How do I come out as an atheist to my Catholic family?

[OKWithoutGod]

HI! i am really new to this forum so I doubt any of you have seen me around, but I have a very important question to ask.

First, an introduction. I am an American teenager living somewhere on the east coast (and it's not up north!). I was raised by devout Catholic parents but have always been one to question, and when I was 12 I began to question religion. After a long period of thinking, I am finally sure of my beliefs. Neither God nor religion make any sense to me. I am an atheist.

So... yay! I'm free!

But the issue is, my parents are extremely religious and they won't like my beliefs at all. I know they won't kick me out of the house for it or cut me off financially, I know they love me, but I am still extremely afraid of telling them. I guess I feel like they'll think less of me.

I need to tell them though. It's eating me up inside. So, could anyone share any stories of their "coming out" as an atheist? Hearing others' stories gives me strength.

Also, what did you say. "Mom, dad, I'm an atheist!" or something more complicated?

THANKS A BUNCH FOR YOUR ANSWERS!!

[Whitney]

While I do know there are ex-catholics who were able to come out to their parents without a problem.  I was just talking to an ex-catholic friend who's very conservative catholic parents kicked him out when he turned 18 for him being an atheist.  Maybe times have changed since then (I think he's in his late 30s or 40s), but keep in mind that religion can make parents do things that are wrong even if they love their kids.  I generally advise kids who are planning on going to college to consider not outing themselves on purpose (but also not to lie) just in case their financial help to get through college might get pulled.

I was raised Presbyterian...they are fairly liberal as far as Christians are concerned.  I was outed to my mom by a friend and she's somewhat in denial but isn't bothering me about  going back to church either; prior to that I was making great headway not only getting my mom to think more about her own beliefs but getting her to a place where the word atheist wouldn't seem so bad.  My sister found out because she was in town when I had a freethought meetup scheduled (which I organize so I couldn't just not go) so I told her what it was instead of lying(the topic would have otherwise never come up since my sister and I generally don't discuss religion other than when making jokes at the expense of fundamentalists); she wasn't that surprised and we just agree to disagree.  My dad turned out to be an agnostic atheist; he found out because of a conversation we were having in which it just came up.  

So, if you do decide to out yourself, I suggest waiting till it comes up in conversation rather than making a point to randomly bring it up...waiting for it to come up in conversation is less likely to result in drama (this is assuming you can get them to agree to a few things you think is wrong with religion prior to dropping the A word).  Basically, get them to realize you are an atheist through thoughtful conversations.  It will go smoothly if you can try to control the direction of the conversation and know when it is time to take a break (ex: they are getting mad) and continue it later.  The hard part is, well, trying to control the conversation...it requires keeping a level head, knowing when to press an issue, and when to hold back.

In short...I suggest a complicated thoughtful approach.  You need them to respect your decision and the only way there is a chance they will respect it is if you can get most of your reasoning across before you say words that will scare them (like atheist).

[Reginus]

You could also start by raising hard questions ("Mom here's something I don't understand: Why does Jesus say we should love each other while God commands people to kill each other in the Old Testament?") and go sort of farther and farther (over time, lots of time) just so that they understand why you're an atheist before you spill out any scary words. Be extra nice to them also just so that they understand that haven't become a bad person or anything.

[Sheeplauncher]

I second what reginus said. I think my parents found out because i put an atheist bumper sticker on my car. I was raised episcopalian which is pretty liberal also. I think if they will have a hard time with it then gradually kind of do it but don't just blurt it out. Don't know what else to say really... good luck

[Renegnicat]

I totally said, "I'm an atheist, I hate religion, and I'm never going to church again."

I don't recommend doing that, unless you're a glutton for chaos, like myself.

