Dealing with ex-friends

[Julia]

A question aimed mostly at those who left religions at some point in their lives. How did you deal with the individuals you'd thought for years were your friends, but turned on you the moment you stepped outside their holy huddle? The sort who promised undying devotion as "brothers", but whose promises turned out to be entirely conditional on agreeing with them?

Having gone through it, I can see why so many find it hard to leave. I still don't think I've resolved everything - one friend in particular, an old flatmate, best man at my (first) wedding, extremely well educated, was a pretty resolute rationalist until he got dragged off to a charismatic church a few times and had some sort of "miraculous" experience. Now every year we get a christmas card, with a stock letter about all the "blessings" his family have had off at bible camp, and a coldly polite bit at the bottom just to say hello to us. I just get upset thinking did all those shared experiences really count for nothing...?

[tacoma_kyle]

If your friendship was lost due to their objection to your views when you have been tolerating theirs for years---they can go ahead if I was in the situation.

That what happened specifically? I was a little unclear.

[Julia]

There are two things that bug me. First is the fact that they - and other fundies I knew - won't come out and say "you're no longer my friend". That  would be easy to deal with as everything is clear, and we can all move on. The message is more like "we consider you a friend, because Jesus told us we must, but we don't want to taint ourselves by actually doing things that friends do" - they want us to be the first to break things off, like that will confirm their view of how much we are fallen.

Then there's the emotional attachment of shared experience - as students we lived together, worked together, mucked around together... that seems to count for nothing with them now. It's clear I was never a "proper" fundie as they seem to have this mystical ability to completely blank off the past wherever it doesn't involve other fundies. Anything that was Before Salvation must only be talked about in hushed tones. They maintain a pretence that all that happened before was deeply evil - presumably so that they can have an absolutely fantastic sounding testimony, when basically nothing outward changed except that they were always busy on Sundays.

[Steve Reason]

Yeah, when I told my best friend of 30 odd years, it was all he could focus on. Of course he thought I was going through some sort of crisis and that I'll eventually come to my senses. Though he tried to understanding me, he just didn't get it. He thinks I'm a little lost sheep that just needs someone to show me the way back.

He's a fundie, and wouldn't be able to see past that--despite all the years as friends. And I sure as hell don't care to be preached to. So our friendship pretty much ended when I told him.

In other words, Julia, that's just what happens when you leave that sort of situation, or when a friend becomes a fundie. Religion separates people, and you never truly have a bond with someone on a human level until it has been tested by something like the dissolution of religious bonds. My friendship with my friend was centered on us agreeing on most things, and now that that is no longer the case, our friendship has evaporated.

I fear that your case is no different. It's just best to move on and be thankful that you're not in your friends place.

[tacoma_kyle]

Do they 'know' you dont believe in god--or just suspect?

But yeah I hate it when people feel obligated to 'support' you in whatever the way. Shit why dont they just say 'hey, I have something on my mind....blablabla.' Like damn, if you dont like the dinner I cooked give me suggestions in some way---not some watered down mumbo jumbo....


That was the single most bad-ass comparison ever...heh

[Bella]

I just kind of wrote them off. Some of them have popped up out of nowhere to extend invites to "connect"... which means they want to "save" me. I don't need to deal with that stuff. Friends come and go and that can suck, I know. At least it wasn't due to something really ugly.

I guess I just categorize it in that they have something else that they think is more important than me or my friendship... their invisible friend... so they can bugger off.

[bitter_sweet_symphony]

I can relate to your situation. I broke up with the guy who I thought was my soul mate cause he couldn't date an atheist. We are still "friends" but the only topic we talk of, or he talks of is why I should come back into the fold of his favorite religion. This leads to a lot of awkward situations since we have the same circle of friends and meet often at parties.

What I feel is that if a person's opinion of you changes just because you no longer believe in a religion, the person wasn't much of a friend to begin with. I try to be polite and friendly around such people and not bother if things aren't the same with them anymore. Sorry if this doesn't help much.