_542582955786209_473251365_n.jpg&hash=43af5a7c01461d6106de86e34aedaa11eeb170da)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 05, 2013, 07:43:20 AM
That cat, it is approved by Der Aschmo!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Sweetdeath on March 05, 2013, 10:20:09 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F11176_462134680527246_1324968453_n.jpg&hash=43d85876996f89c28a238f26029ae79e74e36ed8)
omg, i want this so bad for my morning cup!!!


And yes, der kitten.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 05, 2013, 04:19:24 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F540876_10151456660861730_1239921092_n.jpg&hash=5e0c989a0e06608e5670653cacde6bfc0b07ffe7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 06, 2013, 08:02:32 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F306188_614809905211107_860051292_n.jpg&hash=e4aba643eb989b69621ff0bb8314f095b30a678e)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 06, 2013, 08:14:38 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F549885_623711844320997_978225857_n.jpg&hash=f678665cbc074027af29ad1117de6f0bf12f4b1a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 06, 2013, 08:41:40 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F602045_504433856260233_2143484034_n.jpg&hash=040b67d1e2436d872e1d409c97ae397354414ccd)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on March 06, 2013, 09:54:41 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F549885_623711844320997_978225857_n.jpg&hash=f678665cbc074027af29ad1117de6f0bf12f4b1a)

Awesome!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on March 06, 2013, 08:23:40 PM
Remember that "School two easy" picture that I had said was from my local news station? The lovely South Bend delivers again.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fbw4e0o2.jpg&hash=69390c07cb3d85983e9ad6c0760ea20861d3658b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 06, 2013, 09:30:49 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fserve.mysmiley.net%2Fhappy%2Fhappy0065.gif&hash=0ad71e190df8801419bf9f76dbdd3bd132c85007) (http://www.mysmiley.net/free-winking-smileys.php) (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fserve.mysmiley.net%2Fhappy%2Fhappy0158.gif&hash=212154c8a0c0b3d7f23dbfe9d17dce6f6535a990) (http://www.blueislandsdiving.com) (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fserve.mysmiley.net%2Fhappy%2Fhappy0064.gif&hash=5a20bf56d2ab626e7e9deb1cc05ae02e9adadb01) (http://www.mysmiley.net)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 06, 2013, 10:48:48 PM
Remember that "School two easy" picture that I had said was from my local news station? The lovely South Bend delivers again.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fbw4e0o2.jpg&hash=69390c07cb3d85983e9ad6c0760ea20861d3658b)
That can't be real!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on March 06, 2013, 11:26:06 PM
Oh it was. This happened a while ago and has since been taken down but I saw it when it was up.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 07, 2013, 12:07:24 AM
That can't be real!
I don't see the problem. Advertising pube schools in a discreet, non-flashy way like that is... How I'd like to see everything advertised.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on March 07, 2013, 12:23:41 AM
Another from the Twitter of Northern Indiana's news station.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FCCX3BWp.png&hash=c6c8d0a769b961f1a512a6e016a5a2cb2fa7ba53)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 08, 2013, 01:08:37 AM
Read this on another site. I thought it was pretty funny.
A burglar is breaking into a window of a house and he hears, "Jesus is watching you." He freezes then starts unplugging the TV and hears, "Jesus is watching you." Then he shines his flashlight at the parrot and says, "That you talking?" The parrot says, "Yes, I'm Moses." The burglar says, "Who calls a parrot Moses?" and the parrot says, "The same person who called the Rottweiler Jesus."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 08, 2013, 01:53:02 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-snc7%2F484371_625233584160789_1544665289_n.jpg&hash=3cf7e3f0d643bebcae1c6196bfe42b6603445bc1)
I don't think I double-post too much.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 08, 2013, 07:49:26 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F26338_10151462216376730_158663548_n.jpg&hash=b1d1994e8285a9134c42319f8ac598be605bdb54)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 08, 2013, 11:05:54 AM
JOB INTERVIEW

Interviewer: 'What's your greatest weakness?'
Candidate: 'Honesty.'
Interviewer: 'Honesty?  I don't think that's a weakness.'
Candidate: 'I don't give a shit what you think.'
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 08, 2013, 12:38:13 PM
Honesty doesn't get one far at all.
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fdailypicksandflicks.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F07%2Fsuddenly-an-oven.jpg&hash=3f19d83135b8bda6122dda007bdb121eb1feab04)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 08, 2013, 01:22:24 PM
Fake.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 08, 2013, 02:28:36 PM
Hello, Buzz Killington.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 08, 2013, 04:48:39 PM
Fake.
Or staged. Either way 'fake' as there is no damage to the oven.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 08, 2013, 05:28:40 PM
Hello, Buzz Killington.
That's His Buzzy Gray Killongtonness, Asmo The Divinely Terrible Grumpy Lump.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 08, 2013, 06:04:11 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc1%2F734528_270647253069118_1093864431_n.jpg&hash=091816aa806a05e8b45cdf2c82903612e05ca488)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 08, 2013, 08:13:18 PM
Hello, Buzz Killington.
That's His Buzzy Gray Killongtonness, Asmo The Divinely Terrible Grumpy Lump.  >:(
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F1.bp.blogspot.com%2F-pyp0YH10Uko%2FUCR88C07RpI%2FAAAAAAAAA70%2FEbSOA3b3dbY%2Fs1600%2Ffuck-that-guy-dumb-bitch-yao-ming-rage-face-231x300.png&hash=f86a1468d14041c050c30f553489ea0fd6aa85ae)
Ha! No.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 08, 2013, 08:18:11 PM
Yes.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 08, 2013, 08:19:21 PM
Nope.
Wanna fight about it?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 08, 2013, 08:28:37 PM
Yes.  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 08, 2013, 08:31:01 PM
What if I told you...
...I've already won?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 08, 2013, 09:16:07 PM
Wouldn't work. Asmos are distrustful by nature  >:(
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on March 08, 2013, 09:22:34 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-snc7%2F388992_10151013036248369_1216824886_n.jpg&hash=a53b45521d2209566c0a1ba75631f2ef3621f8d7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 08, 2013, 10:30:48 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-snc7%2F388992_10151013036248369_1216824886_n.jpg&hash=a53b45521d2209566c0a1ba75631f2ef3621f8d7)
Would that not be (i(sqrt(shit)))^2 = i^2*shit = -shit?

