Commit Jesus-scide!

[Inspectorcritic]

Jesus was truly wise he knew every one of his followers was going to be born a sin. Not welcome, not wanted, and not like on this earth. Jesus demonstrated to his followers by taking his very own life. Jesus went out and found a place where his followers could be appreciated, a place named heaven. Jesus returned to earth to gather his strayed sheep that are guilty of criminal trespass.
Keep in mind, Jesus did not die of old age! Jesus could have live on for oh, hundreds or perhaps thousands of years but instead died for your horrible sins. Jesus died for you! Jesus simply wants you to return the favor—he needs you to die for him! Very reasonable and fair of Jesus to asked this of you; since you are a crime and not welcome on this earth.
Soldiers demonstrate their sincere dedication and devotion to corrupt politicians, and kill themselves by the millions on the battle field. Jesus merle seeks the same of you the same dedication and commitment. But, you--you are supremely, very lucky, you are exceedingly fortunate to have Jesus as your almighty god in heaven. Jesus promises you when you 'commit Jesus-scide' a space reserved with your own personal name on it, not before Jesus, not behind Jesus, but on the side of Jesus where your god will call you by name, then Jesus will put his arm over your shoulder patting you on your back for the wise deed you have just done selecting Jesus-scide and say, welcome to eternal heaven. He will then ask if you have any questions you need answered and you may find them to be silly once Jesus enlightens you with those answers.
The Key to Glorious Heavens Door Commit Jesus-side
'DON'T YOU EVER THINK THIS IS SUICIDE'! Suicide for example is when someone loses all his money gambling at a casino in Las Vegas, and kills him-self. Then bangs on heaven's door; bang—bang—bang! "Jesus open up heaven's door and let me in, god damn it! I lost all my money gambling in Las Vegas casino and committed suicide." Jesus may crack the door open and look at him. You showed your devotion and dedication to gambling and not to me, your god Jesus in heaven. Go straight to hell—eternal damnation." Then Jesus will slam heaven's door shut in his face. Enough is enough and will not help example: the pope dies; bang-bang-bang he knocks on heaven's door. "I have rant, and I have raved for years and just now have died of old age. Open up heaven's door and let me in god-damn it!" Jesus may crack the door open. "I left explicit instructions on how to get into heaven: by Jesus-scide. I did not die of old age, and you did not show dedication or devotion to me god Jesus. Poop go straight to hell; enter eternal damnation." Then Jesus slams shut heaven's door in the pope's face.
You Jesus follower are taking a extremely high risk: on one hand eternal, divine heaven on the other hand, eternal damnation. You might get into a car accident tomorrow and be killed. Here, is the scenario: knock-knock-knock "Let me in glorious heaven I have just been killed in an automobile while doing a serious violation. Let me in god damn it!"
Jesus may crack open the door."You, show your devotion and dedication to joyriding not to your god that waits in glorious heaven. Go straight to hell-eternal damnation." Jesus slams the door shut in his face. Please do not gamble eternal, glorious heaven commit Jesus-scide today
The Key to Glorious Heavens Door Commit Jesus-side
or tonight. There is only one key to the door of divine heaven: Jesus-scide kill yourself while praying to Jesus demonstrating your dedication to being with your god in sacred heaven.
First before, you commit Jesus–scide to stop the vicious cycle of temptation of another Jesus followers to cheat your poor, poor god Jesus by trying to die of old age then sneak in get all of your money and send it to me: Inspectorcritic@gmail.com. Yes, the exceptionally nice man who is trying to help you connect with god in heaven. There are many ways suggested on how to accomplish Jesus –scide. One is the cross could be another symbol for a vehicle to heaven's door. Picture it as a long, sharp, pointed knife with Jesus on it recommending it. Next hold the point to your chest near your heart next, accept Jesus into your heart- push the knife into it.
Jesus was always good at miracles. He made it a miracle you can be in heaven within the snap of a finger. Just put a gun in your mouth and snap your finger and you are now there in glorious heaven beside Jesus your god and king and destiny desired. Jesus wants you to go forth and commit Jesus-scide. Remember you are born a crime! You are not forgiven for it either until you have complied with Jesus orders. No judge can pardon sinners until they have complied with whatever sentence or compliance he orders and only then, will he pardon the heinous crime. Jesus wants you to accomplish Jesus-scide and then go to heaven to multiply. Absolutely not on this earth, remember you have been born a sin you have not been forgiven for it as yet until you do as what your god has instructed, demonstrated and given you explicit directions to commit Jesus-scide. Every word in the bible has prepared you for this transition, Jesus words
The Key to Glorious Heavens Door Commit Jesus-side
have given you all the confidence you need to believe to accomplish this one simple action that stands in way of you meeting your god and talking to him in person.
So far I have documented approximately one thousand three hundred who have made the transition and are now in heaven with Jesus. Jones town all made the journey and are speaking at this time in glories' heaven with your god Jesus. Now don't you feel just a little bit jealous of them? Look at poor Jesus, he is worried he has been doing nothing but damming everyone to hell almost because they well not show their devotion and execute Jesus-scide! Right now there are millions into the billions who should be committing Jesus-scide and filling up heaven. Heaven is like any other business you have to do a large volume to stay in business, or you may have to shut down blissful eternal heaven only leaving the competition door open eternal damnation.
Jesus has also pointed out; followers that are hesitant may be taken with force. Some are so holy they are troglodytes and live in caves and cheat your poor Jesus. Use a chain saw, machete blade, shot gun and remove them for trying to trick your god and sneak in heaven use the same or similar in church also you can drive your car over them at high speed when they walk to church to cheat your Jesus.
First make sure you give me all your money to stop the vicious cycle of temptation, next.
The Key to Glorious Heavens Door Commit Jesus-side
Assume your mental prayer posture pray to Jesus not to me. That is another eternal fatal mistake followers have made to pray or show allegiance to someone else other than Jesus. I only try to help you because I do not want to see you damn for eternity and help your god because everyone cheats him.
Till Jesus, I cheat you no longer Jesus. I' am coming to glorious heaven to be by your side for eternity," then commit Jesus-scide. You will notice a blissful state; you standing outside heaven's door a key will appear in your hand beckoning you to put it in the door lock. You do the door opens. You see Jesus your god for the first time in your ended life. Jesus smiles, calls you by name, "welcome please come in to Gods everlasting glorious heaven."

