Coming out to my family

[Whitney]

My main reason is that I hate lying. Pretending to pray, keeping my copy of The God Delusion out of sight, not being able to wear my "INFIDEL" shirt, these are all very uncomfortable things, but I have to do them to keep up this facade of apparent religiousness.

Even if you were outed, would you want to parade your anti-god views in front of your religious family members?  I think doing so is likely to push them away...they'll need some sort of reminder that you are still you and not some new person.

[Sophus]

My main reason is that I hate lying. Pretending to pray, keeping my copy of The God Delusion out of sight, not being able to wear my "INFIDEL" shirt, these are all very uncomfortable things, but I have to do them to keep up this facade of apparent religiousness.

Even if you were outed, would you want to parade your anti-god views in front of your religious family members?  I think doing so is likely to push them away...they'll need some sort of reminder that you are still you and not some new person.

I have to agree with Nazzer. You're not truly free until you have no secrets. I went through crap when I came out of the religious closet but given the chance I would do it all over again. I can't tolerate living so pretentiously every day.

[Whitney]

My main reason is that I hate lying. Pretending to pray, keeping my copy of The God Delusion out of sight, not being able to wear my "INFIDEL" shirt, these are all very uncomfortable things, but I have to do them to keep up this facade of apparent religiousness.

Even if you were outed, would you want to parade your anti-god views in front of your religious family members?  I think doing so is likely to push them away...they'll need some sort of reminder that you are still you and not some new person.

I have to agree with Nazzer. You're not truly free until you have no secrets. I went through crap when I came out of the religious closet but given the chance I would do it all over again. I can't tolerate living so pretentiously every day.

I completely agree with the no secrets part.  What I was intending do get across is that it might make her(?) partents really uncomfortable if she suddenly went from closeted to wearing Infidel shirts around the house overnight.  That's what I meant by "parade."

[VanReal]

I really understand the point of wanting to be honest with your Mom, and think it is refreshingly admirable.  I will say though that unless you have a very open-minded mother than can be accepting of your personal thoughts and views that this kind of thing, if not handled properly, can cause a lot of stress on your relationship.

I'm not recommending that she/he should pretend to be religious or a believer but some tact and ease may be wise, if you don't want Mom to "flip-out" and think she has gone wrong somewhere and begin to worry about something that's nothing to worry about.

Since I am a Mom of a son the same age I just think it's important to maintain a healthy relationship at this age with as little tension as possible.  I am sure there are MANY things he disagrees with me about, but he chooses carefully which he voices.  I am sure if he came in and told me that cats are stupid and he doesn't think they should live in the house and should all be exterminated our relationship would never be the same:)  It's important to be sensitive in a family, you don't have to fake it but you don't need to diminish an idea, thought or belief your loved one has just to voice your opinions that are in conflict with theirs.

[Nazzer]

Thanks for all the help guys.

If I decide to come out now, what kind of "strategies" do you propose I utilize?

[VanReal]

I would suggest finding a way to "buffer" what is going to be sad and disappointing news to her, while at the same time trying to explain how you feel and what you think without trying to convert her or belittle her beliefs.  It can be done, if you just keep in mind, throughout the conversation, her feelings and how important this may be to her.

I would try bringing it up while you are spending a little time with her.  My son generally talks to me about important things after we have spent a little time socializing and talking about other little fun or unimportant things.  I guess he knows to kind of butter me up a bit, you know putting me at ease and in a good mood and then laying it out there.  

I would just start with mentioning that you are not really interested in continuing religious pursuits, and although you know that's important to her you want to be honest with her and are choosing to talk with her about it rather than continuing to mislead her or outright lie to her.  I would say early on that you aren't trying to debate anything (you don't want to open it up to her trying to convince you that your thinking is worng) but instead are just trying to let her in on your thoughts and feelings.

Just go easy, and make sure to put her mind at ease early on so she doesn't do the mother thing of trying to fix you.  We tend to think when our kids are doing things that we wouldn't do, or that we don't think is right, that we need to jump in and correct it.  At your age it's easier for us to be a little more hands off if you are mature, non-combative and your speech to us is well thought out.  

You'll do fine, just go easy and don't be worried about stepping back if things get a litte agressive or she doesn't take the initial sting well.  You have plenty of time to explain or answer questions later.

[Nazzer]

Thank you very much for that advice.

However, I am looking for more long-term strategies. I've been told things like "Allow yourself to be seen doing progressively more non-religious things, like reading The Origin of Species or God is Not Great" and "start calling yourself agnostic", but I'm afraid that if I take the "calling myself agnostic" route, my family will think "He may have a chance" and attempt to guide me back to religion, possibly leading to just as bad a situation when they see that their plans didn't come into fruition.

[VanReal]

You are absolutely correct!  We are parents and we interfere in anything we see that may need to be "fixed" or we think we have a chance of changing.  As fruitless as it may be it's what we do because we feel the need to "mold" our kiddos.

That's why you don't approach the subject as if it's a problem or something you are considering, instead it's a fact, you are no longer in the fold (and you are more than willing to explain why if they are interested).  You aren't requesting help or attemtping a debate, you are just being honest and open and you are okay.  Make sure they know you aren't in your room worshiping the devil and eating babies, that helps!

Goo luck!

[Nazzer]

That may be difficult, since I have my room covered with the blood of virgins and pentagrams.




Just kidding folks.

[Whitney]

I'm not a parent, and I never had to come out to my family while I was your age; but maybe you could try asking if it would be okay if you quit attending church.  Be prepared to explain why in a very mature and thought out manner.  Your parents are not likely to respect your wishes if you pull a typical teenage tantrum routine (i'm not saying that you would personally throw a tantrum..but a lot of teenagers do).  You may have to compromise by agreeing to attend church while you live in their house, but it would at least give you an opportunity to come out with what you think needs to be said.  Just be prepared for your mom to be upset...she'll be in fear of your soul burning and (in her view) rightfully concerned.  I suggest avoiding lables such as atheist and agnostic since they come with preconceived notions...just say you don't believe a because of b and so on.  Your mom may label you as "lost,"  that's a pretty typical theistic sentiment.  If she does say that just acknowledge her concern and let her know you will always be willing to keep an open mind.

[Ihateyoumike]

... but I'm afraid that if I take the "calling myself agnostic" route, my family will think "He may have a chance" and attempt to guide me back to religion, possibly leading to just as bad a situation when they see that their plans didn't come into fruition.

You might want to think about the fact that if they are very religious, they may do the same thing whether you tell them you're agnostic, or that you're an atheist. You should prepare yourself for them continuing to try and "bring you back" for the rest of your life, no matter how much you say you don't believe.

However, this is not to say that you shouldn't be fully open with them if you're comfortable with that. Just be prepared to deal with it. In fact, the farther away from the religion you go, the harder they may try to pull you back in.

[dobbo996]

You do not need to 'come out' to anyone. Go your own way.

[MariaEvri]

You do not need to 'come out' to anyone. Go your own way.

I will ahve to agree with this one. I never felt the need to tell anyone that I do not believe in a god, not because i am afraid of their reaction, but because I think its a personal issue. If they ask though, I will say it...

[VanReal]

We've already suggested that, however this is a kid in junior high that doesn't want to lie to the parents anymore or pay lip service to religion.