Living with my religious family

[Laser Sailor]

I'm getting fed up with my family trying to "prove" the bible to me. I don't feel that they're not doing it out of fear for my soul, but rather a need to be correct and have the last word.  I've begun to loath things like family dinners. I try to be respectful when they pray, I lower my head and reamin silent. I'm trying hard not to argue with them, and it's a struggle. Whenever the topic comes up I can only present a few facts, a few discrepiancies between the bible and observable science. They can always push my limited knowledge of science until I reach a point where "I don't know" is the only honest answer I can give. As soon as I say "I don't know" it's like it invalidates everything I've said before and I just "lost" the argument. Because if I don't know where the stars came from or what exactly the big bang is, then the bible must be correct.

It feels like I'm not allowed to have a dissenting opinion. My father seems to be the most receptive to hearing my ideas, but only when he's away from the rest of the family. If we're all together then he's actually the one coming down on me the hardest.

I try my best to avoid the arguments, I don't want to fight with them. I just want to peacably coexist, is that too much to ask?

Everyday is a struggle, please offer some suggestions.

[Whitney]

Have you tried maturely stating that you feel that the discussions are too emotionally charged and that you have decided to not even continue till they are able to discuss more calmly and actually listen to you with considerate mind?

It sounds like you are having to be defensive to try to push back an attack and usually that doesn't go anywhere even if you were among peers rather than among family.

[Tank]

I wish I could offer some advice but being the Dad who brought up his children woo free with an atheist wife, your experiences are so far out of my frame of reference I find it difficult to comprehend the situation you find yourself in. However, there are plenty of people who probably can relate to your situation and I'm sure they'll be along soon. Glad you shared your problem hopefully that at least will start off the process of finding some help.

[Laser Sailor]

Yes, I will try to offer an olive branch next time the topic comes up. I'll ask them for a you do your thing and I'll do mine, sort of truce.

The other thing is that I'm expected to keep my disbelief quiet from extended family and family friends. They ask me "how my walk with the lord is" and I have to fumble through some ackward answer. Perhaps it's not something they expect, but rather me not wanting to open myself up to more arguments or further embarrasment. Either way 'm not going to do that anymore, when asked by family and friends I'm going answer honestly.

I guess you could say I'm still in a transitional phase here.

I'm sick and tired of feeling embarrased and ashamed (external shame not really internal shame) regarding who I am. I know this will open me up to a whole new lot of arguments and critism. I don't know how I'll present my points to some extended family, as they are very intelligent and very well versed (pun totally intended) with biblical knowledge.

[SSY]

If you want to engage your family in debate, read the bible, there are plenty of inconsistencies. You could ask for a formal, written exchange, this may allow you to better gather your thoughts and evidence, if rapid ire debate is not your thing.

Good luck, at least your family haven't thrown you out.

[Tank]

Yes, I will try to offer an olive branch next time the topic comes up. I'll ask them for a you do your thing and I'll do mine, sort of truce.

The other thing is that I'm expected to keep my disbelief quiet from extended family and family friends. They ask me "how my walk with the lord is" and I have to fumble through some ackward answer. Perhaps it's not something they expect, but rather me not wanting to open myself up to more arguments or further embarrasment. Either way 'm not going to do that anymore, when asked by family and friends I'm going answer honestly.

I guess you could say I'm still in a transitional phase here.

I'm sick and tired of feeling embarrased and ashamed (external shame not really internal shame) regarding who I am. I know this will open me up to a whole new lot of arguments and critism. I don't know how I'll present my points to some extended family, as they are very intelligent and very well versed (pun totally intended) with biblical knowledge.

Regarding the underlined. If it suits the dynamics of your family then you may consider a retort along the lines of 'I'm in the desert at the moment, considering my future.' Which is not a lie. If you don't want to follow dogma then you must spend time 'in the desert' considering your world view, otherwise you are simply a dogmatist following the rules of others that are imposed on you.

I expect your family isn't too pleased about having a Black Sheep.  Well as you are being up front then I think you owe it to your own integrity and mental health to be true to your convictions, and own up to anybody who asks. At some point the people around you are going to have to a) accept you, b) ignore you or c) reject you, some may do all 3 and the order is moot. But you have made a life choice and at the very least you must be true to that choice or you will end up stressed and depressed because of your own actions towards yourself and that is not a healthy place to be. Others will always hate/despise/ignore/like/love you, but they must do those things based on the real you, not a mask you put on. For your own well being, self respect and ultimately the respect of others you must say 'This is who I am, now you have to deal with that as you see fit.'

Invite/challenge your family to join here so they can ask their questions to a wider audience where they will get answers. If they won't join then don't get into a debate with them. Or post their questions here so you can get a wider view on them and some support. This place is intended to include a dialogue between  Christians and atheists, well I would love to have a dialogue with your parents and family. Ask them here and let us debate them and watch the results. It would take the stress of you, we could all learn something and it would give the forum a unique opportunity to get involved with some intelligent polite people, your family.

[Laser Sailor]

Can you suggest a good movie/documentary for me to show them? They've challanged me to watch one of their faith reconsiled within science "documentaries" I said I would but only if they agreed to watch one of mine. All I have is "Religulous", and while he makes a good point Bill Maher's style would most certianly put them off or be recieved as flat out offensive.

[Tank]

What message are you trying to get across?  Has your dad read The God Delusion. Or possibly A C Grayling, Against all Gods which is a lot less likely to wind him up. Richards Dawkins can be a little caustic to my mind and while that has it's place it's not in family discussion where you're trying to keep cool, calm and collected  

When is the next birthday in your family and who is it?

[Thumpalumpacus]

Laser, are you financially dependent on your family?

[Laser Sailor]

Yes and No on the finacial dependance. I go to college while taking using my Post 9/11 GI Bill benefits. They provide me with a place to stay, easy on the rent. That helps to accomadate my studys. I could move out, become independent, but that would entail getting a job/s that could support paying the much higher rent of a new place. Which would be very difficult to do given my school schedule. My finacial life is carefully balanced right now, upsetting that balance could be problematic.

I'm working on a plan though for when I graduate next spring.

[Ellainix]

Reply to "Where did ____ come from." with "Where did God come from?"

Reply to "How did ____ get created without God." with "How did God create ____?"

Reply to "The Bible is the holy word of God." with "How do you know that God didn't lie to us?"

Reply to "Jesus died for your sins" with "The first commandment says you shall have no other gods before God" (Why put Jesus before God?).