Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Eric V Arachnid]

That dog looks a lot like our old dog.
It sounds like she sounds like her too.

[Larry]

When I was a boy, my mother would give me $1 and I'd go to the store and come back with two loaves of bread, three bottles of milk, two dozen eggs and a sack of potatoes.
You can't do that these days...too many damned security cameras!

[Tank]

[Claireliontamer]

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. 'Hello?'
'Hello, is this FBI?'
'Yes. What do you want?'
'I'm calling to report my neighbour Graham. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood.'
'This will be noted.'
Next day, the FBI visit Graham's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, curse Graham and leave.
The phone then rings at Graham's house. 'Hey, Graham! Did the FBI come?'
'Yeah, they did.'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep, every piece.'
'Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden dug.'

[OldGit]

^ Excellent! 

[Davin]

Davin. That's the joke.

Yes, Crow. Exactly. 

[Tank]

[Pasta Chick]

[Biggus Dickus]

^^^

I know just what she is going through, I fucking hate that.

[Pasta Chick]

I've always thought it odd that it so often happens when I'm chopping veg with a giant knife.

[Biggus Dickus]

Exactly, I'll be like, "Hey I'm julienning beets here, get off me"!

[Tank]

[Tank]

[Tank]

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

[OldGit]

Excellent!