[Tank]

lol

Welcome to HAF, although I can't see you hanging around for long

Regards
Chris

[Stevil]

That's nice of Jesus.
Shame he died though, it seems he might have been an interesting person to have met, especially if he were over 2,000 years old. How wrinkly would he have been?

[Whitney]

Welcome to haf...please make friends with spaces between paragraphs and saying hi before whatever that wall of text was (tldr bc busy)

[xSilverPhinx]

Welcome...err...goodbye.

[DeterminedJuliet]

tl;dr

[McQ]

The only reason I haven't deleted this and/or banned the op is because Whitney has already read the post and decided not to ban him. Otherwise, it would be out the door.

[Whitney]

The only reason I haven't deleted this and/or banned the op is because Whitney has already read the post and decided not to ban him. Otherwise, it would be out the door.

The only reason I didn't ban him is because I didn't read it and don't feel like reading it (figured there was an off chance it wasn't just a crazy spam rant).  If you read it do what you think should be done with it.

[The Magic Pudding]

I like this line, "you are a crime and not welcome on this earth"
I don't really think this approach is going to work, especially with anyone with money to send to his email address.
Making people feel special, particularly by showing how others are lacking is a classic, why not go with that?
I think the introduction of the suicide thing would be best left to later in the indoctrination process.
Probably after the poisoned cordial had been passed around and drunk.

