When Business and Friendship Collide (What would you do?)

[philosoraptor]

So I've got a situation I'm kind of sitting on, because I'm not sure how to proceed at this point.  So I figured I'd ask some of the wiser folks I know: what would you do?

A friend of mine and her boyfriend took my wedding photos for free.  The agreement her and I had was that they would do the photography free of charge, and in exchange she could use the pictures in her portfolio, since she is working on getting her own photography business off the ground.  I had no problem with this, and as they had shot our engagement pictures and they had turned out well, it seemed like it would be a win-win situation.  She was the one who had initially offered/asked if she could do the photography, and as we had neither the resources or the desire to drop several thousand on pro photos, it was a deal that worked for us.  Pictures were taken, and she told me they'd be in the mail before the end of the week.

Weeks came and went after the wedding, with no sign of the photos.  Given pros usually take 6-8 weeks, I didn't necessarily expect them any sooner than that, and they ended up coming about 8 weeks after the wedding.  I received 4 discs-2 discs of her photos, 2 discs of the boyfriend's photos.  The boyfriend's discs were corrupted and unreadable, and quite a few of the photos on the other discs were blurry, although there were many good pictures, too.  It was a little disappointing, but I just emailed her and let her know that two of the discs didn't work and she assured me I'd get new, working copies soon.  That was almost 4 months ago and I still haven't gotten replacement discs.  She's a graduate student, and a single mom with multiple jobs, so she keeps a pretty busy schedule. All the same...6 months later is a long time to still be waiting.

I've brought it up in email messages gently a few times, and keep getting told they'll be going to the post office tomorrow.  Six months after my wedding, and I'm a little frustrated that most of the pictures I've seen were taken by guests.  I'm tired of being given bullshit answers, and I'd like to know what the hell is going on.  Because no money was exchanged or contract signed, I don't have legal recourse-nor would I want to take that kind of action anyway.  None the less, we did have an agreement, albeit an informal one, which is perhaps my fault for not making it more formal.  With a friend, I didn't think it would be necessary.  Now of course, I know better!

So I guess my question is: if this were you in this situation, what might you say to express displeasure at the situation, while still trying to preserve the friendship?  I want answers, but more than anything, I just want my damn pictures. 

[Crow]

Get a large capacity usb stick or external hard drive, go round to her house/flat and get them transferred there and then.

[Guardian85]

Or just say that if you don't get your copies P.D.Q., she can no longer use images of you in her portfolio.

[philosoraptor]

I wish it were as simple as going round her house, but I now live 1500 miles away, so that's not an option.  Telling her she can't use the photos still doesn't get me the pictures, either, and that's really my end goal.

[McQ]

First, let me say I'm sorry your wedding photos have not come out how you had hoped. That's really crappy, as it's such an important day for you.

I have shot a few weddings, but never for friends, and this is exactly why. For some reason, things can go to shit really fast when business and friends mix.

My advice would be simply to be as patient as possible and continue to nicely, but firmly request your photos. Offer to pick up the discs if she is too busy to deliver them (although that is ridiculous that you'd have to do that). You have to decide if your friendship is important enough to risk over a potential fight for the photos. I don't know that answer. But it's probably not worth falling out over, especially if she's pressured by so much else.

I'd be frustrated as you are, of course. It sucks. You want something very simple yet it just isn't happening. Makes you want to scream. Hang in there and keep trying if you can maintain your patience! And let us know how it goes.

Edited: just saw that you live really far from them. Strike that idea of picking them up yourself!

[Ali]

If the discs were corrupted and unreadable, maybe the files of your wedding are corrupted and unreadable, and she has been too scared of your reaction to tell you.  Regardless, she should tell you what is going on.  I would call her and (gently) ask if there is a problem with the other pictures.  It may be that they didn't survive.

If I may, let me offer a little bit of...I guess....perspective?  I feel you.  I have a very similar story: my aunt wanted to set up her own photography business, so she offered to take my wedding pictures as her wedding present to me.  What I learned from that is, unfortunately, my aunt isn't a very good photographer.    I actually got my pictures, so no complaints there, but honestly, the poses, the camera effects, they're just cheesy.  It's like if you hired the guy that did prom pictures in 1987 to do your wedding pictures.  And I'll admit, I was disappointed when I saw them, and I have occasionally felt a pang of envy when one of my friends who actually hired a real photographer shows off their pics.  

But at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter that much.  I have 3 big photo albums full of wedding pictures, and I almost never look at them.  I look at them about as often as I look at any other photo album, which is almost never.  I was able to get a couple of good shots that we hung around the house, and that was it.  And having many many married friends, I'm pretty sure that's the norm, no matter how cool your wedding photos were.  Most people have a wedding picture or two hanging up, but beyond that, and especially the longer they've been married, their walls get overtaken with art, pictures of babies and/or pets, your grandparents when they were young, tiles that someone brought you back from Israel and Rome, et cetera.  You'll look at your wedding album every once in a while, mostly when someone asks to see, and the longer you're married, the less often anyone asks to see because everyone who cares has already seen them once.

I guess what I'm saying is that, if you're anything like me, those wedding photos won't ultimately end up being worth blowing up your friendship over.  Especially since they were free, and without them, you might not have had the resources to get professional pics done.  So, tread lightly.  

[Stevil]

I agree with Ali,

My wife and I did some research on photographers for our wedding, viewed some portfolios and made sure we liked the photographer and her style. A friend of mine said his sister was keen to do the photography, but I thought it was better to employ someone impartial.

