Hello :)

[christie]

So i thought i would join and share my story...

I am 21 and I have always been brought up in a non-religious household; no one in my family is religious in any way. I don't have any particularly deeply religious friends either. All my life, particularly going into my teens I have been an incredibly happy person, confident in myself and in my life. I love myself and feel that i was extremely content and happy in who i was and the life i was given.
Earlier this year, at the end of February i met a man, ten years older than me at 31, who was a devout Christian. We started seeing each other and things were weird from the start (which i should have taken as major signs and run in the opposite direction). I have always been open minded and never judge anyone by their sex, class, race, or religion. Everyone is the same. However from the start this man questioned me incessantly about my lack of religion. He told me when he first met me he could tell i wasn't a Christian; when i told him i had dated many guys he assumed this meant i had slept with them all, yet i am quite conservative. He asked me one day, '...well then what is eternity?' and i replied 'it's infinite isn't it?', he seemed stumped and yet he still seemed determined to bring me down. When i told him of my love for Harry Potter his first point to make was that 'it's based on the bible'; true, there are parts which have religious connections but the significant amount of the books is quite separate, and i felt he had tainted something so close and personal to me.
No matter how much he carried on like this, i fell for him and liked him so much that i tried to reason around it. Every time we would get together we would act like a couple, kiss, and be intimate, and then the next day he would say we couldn't do that anymore, that it was wrong. He said because i wasn't a christian we couldn't be together. However still he would ask to see me and carry on acting the same, keeping me up so late at night that i would stay the night at his house... Eventually he asked if we could pray together so i obliged, for his sake. He told me he had asked his pastors at his church whether he should be with me and they both said no. Every time he carried on like this he hurt me more and more. Still i was stupid enough to stay.
Eventually he asked me to attend church with him one sunday and so i agreed. At the end they had an alter call, where you go up and accept jesus as your savior and be 'saved'. As music is a highly suggestive medium and the pastor was preaching, he worded it in such a way that i though i would be 'getting' to know jesus/christianity, not for myself but for the man i was seeing. As i went up to the alter call, i didn't realize but i was now what they called 'saved' and a 'christian'. I felt like i had been violated, tricked into something i had no intention of doing otherwise.
From then on i attended church with this man my feelings became confused; what was i doing? what did this mean? And all the while this man and i would argue, leaving me in tears almost every time i saw him. After all i had done, still never questioning him and his faith but always him questioning mine whenever i saw him, it was not enough and he said we could not be in proper relationship until i had put 'god' first in my life and formed a relationship with 'god'. He mentioned once how 'good it was of me to keep seeing my old friends' as if i were to abandon them now i was 'saved' and 'part of the church'. Though they were extremely nice people; I felt like i didn't fit in with the people at the church, like we didn't have anything in common. As time went on i felt less and less like myself.
He would talk about when we were 'married' and that he wanted kids now since he was 31. I said i did not want children until i was at least 28 as i have a few years to finish university and get a job and he would call me selfish, saying i was only thinking of myself and why couldn't i study part time and look after children? Still, this man said we could not be in a relationship until, as i said, i had formed a close relationship with 'god'. He said when we were in this relationship we could not do anything sexual except kiss even though now we were engaging in everything except penetrative sex, as that was his wish being a devout christian, that would be saved for marriage. After this would happen he would often talk of extreme regret, blaming it on me which would make me feel terrible. Early one morning he woke me before he went to work, kissing me and all the rest...as he lay on top of me, both of us naked, he thrusted into me but i did not feel it so sensitively as i was dry and it felt like dry humping. This went on for 5 minutes before i said if he pushed any harder we would have a situation to which he said he was already in me. I quickly pushed him off and felt for myself as he withdrew that yes, he was. He reasoned that since i wasn't a virgin or a devout christian he though it was ok and that i could feel it was going along with it.
I didn't see him for the rest of the week and when we met up on the friday i told him i didn't think we should see each other any more. He agreed for my sake, and i told him i wouldn't go to the church anymore to which he said someone from the church would call me and could i please talk to them about this. I hated this more than anything as they can't relate to how i'm feeling and would rather rely on my own friends to talk to. And so i attended a few more church sessions, to keep them all happy. As easter approached, i told them i was going away on holiday and i never returned after that. Numerous church people continued to call me and text me asking me what was up, even though i know this man would have talked to them as they are all each other's confidant's. I told them it was private and i wouldn't be coming to church any longer, eventually not replying to the messages before they stopped. This man called me one night, asking me why if i believed in god which i refused to answer. He said i was being stubborn and that it was a simple question. I asked whether my answer would determine whether we could be together or not and he eventually said yes. I told him that if it came down to that, i didn't care anymore and that love should have no agenda; that if that was what it depended on, i didn't want a relationship with him. I told him that christianity and church had made me a doubt myself, everything i believe in and not in a good way, that it was not good for me. He tried to tell me that maybe doing things differently AKA being a christian would make me a better person. I screamed at him down the phone. I was no longer that self assured, loving person that i had come to be.
I saw this man for the last time one saturday, returning his things and collecting mine. We left things on a good note but not long after he continued to call me and ask to meet up, leaving messages on my phone. I ignored them and eventually sent him one last text after incessant messages from him saying to leave me alone and that i had moved on. I deleted him from all areas of my life and haven't heard from him since.

