Gloucester's chat thread

[Magdalena]

I think this is the perfect place for this:

http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/twas-the-night-monologue/n12380
MONOLOGUE: JOHN MALKOVICH READS 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS




I'm sorry, too much vino....

Where is Dragonia, anyways!?

[Arturo]

I think this is the perfect place for this:

http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/twas-the-night-monologue/n12380
MONOLOGUE: JOHN MALKOVICH READS 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS




I'm sorry, too much vino....

Where is Dragonia, anyways!?

I don't know, I made the video about fighting just for her and I don't even know what she thinks of it..

[Magdalena]

I was just thinking...

Maybe we should move this back to Introductions. It contains Gloucester's intro. 



Memories...


~Good memories.

[Biggus Dickus]

When I first saw this thread I thought it said "Glowchester's Kat Thread" and I was like, ugh...

[Dave]

When I first saw this thread I thought it said "Glowchester's Kat Thread" and I was like, ugh...

And why should I not have a kat thread?

Name me 256 things wrong with kats!

[Biggus Dickus]

When I first saw this thread I thought it said "Glowchester's Kat Thread" and I was like, ugh...

And why should I not have a kat thread?

Name me 256 things wrong with kats!

i'll begin with these 13, and we can work our way up from here if needed.

[spoiler]1. The reason you even like kats in the first place is because of a parasite in your brain Your brain is home to millions of protozoa, but one in particular, called Toxoplasma gondii, manipulates your behavior to force you to like kats. This parasite, which lives in 30 to 50 percent of the world's human brains, can only reproduce in the digestive tracts of kats. And, like many living things, it wants to continue surviving, so it has to continue reproducing. But if it lives in human brains, how can it reproduce? Enter kats. Scientists studied the behavior of T. gondii  in the brain of a rodent, an animal normally petrified by kats, and uncovered extraordinary results. T. gondii manipulated a rodent's brain to remove the rodent's fear of kats, slow the rodent's reaction time, and made the rodent attracted to the smell of kat piss. Now, the newly-brave, manipulated rat thinks it can befriend its mortal enemy, and it can't. The rat still gets eaten. As Vice put it: "The fact that a parasite has learned to sneak into brains, hack some biochemical wiring, and effectively reverse a deep-seated, primordial fear that's been beaten into the inherited psyche of every living rodent is, in a word, bonkers." Yes. Yes it is. And T. gondii does the same to you. It deludes you into loving kats.

2. kats who cuddle with you don't actually love you You might think your kat is your only friend while you're alone on a Saturday night watching Netflix, but he actually likes you as much as every crush you've ever had does: not at all. Your kat rubbing up against you has nothing to do with his affection for you. kats have a great sense of smell, so your kat is secreting his scent onto you so no other kats will come near you. When he snuggles his body against yours, all he's saying is that he owns you. You are his property. His minion. Your relationship is emotionally abusive, and you didn't even know it.   

3. The way kats do show their love is really creepy OK, sure, kats can love you (No they can't). But they let you know by giving you a blank stare, and then blinking at you. That's it. That's affection. The "kitty kiss" relays certain information about how the kat is feeling. If the kat blinks at you, it's a good thing, but if he doesn't, he's asserting his dominance and potentially feeling aggressive. If the kat stares at you for too long, he's telling you to go away. All of these subtle movements could be hard to catch if you're not watching closely enough — which you can't do because staring in a kat's eyes for too long could prompt an attack. Such mixed signals.   

4. If you are alone with your kat and you die, it will fucking eat you immediately. After a Romanian woman died in 2008, her kat ate her entire corpse. People who live alone and own a kat, beware: If you die by yourself in your house, nobody will know right away, so your body will stay there for several days. Because you are no longer alive, nobody will be around to feed your kat. It will go hungry. According to a phenomenon called "postmortem predation," a kat will eat your dead body one or two days after you die. It doesn't matter how great of an owner you were. You are now food. Studies have shown that a dog struck with this phenomenon will at least wait a while before attacking your corpse, so it's possible that someone will have found you by the time the dog realizes he's starving. But your kat? He's an impatient, merciless savage. Don't feel so safe living alone with your kat now, huh?