How does negative shit indicate the reality of positive shit?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on March 08, 2013, 11:02:19 PM
I think I've had too much gin as it made sense at the time!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on March 09, 2013, 01:05:49 AM
How does negative shit indicate the reality of positive shit?

Because you usually use the word shit in a negative context.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 09, 2013, 01:58:03 AM
This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars." So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!" So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so fucking fine, of course I would!" Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?" So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically" "Well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 sluts and a fag!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 09, 2013, 07:40:10 AM
How does negative shit indicate the reality of positive shit?

Because you usually use the word shit in a negative context.
Ah! Touché.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 09, 2013, 10:59:06 AM
Shit, like electric current, flows from negative to positive by the movement of small particles of shit.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on March 09, 2013, 02:14:29 PM
Shit, like electric current, flows from negative to positive by the movement of small particles of shit.  :D

... those are called "shitons"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 09, 2013, 11:24:50 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F226502_10152179339730400_274666536_n.jpg&hash=5765d276192e159baae241cded8e2246eadc5671)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 09, 2013, 11:31:44 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F398816_617122824979815_10829718_n.jpg&hash=a4404d96095d656c03168f1b500f5fc296ca766a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 09, 2013, 11:41:09 PM
A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager  and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 10, 2013, 05:38:03 PM
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second passenger, Enda Kenny, said, "I am the Prime Minister of Ireland and I am the smartest man in Ireland's history, so Irish people don't want me to die." He took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America."  So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.

The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could.  I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you, Ireland's smartest man took my schoolbag."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 12, 2013, 07:14:24 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F69846_466496450091069_1595999386_n.jpg&hash=ec96183ff3f66b48776001abe96b70e886be9e95)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 12, 2013, 10:47:01 AM
The hot favourite for Pope:

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FInnocentXIV_zpsf4cacb6c.jpg&hash=a8ae6e513c2357935804dcb46547889428c41277)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 13, 2013, 01:22:27 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-snc7%2F1630_431487746928918_1001003924_n.jpg&hash=1a994fb8946def596a5523c1cc37bcf1f6a0cbfe)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 13, 2013, 08:35:29 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F199077_473115656089547_1097933565_n.jpg&hash=2cc442a74725273e6d47ca10d1c755275c96e566)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 15, 2013, 03:27:53 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3-ec.buzzfed.com%2Fstatic%2Fenhanced%2Fwebdr01%2F2013%2F3%2F14%2F13%2Fanigif_enhanced-buzz-25275-1363281063-11.gif&hash=08dad6c5daab591649487dd6f8b1702744ceea51)

Now watch the dogs faces!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on March 15, 2013, 03:39:18 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs3-ec.buzzfed.com%2Fstatic%2Fenhanced%2Fwebdr01%2F2013%2F3%2F14%2F13%2Fanigif_enhanced-buzz-25275-1363281063-11.gif&hash=08dad6c5daab591649487dd6f8b1702744ceea51)

Now watch the dogs faces!

... and the other cat doesn't even notice...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on March 16, 2013, 01:09:01 AM
In Ireland, what's the difference between a wedding and a wake?
There's one less drunk at a wake.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 16, 2013, 09:21:44 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F482757_600371373324428_1335691502_n.jpg&hash=13a393c3bbd1051e57286c48288009465247c93b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 16, 2013, 02:20:06 PM
Vegetable governments #23

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Fdicktater_zpsdd3cffa3.jpg&hash=46378feb19bbce00b6d782b7ca76e97bd3402b86)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 16, 2013, 09:41:38 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-frc1%2F734572_485838001464090_1166846420_n.png&hash=e1bd13ea9b259ee9031a60c92672b3377694588b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 16, 2013, 10:08:35 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-frc1%2F734572_485838001464090_1166846420_n.png&hash=e1bd13ea9b259ee9031a60c92672b3377694588b)
Drug down a hole, eh? I may not know what fear is... Spelling, on the other hand... I do know a little about that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on March 17, 2013, 04:42:07 AM
Livingston was tramping through the African jungle when he came upon a woman from an local tribe.  Livingston said to her; Ubangi?  She said; Ubetcha.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 17, 2013, 06:46:02 AM
Livingston was tramping through the African jungle when he came upon a woman from an local tribe.  Livingston said to her; Ubangi?  She said; Ubetcha.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg233.imageshack.us%2Fimg233%2F1728%2Feusadoh.gif&hash=80d966d3141a12a00d484ff237e366bd88616709)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on March 17, 2013, 03:14:34 PM
Livingston was tramping through the African jungle when he came upon a woman from an local tribe.  Livingston said to her; Ubangi?  She said; Ubetcha.