This only carried on over the space of 2 months. He was so close minded, he could not seem to fathom how anyone could possibly be happy or content without the presence of christianity in their lives. He and his fellow church goers were so far led astray. Although i recognize not all christians are like this, i have been left burned. It has been about 2 months since it all ended and i feel like i have been robbed of my old self. It has gotten better but before i felt 90% of the time, content, self assured, and loving. Now i still feel those things but not as greatly, not as apparent as i used to. I know i can get back to my old self, i just need some time, understanding, and encouragement

Sorry for such a long rant, just had to get it off my chest!

[Recusant]

Hello and welcome to HAF, christie. It sounds like you had a rough time, and I'm glad you stood up for yourself eventually. You may feel like you've been taken away from your old self, but I agree that with some time you will be OK, and stronger than before; hopefully less vulnerable to people like this person.

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[OldGit]

Welcome, christie!

You've been through an unsettling experience, but in the end you'll probably be stronger for it.  Meanwhile, this is a good place to get it off your chest: we're on your side and we're listening.

What a sorry catalogue of all that goes with fundamentalist Christianity: hypocrisy, deceit, narrow-mindedness, selfishness, bullying.  You're well out of it.

[daddyferrari]

Hey Christie.  I'm sorry to hear that you've gone through such a bad experience, religion tends to make things worse, rather than better, when you fight someone elses beliefs. Your ex is the one that is selfish and ignorant, I'm surprised you did so much for him.  (I know love is a bitch and will make you do stupid things, you'll learn to recognize it after many failed attempts) 
Dont lose who you are over this guy, he obviously has so many more issues than you do and he has no idea how to help himself, without his "god".  You, on the other hand, do not need a god to be better.  You can be you by just being you!  Shake this guy off!  Be your incredible self, the one that you KNOW you are and pardon my french, but fuck that asshole!  You're better than that!  You know it, I know it, we all know it! 
Now get yourself back up and live your life for you.  You've got us here to help you, if you need it!!  Good luck Christie!

[markmcdaniel]

I don't know what to say other than good riddance and welcome.

[Ali]

Hi Christie,
Sorry to hear that you had such a rough time with that guy.  He sounds like he was very conflicted, and a big bully to boot, so I think you're well rid of him.  Welcome to HAF. 

[christie]

Thanks so much for all your support everyone feels great to be here!

[AnimatedDirt]

Welcome to HAF.  You will find support and friends here.  They are good people.  I'm sorry to hear that one of my fellow "believers" treated you in this manner.  That type of fundamentalist thinking is a sickness.

[Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism]

Hah! Violated huh? I went through the same thing last year at a Baptist church in SC.  I was pretty much forced into going there then tricked into getting baptized.  I raised my hand without realizing what the hell people were raising their hand for. I just wanted this guy to shut up.  Next thing I know I was taking a bath. At least the water was nice and warm. I felt quite violated and put on display for a bunch of right wing nutjobs.  Oh welcome btw. 

[christie]

kinda glad to know i'm not the only one who has been subjected to this, it was a horrible experience! and thanks AnimatedDirt

[kitty]

bloody hell, what a lot to go thru in such a  small amount of time. and what a fuckwit he was/is! i'm genuinely shocked that in his thirties he behaved like this, i mean, i've seen this kind of conflict in people when they're teens/early 20s, but it's almost disgraceful to be in that place at that age, taking it out on other people. bloke needs to grow up, grow a pair and find some self control.
i'm so sorry to hear about the things he put you thru and i hope you find that when yr less shaken by it, you find yr stronger because of it.
all the best and welcome (i'm quite fresh & new too) xxx

[En_Route]

Christie, you candour is remarkable.

[christie]

En_Route, i'll take that as a compliment?

[Buddy]

I'm a little late to the party, but hello and welcome.

[Amicale]

Christie, a warm welcome to you!

I'm so sorry to hear about what you went through, but I certainly agree with the others here that in the end, you'll be stronger for it -- already, you've come out on top, as you're starting to move on. Anyhow, you're among friends here, and I'm glad to meet you!