5. Kats don't like sweet things, which means they don't like dessert, and everyone knows you can't trust a dessert-hater All mammals have the required number of taste receptors to detect sweetness. Kats, however, do not. They lack amino acid pairs that make up the DNA of a gene called Tas1r2 that codes for an ability to taste sweet things like cupcakes. Who doesn't like cupcakes? Monsters. Like kats. Instead, kats love the flavor of adenosine triphosphate (ATP), a compound that supplies energy in all living cells and acts as a signal for meat. Humans cannot detect or taste ATP, so our drive to devour living things is way less than a kat's drive. Which makes sense because kats are the most vicious of cold-blooded killers.

6. Kats kill a hell of a lot of innocent animals for literally no reason, kats are natural-born hunters. A 2013 study revealed that each year, domestic kats kill 20.7 billion smaller animals, including mice, chipmunks, voles and 3.7 billion birds. Kats are actually the number one killer of these animals. Kats spend one-third of their day just killing animals, and they don't even do it because they're hungry. They do it because they feel like it. They murder just to murder, like the genocidal barbarians that they are.   

7. Kats are irritating show-offs. Kats know they're good at hunting. Many of you probably find it "cute" when they bring their prey to your house and leave it at your doorstep. But your kat didn't bring you that dead mouse as a present because he loves you. He brought it because he knows you wouldn't be able to hunt for it yourself. He's telling you you're inadequate at something you didn't even know you could be inadequate at. Like an asshole.   

8. Kat poop could give you a fatal disease Remember that T. gondii parasite? Normally, it doesn't do anything to harm those humans whose brains it calls home (well, except make you love kats) because your immune system knows how to handle it. However, for those people whose immune systems can't handle it, exposure to the parasite can cause a disease called toxoplasmosis. It can either give you mild flu-like symptoms, mental disorders like schizophrenia and depression, or kill you. Feline feces are true safe havens for T. gondii, so you can contract toxoplasmosis by cleaning up your kat's sh*t. Have I convinced you how terrible they are yet?   

9. Kats' purrs are manipulative. While your kat knows how "precious" his little purrs are, he also knows that they're manipulative. Scientists studied how humans responded to kat purrs mixed with a high-pitched cry. Normally, kats just purr, but when they need something important, they include a specific kind of cry with their purr. Kats know how sensitive we are to the needs of human babies who also cry, so they try to trick us into paying attention to them by wailing like children. We fall for it every time. In the study, human owners felt a higher sense of urgency in a situation when kat's purring included crying. Kats have taken what weakens us to our cores and used it to control us.   

10. Kats are fucking stupid losers. Kats are loners. They normally thrive in solitary conditions, so their brains haven't needed to develop the tools to adapt to social environments. The brains of more social animals, like dogs, have had to grow over time to adequately learn how to socialize. So, social brains — jam-packed with awesome friend-making abilities — are bigger than kat brains. Looks like kats are losers and pea-brained, which means stupid.   

11. You know how when you like someone, you're attracted to his scent? Well, kats hate your scent. Imagine that you have a boyfriend or girlfriend who you love. I know you don't, because you are a single girl or boy who loves kats, but just imagine. Imagine you sleep at their apartment, on their pillow, and imagine how cologne/perfume-y and delicious that pillow smells. Now, imagine waking up the next morning and going home still smelling like that pillow. You probably don't want to wash that scent off, right? Well, there's a reason why kats are always licking themselves, and it's not to clean up. It's to rid themselves of human scent. Kats don't like your scent. This means they don't like you.   

12. Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, Father Bruno, Audrey Hepburn, Marlon Brando, and Marilyn Monroe were all afraid of kats. All of these people are said to have suffered from ailurophobia, the fear of kats.

13. KATS ARE EVIL AND SUCK OUT YOUR SOUL AT NIGHT WHILE YOU SLEEP. THEY ALONG WITH NUNS POPULATE AND RUN HELL FOR SATAN.

[Magdalena]

When I first saw this thread I thought it said "Glowchester's Kat Thread" and I was like, ugh...

