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Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

Too Few Lions

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #45 on: December 01, 2011, 11:36:35 AM »
The wife has been missing for a week now. The Police said to prepare for the worst, so I went to the charity shop and got all her clothes back.
:D that's brilliant

OldGit

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #46 on: December 01, 2011, 01:25:01 PM »
Exchange of romantic texts

She sent the following message while waiting for her train:
 
My love
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams
If you are smiling, send me your smile
If you are crying, send me your tears
I love you
 
 
He replied:

I'm in the toilet. What do I send???

Tank

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #47 on: December 01, 2011, 05:15:49 PM »
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
“Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt.” ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

OldGit

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #48 on: December 01, 2011, 05:22:12 PM »
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Siz

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #49 on: December 02, 2011, 08:55:13 PM »
After confession one evening, Father O'Leary suggests that he and young Seamus take a 'walk in the woods'.
Reaching a dark clearing young Seamus turns to the priest, "I'm scared" he says.
"You're scared?", says O'Leary "I've got to walk out of here alone"

When one sleeps on the floor one need not worry about falling out of bed - Anton LaVey

The universe is a cold, uncaring void. The key to happiness isn't a search for meaning, it's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually you'll be dead!

OldGit

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #50 on: December 03, 2011, 05:04:06 PM »
The teacher was encouraging the kids to get creative about last night's firework display.

"What did you do, Emily?"

"Please, Miss, I held a sparkler and I twirled it around and it looked all pretty!"

"Good, Emily, that's lovely.  And what did you do, Veronica?"

"Please, Miss, I saw a lovely rocket that went swoosh up in the air!"

"Lovely, Veronica.  And what did you do, Tommy?"

"Please, Miss, I shoved a banger up the cat's arse."

"Rectum, Tommy, rectum."

"Yes, Miss.  Blew 'em clean off!"

Guardian85

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #51 on: December 03, 2011, 08:25:43 PM »
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

You told it better, but I told it first...


"If scientist means 'not the dumbest motherfucker in the room,' I guess I'm a scientist, then."
-Unknown Smartass-

Asmodean

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #52 on: December 06, 2011, 01:24:38 AM »
I'm in the toilet. What do I send???
Paper. Because the guy in the stall next to you is usually out  ;D
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Luxembourg trembles.

not your typical...

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #53 on: December 06, 2011, 01:32:30 AM »
Nice Asmo. :)
"Accepting the truth and keeping faith is a strong thing to do. Mixing the two however, is the dumbest thing you've ever attempted." - Radical Ostriches Bringing Eternal Requiem Tonight
Advocate for the abnormal.
"They say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last ti

Tank

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #54 on: December 06, 2011, 01:18:25 PM »
Why God never got a PhD
-----------------------

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
“Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt.” ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Tank

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #55 on: December 06, 2011, 01:21:23 PM »
The heretic

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.
So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too!
Are your Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too!
Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, Me too!
Are your Episcopalian or Baptist?
He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?
He said, Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too!
Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too!
Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
“Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt.” ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Tank

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #56 on: December 06, 2011, 01:24:57 PM »
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
“Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt.” ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Tank

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #57 on: December 06, 2011, 01:26:48 PM »
What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?....
Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.
If religions were TV channels atheism is turning the TV off.
“Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt.” ― Richard P. Feynman
'It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.' - Terry Pratchett
Remember, your inability to grasp science is not a valid argument against it.

Asmodean

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #58 on: December 06, 2011, 01:43:12 PM »
I got married in Skyrim. Now I fear that should I get divorsed, she will take half the loot.  >:(
In Asmo's grey lump,
wrath and dark clouds gather force.
Luxembourg trembles.

not your typical...

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Re: Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )
« Reply #59 on: December 06, 2011, 07:15:02 PM »
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.
I want to use that one in Church tonight.... :D
"Accepting the truth and keeping faith is a strong thing to do. Mixing the two however, is the dumbest thing you've ever attempted." - Radical Ostriches Bringing Eternal Requiem Tonight
Advocate for the abnormal.
"They say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last ti