Should I convert to Islam for love?

[The Magic Pudding]

What does kkma loose from playing out the charade?
A bit of time spent playing a distasteful game.
What does his gf loose if he doesn't? her family.

As long as children aren't involved, it's a reasonable thing someone would do for their partner.
But it is a considerable inconvenience, so during discussions some months of back rubs should be negotiated.

[Whitney]

In my opinion your wife should consider your wishes over that of her family.  If she can accept your lack of belief then she should tell them they can either do the same or be cut off from her life.  It's going to come up one day anyway (you aren't going to raise your kids Muslim just to make her family happy are you?) so it might as well be nipped in the bud.  Not to mention that in my experience Muslim women who wish to live a secular life end up having to distance relations with Muslim family anyway; no amount of lies cover up that you aren't actually practicing Islam.  I'd also be concerned about even going back to her home for marriage, for all you know they'll not let her leave when the inevitably find out you aren't a true believer.

[Thumpalumpacus]

What does kkma loose from playing out the charade?
A bit of time spent playing a distasteful game.
What does his gf loose if he doesn't? her family.

As long as children aren't involved, it's a reasonable thing someone would do for their partner.
But it is a considerable inconvenience, so during discussions some months of back rubs should be negotiated.

This is one of the few times I have completely disagreed with you.  If the choice is between gf losing her family, and having them butt into such personal matters, the latter arrangement ought to be avoided; if the camel gets his nose in the tent at bedtime, you shall wake up with him in your sleeping-bag in the morning.

Life is too short to be dishonest about it.

[Ulysses]

I used to live in Indonesia, and know several people in that exact predicament. Family is important to them, and they will want you in the same religion.

Actually you can convert quite easily, after all its just talking arabic and maybe doing an exam. The family won't question you about it too much they'll just be happy you converted, and you can be an atheist in heart and eat all the pig you want (though you dont tell the family that). And in Indonesia you can usually bribe the guy a bit of cash to pass the exams on your first go. easy.

but whatever you do, dont listen to the guys that tell you you need to be circumscised. its not a requirement of islam, merely a tradition.

also in indonesia you can find open minded officials who will marry you together whatever your faith.

if you love her, do it...
feel free to message me if you wanna know more...

[SSY]

I wouldn't do it, acquiescing to her parents' wishes now will only set a precedent of them making the rules. If their primary concern is the religion of the man their daughter marries, and not his character, it would seem they have little regard for her happiness, and merely wish to impose their own values. I wouldn't want people like that in my marriage, nor should your wife. If she decides that keeping her parents happy is the most important thing, then I would recommend flight, there are obviously other problems.

Also, why must you marry? If you have been muddling along OK like this up until now, why change things when it is bound to cause problems?

[tymygy]

I agree with SSY.

10 years, thats alot logner than most marriages.

Is it really that important to her parents?

[The Magic Pudding]

What does kkma loose from playing out the charade?
A bit of time spent playing a distasteful game.
What does his gf loose if he doesn't? her family.

As long as children aren't involved, it's a reasonable thing someone would do for their partner.
But it is a considerable inconvenience, so during discussions some months of back rubs should be negotiated.

This is one of the few times I have completely disagreed with you.  If the choice is between gf losing her family, and having them butt into such personal matters, the latter arrangement ought to be avoided; if the camel gets his nose in the tent at bedtime, you shall wake up with him in your sleeping-bag in the morning.

Life is too short to be dishonest about it.

On the subject of lies, kkma doesn't have lie to himself or to the love of his life.
He may not even have to lie to her parents.
I'm not sure how these things works, but perhaps once a marriage is performed satisfying custom, the parents are satisfied and responsibility for gf is handed to her husband.
I'm sure I would hold little fear of in laws half a world away.
I'm not convinced that the fears expressed apply here, kkma doesn't seem to think they do.

back to England for tea and biscuits and the rest of our lives (so i hope!!!).

But he has this

lying to her family, lying to myself, having to go through with the conversion and religious marriage, kids, etc etc

I think he needs to talk to gf and make sure their views of the future agree, kids, etc etc is a bit vague.

[Thumpalumpacus]

On the subject of lies, kkma doesn't have lie to himself or to the love of his life.
He may not even have to lie to her parents.

If he goes through the conversion process honestly, and honestly comes to believe, that's cool.  It's his horse, and he should ride it the way he sees fit.

However, if he goes through it solely to please them, and comes out still unconvinced, yet lets them think that he is a Muslim convert, then that is indeed lying: deceit by omission.