[Godschild]

I see that you are getting advise to keep your act hidden until you have used your parents for all you can is this the freedom you are so excited about. I know that you did not learn this in church. But no matter just lie to them and get what you can out of them they will really love you for that. So this is what it means to be an athiest do unto others till you've used them up is that a Golden Rule for athiest. Hey, you've made up your mind so be an adult set them down and explain to them how and why you decided to be athiest and take the consequences that come along with it. If you can't do that then what kind of person are you any way. I believe a lot of christians and athiest would say your lacking in respect for your parents. By what you have said about your parents they have earned your respect so show them and speak up if you wait till a later time it will hurt them even more. I do not know who first said this but it is relevant for everyone no matter what they choose to believe be respectful to those who respect you.

[Whitney]

But no matter just lie to them and get what you can out of them they will really love you for that. So this is what it means to be an athiest do unto others till you've used them up is that a Golden Rule for athiest.

I don't think any of us advised lying.  What we did advise was smart about how to tell the parents...people don't like bomb shells dropped on them and springing shocking news on people is rarely advisable unless it is necessary.  And....yes it is smart for a child to take into consideration if their parents might kick them out for not having a belief; to not weigh the consequences of that would be pretty dumb.  It's not the kid's fault if the parents are so shallow they would kick their own child to the curb just because the kid doesn't share their beliefs....it happens all too often.

Godschild, I'd appreciate if you at least try to participate in discussions without shoving words into people's mouths.  You also need to remember that even if one of us had said exactly what you claimed, that wouldn't mean other atheists agreed (we don't share a common belief, just non-belief in a god).

[LoneMateria]

I see that you are getting advise to keep your act hidden until you have used your parents for all you can is this the freedom you are so excited about. I know that you did not learn this in church. But no matter just lie to them and get what you can out of them they will really love you for that. So this is what it means to be an athiest do unto others till you've used them up is that a Golden Rule for athiest.

Way to build straw men.  You do realize many people are batshit crazy about their religion.  Just look through the news.  Last month parents beat their infant to death with a hammer because they thought it was possessed by demons and were trying to exorcise it.  There are risks to coming out and ignoring those risks is reckless.  Blood is not thicker then belief.  I've had friends whose family has shunned them for being atheists (like it's something you can decide).  Imagine losing your family over this, wouldn't it be better not to say anything?  At least until you can get out of that environment.

Hey, you've made up your mind so be an adult set them down and explain to them how and why you decided to be athiest and take the consequences that come along with it.

Again lack in a belief is not a decision.  I cannot accept something that is incoherent, self-contradictory, and lacks evidence.  Can you choose to believe in Santa Clause?  Can you choose to believe in the tooth fairy?  Real belief or lack there of isn't a decision, it's a realization.

I believe a lot of christians and athiest would say your lacking in respect for your parents.

I disagree.  You should ask a question here instead of making an accusation.  The question to be asked is, "Have your parents given you any reason to worry about coming out?"  If yes then its best to play the waiting game if no then you can proceed but still err on the side of caution.  After all its been stated that these people are still very religious.    

By what you have said about your parents they have earned your respect so show them and speak up if you wait till a later time it will hurt them even more.

How will it hurt them more?  Like my dad (who is a Christian) used to say to me, what people don't know won't hurt them.  I agree that he needs to come out, but time isn't a factor here.  He has HAF to vent his frustration to and when he finds the right time he can come out to his parents.

I do not know who first said this but it is relevant for everyone no matter what they choose to believe be respectful to those who respect you.

Respect is earned.  I know this motto doesn't apply to our military.  Lets find a better motto.  How about, "Use logic, reason, and critical thinking to make the best decisions for everyone involved" ^_^

[Godschild]

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But the issue is, my parents are extremely religious and they won't like my beliefs at all. I know they won't kick me out of the house for it or cut me off financially, I know they love me, but I am still extremely afraid of telling them. I guess I feel like they'll think less of me.

This child told us that the parents would not cut him off,kick him onto the streets or anything like that. What was implied,the loss of the parents love and that is the toughest thing a child can face.

I need to tell them though. It's eating me up inside. So, could anyone share any stories of their "coming out" as an atheist? Hearing others' stories gives me strength.