"While I was in Africa, I played cards with the natives."
"Zulus?"
"No, I won!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 17, 2013, 07:50:52 PM
"My wife's gone to the West Indies."
"Jamaica?"
"No, she went of her own free will."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on March 18, 2013, 12:45:29 AM
“I hear there’s some great fishing up in Alaska.”
“I’ve got an uncle who lives in Alaska, but I forget where.”
“Nome?”
“Of course I know ‘im!  He’s my uncle!”
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on March 18, 2013, 02:55:54 AM
I may not know what fear is...
Lies!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 18, 2013, 09:13:35 AM
"My wife's gone to the East Indies."
"Djakarta?"
"No, she went by boat."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 18, 2013, 10:24:35 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffreethoughtblogs.com%2Frodda%2Ffiles%2F2013%2F03%2F12.jpg&hash=61cdc9ee6d4018bdf094ce1d6b42259bf3259517)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on March 18, 2013, 04:25:56 PM
I REALLY hope these are true  ;D......


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)

__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from..
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 18, 2013, 05:34:23 PM
I may not know what fear is...
Lies!
Well, obviously!  ::) How could The Asmo make instilling fear in general population as efficient as He has without knowing what it is?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Davin on March 18, 2013, 09:03:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F49yALmd.jpg&hash=b44f2b01d26174870d4f0a13cb52b6a82f80e931)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on March 20, 2013, 01:54:44 AM
Perhaps this should go in the science section as it involves chemistry. In deference to out main science contributor, Tank, I will post it here.

The Amazon forest has a very strange bird that the indiginous people call a Foo bird.  The bird has exotic plumage that was once coveted by the milliners of high society Europe. These creatures are usually found around the Amazon river basin. Something about their diet and internal bacterial components causes them to have a particularly caustic excrement. In fact it is dangerously caustic and has a chemical constituent that reacts violently in the presence of oxygen and/or hydrogen.

Explorers learned of this during the early 1900s. Here is what happens. The birds very often have diahrhea and are obliged to eliminate frequently. They are upset by human presence and they like to poop on human intruders. The serious problem is that you must not wash off the mess from the Foo birds doings. The chemical composition when exposed to water, which is composed of hydrogen and oxygen, causes lasting and excruciating pain and almost invariably leaves serious and permanent scars.
.
.
.
.


In case any of you ever visit the rain forest be very wary of the bird. In the worst case scenario.......If the Foo shits wear it.
.
.
.
.
.
Uh Oh!  With such a horrible clinker, I might be banned from the forum.  :-[


Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 20, 2013, 11:33:18 AM
I've heard worse.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 22, 2013, 02:37:46 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F224785_456552297748828_1570904555_n.jpg&hash=194273093bde75b48a36a70d1b21cd24323e12ae)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 23, 2013, 02:30:31 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FATT1824b_zpsda208c35.jpg&hash=6acbf64ad479cf848458007468182d790b0d1a94)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on March 23, 2013, 06:48:10 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/384082_496352570422478_812009516_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: En_Route on March 23, 2013, 06:51:41 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/384082_496352570422478_812009516_n.jpg)

Just don't open a bank account there.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: MariaEvri on March 23, 2013, 06:56:20 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/384082_496352570422478_812009516_n.jpg)

reverse that for cyprus, but replace summer with rain
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 24, 2013, 02:31:20 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F72303_483500581715724_1339081856_n.jpg&hash=95a946d3c14ee0a671b6c954633899e5dea868a7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 24, 2013, 05:35:22 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F72303_483500581715724_1339081856_n.jpg&hash=95a946d3c14ee0a671b6c954633899e5dea868a7)

They turned him into Robocop.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 24, 2013, 08:04:08 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F72303_483500581715724_1339081856_n.jpg&hash=95a946d3c14ee0a671b6c954633899e5dea868a7)

They turned him into Robocop.
The heroic little mouse will rescue it, just you wait! The Power of Asmo is with it. (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.createblog.com%2Fforums%2Fstyle_emoticons%2Fdefault%2Fnod.gif&hash=a1cff5505588bed87b8abfb6f4b98cfdd1b8a0ab)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 24, 2013, 08:10:01 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FATT88b_zps023511cd.jpg&hash=de09c036b0df6f3ff13769723a63d4489bcb4754)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 24, 2013, 08:16:31 PM
You know, there are situations where that sign would make sense. But then, there are those where it would not. Context would have been appreciated.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on March 24, 2013, 09:04:38 PM
You know, there are situations where that sign would make sense. But then, there are those where it would not. Context would have been appreciated.

What situations? I've never seen a sign like that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 24, 2013, 09:08:09 PM
When it is positioned directly to the right of the path it is supposed to point to and it is obvious which path that is, in one instance. When it is to the left of the path it is supposed to point out or the path is not obvious in the other.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on March 25, 2013, 04:07:30 AM
More of a riddle than a joke, but judging by comments on Facebook 75% of people get the answer wrong.(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F482700_538018739571381_949139339_n.jpg&hash=effcf9aa1371a976dedc0bc318780e3562906799)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 25, 2013, 04:11:27 AM
More of a riddle than a joke, but judging by comments on Facebook 75% of people get the answer wrong.(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc7%2F482700_538018739571381_949139339_n.jpg&hash=effcf9aa1371a976dedc0bc318780e3562906799)

I'm terrible at maths...they could have added some parenthesis there for clarity.  ???

