Aloha! and a Request for Help

[Lanigirl]

Hello Everyone!
This is my first forum experience. I decided to try a forum because I need input from people who have experience, or just can have a clear head, because I'm stuck. I was raised Catholic, was forced to go to their schools, mass etc., but have never completely bought what they were saying. I moved away from home a few years ago while in an verbally abusive relationship, and began going to church here because I was homesick, I tried but still didn't get anything out of it. I met a christian originally from TX, and since I try not to judge and I thought I could handle this because he is such a fun and nice guy, I began seeing him- so much nicer than who I was with before, delusioned or not, but through other twists I will not go into, we got married. Now, his crosses and going to the christian church, his sister is a self professed "jesus fanatic" on facebook (I can't stand her), and the fact that I don't want any kids we have raised that way...I don't know what to do, I have tried to be happy but this is bothering me daily now. Please help me figure this out. Thank you, Lanigirl

[Whitney]

Welcome to HAF.

Some people are able to maintain a relationship where one party is religious while the other is not.  But doing so requires compromise.  The only thing you really can do is talk about how you feel and see if he can't tone it down a bit around you (nothing you can do about the sister).  It's also possible that the marriage isn't going to work out long term and it would be better to go your separate ways now before kids are in the picture...but I'd suggest trying to work things out first.

[Stevil]

Oh my, that's quite a bind.
Is your husband generally tolerant towards others of different beliefs or disbelief?

[Lanigirl]

My husband is pretty tolerant for others, but don't try to say anything negative about the christian church, he defends them intently. He has said he does not like the catholic organization- for the pediphile issues, and coverups, pope pious and the holocaust, etc.- but he doesn't talk about much else.

[Tank]

Hi Lanigirl

Having been a life long atheist married for 30+ years to another life long atheist there is not a lot of insight I can offer about your specific situation. However I can echo what Whitney said. Be honest and open with yourself and others, it's really the only long term way to behave in a marriage. If honesty does not work then you're just living a lie aren't you?

Welcome to HAF.

Regards
Chris

[Lanigirl]

Thank you

[Tank]

Coincidentally on another forum there is another lady who has been in a long term relationship where the man has gradually been getting more and more religious. She has just reached the point of giving up on the relationship and told him it's over. So you are not alone in this situation by any means. Not that 'mixed marriages' can't work we have a few members here who are one half of theistic /atheistic couple and they make it work. I hope you work it out, but honesty really is the best policy.

[The Black Jester]

Welcome to HAF!  I wish I could offer helpful advice, but unfortunately my wife and I are both heathens. I can only echo the advice that others have mentioned: be honest about your limits and boundaries.

[xSilverPhinx]

Lanigirl, I'm another here who can only offer you a hello and welcome but not much insight.

Hello and welcome!

[Stevil]

I'd be most scared of my partner's insistence to force religion onto my children before they are old enough to work things out for themselves. I'm not saying that your husband would be like that, but my wife and I have some good friends, the husband is Christian and his wife is Bhuddist but they have decided to bring their children up Christian. Anyway, they often loan us stuff as we have new children and theirs are a little older than ours. They have given us lots of children's books, some of them are Christian books. I really feel disgusted by some of them. One is a rewrite of common nursery rhymes. They have injected God into each of the rhymes.
We also got a children's video from the library and it turned out to be Christian songs. This stuff really makes me feel physically sick. I find it as disgusting as trying to push alcho pops on 5 years olds. It is sad that people want to brainwash their own children.
I hope your husband doesn't go to this extreme, if you are like me it would be a big issue.

You guys really need to have a heart to heart about your stance and your thoughts on bringing up the children.
I would say, probably best to let him know you are not god's child first and let him come to terms with that until he reaches acceptance stage before you tackle the issue of bringing up the children.
But, really hard to offer decent advise, I'm not you, I don't know your husband or your situation and I am in a completely different situation to you.

[Cecilie]

Hello and welcome to HAF.

[PapistItalian16]

Welcome to HAF!

I don't mean to sound too preachy here, and if I do, then just let me know and I will stop, but as a thiest on a predominantly athiest forum, and since you did state that you were kind of on the fence about things I feel that it is my right to give some advice from my beleif perspective.

I am a Catholic, and I know that sometimes it is hard to accept and understand the teachings of Christianity. I find that God cannot work in someones life unless they can fully open them selfs up to Him. He cannot affect free-will and therefore, if it is our will, requires an invitation before he can do His works.

I do not know, and it isnt any of my buisiness to know, weather or not you have opened yourself up to Him, but I just thought I'd give my "two cents". hahaha.

And with your permission, may I pray for you and your relationship with your husband?

[Maria]

Hello Lanigirl.
Welcome to HAF. I've never been in a 'mixed' relationship in religious terms, but my current boyfriend seems to disagree with me about every political issue under the sun. So early on we simply decided to stop talking about politics. I know it's not always so easy, but it worked for us... so far, anyway.
Your husband sounds like a nice guy; I hope you can work it out. But as others have pointed out, there may come a time when you have to walk away.

Maria.

[DaveD]

In any personal relationship, whether marriage or friendship, or anything between, mutual respect is important. That doesn't mean you have to respect someone's ideas, just their right to have those ideas.
Some of the people I like and respect the most are religious, and don't look at me with disdain because they know I'm an atheist.

[Melmoth]

Welcome aboard.

I have a friend who was raised by a Catholic mother and an atheist father. He turned out Quaker! He's also the most intelligent, thoughtful and open-minded theist I know.

Kids are people too. They develop an authority of their own quickly enough, and then they're just going to make their own minds up, regardless of what you want them to think. So long as there's no emotional blackmail going on ("If you don't believe X then mummy and daddy will be very disappointed in you!"), so long as they're allowed the space to think, and so long as you don't make the mistake of believing that you can set who they're going to be and what they are going to believe later in life, I don't think there's anything to worry about. In fact, I think the mix is probably healthier.

Good luck.