This person needs to get rid of a burden and the only way it's going to happen is for this person to tell the parents. You know that I believe this one has already made a bad decision and to compound it with another could do harm,keeping things closed up is unhealthy.

I don't think any of us advised lying. What we did advise was smart about how to tell the parents...people don't like bomb shells dropped on them and springing shocking news on people is rarely advisable unless it is necessary. And....yes it is smart for a child to take into consideration if their parents might kick them out for not having a belief; to not weigh the consequences of that would be pretty dumb. It's not the kid's fault if the parents are so shallow they would kick their own child to the curb just because the kid doesn't share their beliefs....it happens all too often.

Deception is lying,I did not suggest dropping a bomb shell I suggested that this person sit down with the parents and have a disscusion about the choice that was made. Why do you say that the parents are shallow just because you are a nonbeliever, that does not make others shallow, do you know them well enough to make a statement like that. Whitney your right when you say it happens far to often but it's not exclusive to believers terrible things happen to children in believeing and nonbelieveing homes. I know I use to work with kids and I saw first hand what happens in both types of homes.

I believe a lot of christians and athiest would say your lacking in respect for your parents

I did not lump all athiest into one basket so do not suggest I believe all athiest are bad people.

[Whitney]

Deception is lying,I did not suggest dropping a bomb shell I suggested that this person sit down with the parents and have a disscusion about the choice that was made. Why do you say that the parents are shallow just because you are a nonbeliever, that does not make others shallow, do you know them well enough to make a statement like that. Whitney your right when you say it happens far to often but it's not exclusive to believers terrible things happen to children in believeing and nonbelieveing homes. I know I use to work with kids and I saw first hand what happens in both types of homes.

No one suggested deception either...

Sitting the parents down to discuss his/her realization (as already said, no one decideds what they will believe in, they believe or don't believe as the result of personal contemplation) without any prior indication of a shift in worldviews is dropping a bomb on them.  

I'm just going to assume you misread my shallow comment because you obviously didn't get what I was saying there.....maybe you should be more careful in your reading because you keep on constructing our comments into things we didn't say.....

I never said anything about non-believers not ever treating their kids badly.....again, pay attention to what I did say and you'll realize there was no need to make a point about "not exclusive" yadda yadda

[Kylyssa]

I see that you are getting advise to keep your act hidden until you have used your parents for all you can is this the freedom you are so excited about. I know that you did not learn this in church. But no matter just lie to them and get what you can out of them they will really love you for that. So this is what it means to be an athiest do unto others till you've used them up is that a Golden Rule for athiest. Hey, you've made up your mind so be an adult set them down and explain to them how and why you decided to be athiest and take the consequences that come along with it. If you can't do that then what kind of person are you any way. I believe a lot of christians and athiest would say your lacking in respect for your parents. By what you have said about your parents they have earned your respect so show them and speak up if you wait till a later time it will hurt them even more. I do not know who first said this but it is relevant for everyone no matter what they choose to believe be respectful to those who respect you.

Were you aware that many children face abuse or getting kicked out of their homes for changing religion or going against their parents' religion?  

So you are perfectly OK with advising a minor child to do something that might make them homeless?  Many of the homeless teens I worked with were kicked out (or brutally abused until they left home) by their religious parents.  While most parents probably wouldn't do this, some do.  Enough do that I've encountered dozens in working for homeless shelters, soup kitchens, literacy programs, and in taking homeless teens into my home.  I've seen kids with broken bones given to them by their parents for going against their parents' religion.

And you would probably like to go to the stereotypical "the kid was out of control on drugs" rant.  Indeed, almost all of the kids I spoke with were not on drugs when their parents assaulted them or kicked them out but some took to drugs on the street.  After you've been ass raped because daddy beat you and broke your arm and collar bone and tossed you out to the predators for being a Pagan you might develop a drug habit, too.  That 16 year old boy had no bloody clue his Christian father would go psycho on him for coming out as Pagan.  Another young man I knew was beaten until he ran away from home, a child in a Muslim home who decided he was Christian.  He hadn't expected it either, his parents were not extremely strict in their belief and seemed easy-going.  