What's the solution?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 25, 2013, 04:12:49 AM
I'm terrible at maths...they could have added some parenthesis there for clarity.  ???
12. There are none needed. You evaluate multiplication first, then addition. It boils down to three rows of four ones (If you want to simplify it for yourself) with addition being the only operator, that gives rows*columns = 3*4 = 12.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on March 25, 2013, 04:15:30 AM
I'm terrible at maths...they could have added some parenthesis there for clarity.  ???
12. There are none needed. You evaluate multiplication first, then addition.

Exactly!!! You would think people would try plugging it into a calculator if they weren't sure. What's worse is how disparaging those who answered '1' were to the people who knew order of operations....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: xSilverPhinx on March 25, 2013, 04:18:47 AM
That's exactly what I wasn't sure about :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on March 25, 2013, 01:40:49 PM
I'm terrible at maths...they could have added some parenthesis there for clarity.  ???
12. There are none needed. You evaluate multiplication first, then addition. It boils down to three rows of four ones (If you want to simplify it for yourself) with addition being the only operator, that gives rows*columns = 3*4 = 12.

I bow deeply to the great Asmathean!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 26, 2013, 08:40:01 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F600266_10152208227310400_1437856244_n.jpg&hash=1797f4bccdde7406947dd8a628b7460b28e813cf)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 26, 2013, 08:55:51 AM
Yeah... Pink background and shit... The Asmo would be grumpy too.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on March 27, 2013, 10:35:09 PM
 JJ is messing with us.

The universally accepted order of operations goes like this. ......Bracket, Exponent, Multiply, Divide, Add, Subtract. The exception to this order is when an exponent occurs within the bracket then the exponent is dealt with before solving the bracket.  The english language mnemonic for MDAS is; "My Dear Aunt Sally".

Where no brackets (parenthesis) occurs in the example, we are instructed to add all the first eleven digits for a sum of eleven. The twelveth digit is multiplied by zero.  That kills that digit because any number multiplied by zero is zero. Now add the last digit (one) for a sum of 12 which is the correct answer if taken as displayed here.

Now! If the first eleven digits had been enclosed by a bracket and then multiplied by zero the result is zero and the only thing left is the last number one. ...Therefore the answer would be ONE.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on March 27, 2013, 10:43:40 PM
JJ is messing with us.

That's what I'm here for. ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 28, 2013, 12:07:11 AM
Uh... Division is multiplication and substraction is addition. In an evaluation tree, brackets define subtrees that have to be evaluated before their root regardless of what that root is, other than that, you evaluate exponents, multiply and then add.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on March 28, 2013, 06:51:53 AM
I was always taught BODMAS.... Brackets, Order, Division, Multiplication,  Addition,  Subtraction. So I would divide before multiplying which is different to your mdas.  ???
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on March 28, 2013, 07:10:13 AM
well having googled this I have learned something that I never appreciated before.  10-3+2 is actually 7 and not 5 as you think of the -3 as really adding negative 3. 
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on March 28, 2013, 08:23:34 AM
well having googled this I have learned something that I never appreciated before.  10-3+2 is actually 7 and not 5 as you think of the -3 as really adding negative 3. 
Uh... 9.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on March 28, 2013, 08:30:21 AM
well having googled this I have learned something that I never appreciated before.  10-3+2 is actually 7 and not 5 as you think of the -3 as really adding negative 3. 
Uh... 9.

yes I meant 9!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 28, 2013, 02:22:15 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fforum.thinkhumanism.com%2Fdownload%2Ffile.php%3Fid%3D160&hash=46a0d8bbc25ed2949115d0235ae0f04473a4e851)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 28, 2013, 02:33:14 PM
I was walking across a bridge the other day and saw a man about to jump.
I said, ‘Stop! Don’t do it.’
‘Why shouldn’t I?' he asked.
‘Well, are you a Christian?’ I asked.
He said: ‘Yes.’
I said, ‘Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?’
‘Protestant’.
‘Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?’
‘Baptist.’
‘Wow! Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?’
‘Baptist Church of God.’
‘Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?’
‘I’m Reformed Baptist Church of God.’
‘Amazing. Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?
He said, ‘Reformation of 1915.’
I said, ‘Die, heretic scum,’ and pushed him off the bridge….
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on March 30, 2013, 09:10:16 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F545284_10151330175266244_2121790653_n.jpg&hash=d58c820274f6913eeccacbb28792a8df0067f660)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on March 30, 2013, 01:52:22 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F545284_10151330175266244_2121790653_n.jpg&hash=d58c820274f6913eeccacbb28792a8df0067f660)

Aha!  The real reason the dinosaurs died off...
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on March 30, 2013, 11:42:49 PM

Jesus is walking along one day, when He comes upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. Its obvious that the crowd is preparing to stone her, so Jesus shields her body and cries out with a loud voice: "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone!"

The crowd is shamed by this revelation of their hypocrisy, and one by one they start to turn away. But all of a sudden, a lovely little woman is seen making her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she hefts a rock at the adulteress.