Anyway, we were really excited about the photos, they turned out better than we had hoped. We hung one big one on the wall, and promised each other to view them each year on our wedding anniversary. We kept this up for three years, but haven't really looked at them since. Near the end of this month we will be celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary, maybe we will dust off the photo album then.

In saying that, I can understand your frustration, you are recently married and excited to see your photo's, and if your friend hadn't offered, you would have gone elsewhere and would now be in possession of them. It would only take at most half an hour to copy the files to some new DVDs and post on.

Maybe write them an emotional letter, not angry, but expressing how excited you have been to see your wedding photos and that the anticipation is just killing you. Hmm, but building it up might make them feel worse, maybe they have destroyed them or maybe they didn't turn out well, they might be embarrassed.

I think a phone call, where you could discuss and hence they won't read any email the wrong way. Ask them if they have lost them or if they didn't turn out well? Tell them not to worry if they aren't that great and that you are still keen to see them. You didn't know what to expect anyway and were just happy that someone could take photo's for you.

[ThinkAnarchy]

My first thought is that their photography business will fail if it ever get's off the ground. I'm only an amateur and I know you don't give the client the bad pictures. Those should have gone into the trash bin or at least a trash folder.

I would just let it go, seeing as you didn't pay anything for the service. Chances are the pictures on the corrupted disc were so badly shot they made sure they couldn't be viewed. I'm assuming that they didn't take very many good pictures, so even if you were to press them, you still wouldn't get what they promised.

I personally would have to press them for the actual truth though. Not knowing would drive me crazy and would certainly affect the friendship.

[Whitney]

instead of a CD, tell her to dump them on box or dropbox and send you an invite to the folder....then her only excuse is not having the care to take a minute to make an account and dump some files on it.  Her being like this would be a friendship kill for me so if the dropbox approach doesn't get action I'd just be very frank about being disappointed.

[Crow]

instead of a CD, tell her to dump them on box or dropbox and send you an invite to the folder....then her only excuse is not having the care to take a minute to make an account and dump some files on it.  Her being like this would be a friendship kill for me so if the dropbox approach doesn't get action I'd just be very frank about being disappointed.

Perfect solution. Or if the file sizes are above dropbox capacity use wetransfer.

[Tank]

So I've got a situation I'm kind of sitting on, because I'm not sure how to proceed at this point.  So I figured I'd ask some of the wiser folks I know: what would you do?

A friend of mine and her boyfriend took my wedding photos for free.  The agreement her and I had was that they would do the photography free of charge, and in exchange she could use the pictures in her portfolio, since she is working on getting her own photography business off the ground.  I had no problem with this, and as they had shot our engagement pictures and they had turned out well, it seemed like it would be a win-win situation.  She was the one who had initially offered/asked if she could do the photography, and as we had neither the resources or the desire to drop several thousand on pro photos, it was a deal that worked for us.  Pictures were taken, and she told me they'd be in the mail before the end of the week.

Weeks came and went after the wedding, with no sign of the photos.  Given pros usually take 6-8 weeks, I didn't necessarily expect them any sooner than that, and they ended up coming about 8 weeks after the wedding.  I received 4 discs-2 discs of her photos, 2 discs of the boyfriend's photos.  The boyfriend's discs were corrupted and unreadable, and quite a few of the photos on the other discs were blurry, although there were many good pictures, too.  It was a little disappointing, but I just emailed her and let her know that two of the discs didn't work and she assured me I'd get new, working copies soon.  That was almost 4 months ago and I still haven't gotten replacement discs.  She's a graduate student, and a single mom with multiple jobs, so she keeps a pretty busy schedule. All the same...6 months later is a long time to still be waiting.

I've brought it up in email messages gently a few times, and keep getting told they'll be going to the post office tomorrow.  Six months after my wedding, and I'm a little frustrated that most of the pictures I've seen were taken by guests.  I'm tired of being given bullshit answers, and I'd like to know what the hell is going on.  Because no money was exchanged or contract signed, I don't have legal recourse-nor would I want to take that kind of action anyway.  None the less, we did have an agreement, albeit an informal one, which is perhaps my fault for not making it more formal.  With a friend, I didn't think it would be necessary.  Now of course, I know better!

So I guess my question is: if this were you in this situation, what might you say to express displeasure at the situation, while still trying to preserve the friendship?  I want answers, but more than anything, I just want my damn pictures. 

Was your mum at the wedding? If so then just tell your friend your Mum was really, really looking forward to seeing the pictures and is really really upset that she hasn't. 

[Dobermonster]

How about writing a letter, saying something like you know she's been very busy, but you really would like to show your pictures to people, and point out that you might be able to drum up some business for her if you can do that. Enclose a usb stick and another stamped envelope with your name and address on it.

[philosoraptor]

Thanks for your responses.  I tried calling my friend to talk about it, and she didn't answer.  I left her a message, indicating I'd appreciate a call back and that was several days ago so I'm not sure if she's busy or actively avoiding me.

I'm going to try writing her a note, taking cues from some of the suggestions put forth here.  If this last attempt at procuring pictures goes nowhere, I'm probably just going to wash my hands of it and move on with the few pictures I do have.

If anything comes of it, I'll let you folks know.

[Stevil]

good luck

[The Magic Pudding]

There are programs that attempt to recover data from damaged DVDs.
Trying to read them with different drives is an obvious thing.
It is possible once the DVD was created the files were deleted from the persons hard drive.