And why should I not have a kat thread?

Name me 256 things wrong with kats!

Gloucester...
Don't ask Father Bruno that!

He can easily name you 300 things wrong with kats! 

[Magdalena]

I told you! 

[Biggus Dickus]

When I first saw this thread I thought it said "Glowchester's Kat Thread" and I was like, ugh...

And why should I not have a kat thread?

Name me 256 things wrong with kats!

Gloucester...
Don't ask Father Bruno that!

He can easily name you 300 things wrong with kats! 

[Magdalena]

When I first saw this thread I thought it said "Glowchester's Kat Thread" and I was like, ugh...

And why should I not have a kat thread?

Name me 256 things wrong with kats!

Gloucester...
Don't ask Father Bruno that!

He can easily name you 300 things wrong with kats! 

[Icarus]

That outburst about kats was inspired Bruno. But beware. Some of out kitty loving members are going to  , at least virtually, emasculate you. I think that Books is too sophisticated a lady to rip your eyes out but one never knows. 

[Magdalena]

i'll begin with these 13, and we can work our way up from here if needed.

[spoiler]1. The reason you even like kats in the first place is because of a parasite in your brain Your brain is home to millions of protozoa, but one in particular, called Toxoplasma gondii, manipulates your behavior to force you to like kats. This parasite, which lives in 30 to 50 percent of the world's human brains, can only reproduce in the digestive tracts of kats. And, like many living things, it wants to continue surviving, so it has to continue reproducing. But if it lives in human brains, how can it reproduce? Enter kats. Scientists studied the behavior of T. gondii  in the brain of a rodent, an animal normally petrified by kats, and uncovered extraordinary results. T. gondii manipulated a rodent's brain to remove the rodent's fear of kats, slow the rodent's reaction time, and made the rodent attracted to the smell of kat piss. Now, the newly-brave, manipulated rat thinks it can befriend its mortal enemy, and it can't. The rat still gets eaten. As Vice put it: "The fact that a parasite has learned to sneak into brains, hack some biochemical wiring, and effectively reverse a deep-seated, primordial fear that's been beaten into the inherited psyche of every living rodent is, in a word, bonkers." Yes. Yes it is. And T. gondii does the same to you. It deludes you into loving kats.

2. kats who cuddle with you don't actually love you You might think your kat is your only friend while you're alone on a Saturday night watching Netflix, but he actually likes you as much as every crush you've ever had does: not at all. Your kat rubbing up against you has nothing to do with his affection for you. kats have a great sense of smell, so your kat is secreting his scent onto you so no other kats will come near you. When he snuggles his body against yours, all he's saying is that he owns you. You are his property. His minion. Your relationship is emotionally abusive, and you didn't even know it.   

3. The way kats do show their love is really creepy OK, sure, kats can love you (No they can't). But they let you know by giving you a blank stare, and then blinking at you. That's it. That's affection. The "kitty kiss" relays certain information about how the kat is feeling. If the kat blinks at you, it's a good thing, but if he doesn't, he's asserting his dominance and potentially feeling aggressive. If the kat stares at you for too long, he's telling you to go away. All of these subtle movements could be hard to catch if you're not watching closely enough — which you can't do because staring in a kat's eyes for too long could prompt an attack. Such mixed signals.   

4. If you are alone with your kat and you die, it will fucking eat you immediately. After a Romanian woman died in 2008, her kat ate her entire corpse. People who live alone and own a kat, beware: If you die by yourself in your house, nobody will know right away, so your body will stay there for several days. Because you are no longer alive, nobody will be around to feed your kat. It will go hungry. According to a phenomenon called "postmortem predation," a kat will eat your dead body one or two days after you die. It doesn't matter how great of an owner you were. You are now food. Studies have shown that a dog struck with this phenomenon will at least wait a while before attacking your corpse, so it's possible that someone will have found you by the time the dog realizes he's starving. But your kat? He's an impatient, merciless savage. Don't feel so safe living alone with your kat now, huh?