Jesus looks over, sighs, and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on March 31, 2013, 12:32:23 AM
^ I didn't see that coming, good one!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on March 31, 2013, 11:05:33 AM
^^ Good one!  Took me a moment to catch on.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 01, 2013, 08:03:54 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-snc6%2F165480_547804521909212_1276049257_n.jpg&hash=4c3b0260b991552b0925100f0a113fd74e4795f0)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 01, 2013, 02:26:36 PM
Outrage in Calvary as emergency services took three days to respond

Angry residents are demanding an immediate investigation into the case of a crucified man with serious injuries to his hands, feet and side who had to wait three days for paramedics to arrive on the scene.
Last seen out for a meal with his friends before being offered a lift ‘home’ by uniformed officials, the innocent victim of this so called religious hate crime has been named as one Jesus former resident of Bethlehem, Egypt, Nazareth and most recently Bethany. It is believed he had only just checked into a modest hotel in Jerusalem on a weekend city break with some mates having travelled the last part of his journey by donkey.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 01, 2013, 06:10:39 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F561406_511334502260076_787677147_n.jpg&hash=dafa5f61dfd9ec890525446d5741b6fc7a7eebd9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 02, 2013, 12:48:19 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F538136_337404199666962_1800714681_n.jpg&hash=8e7a0ec2a97d429503e8c68b392f4e10e901600a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 02, 2013, 12:49:11 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F539976_470589869680415_577638563_n.jpg&hash=dc54371c54ade91936d09aed39fff512d28b7312)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 03, 2013, 12:25:33 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mediafire.com%2Fconvkey%2F5fda%2F585y17m38by8p9u4g.jpg&hash=73831bda7456d3e93f6186c86a4f86a9c9a58f8d) (http://www.mediafire.com/view/?585y17m38by8p9u)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on April 03, 2013, 05:22:15 AM
^ Holy shit! It's true. :o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 03, 2013, 07:01:19 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mediafire.com%2Fconvkey%2F5fda%2F585y17m38by8p9u4g.jpg&hash=73831bda7456d3e93f6186c86a4f86a9c9a58f8d) (http://www.mediafire.com/view/?585y17m38by8p9u)
Holy fuck! It works!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 03, 2013, 07:11:28 AM
Why puill at your eyes rather than just sort of... Read it? It's just ye standard "3D" text, that.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 03, 2013, 08:29:09 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F2498_10151509829936730_1673687820_n.jpg&hash=f44133a23271c4840c8627d0107226470d930ad7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on April 03, 2013, 09:20:31 PM
dunno why... but that just hit my funny bone dead on!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 04, 2013, 12:56:03 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F529537_638522572843866_2114005319_n.jpg&hash=b2c852bfde2f569bda7837a7b05c309a4bcac2bb)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 04, 2013, 01:16:58 PM
Stolen from The Daily Mash (again):

PRINCE William and Kate Middleton’s new Sandringham home will have indoor hunting facilities.

A royal spokesman said: “The house contains a large forest full of traditional quarry such as stags, foxes and pheasants, as well as more exotic species like okapi for a bit of variety.

“Ducks, grouse and snipe will be tied to the ceiling of the master bedroom, allowing the couple to have a relaxing morning’s shooting from the comfort of their own bed.

“The royal baby’s bedroom will contain more modest prey, such as squirrels, which the baby will be able to pick off with an air pistol from its cot.”
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 05, 2013, 07:59:03 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F533896_523382461037276_60044160_n.png&hash=fabfdcc67370e0b937bc88261e14b0c8e57f6c12)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 05, 2013, 10:14:29 AM
^ Good one!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on April 06, 2013, 08:28:52 PM
Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. 'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'

'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South!


 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 06, 2013, 08:35:17 PM
Ha! Just shows how much effort you put into finding jokes! That just got posted on facebook!  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on April 06, 2013, 08:37:35 PM
Ha! Just shows how much effort you put into finding jokes! That just got posted on facebook!  :D

Because it's bloody brilliant!!!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 06, 2013, 10:37:28 PM
The couple had been married for twenty years. It was a happy, wonderful marriage, except that the wife was very unfaithful. The husband finally got so tired of her unfaithfulness that he made her promise to never again be untrue to him. One day he came home and found her in bed with a midget. He cried out, "My wife, my love, after you made all those promises, I find you in bed with another man, and a midget at that!" She replied, "My dearest husband, the love of my life, do you not believe me, do you not see, do you not understand? I am tapering off."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 08, 2013, 05:00:15 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F59232_630452323646865_831585063_n.jpg&hash=02b217d60fb0057dd5b47ab306e13e72cf283f10)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 08, 2013, 10:03:17 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FATTB11_zpse9a4d1bd.jpg&hash=38eb11f00e5f31da2390e7bb5d8082e4f16bf2ba)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on April 08, 2013, 10:10:19 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fstatic.fjcdn.com%2Fpictures%2FFrance_80f7e2_1274129.jpg&hash=c0e4bff8f89b7c08650151d04c09ee50b0894b87)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 08, 2013, 10:51:56 AM
^ Might well be true!  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 08, 2013, 11:02:56 AM
Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy." The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it." The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the cat."
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 08, 2013, 03:59:30 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2FATTB11_zpse9a4d1bd.jpg&hash=38eb11f00e5f31da2390e7bb5d8082e4f16bf2ba)
Buying.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 11, 2013, 07:54:45 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-c.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F561197_512977712095765_1226887398_n.jpg&hash=0b704d276f7fcf8d254dd1f11bbe8d59230c35eb)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 11, 2013, 11:33:46 AM
Don't get this one. A fat knight on a fat horse poling a fat, steaming dragon. Yes? Everyone seems to be doing exactly what they should..?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 11, 2013, 11:50:40 AM
I thought it was just me being too ancient to get the joke.  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on April 11, 2013, 04:40:33 PM
I thought it was just me being too ancient to get the joke.  ;D

