I haven't been idle, let's look at sex in the Bible

[Gawen]

When I do up multi-post threads, as I am wont to do from time to time (as so many of you know), I need to take a break afterward. After a few weeks an idea comes to mind and off I go again. This time it's a short look into sex in the Bible. I'll do this in two or three posts. As you read, you will notice how much sex there is in the Hebrew Bible - little of it good and much of the rest paired with violence.

So what happens when you take a raunchy sex story and dress it up in sometimes grandiloquent words and in olde English? Rather than using such phrases as "Lilith preferred reverse cowgirl," or "slinging a white hot streaming bolt of love juice on the ground", Biblical sex is referenced almost exclusively as "coming in unto". But once you get past the unimaginative prose...

Drunken Sex With Your Daughters In A Cave
My Sunday school lessons tended to focus on God turning Lot's wife into a pillar of salt. It seems to be the image intended to distract us from something like...like...flagrant incest (Genesis 19:30-36). Why in the world were they so eager to procure semen that it had to come from dear old dad? And in such a need of it they conspired to have the second daughter get some the next night? The answer is the older daughter exclaims to the younger her fear that, for lack of a mate, they are now to be childless (never mind about not having a husband).  Alcohol in the story is wine, which raises the question: how much wine do you have to drink before you became oblivious to the fact that you have sex with your daughters...twice?

Orgy Anyone?
Of course there is the orgy scene with Aaron and the golden calf. It wasn't the orgy that incensed Moses, but the golden calf idol.

Jacob, Two Sisters And The Maid
In Genesis 29: 21-28, Jacob takes a job where he is paid entirely in...woman. His boss promised his daughter Rachel in exchange for seven years of work. After the seven years, the boss pulls the old switcheroo and gives Jacob his daughter Leah (apparently not as good looking as Rachel). Unless Leah and Rachel were identical twin sisters, there should be very little reason why Jacob wouldn't realize fairly early in the process that he had the wrong sister. Then again, perhaps they were serving some of Lot's date-rape wine at the party.

The Torah offers further explanation in Megillah 13b: Jacob and Rachel actually expected Laban (the boss) to perform the swap and devised a secret signal to reveal that it was really her under the veil (apparently lifting the veil was too obvious). At any rate, Rachel (a bitch) taught Leah the signal to double cross Jacob. After waking up to the presumably hideous Leah, Jacob offered to work another seven years to get Rachel, who obviously does not want Jacob.

If you read the passage you'll notice that right in the middle of it is a third woman: Zilpah, Leah's "hand maid." She's right between the verse commencing the night of the surprise boning and the verse concluding it. What was she doing there? Watching? Fluffer? Cheer squad? Taking notes? Waiting for the 'bloody sheet'? Ah, alas, later Leah becomes barren and has Zilpah step in to get children for her with Jacob. Apparently, Zilpah was taking notes.

Abraham And Sarah
When the childless Sarah is seventy-six, she offers to eighty-six-year-old Abraham her Egyptian handmaid Hagar. "Go into my maid that I might have children by her." Like a good husband, Abraham does as he's told, and Hagar conceives, bearing "a wild ass of a man" she names Ishmael. What happens next is the stuff of soap operas. I have wondered if Sarah watched...

The Punishment For Spilled Milk Is Death
If you've ever heard of "onanism", well, you have Onan to thank. Onan was apparently one of the pioneers in the art of ejaculating somewhere other than into a vagina. Genesis 38:8-10:
Then Judah said to Onan, "Go in to your brother's wife, and perform your duty as a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother."  Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so when he went in to his brother's wife, he wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the LORD; so He took his life also.
Now there's something a woman never forgets. You're porking your deceased husband's brother, he spooges on the ground, and he is then promptly struck dead by the Lord. Talk about awkward...poor girl. This particular verse is taken out-of-context when it gave birth (pun intended) to "onanism," which refers to both coitus interruptus and masturbation. This story became the basis for faulty Christian arguments against masturbation. Honestly, if God killed everyone who masturbated, the world's population would now be all male somewhere around 144,000.

Absalom And The Ten Concubines
King David's oldest son Amnon rapes his half-sister Tamar. Her full brother Absalom has Amnon murdered. Note that there is no concern for Tamar, but rather, David mourns Amnon's death, and Absalom leaves Jerusalem, spending three years in self-exile.

After Absoloms' return, he leads a rebellion against David. Now it's David who leaves Jerusalem, but he leaves ten of his concubines behind. Absalom asks Ahithophel, a royal counselor and traitor to David, what to do next. "Go into thy father's concubines," the counselor tells him. Such a power play will show the people who is now in charge. A tent is spread on top of the house, and Absalom has sex with David's ten concubines "in the sight of all Israel." This fulfills a prophecy of Nathan following David's adultery with Bathsheba and the killing of her husband Uriah: God tells David through the prophet "a neighbour shall lie with thy wives in the sight of this sun."

