A closet Atheists guide- coming out to your Religous Parents

[Mike M.]

Well hello everyone.

I decided to write this because I have recently come out to my Roman Catholic parents as an Atheist.  I still live in their household as I am 16, but they still treat me with the same respect they did before I told them I was an Atheist, and we enjoy having religious discussions.  Albeit my parents are quite moderate Roman Catholics, so this short guide might not work for more fundamentalist parents.  This is going to be a step by step process of how I came out, which worked well for me.

Step 1 -- Download Google Chrome as your default browser
Step 3 -- At family dinners or other times, ask your parents your questions about god and religion.  I used things like, "Why does god kill approximately 2million people in the Old Testament?", or, "If god   is         omniscient, how do we have free will?"  These questions are pretty straightforward, although they might have only worked for me because of my moderate parents.  Use with Caution.
Step 4 -- Go to Google Chrome home page (this will display a list of the most visited sites)
Step 5 -- Visit the Happy Atheist Forum frequently, and constantly search youtube for videos about Atheism.
Step 6 -- Wait for your parents to realize that the top two websites being visited are HAF, and youtube (with a huge search history of Atheist videos)
Step 7 -- Sit back and wait for them to put 2 + 2 together
Step 8 -- Parents - "Are you an Atheist or Agnostic???"  You - "Yup"

Well, that's pretty much how it went for me...and maybe it will work for you too!!  

Thanks,
Mike M.

[Mark L Holland]

To Mike M

  I wish that all Atheists coming out in Theist household would be so lucky.  while I do feel reluctant in advising a 16 year old, I would say that you are doing what you should do.  But if this goes as smoothly as you think it might and please understand that for other Atheists in your situation it may not find it to be so easy.  There are parents who would disown a son or daughter for doing what you yourself are doing and you owe it to them to assist them in their endeavors.

  You must find your own calling regardless of what others may think your calling is, and you should be willing to help others in their callings even if those callings are not yours.  Theist beliefs for the most part are detrimental to those that are born into them, but just because a Atheist borne into a Theist household does not mean all Theist’s beliefs are as bad or negative as the Theist beliefs they were born into.

  God or Gods are only God or Gods if evidence or proofs are given to support them.  And if someone on a personal level are given those evidence and proofs then God or Gods may exist for them.  But if no evidence or proofs are given by a God or Gods to an individual then God or Gods do not exist.

  So basically what I am saying is used the common sense that you were given in dealing with others.
 

[Whitney]

That's a lot better than the my moron 'friend' outing me by asking "Does your mom know your fiance is an atheist" while my mom was standing right next to us.  I hadn't quite gotten my mom ready for the "A" word yet so it resulted in a long preachy rant about seed planting and blah blah blah

btw, there are a few add ons for firefox that can achieve the same effect as chrome...for instance, the delicious bookmarks toolbar.

[Mike M.]

For some reason, Firefox randomly stopped working on my computer.  I'm really not sure why, but it doesn't, but I get by with Chrome  

Thanks,
Mike M.

[Mark L Holland]

To Mike M

   Best of luck to you and may your path fulfill you and let you rejoice in it.
 

[SSY]

It really tickled me that the first two points involved downloading and installing software.

[Kylyssa]

It really tickled me that the first two points involved downloading and installing software.

Ditto.

[Mike M.]

Haha is that a good or bad thing?

[SSY]

Good thing, the incongruity  of it really made me smile. It is is a serious topic, a big, life changing deal for a lot of people. The title makes you expect a hard line, no bull action plan, but then the first two points are really nothing to do with anything, also, they could easily have been combined into one point, but being split into two, gives the impression of extra emphasis placed on them, heightening the challenge to your expectations. They say all humour stems from juxtapositions, and this is certainly an example. Imagine if an instruction manual or a TV started

1)Hold a sock in your hand
2) Put the sock on your foot, then repeat steps 1, and 2 for the other foot, we will explain why later

 On another note, explaining why you find something funny, really, really makes you sound like a tit.

[Ellainix]

This guide does not cover the critical issue. Some Atheists are cursed with parents who will not love them if they disbelieve. This issue is the most likely cause of a closet Atheist, and the most ignored issue in the guide.

[Mike M.]