Really? I thought it was you on the horse....
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 11, 2013, 05:18:03 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Ffsm_mooning.gif&hash=a866e8722ea82b341c246cda4c70a9b859c724a7)  (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Ffsm_mooning.gif&hash=a866e8722ea82b341c246cda4c70a9b859c724a7)  (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Ffsm_mooning.gif&hash=a866e8722ea82b341c246cda4c70a9b859c724a7)  (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Ffsm_mooning.gif&hash=a866e8722ea82b341c246cda4c70a9b859c724a7)  (https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Ffsm_mooning.gif&hash=a866e8722ea82b341c246cda4c70a9b859c724a7)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 12, 2013, 10:08:53 AM
Don't get this one. A fat knight on a fat horse poling a fat, steaming dragon. Yes? Everyone seems to be doing exactly what they should..?
The look of surprise on the Dragons face made me chortle  ;D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 12, 2013, 12:14:30 PM
Q. Why do Marxists drink herbal tea?
A. Because proper tea is theft.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on April 12, 2013, 10:42:33 PM
Stolen from facebook...

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/524016_464966046909589_1957399091_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 12, 2013, 10:47:06 PM
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on April 13, 2013, 01:36:17 AM
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.

You told that one already. :P
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 13, 2013, 11:25:10 AM
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.

You told that one already. :P
I did? Sorry.  :-\
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 13, 2013, 08:54:23 PM
Teacher: "Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?"

Little Johnny: Drin-king, smo-king, and fuc-king.

You told that one already. :P
I did? Sorry.  :-\
With 80 pages repetition is a requirement, not a problem.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 13, 2013, 08:54:32 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F14025_510648432330189_1185235222_n.jpg&hash=b945ae98fb40392196ed32aca7bce98b60f38e72)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 13, 2013, 11:40:18 PM
Trying again for something new:

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on April 16, 2013, 03:28:08 PM
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/548869_501067213273648_1782845803_n.png)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 16, 2013, 05:16:04 PM
Well, wouldn't that be something to look up to..?  :(

Here, we have crime-crime. People steal, rape, do a spot of murdering on occasion, pretty much everyone commits traffic offences on regular basis... Pretty sure it's the same in Canada as well. Except maybe for the imported hookers and drug dealers and those nasty-ass gypsy beggars, but I do not include them in the "people" cathegory.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on April 17, 2013, 12:32:08 AM
Well, wouldn't that be something to look up to..?  :(

Here, we have crime-crime. People steal, rape, do a spot of murdering on occasion, pretty much everyone commits traffic offences on regular basis... Pretty sure it's the same in Canada as well. Except maybe for the imported hookers and drug dealers and those nasty-ass gypsy beggars, but I do not include them in the "people" cathegory.

You mean slaves?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 17, 2013, 02:23:44 AM
Uh... What?  ??? Where do slaves fit in to what I'm talking about?

Even if they are doing what they do against their will, they should still be removed from all the nice streets.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Dobermonster on April 17, 2013, 08:11:21 AM
Well, wouldn't that be something to look up to..?  :(

Here, we have crime-crime. People steal, rape, do a spot of murdering on occasion, pretty much everyone commits traffic offences on regular basis... Pretty sure it's the same in Canada as well. Except maybe for the imported hookers and drug dealers and those nasty-ass gypsy beggars, but I do not include them in the "people" cathegory.

Don't think we have many imported hookers. Ours appear to be all home-grown Canadian Grade A (or B or C or F) prostitutes. Other than that, sounds about right. We have a fair chunk of hippies, but there are plenty of hosers to mess up our peace-lovin' groove with their grubby violence.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on April 17, 2013, 02:22:16 PM
Uh... What?  ??? Where do slaves fit in to what I'm talking about?

Even if they are doing what they do against their will, they should still be removed from all the nice streets.

Your street hookers aren't likely to be illegal immigrants usually smack heads but the majority of the illegal immigrants that are prostitutes are usually sex slaves as  authorities are all over your street hookers.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 17, 2013, 02:26:16 PM
Buying sex is the illegal thing, not selling. However, it is also illegal not to pay taxes, be in the country without legal permission and so on. And their methods of trying to get some customers are extremely annoying. They would be so even if those hookers were anywhere near attractive.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on April 19, 2013, 05:00:14 AM
Jeff Foxworthy said this about Indiana:
**If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Indiana.
**If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Indiana.
**If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Indiana.........
**If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Indiana.
**If "vacation" means going anywhere south of Fort Wayne for the weekend, you may live in Indiana.
**If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Indiana.
**If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Indiana.........
**If you have switched from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you may live in Indiana.........
**If you can drive 75 mph through two feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Indiana.
**If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Indiana.
**If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Indiana.
**If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Indiana.
**If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Indiana.
**If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Indiana.
**If you know all four seasons are: Almost winter, Winter, Still winter and Road Construction, you may live in Indiana.
**If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Indiana.
**If you find 10° "a little chilly", you may live in Indiana.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 19, 2013, 11:31:40 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F164274_10151372134316603_265656211_n.jpg&hash=01efcbacaee222a20466ef36e014a4cfcfb67439)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 19, 2013, 01:48:12 PM
Jeff Foxworthy said this about Indiana:
**If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Indiana.
**If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't even work there, you may live in Indiana.
**If you've worn shorts and a jacket at the same time, you may live in Indiana.........
**If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Indiana.
**If "vacation" means going anywhere south of Fort Wayne for the weekend, you may live in Indiana.
**If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Indiana.
**If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Indiana.........
**If you have switched from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you may live in Indiana.........
**If you can drive 75 mph through two feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Indiana.
**If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both doors unlocked, you may live in Indiana.
**If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Indiana.
**If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Indiana.
**If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph, you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Indiana.
**If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Indiana.
**If you know all four seasons are: Almost winter, Winter, Still winter and Road Construction, you may live in Indiana.
**If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Indiana.
**If you find 10° "a little chilly", you may live in Indiana.