The rebellion fails. Ahithophel hangs himself and Absalom dies after riding under a tree and getting his hair caught in the branches (That had to have hurt!). David thus loses another unscrupulous son and whines about it ("O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! Would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son!"). As for the ten concubines, David never again has sex with them again, keeping them shut up, "in widowhood, unto the day of their death." (2 Sam. 12:11, 13:1-20:3)

My Daughter-In-Law The Hooker
Try to find all the things wrong in this passage, from Gen. 38:13-19:
It was told to Tamar that her father-in-law, Judah is going to Timnah to shear his sheep. So she removed her widow's garments, covered herself with a veil, wrapped herself, and sat in the gateway of Enaim, which is on the road to Timnah. When Judah saw her, he thought she was a hooker and not his daughter-in-law, for she had covered her face. So he turned to her by the road and said, "Here now, let me come in to you".
She relies, "What will you give me, that you may come in to me?"
He said, "I will send you a young goat from the flock."
She said, "Will you give a pledge until you send it?"
He said, "What pledge shall I give you?"
And she said, "Your seal and your cord, and your staff that is in your hand."
So he gave them to her, they had sex and she conceived. Then she departed, took off the veil and put on her widow's garments.

One would think the Bible compilers would just edit out all of the misconceptions involving veils, considering how many times people accidentally (and purposefully) have sex with the wrong person. Note that the frisky girl above is the same girl (Tamar) who witnessed Onan being slain by the LORD for fertilizing dirt. Tamar, in this case is not to be outdone, gets right back on the horse; lo and behold - it's Judah - Onan's dad. Score! And not only that, prostitution was legal. If you don't think any of this is hot, you have never been to a really (wine) drunk family reunion where all the women wear veils and no one is aware it's a family reunion.

Adam And Eve
When God commands them, "Be fruitful and multiply", it should follow that Adam and Eve engage humpty-hump early on. However, the couple remains childless while in Eden, and until the Fall (that never was) Adam and Eve are not even aware they are naked. The first sex act described in the Bible comes after Eden: "And Adam knew Eve his wife". Some scholars take this to mean that Adam and Eve are not aware of their sexuality before the Fall. But that makes nonsense of the divine command to procreate. In the book of Jubilees: 3:6, Adam and Eve have sex as soon as God introduces them. According to rabbinic tradition, Eve is not Adam's first wife. His first wife is Lilith, leaves him because Adam won't let her be the sexual "cowgirl" she wants to be.

And that's it for tonight. Hope you all enjoyed!

Tomorrow's selections will be the Song of Solomon and Ahab and Jezebel, amongst others.

[Sweetdeath]

This is the most fucked up shit i've ever read, and I read Shinto mythology. .... I don't know how to feel for the people who truly believe this stuff. Though now I really do want to memorize I so.i can use it valily against she-bitch and other christians alike.

How can anyone NOT see how wrong this book truly is?


Thanks Gawen, for an awesome post as always.

[AnimatedDirt]

Very good stories to show exactly what man is like.  Nothing is hidden.  It is all interpreted fairly well by you, Gawen.

The interesting fact is that no human story is without something(s) that are ugly.  We all have secrets.  These are supposed to be historical books that keep a record of lives...would it have been better if all that was left out?  What would the criticism be then?

Man, apart from biblical man, is quite pleasant and has luckily never done anything like what we read in the bible.

[Too Few Lions]

I've been reading a lot of the early Christians' pathetic attempts at apologetics recently, and it's amazing how anti-sex they are. They continually harp on about Zeus and the other Greek gods being debauch devils rather than gods for having sexual relations with mortals (including a male youth in Zeus' case), yet omit to mention all the debauchery in their own holy texts...

[Ali]

I'm not big on the bible, but I have to say that I kind of agree with AnimatedDirt.  One of my very dear friends is studying to become a UU minister, and part of that involves a LOT of indepth biblical analysis.  One of the things that I love about her is that she doesn't deny that the Bible is chock full o'crazy.  What she says, basically, is that the bible is violent and contradictory and fucked up (yes, she uses the F word, more than I do, in fact) because it's about the human experience, and the human experience is violent and contradictory and fucked up.

I don't believe in the divinity of the bible, but I do accept that as a reasonable explanation for why some of the stuff in the bible is so insane and messed up.  It is, because people are.

[Sweetdeath]

I've been reading a lot of the early Christians' pathetic attempts at apologetics recently, and it's amazing how anti-sex they are. They continually harp on about Zeus and the other Greek gods being debauch devils rather than gods for having sexual relations with mortals (including a male youth in Zeus' case), yet omit to mention all the debauchery in their own holy texts...

Haha, that would be Ganymede. He's in my gmail address. I heart greek myths, because at least the greek gods were open douche bags.

[AnimatedDirt]

I've been reading a lot of the early Christians' pathetic attempts at apologetics recently, and it's amazing how anti-sex they are. They continually harp on about Zeus and the other Greek gods being debauch devils rather than gods for having sexual relations with mortals (including a male youth in Zeus' case), yet omit to mention all the debauchery in their own holy texts...

