Toast of the Gods

MadBomr101 · December 28, 2011, 12:50:01 AM

Something I've noticed for years are the sad and pathetic events that pass for miracles now. Reading through the bible one can't help but notice the scale of the miracles credited to god. You've got global floods, parting seas, cities razed to the ground, plagues on demand, the whole wrath of god concept is played out to maximum effect, that effect being to awe and humble mankind in the face of god's might.

What passes for a miracle these days: the image of Jesus on toast, or on a taco, or in the markings on the side of a cow, or winning the big game, or just some trivial personal triumph or stroke of luck. There is a precipitous plunge in the quality of god's work here.

So what happened?

What changed god from those loud, highly extroverted displays of power to something as lame as the suggestion of his kid's face on a pancake? In these wicked times one would think god would be even more pissed off at his creation for having continued to fall from grace in the same way ancient man had. Clearly nothing was learned and Man is as sinful and wicked as he's ever been yet god remains uncharacteristically silent.

Too silent.

One doesn't go from being the earth shaking, fire raising, water parting, plague throwing, first-born taking omnipotent madman from on high in the bible to the toast burning, Bowl game winning, $500 lottery ticket buying klunker we have now. You'd have to be medicated on a Thorazine drip to mellow out that much, particularly if you wield infinate cosmic power. There can only be one reasonable explanation; none of it really happened.

No god at all is a reasonable inference to draw from the overwhelming lack of activity over the last two thousand years. But I'm a reasonable guy so I'll give god a fair chance based on the revised terms of his miracles. If god is real, all he has to do to convince me is to burn the image of ANYONE onto my next batch of toast.

Anyone at all: Katie Couric, Ryan Seacrest, Ben Stein, Snookie, The Bee Gees, Jon Voigt, Terry Bradshaw, Charles Manson, Roberta Flack, Queen Victoria, JoJo the Dog Faced Boy, the fat guy who played Boss Hogg in The Dukes of Hazzard, Alexander Graham Bell, Thomas Jefferson, Michelangelo, Emporer Hadrian, hell, it could be Kermit the Frog for all I care. As long as it's a recognizable image, I'll concede I've been wrong and embrace the existence of god, I mean, God.

So the ball's in god's court.

I'm going to go make some toast.

BullyforBronto · December 28, 2011, 12:57:22 AM

Ha! You can have your toast. I mean, Boss Hog on rye would be cool and all, but I'll take the winning lottery ticket, please. God, are you there? I'll totally believe in you if I win the lottery this weekend.

MadBomr101 · December 28, 2011, 01:05:28 AM

Toast is made.

I'm still an atheist.

God fucks it up again.

Recusant · December 28, 2011, 01:38:33 AM

Christians have a canned answer to this in their Bible:

Deuteronomy 6:16 Do not put the LORD your God to the test as you did at Massah.

Matthew 4:7 Jesus answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.' "

Luke 4:12 Jesus answered, "It is said: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.' "

YHVH, his son and his covert operative do not do tricks on command, and it is forbidden to ask.

So there.

Gawen · December 28, 2011, 01:49:15 AM

Quote from: Recusant

So there.

*laffin*

MadBomr101 · December 28, 2011, 01:52:51 AM

Quote from: Recusant on December 28, 2011, 01:38:33 AM
Christians have a canned answer to this in their Bible:

Deuteronomy 6:16 Do not put the LORD your God to the test as you did at Massah.

Matthew 4:7 Jesus answered him, "It is also written: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.' "

Luke 4:12 Jesus answered, "It is said: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.' "

YHVH, his son and his covert operative do not do tricks on command, and it is forbidden to ask.

So there.

I'm calling shenanigans on that. Sounds like a pre-emptive attempt to excuse failure. It's not like I asked him to part Lake Superior, or smote anyone, it's toast for chrissakes! He did it for that woman who sold her grilled cheese sandwich on e-bay and netted $23,000. If he can do it for her, he can do it for me. Infinite cosmic power and all he has to do is show me someone on toast.

He's one Stone Cold Steve Austin on rye away from having me.

MadBomr101 · December 28, 2011, 01:54:15 AM

Quote from: Gawen on December 28, 2011, 01:49:15 AM
Quote from: Recusant

So there.
*laffin*

Oh, if I believed in god you would be so smoted for that.

Gawen · December 28, 2011, 01:58:09 AM

A fun thread!!

A great start Bomr, to be sure.

Oh...and Bronto, God could give me the winning numbers BEFORE I play. Actually, if God gives you AND me the winning numbers, I may just have to rethink my position.

Course....I ain't holdin' my breath.

Gawen · December 28, 2011, 02:00:56 AM

Quote from: MadBomr101 on December 28, 2011, 01:54:15 AM
Quote from: Gawen on December 28, 2011, 01:49:15 AM
Quote from: Recusant

So there.
*laffin*

Oh, if I believed in god you would be so smoted for that.

Ohh...the 'ol lady does that to me all the time....

Quite used to it, really.

BullyforBronto · December 28, 2011, 02:03:08 AM

I never buy lottery tickets, so it truly would be a miracle if I win.

Stone Cold Steve Austin? That wouldn't make me a believer. Now, if my club sandwich comes complete with an etching of Junkyard Dog, we're in the God business.

DeterminedJuliet · December 28, 2011, 02:03:48 AM

This reminds me of that guy who was in "Religulous" whose "miracle" was getting rain one time when he asked for it.

It really made me wonder how many times he walked around randomly asking the sky for rain. Bet that'd be fun to see.

MadBomr101 · December 28, 2011, 02:06:06 AM

Quote from: DeterminedJuliet on December 28, 2011, 02:03:48 AM
This reminds me of that guy who was in "Religulous" whose "miracle" was getting rain one time when he asked for it.

It really made me wonder how many times he walked around randomly asking the sky for rain. Bet that'd be fun to see.

I freakin' LOVE that documentary. Bill Maher for President.

MadBomr101 · December 28, 2011, 02:08:10 AM

Quote from: BullyforBronto on December 28, 2011, 02:03:08 AMStone Cold Steve Austin? That wouldn't make me a believer. Now, if my club sandwich comes complete with an etching of Junkyard Dog, we're in the God business.

My Steve Austin Reuben could kick your Junkyard Dog Club's ass!

BullyforBronto · December 28, 2011, 02:12:05 AM

Quote from: MadBomr101 on December 28, 2011, 02:08:10 AM
Quote from: BullyforBronto on December 28, 2011, 02:03:08 AMStone Cold Steve Austin? That wouldn't make me a believer. Now, if my club sandwich comes complete with an etching of Junkyard Dog, we're in the God business.

My Steve Austin Reuben could kick your Junkyard Dog Club's ass!

Dude, if Rowdy Roddy Piper shows up on one of my Scotch eggs, you're toast!

MadBomr101 · December 28, 2011, 02:29:20 AM

Quote from: BullyforBronto on December 28, 2011, 02:12:05 AMDude, if Rowdy Roddy Piper shows up on one of my Scotch eggs, you're toast!

Speaking of eggs and toast, next time I order breakfast at a restaurant I'm going to insist my toast have an image of Jesus burned into it or I'm not paying for the meal. Then the waitress won't get her tip and her children will go hungry. You want that on your conscience, god?

It's your move infinate cosmic power boy.

News:

Toast of the Gods