Oh I did love the Jesus peeping through his door imagery, I imagined him as a kind of Oscar the Grouch character.

[OldGit]

Inspectorcritic, you should meet a bloke called Dave Mabus; you have much in common.

[Tank]

Inspectorcritic, you should meet a bloke called Dave Mabus; you have much in common.

Maybe his love child with a Westboro Baptist? lol

[Asmodean]

Very reasonable and fair of Jesus to asked this of you; since you are a crime and not welcome on this earth.

Well, me being a crime, I make myself welcome wherever I damned well please and when you try to get rid of me, another takes my place.

And if reasonable Jesus dislikes that, well... I'll just do something criminal to him and get him to shut it. Oh wait! Already dead... Typical 

[DeterminedJuliet]

"I left explicit instructions on how to get into heaven: by Jesus-scide. I did not die of old age, and you did not show dedication or devotion to me god Jesus. Poop go straight to hell; enter eternal damnation."

We're so bad that Jesus is sending our poops to hell?

P.S.
This is some bona fide psycho shit right here.

Jesus has also pointed out; followers that are hesitant may be taken with force. Some are so holy they are troglodytes and live in caves and cheat your poor Jesus. Use a chain saw, machete blade, shot gun and remove them for trying to trick your god and sneak in heaven use the same or similar in church also you can drive your car over them at high speed when they walk to church to cheat your Jesus.
First make sure you give me all your money to stop the vicious cycle of temptation, next.

[The Magic Pudding]

I'm seeing Mabus comparisons but this is a parody isn't it?
An atheist ridiculing religion, not well and with a disregard for the reader but maybe this is part of the effect?
Anyway I'm pretty sure this is not the creation of a Christian.

[Inspectorcritic]

                                       Eye witness to Jesus-scide


     Let me tell you of an experience. When I was a young boy I was dupe into a trip to Hawaii. Once the airliner landed on the island Hawaiians came aboard with pineapple knives slashing every one to death. A young couple, confronted by the cannibal-tinkas ask them "let us use your knives to 'Commit Jesus-scide.' We were born a sin and we are trespassing.  A fat Hawaiian handed over his knife to him. He mumbles some prayer how he was born a sin and not entitled to this earth. He then thrust the pineapple knife into his sternum and ripped through his rib cage, I could see he hit a main artery.
     He then gasp and said, "I can see heaven opening up and there is a planet with god coming from it." I look over my right shoulder the airliners ceiling had turn transparent I could see stars like up close and there was this reddish looking planet with the aura it is made out of clay, There to left side of it look like god was coming from some star behind it to the left side of it simultaneously at the same time a hand and arm that was tan in color with a white robe sleeve smashes through the ceiling as if his hand was extended to shake his the hand plunges inside of his body and unto that of grabbing his hand feeling the wound yanks him billions of miles into heaven then he collapses and falls to the floor dead.
Next the Hawaiian hands the women a long pineapple knife. She mumbles some short prayer. She plunge the knife into her ripping through her ribcage. The hand and part of his arm crash through the airliner again, goes through the wound. The woman is so rejoiced and happy about it and says, "Oh god this is so glorious!" She squeals. The hand yanks back a billion miles to heaven. She then collapse dead on the floor.
I was so astonish at the prompt precise timing of Jesus to catch them in a millisecond.  Both of them had no regrets whatsoever. Well, I am not a Jesus follower nor am I born a sin like them, nor have I ever read the bible, nor do I ever intend to. But, on the other hand comparing Eternal Heaven with Eternal Damnation it must be extremely severe punishment for all eternity. Billions upon millions of Jesus imbeciles have been damn simply because they would not 'Commit Jesus-scide' that the bible clearly points out. So Jesus followers, to prevent further temptation of damnation of other Jesus followers and so Jesus can greet you with-out regret  of leaving your money laying about enticing temptation: Send (PayPal) all  of your money to the compassionate nice man: INSPECTORCRITIC and kill yourself!

S