Again, this was half sarcasm.  This is basically what worked for me, although I didn't come out on purpose, and I decided to post it in a "guide" because I thought it was silly that this actually worked.  Probably should have put something in the first post saying this was mostly meant to be silly.

[Whitney]

This guide does not cover the critical issue. Some Atheists are cursed with parents who will not love them if they disbelieve. This issue is the most likely cause of a closet Atheist, and the most ignored issue in the guide.

I would add in step

3.1 For Fundamentalist Parents:  Discuss the above questions with your parents as if you were still a believer.  Over time, you should be able to open their eyes to new ways of examining their religious views.  If this works and they become moderate believers, think about going to step 4.  If this doesn't appear to be working go to step 3.2

3.2:  For Parents who are completely closed minded:  Remember, it is best (and easier on everyone involved) to not come out to your parents if you live under their roof.  Skip the rest of the steps in this guide and if your parents just happen to figure out you are an atheist because you no longer go to church or respond to prayer requests tell them the truth; otherwise it doesn't matter.  But, above all, don't let their closed mindedness control your life; you do not have to pretend to be something you are not.  If your parents find out and claim to no longer love you; tell them you are sad about their decision but you still love them as much as you ever have and that you had hoped that is what they would have told you.

Again, this was half sarcasm.  This is basically what worked for me, although I didn't come out on purpose, and I decided to post it in a "guide" because I thought it was silly that this actually worked.  Probably should have put something in the first post saying this was mostly meant to be silly.

Even though it was meant to be silly, I think it is something that could work well for people with parents who are reasonable believers.  Of course, probably just continuing to ask questions would have lead them to figure out you were not a believer too; esp since asking questions about religion tends to lead to more and more critical questions because there are so many innocent sounding questions you can ask.  However, to ask that many questions you also have to be prepared to discuss them in depth otherwise your parents may not believe you have put much thought into your decision (even though you can logically be an atheist simply because there is no reason to believe any one holy book is real and that there is no proof for a god); so the browswer approach might be a quicker way to help them get it than to just keep asking questions.  Of course, with very rational parents you could just tell them when the timing was appropriate without any priming.

[Mike M.]

Very good points Whitney, thank-you for the input.

[JustAJ]

When I tried to " come out " to my religious parents....  They freaked out.   My mom has not stopped saying likes like  " Aren't you lucky god does so much for you" and " Did you pray today?". And in generally just being very bitchy about it.  It's been very VERY Annoying.

[teifuani]

I've only come out to my mom, and it wasn't fully voluntary. Basically I was starting to have a panic attack (my anxiety problems started going through the roof once I lost my religious safety net) one night a week or so ago. I could feel it coming on so I started talking about it to my friend online about it, hoping that since she helped in the past she could talk me through it. However, halfway through an IM my computer froze. The attack kept building up and I was getting seriously close to calling an ambulance or something really rash, so I figured, "What the hell, might as well go to Mom."

Mom, of course, wanted to know what was causing my anxiety. "I don't know" wasn't working, so I went with, "You're gonna hate me if I tell you." Thirty seconds of beating around the bush later I told her I was an atheist. Her reaction was essentially, "Oh, okay. That's not going to make me hate you, nothing you could say would make me hate you." She said I was an adult and I could "make my own decisions even if she didn't agree them" and how I shouldn't get in an argument with Dad because "he's not feeling well and he's really scared." (Like I'd go looking for an argument with Dad, as tempted as I get when he watches those televangelists.) My dad's extremely fundamentalist for the most part; he's one of those who KNOWS Jesus is the Messiah because the Bible tells him so. (He said almost exactly that once and I am SO GRATEFUL I wasn't facing him at that moment because I could not hold back my eyeroll.)

Coming out to Mom made me feel a bit better, except for the fact it was kind of obvious (at least to me) that it still made her a bit uncomfortable. It amazes me that she's accepted it as much as she has, since two weeks before that she explicitly said to me, "You better not be atheist" and remarked, "I think it's [her friends' atheism] creepy."

So I guess my point is... it's hard to tell how parents will react, at least from my experience. I was so sure Mom was going to tell Dad and they were going to send me to bible camp or something.

I'm sorry to hear about your parents' reaction, AJ :-( I don't think I'd have coped if my mom had acted like that.