New member with immediate question

[Melody]

Hi
I live in Pennsylvania and have been an atheist since I was very young. I used to be a research scientist, but have switched careers and now run my own photography business. I have never had a problem with declaring myself an atheist and was never in the closet about it. Surprisingly, not one single person has ever given me grief about it or tried to engage in conversation in an attempt to convert me. I think anyone who knows even a little about me realizes it would be futile!
Lately, though, I've been a bit flummoxed about how to respond to well-meaning religious people. My mom (also an atheist) had a lung transplant two months ago and is doing poorly. She has been hospitalized since her surgery on July 21 and has experienced all manner of complications. It's been extremely difficult, but I am doing well. This situation is so out of my control and the staff at the hospital so supremely competent that there is just no point in me being stressed out or worried. She doesn't need the extra stress and it's only harmful to me. If this particular institution can't help her, nobody can and that's just life. People get sick and die, especially parents and that's just the way it is.
The problem is statements like this:
Hand your concerns and worries about your mom over to God.  He is there by her side throught this whole ordeal.
That's from a friend of the family with whom we recently reconnected after not seeing her and her husband for many years. I hear hogwash like that all the time Do I bother to tell them that we can do without the god crap? If so, how would I state that politely? Or is it just one of those times in which one keeps their mouth shut and accepts the caring sentiment? I realize they're trying to be supportive, but it just rankles me.
I know these people mean well but those types of statements piss me off for a couple of reasons. One, they assume that I believe the same thing they do. Two, it discredits the doctors and staff at the hospital who are verging on superhumans in their competence and caring. Three, I'm handling this as well as can be expected, probably better than a lot of people would. It's insulting to me to assume that I'm just going to pieces and that I need support from some fictitious freak in the sky.
I really wish I had a tactful way to express gratitude for their caring sentiment, but let them know that the god bunk is just not welcome. ANyone been in this situation?
thanks
Melody

[Too Few Lions]

hi Melody
I can understand how such comments could vex you, they would me too. If I'm honest I'd be quite blunt with these people and say 'thanks for your support, I appreciate it a lot, but I don't believe in your god. I'll put my trust in the doctors and medical science.'
My mum died when I was 21, but thankfully I don't really know any religious people and I don't remember having to put up with any of that kind of rubbish. I would have been quite rude to anyone who said something like that back then, I'm mellower these days.
oh, and welcome to the forum.

[OldGit]

Greetings and welcome, Melody.

Seems to me all you can do is grit your teeth and remember that they mean well.  Not easy, I know.

[Melody]

thankfully I don't really know any religious people and I don't remember having to put up with any of that kind of rubbish.

Wow. I can't imagine being able to say that! I live in farm country and the jesus hogwash here is pretty pervasive. I only know a few other atheists; my siblings, mom and a few friends.

[Whitney]

Welcome to HAF.

I'd just tell them that while I appreciate their concern that since I'm not religious and value the hard work of medical staff that comments about turning it over to god rub me the wrong way and I'd appreciate if they not mention it again.

[Tank]

Hi
I live in Pennsylvania and have been an atheist since I was very young. I used to be a research scientist, but have switched careers and now run my own photography business. I have never had a problem with declaring myself an atheist and was never in the closet about it. Surprisingly, not one single person has ever given me grief about it or tried to engage in conversation in an attempt to convert me. I think anyone who knows even a little about me realizes it would be futile!
Lately, though, I've been a bit flummoxed about how to respond to well-meaning religious people. My mom (also an atheist) had a lung transplant two months ago and is doing poorly. She has been hospitalized since her surgery on July 21 and has experienced all manner of complications. It's been extremely difficult, but I am doing well. This situation is so out of my control and the staff at the hospital so supremely competent that there is just no point in me being stressed out or worried. She doesn't need the extra stress and it's only harmful to me. If this particular institution can't help her, nobody can and that's just life. People get sick and die, especially parents and that's just the way it is.
The problem is statements like this:
Hand your concerns and worries about your mom over to God.  He is there by her side throught this whole ordeal.
That's from a friend of the family with whom we recently reconnected after not seeing her and her husband for many years. I hear hogwash like that all the time Do I bother to tell them that we can do without the god crap? If so, how would I state that politely? Or is it just one of those times in which one keeps their mouth shut and accepts the caring sentiment? I realize they're trying to be supportive, but it just rankles me.
I know these people mean well but those types of statements piss me off for a couple of reasons. One, they assume that I believe the same thing they do. Two, it discredits the doctors and staff at the hospital who are verging on superhumans in their competence and caring. Three, I'm handling this as well as can be expected, probably better than a lot of people would. It's insulting to me to assume that I'm just going to pieces and that I need support from some fictitious freak in the sky.
I really wish I had a tactful way to express gratitude for their caring sentiment, but let them know that the god bunk is just not welcome. ANyone been in this situation?
thanks
Melody

Hi Melody

I think you have the answer already, I bolded the underlying issue in your post.

You don't need the additional stress that these people are unintentionally putting on you. They know that you are already stressed, that gives you a little leeway in your behaviour. I would simply say something along the lines of "I know you mean well but I don't believe what you believe and I find what you say upsetting." It's simple, true and to the point. Given the situation you face (my father died of lung cancer) you have enough on your plate and you need to assert yourself on this matter.

Welcome to HAF

Regards
Chris

[Always Amused]

Welcome.

You hit the nail on the head - all of the situation is out of your control. Some people make comments like this sincerely, others may be sincere but trying to evangelize. If they know your are an atheist, these statements are rude. Hospitals are not conducive to religious discussions or debates, but some people are on a "mission" of course.

In any case, your main concern is your Mom and only you can evaluate if responding to these comments will help or hurt her situation or yours.