Indiana is apparently a lot like Norway in some cases.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on April 19, 2013, 02:04:16 PM
Except more flat and boring.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on April 19, 2013, 05:23:54 PM
Also, if we do 75 mph in described weather conditions, a policeman will come and... Well, scrape our brains off some random tree, really. Our roads have bends, you see. And at those speeds, no car-driver combo can do those well on regular winter rubbies.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on April 19, 2013, 06:57:55 PM
Also, if we do 75 mph in described weather conditions, a policeman will come and... Well, scrape our brains off some random tree, really. Our roads have bends, you see. And at those speeds, no car-driver combo can do those well on regular winter rubbies.
We don't need bends. We lack hills!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 20, 2013, 06:14:30 PM
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs Smith fainted.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on April 20, 2013, 07:40:25 PM
OldGit for the win!  Loved it!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on April 20, 2013, 09:12:22 PM
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/417910_143467409173546_1098177431_n.jpg)
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs Smith fainted.
:D :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on April 20, 2013, 11:40:55 PM
^^^ Me too. I nominate Old Git for the win. He's a dirty old man isn't he?  (grin)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 21, 2013, 10:05:24 AM
Thank you, folks.

Quote from: Icarus
He's a dirty old man isn't he?  (grin)

Compliments!  I love it.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 21, 2013, 04:41:45 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F562341_464410990295277_1608116161_n.jpg&hash=9d6366a2c99219db624e1de6222406410b2d499a)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 21, 2013, 04:48:55 PM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.  She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 21, 2013, 04:52:43 PM
 :D Are you getting these from 'The Carry On Joke Book.'?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Guardian85 on April 21, 2013, 05:55:48 PM
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 22, 2013, 09:16:00 AM
^  Brilliant! ;D


Quote from: Tank
:D Are you getting these from 'The Carry On Joke Book.'?

I am stealing them, of course, but not from there.    ;)

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 22, 2013, 01:19:08 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F562371_537934896257436_1641377510_n.jpg&hash=c7148b99aa69b899510b4f96a7295b289e441d43)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Crow on April 22, 2013, 02:59:06 PM
Bushwhacked (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FSpQLsUmVQ)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 23, 2013, 02:31:41 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-frc1%2Fp480x480%2F425815_10151814830977892_31300680_n.jpg&hash=622de17ab5ad721694a9747d44a657b9ccb10cd6)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on April 23, 2013, 02:46:44 PM
^See, I love that photo, and if it were me I'd commission a painting of a doctor hedgehog to proudly display by my office.  I have a friend who'd paint it for me.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 26, 2013, 11:35:26 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F305778_487081161365931_1883883755_n.jpg&hash=91c8cb6031eda74102228db4abb08e872c0730ff)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 28, 2013, 07:54:04 AM
So true!!!

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F11955_503736433006726_1299947595_n.jpg&hash=f3ade7808c1e52d541499a6d8f417b1e9f80bc8b)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on April 29, 2013, 06:58:14 AM
Tank, the stupid dipshit with the backward hat must surely be an American. We have unimaginably dumb fashions here. Backward caps are de riguer. Among the worst offenders are young boys or infantile men who deliberately, fashionably, and opposed to any vestige of common sense, wear their pants with the belt lines below their buttocks. Their underpants are often garishly decorated or colored. The object is apparently to display their taste in underwear. The dumb bastards have not enough sense to wear suspenders and the result is that they have to hold their pants up with one or both hands. To see them walk is to see a clownish gait. Let us hope that the Brit kids have not embraced that kind of absurd exhibitionism.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on April 29, 2013, 07:25:42 AM
I've seen photos the fashion you speak off. I'm sure they'll be some UK kids that will try it, but I've not seen any in the flesh.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Willow on April 29, 2013, 06:22:18 PM
Tee hee hee, suspenders means something a bit different here.  Braces hold up your trousers, suspenders hold up your silk stockings.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on April 30, 2013, 01:40:09 PM
Quote from: Willow
Tee hee hee, suspenders means something a bit different here.  Braces hold up our trousers, suspenders hold up your pants.

FTFY, Willow!   ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on April 30, 2013, 11:27:35 PM
Thanks Willow. Suspenders in American speak also have an equivalent in hill billy speak. The HB word is gallusses.  Whenever I am in merry old England I will be careful to wear my braces, not suspenders or gallusses.  The ladies used to hold up their hosiery with garters. A ladies undergarmet ,or under pants, used to be called "step ins". Language is fun but it is also fraught with danger when in unfamiliar social circles.

