A dedicated poem slash song slash I don't know what

[Asmodean]

So I wrote this thing... And was wondering if someone could give me a little coherence feedback  

You fell on your knees and prayed
To a dead god who's no longer there
You bent the world to your will
Then expected the people to care

You spent your days stepping on minds
Now your shattered ruin is paying
For mistakes of a broken life
No-one will answer your prayers

Betrayer of everyone sacred
You're begging them all to return
All alone in the storm,
Borrowed life you no longer can borrow
Now how will you sail
When your ship start to burn?

Glowing embers touching your skin
The fires burning so bright
The stormwind breaking apart
Final stronghold of ending life
Cursing the day you were born,
Abandoned, your children cry
All that you've said and done
Was no more than a bunch of lies

You fell on your knees and prayed
For someone to be there to save you
Once you bent the world to your will
Now you burn in the fires that made you

[Gawen]

You fell on your knees and prayed
To a dead god - no longer there
You bent the world to your will
Then expected people to care

You spent your days stepping on minds
Your shattered ruin is paying
For mistakes of a broken life
No-one answers your praying

Betrayer of everyone sacred
You're begging them all to return
All alone in the storm,
Borrowed life you no longer
Now how will you sail
When your ship starts to burn?

Glowing embers touch your skin
The fires burning so bright
The stormwind breaking apart (what is exactly breaking apart here?)
Final stronghold of ending life
Cursing the day you were born,
Abandoned, your children cry
All that you've said and done
Was no more than a bunch of lies

You fell on your knees and prayed
For someone to be there to save you
Once you bent the world to your will
Now you burn in the fires that made you


Maybe?

[Asmodean]

Thank you! :-D

Not proud of this one, but I have a policy of completing the poems I start.

The red marked line, there it's supposed to be The stormwind IS breaking apart

[Gawen]

Glad to have helped...*grinnin*

[Heretical Rants]

Thank you! :-D

Not proud of this one, but I have a policy of completing the poems I start.

The red marked line, there it's supposed to be The stormwind IS breaking apart

The "is" isn't necessarily necessary.

[Asmodean]

Thank you! :-D

Not proud of this one, but I have a policy of completing the poems I start.

The red marked line, there it's supposed to be The stormwind IS breaking apart

The "is" isn't necessarily necessary.

No, it was meant to be intuitively obvious. A sort of "artistic licence" with the wording. One can, however, add an apostrophied s without changing the flow. I dislike shortening in my poetry, but what is one to do..?  

[tymygy]

I like it, alot.

I'm guessing you wrote this when you weren't very happy? That makes it deep, and thats whats good about it.

[Asmodean]

I like it, alot.

I'm guessing you wrote this when you weren't very happy? That makes it deep, and thats whats good about it.

Thanks!  

[The Magic Pudding]

You fell on your knees and prayed    to pray
To a dead god - no longer there
You bent the world to your will
Then expected people to care

You spent your days stepping on minds
Your shattered ruin is paying
For mistakes of a broken life
No-one answers your praying    prayers

Betrayer of everyone sacred
You're begging them all to return  is them needed?
All alone in the storm,
Borrowed life you no longer
Now how will you sail
When your ship starts to burn?

Glowing embers touch your skin
The fires burning so bright
The stormwind breaking apart
Final stronghold of ending life
Cursing the day you were born,
Abandoned, your children cry
All that you've said and done
Was no more than a bunch of lies

You fell on your knees and prayed
For someone to be there to save you
Once you bent the world to your will
Now you burn in the fires that made you


Maybe?

Not now, but prey and pray could be useful sometime.
And I like the sound of the word prayer, as in you haven't got a prayer.

[tymygy]

I like it, alot.

I'm guessing you wrote this when you weren't very happy? That makes it deep, and thats whats good about it.

Thanks!  

Same here  

I'm more a musician though, so I don't do alot of poetry. But when I do, I find my self in the same position.