5. Kats don't like sweet things, which means they don't like dessert, and everyone knows you can't trust a dessert-hater All mammals have the required number of taste receptors to detect sweetness. Kats, however, do not. They lack amino acid pairs that make up the DNA of a gene called Tas1r2 that codes for an ability to taste sweet things like cupcakes. Who doesn't like cupcakes? Monsters. Like kats. Instead, kats love the flavor of adenosine triphosphate (ATP), a compound that supplies energy in all living cells and acts as a signal for meat. Humans cannot detect or taste ATP, so our drive to devour living things is way less than a kat's drive. Which makes sense because kats are the most vicious of cold-blooded killers.

6. Kats kill a hell of a lot of innocent animals for literally no reason, kats are natural-born hunters. A 2013 study revealed that each year, domestic kats kill 20.7 billion smaller animals, including mice, chipmunks, voles and 3.7 billion birds. Kats are actually the number one killer of these animals. Kats spend one-third of their day just killing animals, and they don't even do it because they're hungry. They do it because they feel like it. They murder just to murder, like the genocidal barbarians that they are.   

7. Kats are irritating show-offs. Kats know they're good at hunting. Many of you probably find it "cute" when they bring their prey to your house and leave it at your doorstep. But your kat didn't bring you that dead mouse as a present because he loves you. He brought it because he knows you wouldn't be able to hunt for it yourself. He's telling you you're inadequate at something you didn't even know you could be inadequate at. Like an asshole.   

8. Kat poop could give you a fatal disease Remember that T. gondii parasite? Normally, it doesn't do anything to harm those humans whose brains it calls home (well, except make you love kats) because your immune system knows how to handle it. However, for those people whose immune systems can't handle it, exposure to the parasite can cause a disease called toxoplasmosis. It can either give you mild flu-like symptoms, mental disorders like schizophrenia and depression, or kill you. Feline feces are true safe havens for T. gondii, so you can contract toxoplasmosis by cleaning up your kat's sh*t. Have I convinced you how terrible they are yet?   

9. Kats' purrs are manipulative. While your kat knows how "precious" his little purrs are, he also knows that they're manipulative. Scientists studied how humans responded to kat purrs mixed with a high-pitched cry. Normally, kats just purr, but when they need something important, they include a specific kind of cry with their purr. Kats know how sensitive we are to the needs of human babies who also cry, so they try to trick us into paying attention to them by wailing like children. We fall for it every time. In the study, human owners felt a higher sense of urgency in a situation when kat's purring included crying. Kats have taken what weakens us to our cores and used it to control us.   

10. Kats are fucking stupid losers. Kats are loners. They normally thrive in solitary conditions, so their brains haven't needed to develop the tools to adapt to social environments. The brains of more social animals, like dogs, have had to grow over time to adequately learn how to socialize. So, social brains — jam-packed with awesome friend-making abilities — are bigger than kat brains. Looks like kats are losers and pea-brained, which means stupid.   

11. You know how when you like someone, you're attracted to his scent? Well, kats hate your scent. Imagine that you have a boyfriend or girlfriend who you love. I know you don't, because you are a single girl or boy who loves kats, but just imagine. Imagine you sleep at their apartment, on their pillow, and imagine how cologne/perfume-y and delicious that pillow smells. Now, imagine waking up the next morning and going home still smelling like that pillow. You probably don't want to wash that scent off, right? Well, there's a reason why kats are always licking themselves, and it's not to clean up. It's to rid themselves of human scent. Kats don't like your scent. This means they don't like you.   

12. Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, Father Bruno, Audrey Hepburn, Marlon Brando, and Marilyn Monroe were all afraid of kats. All of these people are said to have suffered from ailurophobia, the fear of kats.

13. KATS ARE EVIL AND SUCK OUT YOUR SOUL AT NIGHT WHILE YOU SLEEP. THEY ALONG WITH NUNS POPULATE AND RUN HELL FOR SATAN.

Wow!
[spoiler]As much as I love cats, I must say...That was brilliant. 
[/spoiler]
For you, my dear Farther Bruno.
[spoiler]

[/spoiler]

[Dave]

I'll add my wow and my vote for FB to be voted "Katophobe of the year"!