Git, my mental acuity is suffering today. What the hell is FTFY?  Is that a private Brit acronym?.....I am consulting my little pocket sized texting dictionary... Hmmmm, I find FTTB= for the time being, FTL= faster than light, FTBOMH= from the bottom of my heart, FTLOG= for the love of god..... and so on. Damned kids have invented a whole new language with which to baffle hopeless geriatric cases like me. (TISNF = this is so not fair)  :'(

It appears that you are onto them and they'll not defeat you with simplistic alphabetic jargon.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 01, 2013, 07:21:12 AM
...

Git, my mental acuity is suffering today. What the hell is FTFY?  Is that a private Brit acronym?.....I am consulting my little pocket sized texting dictionary... Hmmmm, I find FTTB= for the time being, FTL= faster than light, FTBOMH= from the bottom of my heart, FTLOG= for the love of god..... and so on. Damned kids have invented a whole new language with which to baffle hopeless geriatric cases like me. (TISNF = this is so not fair)  :'(

It appears that you are onto them and they'll not defeat you with simplistic alphabetic jargon.
OG changed Willow's post in the quote and the FTFY=Fixed That For You.

Also FYI (http://www.gaarde.org/acronyms/)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 01, 2013, 08:15:04 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-h.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F947367_10151554537911730_339723966_n.jpg&hash=7e5c8b73381453659ef2f31b54dfeeb0c1f8318c)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 01, 2013, 02:25:31 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpx6.streetfire.net%2F0001%2F62%2F96%2F1282669_600.jpg&hash=8a82d73c1fead12138b0b397e4e2afbd25f848a1)

Airbag problems, no doubt.  :)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 01, 2013, 06:47:30 PM
No, I believe the only thing in there on that particular car is the horn.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on May 01, 2013, 07:31:08 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpx6.streetfire.net%2F0001%2F62%2F96%2F1282669_600.jpg&hash=8a82d73c1fead12138b0b397e4e2afbd25f848a1)

Airbag problems, no doubt.  :)


Holy cow, Batman!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Buddy on May 01, 2013, 07:34:04 PM
My back hurts just looking at her chest.  :o
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 01, 2013, 11:51:41 PM
why would anyone ever want boobs that big!?!?
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: NoHandlebarsAttached on May 02, 2013, 02:26:44 AM
(https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/941250_654643374553143_1295434909_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on May 02, 2013, 03:13:31 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpx6.streetfire.net%2F0001%2F62%2F96%2F1282669_600.jpg&hash=8a82d73c1fead12138b0b397e4e2afbd25f848a1)

Airbag problems, no doubt.  :)


Holy sweater cows, Batman!

FTFY  ;)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 02, 2013, 04:44:44 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-d.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F282382_481405488599257_1524289843_n.jpg&hash=431685ffde11e9a1553a1e8165bcb3cfb9e85633)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 02, 2013, 04:45:18 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F225606_481095091963630_1672414574_n.jpg&hash=dffdb9c8c9f9951a8942649265b3527cf16a1f74)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 03, 2013, 10:39:36 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-e.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash4%2F301914_596336817057751_1954494948_n.jpg&hash=fed16fde25a3c9e2913cd45fb26001ada432b260)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: OldGit on May 03, 2013, 10:46:00 AM


ORGANISATIONAL CHART(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Fshitflow_zps38911179.jpg&hash=231bde364f9dd13ddc1c443cf96c143583aa97a5) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/shitflow_zps38911179.jpg.html)

When top level guys look down, they see only shitheads; When bottom level guys look up, they see only assholes.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Niya on May 03, 2013, 12:52:58 PM


ORGANISATIONAL CHART(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi647.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fuu198%2FRamblingSyd%2Fshitflow_zps38911179.jpg&hash=231bde364f9dd13ddc1c443cf96c143583aa97a5) (http://s647.photobucket.com/user/RamblingSyd/media/shitflow_zps38911179.jpg.html)

When top level guys look down, they see only shitheads; When bottom level guys look up, they see only assholes.
Hahahaha...nice one git. :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Asmodean on May 03, 2013, 05:20:20 PM
And so all is as it should be.  :D
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 04, 2013, 07:51:06 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-g.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F936387_487577284647329_1573101282_n.jpg&hash=389d9392af4befbd663c24381af9885713e6a726)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on May 04, 2013, 10:09:11 PM
Not directly a joke, I guess, but I laughed.

(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-f.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-ash3%2F922926_10151402357662227_161660847_n.jpg&hash=f91834a950a6d99549377c64692cde7b8c7ba88e)

Also I want it in poster form.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: jumbojak on May 04, 2013, 10:16:53 PM
Also I want it in poster form.

As do I.
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: joeactor on May 05, 2013, 01:04:54 AM
Also I want it in poster form.
As do I.

Three, sir, three!
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Icarus on May 05, 2013, 06:24:57 AM
One for my collection makes it FOUR.

Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Pasta Chick on May 05, 2013, 08:13:00 PM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ash3%2F944273_415064588592261_221558741_n.jpg&hash=814b33235fd7dc2716e448d5dcddd86e7704a374)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Tank on May 07, 2013, 06:22:11 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F945585_10151564926176730_1301903058_n.jpg&hash=292da5d19024bdf19a9926cd0b8e9906386a68e9)
Title: Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
Post by: Claireliontamer on May 07, 2013, 06:26:01 AM
(https://www.happyatheistforum.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.ak.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ak-prn1%2F945585_10151564926176730_1301903058_n.jpg&hash=292da5d19024bdf19a9926cd0b8e9906386a68e9)