Leaving Islam....

justkeepthatinmind · May 18, 2009, 02:47:15 AM

I have been reading this forum for months in awe.First I hated this place,it made me think about things I did not want to think about.I hated the people because some of you more than others made me question things I had never questions before.In truth my doubts probably started a little earlier.....

I am an ethnic Chechen,I was born in a Grozny hospital during a peaceful time.I lived as a normal child until 1994 at the dawn of the first Chechen war.I remember bombs,seeing things people should never see and I hope no child ever has to again.It lasted less than 2 years but to a civilian,it seemed forever.However life went back to normalness in some respects although I along with everyone else was haunted with the memories.Everything was going along until 1999,the second Chechen war and to this day,the war never officially ended.

I started to question things.The Quran and Bible said God loves us,yet he let us die.He gave muslims the right to do horrible things.The Saudis who came to "help us" started cutting women and mens heads off and stoning them to death,hanging people in the town square for everyone to see.I asked my parents why? They only said it is the will of Allah,dont question it.....

As I grew older,I became a Mujahideen,like most boys,I fought for Allah and my people bravely.I fought without ever really knowing if Allah was there or even gave a care about us.He certainly was not helping,people were starving to death while the leaders ate well.We lived in the woods and many gave up their lives for us.I buried them in hypocrisy.I buried them with prayers but wondering to myself,did they go to Paradise or do they cease to exist after death?Or better is death unknowable to the living?

I moved to the US at the age of 16.I have been here for years now.I married an Palestinian woman and we have kids.I live as a normal Muslim,but a hypocrite.Saying I believe in Allah and Mohammed is the messenger but I dont really know for a long time if anyone is there or listening to me.I went to the west bank with my wife to see her family and thats when I became atheist.For the first time I saw what religion does to people.The Jews keep Palestinians in a bad place because they believe they have a divine right,and mulims kill Jews for the same exact reason.

I look on many websites for truth and understanding.I found this place which I hated and have come to see as hopefully a place to let go of the fear of hell and become the person I truly want to be.My wife does not know about my belief but she may divorce me.I just hope to meet someone with similar experiences.If you read all this,thank you very much.For now I have to go and hide before other Muslims find me and kill me for Apostasy :brick: for reading all this.

BuckeyeInNC · May 18, 2009, 03:03:35 AM

Amazing first post!

I cannot say that my life has been as difficult as yours. Religious bigotry, while it has been annoying to me, has had nowhere near as strong an affect on my life as it has yours.

I hope that you can find some comfort in being able to share the thoughts of others here and know that you are not alone.

curiosityandthecat · May 18, 2009, 03:04:15 AM

You are completely welcome here. Thank you for your story and your bravery.

Whitney · May 18, 2009, 03:05:46 AM

Hi Justkeepthatinmind, welcome to the forum. That's quite a story you have written and I hope everything works out for you with your wife and Muslim friends. You probably already know this, but if you think they might kill you for not being Muslim it is probably best just not to tell them about your changed views. I hope we can see more of you and I'm glad that your hate has turned into rational thought.

joeactor · May 18, 2009, 03:33:01 AM

Wow. Your story is amazing.

Glad you're here. You'll find an open, friendly bunch of folks, for sure.
(and a lot of rational thought ;-)

I can imagine how lonely and isolating it must be to have your views so different from those who are close to you.

Hope to hear more from you on the forum.

Welcome,
JoeActor

PipeBox · May 18, 2009, 03:47:43 AM

Wow. I second what everyone else has said. Reading your post definitely did not make me :brick:

. I hope you find what you're looking for here.

karadan · May 18, 2009, 09:44:52 AM

That was an amazing first post. Thank you for sharing it.

Welcome to the most peaceful forum on the internet.

McQ · May 18, 2009, 02:14:35 PM

You are very welcome here, and I am very glad you wrote what you did as an introduction. Reading what has happened to you, and what you are still going through is a powerful reminder to those of us who do not have to fear for our lives for our beliefs.

Thank you for sharing your story and please feel free to continue helping us understand Islam and your experiences. We will do our best to help you with your needs as well.

justkeepthatinmind · May 18, 2009, 04:12:37 PM

Thanks everybody for your support,I really appreciate.Its hard to find because most people in my town believe in some religion,its quite diverse for a smaller town.Its hard to find someone who just thinks that,Maybe there is something,maybe not.No one is even open to the possibility that maybe nothing is there.

Also Whitney,it is somewhat scary,I remember a Pakistani girl was strangled to death for refusing to wear Hijab,I dont remember if it was here or in the UK but I remember.I am sure some of the people I sit next to in a mosque would have no quarrels putting a knife in my belly for the sake of Allah,they will be rewarded for their conduct.I am not sure if they would,and if I did not have kids,I would not be that worried about it.

curiosityandthecat,you are in Taiwan? Thats the last place I was in before I came to the US,but it has been years.

curiosityandthecat · May 18, 2009, 04:21:45 PM

Quote from: "justkeepthatinmind"Thanks everybody for your support,I really appreciate.Its hard to find because most people in my town believe in some religion,its quite diverse for a smaller town.Its hard to find someone who just thinks that,Maybe there is something,maybe not.No one is even open to the possibility that maybe nothing is there.

Also Whitney,it is somewhat scary,I remember a Pakistani girl was strangled to death for refusing to wear Hijab,I dont remember if it was here or in the UK but I remember.I am sure some of the people I sit next to in a mosque would have no quarrels putting a knife in my belly for the sake of Allah,they will be rewarded for their conduct.I am not sure if they would,and if I did not have kids,I would not be that worried about it.

curiosityandthecat,you are in Taiwan? Thats the last place I was in before I came to the US,but it has been years.

The idea of having violence directed toward me because I don't have the same imaginary friend as my neighbors is just... well, insane.

justkeepthatinmind · May 18, 2009, 04:30:06 PM

Quote from: "curiosityandthecat"The idea of having violence directed toward me because I don't have the same imaginary friend as my neighbors is just... well, insane.

Yeah but it is the normal thing,some clerics demand it and in some countries like Iran it does happen.I just dont want to leave my kids without a father.Both my parents are dead,I dont want that for my kids.

Well I was there while I was waiting for all my applications to the US to go through.I stayed in Taipei,it was lovely although crowded.I noticed Taiwanese people are nice,unless they are driving

.I have a lot of stories,most just funny quirks of living there.I was there for about 5-6 months,not enough time to get used to,but enough time to get an idea of the culture.

BadPoison · May 18, 2009, 05:03:01 PM

Welcome to the forum! I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts!

rlrose328 · May 19, 2009, 11:34:02 PM

Oh my goodness... that brought tears to my eyes... both sad and happy. Your story is tragic but your revelations and searching are admirable and brave, especially in the world in which you (and we) live these days. I'm glad you found our site and have found words that have helped you in your quest for knowledge and peace. I will keep you in my thoughts. Thank you so much for sharing!

Sophus · May 20, 2009, 03:20:13 AM

Wow. Thanks for sharing and welcome, welcome. It's good to have you aboard. :hail:

justkeepthatinmind · May 22, 2009, 05:05:19 AM

Thank you badpoison and sophus.

rlrose,thank you for the warm welcome,I appreciate it.It is sad story but I hope for someone it can provide some confidence in case they are lacking.I hope eventually everyone can stand up for what they believe in.

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Leaving Islam....