I'm not sure how these things works, but perhaps once a marriage is performed satisfying custom, the parents are satisfied and responsibility for gf is handed to her husband.

It occurs to me that if they are poking around like this already, the odds of this behavior ceasing upon wedlock are pretty small -- particularly if he doesn't honestly convert and that somehow comes to their attention.

I'm sure I would hold little fear of in laws half a world away.

I wouldn't worry about them if they lived next door.  A couple's love is a private affair, and no couple ought to submit to outsiders laying conditions upon its sanctification (forgive the neologism).

I'm not convinced that the fears expressed apply here, kkma doesn't seem to think they do.

I hope I'm wrong and you're right, but I'm not convinced.  Not that that matters to him.

back to England for tea and biscuits and the rest of our lives (so i hope!!!).

But he has this

lying to her family, lying to myself, having to go through with the conversion and religious marriage, kids, etc etc

I think he needs to talk to gf and make sure their views of the future agree, kids, etc etc is a bit vague.

Obviously he would consider it lying, from the quote you selected.

[jduster]

you are certainly going to get mixed responses on this.

changing your religion on paper is a small sacrifice to make for someone who is special to you.

though, this may eventually lead to some problems down the road.

i guess it depends.

[kkma]

Thanks for all of the responses.

Update: My girlfriend and i have decided to separate. It turns out that conversion and appeasing her family was going to be quite an ordeal. Apparently the father wanted me to go on a 2 year conversion course!!! F#*k that! I thought it would be one week at the most. Also my girlfriend has promised to move back closer to her family and i cannot deal with the lies and deceit that would come about from this arrangement. She was not prepared to risk the exclusion of her family and ultimately she was not prepared to marry a non-muslim (even though she would know in my heart that i am not, should i have converted, as would the all powerful Allah! )  

Finally i think  joeactor's quote spoke to me the most~:

"This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."
Polonius in Hamlet Act 1, Scene 3 by William Shakespeare

I dont think i can live a lie.

I just wish it hadn't taken me 10 years to work this out.

Many thanks

kkma.

[Thumpalumpacus]

Thanks for all of the responses.

Update: My girlfriend and i have decided to separate. It turns out that conversion and appeasing her family was going to be quite an ordeal. Apparently the father wanted me to go on a 2 year conversion course!!! F#*k that! I thought it would be one week at the most. Also my girlfriend has promised to move back closer to her family and i cannot deal with the lies and deceit that would come about from this arrangement. She was not prepared to risk the exclusion of her family and ultimately she was not prepared to marry a non-muslim (even though she would know in my heart that i am not, should i have converted, as would the all powerful Allah! )  

Finally i think  joeactor's quote spoke to me the most~:

"This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."
Polonius in Hamlet Act 1, Scene 3 by William Shakespeare

I dont think i can live a lie.

I just wish it hadn't taken me 10 years to work this out.

Many thanks

kkma.

Bummer that it worked out this way.  For what it's worth, I think you made the right decision, difficult as it may be.

[karadan]

Thanks for all of the responses.

Update: My girlfriend and i have decided to separate. It turns out that conversion and appeasing her family was going to be quite an ordeal. Apparently the father wanted me to go on a 2 year conversion course!!! F#*k that! I thought it would be one week at the most. Also my girlfriend has promised to move back closer to her family and i cannot deal with the lies and deceit that would come about from this arrangement. She was not prepared to risk the exclusion of her family and ultimately she was not prepared to marry a non-muslim (even though she would know in my heart that i am not, should i have converted, as would the all powerful Allah! )  

Finally i think  joeactor's quote spoke to me the most~:

"This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."
Polonius in Hamlet Act 1, Scene 3 by William Shakespeare

I dont think i can live a lie.

I just wish it hadn't taken me 10 years to work this out.

Many thanks

kkma.

That is tough, but as Thump said, you've made the right decision. Especially as the father would have made you sit through a two year ordeal of insanity.

Plenty of other fish, and all that.

[jduster]

I am deeply saddened by this.  I am very sorry this did not work out for you.

[DropLogic]

If this isn't a case for the insanity of organized religion...I don't know what is.
I am deeply sorry that things didn't work out.  I hope you can find a mate who loves you for you in the near future.

[joeactor]

Very sad indeed - sorry you're going through this.
Not what you need to hear now, but in the long run it's probably best to find out now.
Take care and let us know how you're doing...