[Biggus Dickus]

i'll begin with these 13, and we can work our way up from here if needed.

[spoiler]1. The reason you even like kats in the first place is because of a parasite in your brain Your brain is home to millions of protozoa, but one in particular, called Toxoplasma gondii, manipulates your behavior to force you to like kats. This parasite, which lives in 30 to 50 percent of the world's human brains, can only reproduce in the digestive tracts of kats. And, like many living things, it wants to continue surviving, so it has to continue reproducing. But if it lives in human brains, how can it reproduce? Enter kats. Scientists studied the behavior of T. gondii  in the brain of a rodent, an animal normally petrified by kats, and uncovered extraordinary results. T. gondii manipulated a rodent's brain to remove the rodent's fear of kats, slow the rodent's reaction time, and made the rodent attracted to the smell of kat piss. Now, the newly-brave, manipulated rat thinks it can befriend its mortal enemy, and it can't. The rat still gets eaten. As Vice put it: "The fact that a parasite has learned to sneak into brains, hack some biochemical wiring, and effectively reverse a deep-seated, primordial fear that's been beaten into the inherited psyche of every living rodent is, in a word, bonkers." Yes. Yes it is. And T. gondii does the same to you. It deludes you into loving kats.

2. kats who cuddle with you don't actually love you You might think your kat is your only friend while you're alone on a Saturday night watching Netflix, but he actually likes you as much as every crush you've ever had does: not at all. Your kat rubbing up against you has nothing to do with his affection for you. kats have a great sense of smell, so your kat is secreting his scent onto you so no other kats will come near you. When he snuggles his body against yours, all he's saying is that he owns you. You are his property. His minion. Your relationship is emotionally abusive, and you didn't even know it.   

3. The way kats do show their love is really creepy OK, sure, kats can love you (No they can't). But they let you know by giving you a blank stare, and then blinking at you. That's it. That's affection. The "kitty kiss" relays certain information about how the kat is feeling. If the kat blinks at you, it's a good thing, but if he doesn't, he's asserting his dominance and potentially feeling aggressive. If the kat stares at you for too long, he's telling you to go away. All of these subtle movements could be hard to catch if you're not watching closely enough — which you can't do because staring in a kat's eyes for too long could prompt an attack. Such mixed signals.   

4. If you are alone with your kat and you die, it will fucking eat you immediately. After a Romanian woman died in 2008, her kat ate her entire corpse. People who live alone and own a kat, beware: If you die by yourself in your house, nobody will know right away, so your body will stay there for several days. Because you are no longer alive, nobody will be around to feed your kat. It will go hungry. According to a phenomenon called "postmortem predation," a kat will eat your dead body one or two days after you die. It doesn't matter how great of an owner you were. You are now food. Studies have shown that a dog struck with this phenomenon will at least wait a while before attacking your corpse, so it's possible that someone will have found you by the time the dog realizes he's starving. But your kat? He's an impatient, merciless savage. Don't feel so safe living alone with your kat now, huh?

5. Kats don't like sweet things, which means they don't like dessert, and everyone knows you can't trust a dessert-hater All mammals have the required number of taste receptors to detect sweetness. Kats, however, do not. They lack amino acid pairs that make up the DNA of a gene called Tas1r2 that codes for an ability to taste sweet things like cupcakes. Who doesn't like cupcakes? Monsters. Like kats. Instead, kats love the flavor of adenosine triphosphate (ATP), a compound that supplies energy in all living cells and acts as a signal for meat. Humans cannot detect or taste ATP, so our drive to devour living things is way less than a kat's drive. Which makes sense because kats are the most vicious of cold-blooded killers.

6. Kats kill a hell of a lot of innocent animals for literally no reason, kats are natural-born hunters. A 2013 study revealed that each year, domestic kats kill 20.7 billion smaller animals, including mice, chipmunks, voles and 3.7 billion birds. Kats are actually the number one killer of these animals. Kats spend one-third of their day just killing animals, and they don't even do it because they're hungry. They do it because they feel like it. They murder just to murder, like the genocidal barbarians that they are.   