I think you'd be hard-pressed to find a Christian that denys the debauchery in the bible.  It is full of man's love of money, sex, power...you name it, it's in there.  It's also full of man's repentance, man's self-reflection that there is nothing...that he is mortal, that he cannot do anything he wants.  God...but then that goes into something of faith and not of proof.  The better point to bring up is; Why is it in there?  What can we gain from that knowledge?  Putting God aside...what possible good can one bring out of all that "history".  (I put history in quotations because for the typical Atheist, these books are fairytales)

[Sweetdeath]

I get the feeling you are in a bad mood, AD.

[Stevil]

It seems women were just sex objects according to men from that region almost 2,000 years ago.
The best perceived woman, Mary was a pure innocent virgin.

The worst of humanity, depicted to show how welcoming and gracious Jesus was, Mary Magdalene was a wretched slutty whore.

[AnimatedDirt]

I get the feeling you are in a bad mood, AD.

Not at all.  Forgive me for my "sounding" like I'm in a bad mood.  Just throwing my points in the mix. 

[AnimatedDirt]

It seems women were just sex objects according to men from that region almost 2,000 years ago.
The best perceived woman, Mary was a pure innocent virgin.

The worst of humanity, depicted to show how welcoming and gracious Jesus was, Mary Magdalene was a wretched slutty whore.

I'm not getting your point here.  Are you suggesting that since then (the fairytale biblical times), men have seen women as equals and are no longer sex objects?  That Mary was not pure, innocent, nor a virgin?

About M.M.  I'll need some clarification on what you may be driving at.

[Stevil]

I'm not getting your point here.  Are you suggesting that since then (the fairytale biblical times), men have seen women as equals and are no longer sex objects?  That Mary was not pure, innocent, nor a virgin?

About M.M.  I'll need some clarification on what you may be driving at.

I don't see the bible as knowledge or historical fact. I see it as a story book written by men from the middle east region 2,000 years ago.

Does the book talk about the sexual status of men, being virgins or whores?
Why did Mary need to be written as a virgin? Of course as a believer you simply see this as a historical fact.
But for me, there was a purpose behind the author making the fictional character Mary a virgin.

Yes, there are still people today whom value a woman's virginity, suggesting it is the measure of a woman's pureness.
I would suggest that the majority of atheists see the woman as a person and her value is that of the person she is rather than whom she has or hasn't slept with.

Isn't the fictional character M.M. used as an example of how loving J.C. is towards all people? (of course again, you see historical fact, but please just imagine from an Atheist perspective that this is simply a fictional story, made up in the imagination of the male author)
Would the meaning of J.C's relationship with M.M. be lost if she were a virgin rather than a whore?

[AnimatedDirt]

I don't see the bible as knowledge or historical fact. I see it as a story book written by men from the middle east region 2,000 years ago.

I'm not surprised.

Does the book talk about the sexual status of men, being virgins or whores?

Not to my knowledge.  Is it any different today?

Why did Mary need to be written as a virgin? Of course as a believer you simply see this as a historical fact.
But for me, there was a purpose behind the author making the fictional character Mary a virgin.

I'd like to hear what your opinion is on this.  I believe there are a few reasons.

Yes, there are still people today whom value a woman's virginity, suggesting it is the measure of a woman's pureness.

It's part and I'd go so far as to say it is a huge part up until the age when she can make decisions on her own of what to get involved with and what not to get involved with.

I would suggest that the majority of atheists see the woman as a person and her value is that of the person she is rather than whom she has or hasn't slept with.

Does this not fall into the same thinking that the fairytale may be suggesting?

Isn't the fictional character M.M. used as an example of how loving J.C. is towards all people? (of course again, you see historical fact, but please just imagine from an Atheist perspective that this is simply a fictional story, made up in the imagination of the male author)

Not only his love but shows why she loved him too.

Would the meaning of J.C's relationship with M.M. be lost if she were a virgin rather than a whore?

Not at all, however the fairytale wouldn't necessarily be a fairytale if it were not for strife and the evils of man.

[Stevil]

Why did Mary need to be written as a virgin? Of course as a believer you simply see this as a historical fact.
But for me, there was a purpose behind the author making the fictional character Mary a virgin.

I'd like to hear what your opinion is on this.  I believe there are a few reasons.

Possibly to paint a picture that Mary is a worth mother of JC. A pure woman, untouched by the evils of sex.
I don't understand the theistic condemnation of sexual activity. Sex is part of nature.

I would suggest that the majority of atheists see the woman as a person and her value is that of the person she is rather than whom she has or hasn't slept with.

Does this not fall into the same thinking that the fairytale may be suggesting?
[/quote]
"fairytale" is your word, please don't attempt to put words in my mouth.
That is what I am suggesting, the story of JC and MM is to suggest that JC values MM as a person.
But MM was made as a whore because that is what the audience would relate to, that a whore woman is the worst of society, and to express that JC loves all, even the worst of society.
In my opinion there is nothing wrong with a woman choosing the occupation of prostitution.

[Sweetdeath]

Aww yeah, times have changed since 2,000 years ago. O__o... Most human beings view women as equals and dont judge her by her sexual history. A lot has changed... Wow.

Someone being a virgin or not has NOTHING to do with how kind and loving a person they are. (men included.)