Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Guardian85]

If I had a band to play with I might take that gig. Food, drink and bridesmaids to chase? Could be fun.

[Tank]

[Magdalena]

^ ^ ^
Cute. 

[Tank]

[OldGit]

[Tank]

It might take a couple of seconds to work this one out!

[Essie Mae]

ROFL    ROFL    ROFL!!! x

[Asmodean]

The slippered-looking foot, yes?  

[Biggus Dickus]

So little Johnny was getting under his mother skin, running around the house, making noises, yelling and screaming until his mother couldn't take it any more, and she yelled at him to go outside and play.
Johnny: There's nothing to do outside.
Mom: Why don't you go across the street and watch the men who are building the new house, I'm sure that will be fun.
Johnny: Fine

So Johnny sulks his way outside, but to the surprise of his mom he ends up staying across the street the entire afternoon. A bit worried that he may be getting into trouble she peeks out the window, but again to her surprise she sees her boy not only talking with the construction workers, but even helping out a little.

Later when little Johnny comes home she greets him at the door, and can tell from the expression on his face that he really enjoyed himself with the construction workers.

Mom: Wow, you must have had a lot of fun over there you spent the entire afternoon with them.

Johhny: Oh mom it was great and thanks so much for suggesting I go over there and hang out, I had the best time ever. When I grow up I want to be a construction worker just like them.

Mom: That's nice honey, did you learn anything?

Johnny: You bet Mom!  Like you go to hang the fucking door, but the son of bitch doesn't fit so you have to take it down, and you plane a bit off the fucking button, but it still won't fit so you take it down again, plane just a cunt hair off from it ,and finally the mother-fucking door fits!

Mom: OMG Johnny, what horrible language. You go upstairs and just wait until your father gets home, boy are you going to get it.

So poor Johnny sulks his way upstairs, and waits until his father gets home. When the dad arrives Johnny can hear his mother yelling and screaming about the language he used and he waits while his father slowly makes his way up the stairs and into Johnny's room.

Dad: Well son, do you mind explaining to me what happened and why your mother is so upset with you?

Johhny: Sure Dad, it's not that big of a deal you see you go to hang the fucking door, but the son of bitch doesn't fit so you have to take it down and you plane a bit off the fucking bottom, but it still won't fit so you take it down again,  plane just a cunt hair off from it, and finally the mother-fucking door fits!

Dad: I can't believe what I'm hearing from you Johnny, you know that type of language is not allowed in this house. You go outside right now and get a switch and bring it inside so I can tan your backside with it.

Johnny: Fuck you! I'm not getting the switch that's the fucking electricians job!

[OldGit]

^ LOL

[Pasta Chick]

[Biggus Dickus]

^^^ I love that

So Jimmy is walking slowly down the street, and his face long and full of despair when he passes by the local preacher, who stops Jimmy and says:

Preacher: Hey Jimmy why the long face?
Jimmy:  Hello Father, well I'm not doing well. You see I just bought a brand new bicycle and it was stolen, and I don't have the money right now to get a new one and it's the only way I have to get to work, so if I don't get my bike back I'll probably lose my job.

Preacher: Here's what I want you to do Jimmy, you believe in Jesus Christ don't you?
Jimmy: Why yes of course Father I believe in Jesus.
Preacher: You accept him as your savior don't you?
Jimmy: Yes Father I accept Jesus as my lord and savior.
Preacher: So I want you to get down on your knees for Jesus can you do that Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father I can get down on my knees for Jesus.
Preacher:  I want you to pray to Jesus, can you do that Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father I can get down on my knees and pray to Jesus.
Preacher: And I want you to ask Jesus to forgive your wicked ways, can you do that Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father I can get down on my knees and say a prayer to Jesus and ask him to forgive me for my wickedness.
Preacher: And then I want you to recite the 10 commandments, you do know the 10 commandments don't you Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Father, I know the 10 commandments, and I'll get down on my knees and pray to Jesus, and ask him to forgive me for my wickedness, and than recite the 10 commandments.
Preacher: When you get to that part of the 10 commandments where it say's, "And thou shall not steal" do you know what is going to happen Jimmy?
Jimmy: No Father I don't.
Preacher: The person who stole your bicycle is going to feel so guilty and ashamed for stealing your brand new bicycle they are going to return it to you. So what are you going to do Jimmy?
Jimmy: I'm going to get down on my knees, and pray to the Lord Jesus my Savior, and I ask him to forgive my wicked ways, and than I'm going to recite the 10 commandments and when I gets to the part about, "Thou shall not Steal," the thief is going to feel so guilty and ashamed he is going to return my bike to me.
Preacher: Now you go on home and do this Jimmy, and a miracle will happen!
Jimmy: Yes Father I will, thank you.

A couple days go by and the Preacher is out walking and he sees Jimmy on his way home from work riding his new bike, and says:

Preacher: Jimmy, praise the Lord I see your bike was returned!
Jimmy: Yes Father it sure was, it was a miracle just like you said.

Preacher: So how did it happen Jimmy?
Jimmy: I did just like you told me Father. I got down on my knees, and prayed to the Lord Jesus my Savior, and I asked him to forgive my wicked ways, and than I recited the 10 commandments just like you told me, and when I got to the part about "Thou shall not commit adultery," I remembered where I'd left my bicycle!

[Icarus]

^ LOL

[Tank]

[Guardian85]