7. Kats are irritating show-offs. Kats know they're good at hunting. Many of you probably find it "cute" when they bring their prey to your house and leave it at your doorstep. But your kat didn't bring you that dead mouse as a present because he loves you. He brought it because he knows you wouldn't be able to hunt for it yourself. He's telling you you're inadequate at something you didn't even know you could be inadequate at. Like an asshole.   

8. Kat poop could give you a fatal disease Remember that T. gondii parasite? Normally, it doesn't do anything to harm those humans whose brains it calls home (well, except make you love kats) because your immune system knows how to handle it. However, for those people whose immune systems can't handle it, exposure to the parasite can cause a disease called toxoplasmosis. It can either give you mild flu-like symptoms, mental disorders like schizophrenia and depression, or kill you. Feline feces are true safe havens for T. gondii, so you can contract toxoplasmosis by cleaning up your kat's sh*t. Have I convinced you how terrible they are yet?   

9. Kats' purrs are manipulative. While your kat knows how "precious" his little purrs are, he also knows that they're manipulative. Scientists studied how humans responded to kat purrs mixed with a high-pitched cry. Normally, kats just purr, but when they need something important, they include a specific kind of cry with their purr. Kats know how sensitive we are to the needs of human babies who also cry, so they try to trick us into paying attention to them by wailing like children. We fall for it every time. In the study, human owners felt a higher sense of urgency in a situation when kat's purring included crying. Kats have taken what weakens us to our cores and used it to control us.   

10. Kats are fucking stupid losers. Kats are loners. They normally thrive in solitary conditions, so their brains haven't needed to develop the tools to adapt to social environments. The brains of more social animals, like dogs, have had to grow over time to adequately learn how to socialize. So, social brains — jam-packed with awesome friend-making abilities — are bigger than kat brains. Looks like kats are losers and pea-brained, which means stupid.   

11. You know how when you like someone, you're attracted to his scent? Well, kats hate your scent. Imagine that you have a boyfriend or girlfriend who you love. I know you don't, because you are a single girl or boy who loves kats, but just imagine. Imagine you sleep at their apartment, on their pillow, and imagine how cologne/perfume-y and delicious that pillow smells. Now, imagine waking up the next morning and going home still smelling like that pillow. You probably don't want to wash that scent off, right? Well, there's a reason why kats are always licking themselves, and it's not to clean up. It's to rid themselves of human scent. Kats don't like your scent. This means they don't like you.   

12. Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, Father Bruno, Audrey Hepburn, Marlon Brando, and Marilyn Monroe were all afraid of kats. All of these people are said to have suffered from ailurophobia, the fear of kats.

13. KATS ARE EVIL AND SUCK OUT YOUR SOUL AT NIGHT WHILE YOU SLEEP. THEY ALONG WITH NUNS POPULATE AND RUN HELL FOR SATAN.

Wow!
[spoiler]As much as I love cats, I must say...That was brilliant. 
[/spoiler]
For you, my dear Farther Bruno.
[spoiler]

[/spoiler]

I hate to say this because I respect the hell out of his work, butt Mr. Dinero is wrong here. Obviously it fits the character he is portraying in the movie, a kind of jerk who is also something of a controlling-ass, so it fits that his character would like kats and think they are better than dogs. When they aren't.
Smrt people know his comments about dogs are wrong, but it's a movie so we ignore it and move on.

I'll add my wow and my vote for FB to be voted "Katophobe of the year"!

Thank you Gloucester I appreciate the comment, and I would love to be "Katophobe of the Year" (Thanks for spelling kats correctly by the way) My parents would be so proud

I almost feel this deserves it's own thread, nay maybe even it's own section here on the forum, but let's leave it here. I'm way to humble to make a big deal about it.

FYI - These are cats (Lions, tigers, panthers, cheetahs, etc...) The domestic, evil monsters created by satan and his minions (Nuns) are kats.

[Magdalena]

This one is for the "Katophobe of the year"--Father Bruno.