This is a personal decision, but if it were me, I would probably just say something like "Thank you for your concern. My Mom is getting wonderful care from the dedicated doctors and staff here, and that gives me peace and hope."

Then, if they know you and your Mom are atheists and made these comments, send them a book about atheism for a Christmas present or whatever religious holiday they celebrate. If they don't think evangelizing in a hospital is rude, they should not take offense at getting a book on atheism on their favorite religious holiday!

I have a friend who had the same operation about 10 years ago and is doing fine. Best wishes.

[Melody]

No joke, my aunt just emailed me this about half an hour ago:

I have never asked you this before, but do you think it would help your mom if a minister or someone from the church came to talk to her?  I don't know what her spiritual thoughts have been.

I told her it would most likely irritate my mom beyond measure since she's an atheist and always has been. Once again, as it is for most all of us non-believers, the burden of consideration is on me. Here I am being rubbed the wrong way by all these comments and if I say anything, you know darn well I will be branded and ungrateful hater for rebuking these kind and comforting words of solace in my time of sorrow.  

Chris, I like this point you made:

that gives you a little leeway in your behaviour.

Maybe I will indeed throw niceties to the wind. I almost feel like doing a blog post telling people we just don't need their jesus juice. Kind words, thoughts, gestures, yes, we'll take all we can get.

[Tank]

Melody

I just re-read my post and I think I should add that my father died in 1977, treatments have improved no end since then.

Do give your Mum our best wishes and get her to join in here. Did you see that atheist evangelising 

[Too Few Lions]

thankfully I don't really know any religious people and I don't remember having to put up with any of that kind of rubbish.

Wow. I can't imagine being able to say that! I live in farm country and the jesus hogwash here is pretty pervasive. I only know a few other atheists; my siblings, mom and a few friends.

I live in a city in the UK, thankfully we're a pretty secular nation. All my friends are atheists, agnostics  and a handful of pagans, and I don't really know or come into contact with any Christians  

No joke, my aunt just emailed me this about half an hour ago:

I have never asked you this before, but do you think it would help your mom if a minister or someone from the church came to talk to her?  I don't know what her spiritual thoughts have been.

I told her it would most likely irritate my mom beyond measure since she's an atheist and always has been.

Good on you, I do find that email pretty outrageous, and feel you're well within your rights to be quite blunt in your response. I'm a staunch atheist and if I was ill in hospital and a someone emailed that to my sister or close family, I'd want them to tell that person how inappropriate a suggestion that is in no uncertain terms.

[Tank]

No joke, my aunt just emailed me this about half an hour ago:

I have never asked you this before, but do you think it would help your mom if a minister or someone from the church came to talk to her?  I don't know what her spiritual thoughts have been.

I told her it would most likely irritate my mom beyond measure since she's an atheist and always has been.

Good on you, I do find that email pretty outrageous, and feel you're well within your rights to be quite blunt in your response. I'm a staunch atheist and if I was ill in hospital and a someone emailed that to my sister or close family, I'd want them to tell that person how inappropriate a suggestion that is in no uncertain terms.

I feel that what Melody's aunt said was pretty sensible as the aunt states "I don't know what her spiritual thoughts have been.". So the aunt isn't assuming that a minister is a good thing, she's just asking. How can one find out things if one does not ask questions? The aunt is feeling her way, unless of course she knows Melody's mum is an atheist in which case she's fishing for souls which is pretty despicable IMO.

[Too Few Lions]

I feel that what Melody's aunt said was pretty sensible as the aunt states "I don't know what her spiritual thoughts have been.". So the aunt isn't assuming that a minister is a good thing, she's just asking. How can one find out things if one does not ask questions? The aunt is feeling her way, unless of course she knows Melody's mum is an atheist in which case she's fishing for souls which is pretty despicable IMO.

True, maybe it's just me, I wouldn't appreciate relatives saying those things and would have a bit of a knee-jerk reaction.

[Tank]

I feel that what Melody's aunt said was pretty sensible as the aunt states "I don't know what her spiritual thoughts have been.". So the aunt isn't assuming that a minister is a good thing, she's just asking. How can one find out things if one does not ask questions? The aunt is feeling her way, unless of course she knows Melody's mum is an atheist in which case she's fishing for souls which is pretty despicable IMO.

True, maybe it's just me, I wouldn't appreciate relatives saying those things and would have a bit of a knee-jerk reaction.

No it's not just you. Over the last decade I have become increasingly sensitive to what I see as theistic insensitivity.

[Always Amused]

People making comments to you is one thing. Sending a minister to your Mom is another, although at least she asked before just doing it. It sounds like you have a good relationship with your Mom, so tell your aunt that your Mom would tell you if she wanted anything else then what she is getting, or she would request it herself.

Also, I know that even hospitals that are religiously affiliated will specify that a patient does not want visits from the clergy employed there who sometimes "make their rounds" on each floor. You can check into that if appropriate.  Even secular hospitals often have clergy on site, but they usually will not visit unless requested. However, as a former fundamentalist minister, I will warn you that some clergy are rude enough to make visits if requested by ANY family member or friend, not just the immediate family.

Though I know you want to, you cannot "protect" your Mom 24/7 from such rude people. Give her some credit, in that she will probably handle any such approach just fine. You are putting a ton of pressure on yourself right now, even though it is well-intentioned. Get your rest and be there for your Mom.

[McQ]

Welcome to the forum from a fellow Pennsylvanian! And from a fellow photographer (albeit part-time).

All the good advice I can think of has been elaborated upon. Go with your own conscience and some of this great advice.

Feel free to ask anything, or to send a PM if you're not comfortable asking something in the open forum.