Should I convert to Islam for love?

[kkma]

The post is fairly self explanatory.

Background: I have been going out with my girlfriend for 10 years. I am an atheist, she is a non-practicing Muslim. The problem is her family. They insist on me converting in order to marry her. She has asked me to do this for the sake of an easy life. We live in England, her parents live in Indonesia. So it would be over to Indonesia for a marriage and then back to England for tea and biscuits and the rest of our lives (so i hope!!!).

The benefits of this arrangement are that she keeps her family onside and we can get on with our secular lives as normal.

As you may imagine i have tried to explore all of the contradictions and ethical issues involved including but not limited to; lying to her family, lying to myself, having to go through with the conversion and religious marriage, kids, etc etc....    

So does anyone have any thoughts on this as i'm in a real dilemma. To be totally clear I love this girl with all my heart.

[Will]

What you're actually asking, then, is whether or not it's okay to lie to your future in-laws about something this serious. I don't know that we can answer this one for you. Personally? I'd probably not be willing to lie, but I'm not you.

[madness]

Is your wife ok with you "converting" simply on paper and not actually buying into any of the tenets?  We all do crazy things for our inlaws, but honesty in the relationship with your future wife is vastly more important.

[Kylyssa]

Is your wife ok with you "converting" simply on paper and not actually buying into any of the tenets?  We all do crazy things for our inlaws, but honesty in the relationship with your future wife is vastly more important.

^ If there were a "like" button I would push it for this. ^

[epepke]

Love comes and goes.  Dishonesty lasts a lifetime.

[DropLogic]

When you say your gf is a "non-practicing muslim", what do you mean?
I don't mean to come off as coarse...but you've been together for 10 years...has the atheism issue never come up?  They are extremely far away, are they part of your lives at all?  If they can't respect your love for their daughter, why go through all the trouble to please them?

[Explorer]

I know I couldn't.  I got married in a church, as much to keep my wife's parents happy as anything - that and the fairytale wedding thing.  They said their prayers and sang their hymns, but I never once said I believed in anything I didn't.  If they had insisted, I would have refused.  We didn't need their permission to get married, they weren't paying for it, and it wouldn't have stopped either of us if they hadn't approved.  13 years later, my wife has gone from skeptical agnostic to functional atheist and her (closeted gay) dad is still in deluded denial.

Your mileage may vary.  Ultimately this is a question nobody can answer but you.

[Tank]

My wife's best school friend 'H' had an English Mum and an Iraqi Dad. He was a serious Muslim. 'H' knew she was going to get dragged back to Iraq to marry a cousin or some such. 'H' was/is top shelf totty, really amazing.  

[The Magic Pudding]

My brother went through the process of converting to Catholicism to marry.
That marriage did fail, but that's because he is often a jerk, religion didn't seem to matter.
Do any kids have to be Muslimised as well?
Are the parents devout?
Would they expect you to act devout, or just go through the motions?
I would find it hard to do though this, but I wouldn't think badly of anyone who did.

[joeactor]

"This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."
Polonius in Hamlet Act 1, Scene 3 by William Shakespeare

IMHO, honesty is the best foundation for a long term relationship (of any kind).
If you don't believe, and your girlfriend doesn't either, why perpetuate the lie?
Time to bite the bullet and be honest with her parents.

It'll only be worse if it comes out later...

YMMV

[Gawen]

What joeactor said. The time has come to an end for religion to make people convert (or other things) for love and happiness....such as marriage. If it were me, I wouldn't convert. My future wife would understand this, I would hope. I could care less what her parents would think. It's my life (and hers if we got married).

It would be like converting to a particular political spectrum/party in order to marry. Ain't gonna happen.

[Thumpalumpacus]

On a purely practical level, I object to the idea of letting the future inlaws impose conditions on the marriage.  That's a sure-fire recipe to invite further meddling, even from half-a-world away.  If a girl grants her parents this power, that scratches her off the list, afaiac.

[DropLogic]

This is his dilemma though, gentlemen.
He has been with her for 10 years.  I have been with my wife for 8 years thus far, and I could not imagine going a day without her.
I think you do need to have a serious discussion with your gf about the level of control her parents are going to be allowed in your lives.

[Dretlin]

The post is fairly self explanatory.

Background: I have been going out with my girlfriend for 10 years. I am an atheist, she is a non-practicing Muslim. The problem is her family. They insist on me converting in order to marry her. She has asked me to do this for the sake of an easy life. We live in England, her parents live in Indonesia. So it would be over to Indonesia for a marriage and then back to England for tea and biscuits and the rest of our lives (so i hope!!!).

The benefits of this arrangement are that she keeps her family onside and we can get on with our secular lives as normal.

As you may imagine i have tried to explore all of the contradictions and ethical issues involved including but not limited to; lying to her family, lying to myself, having to go through with the conversion and religious marriage, kids, etc etc....    

So does anyone have any thoughts on this as i'm in a real dilemma. To be totally clear I love this girl with all my heart.

My feelings are: it seems to me that their will be less problems if your girlfriend was honest with her parents. You could be laying the seeds for future problems with converting. It also appears that there is no easy option, unless you feel lying about it is acceptable.

[Thumpalumpacus]

This is his dilemma though, gentlemen.
He has been with her for 10 years.  I have been with my wife for 8 years thus far, and I could not imagine going a day without her.
I think you do need to have a serious discussion with your gf about the level of control her parents are going to be allowed in your lives.

I understand that that is his dliemma.  My point is that if even after ten years she still cannot bring herself to put her relationship with him first, then any marriage is likely to fail -- unless he does the bending.