So I think it is more ethical to suggest the safest course of action to any child.  The chance of a child getting harmed by coming out to religious parents is probably small, maybe less than 10% but that small percent is a royal bitch.  So why advise a child, who might even eventually change their mind anyway, to come out if there's any possibility of it getting them assaulted, abused, or unhomed?

Would you give the same advice - tell your parents no matter what the consequences - if the child in question were a Christian child in a Muslim household?  Or would you suggest the child keep their religion to themselves until they were an adult and free from the possibility of abuse and loss of parental support.  Maybe you'd suggest they face the consequences even if it means something awful will happen to them.  But that scenario might be a little difference.  The child would be standing up for something (I still wouldn't suggest it) rather than nothing.  Why is it worth risking harm to a child to have them admit an absence of belief?  

I admit that, to my knowledge, none of the homeless kids' parents were Catholic.  Not to stereotype but I think the Catholic approach is to either accept the child or to try to subtly reason with him or perhaps even guilt the child back to the fold.  That is what I've heard from friends and acquaintances who switched from Catholicism to another religion or none.

[buttercupbaby]

My kid came out to me and eventually I joined her.   Don't always assume the worst.   When logical arguments are used, its pretty hard to dispute them.   It might take awhile to sink in, but they'll come around.    Besides, if they don't like it, they have to forgive you anyway....they have no choice.

[Kylyssa]

I suppose that I have a lopsided view on this.  For every kid I've met that was kicked out of his or her home for religious differences a few dozen others probably are not.  Then again, for every kid that got abused so bad they ran away or got kicked out there are probably some that get abused emotionally or physically that don't wind up homeless or in foster care.

It's just that the down side to telling parents is so very, very down that unless a kid is very, very sure his or her parents wouldn't physically or emotionally abuse them or abandon them I tend to suggest keeping it to themselves.

It's really hard for me to advise otherwise.  So many of the kids I dealt with were completely blindsided by their parents reactions to them coming out with a different religion or a homosexual orientation.  They were unprepared and trusting and they took wounds that many of they may never heal from.

After you've sat in an ER with a 14 year old kid whose parents have beaten the hell out him because he got caught with gay porn it changes your perspective on these things.  Parents do horrible, horrible things to children in the name of their religious beliefs.

[SSY]

I see that you are getting advise to keep your act hidden until you have used your parents for all you can is this the freedom you are so excited about. I know that you did not learn this in church. But no matter just lie to them and get what you can out of them they will really love you for that. So this is what it means to be an athiest do unto others till you've used them up is that a Golden Rule for athiest. Hey, you've made up your mind so be an adult set them down and explain to them how and why you decided to be athiest and take the consequences that come along with it. If you can't do that then what kind of person are you any way. I believe a lot of christians and athiest would say your lacking in respect for your parents. By what you have said about your parents they have earned your respect so show them and speak up if you wait till a later time it will hurt them even more. I do not know who first said this but it is relevant for everyone no matter what they choose to believe be respectful to those who respect you. )

I also really like the way you say "decided to be an atheist", like someone else might decide to be afraid of heights. I may add to my sig collection if you maintain your high quality contributions to this thread.

Edit: Is that really the way you spell solely? As in the sole reason for something? That is the weirdest spelling I have seen in a while

Edit 2: Good luck with your coming out, I hope it all works out for you, are there any other members of your family you can sound out about these things? Not to sound pessimistic, but I have never read a thread where someone was contemplating telling their catholic parents, then came back and said they told them and everything was great, selection bias obviously, but still, I would keep schtum until I had options.

[Ellainix]

I keep begging my boyfriend to open up to his parents. We even talk about questioning his pastor's faith to his face. He acknowledges the risks.

I'm really glad that Godschild has established that "using your parents" and "not throwing away free college" are the same thing. Christianity is already the psychological torture of children, anyone who has to put up with such shit should be entitled to college money.