Re: Planning a Secular Wedding

[philosoraptor]

So my significant other and I have been together almost 7 years.  Marriage is definitely on the horizon, as soon as we save up some money.  Neither of us are religious, although his family is Catholic.  We'll definitely be having a very nontraditional and secular ceremony, and I thought it would be nice to start a thread where anyone planning a secular wedding (or who has already had one) could toss around ideas and what not.  Of course, feel free to join in even if you aren't getting married, but just like things of that nature.  

[Cecilie]

I'm not getting married, but congrats!  

[Dretlin]

So my significant other and I have been together almost 7 years.  Marriage is definitely on the horizon, as soon as we save up some money.  Neither of us are religious, although his family is Catholic.  We'll definitely be having a very nontraditional and secular ceremony, and I thought it would be nice to start a thread where anyone planning a secular wedding (or who has already had one) could toss around ideas and what not.  Of course, feel free to join in even if you aren't getting married, but just like things of that nature.  

Well congrats!

I have been to a fair few weddings in the past several years, most have had a ceilidh but I doubt that is something that happens outside Scotland.

Apart from just doing exactly what you want, I can not think at anything to suggest.

[pinkocommie]

Congrats!  I am planning a secular wedding as well!  One of the first things I did was figure out who I wanted to do the ceremony and have them sign up on one of the many online sites to be an ordained minister.  This is laughably easy, and though the law is different in each country/state as to whether a person has to do more than just sign up with the site to be recognized by the state as someone who is allowed to perform marriages, most of the time all it takes is going to a notary and getting the printed out minister certificate recognized.

My wedding date is 2+ years away (12.21.2012) so beyond securing a secular legally established person to perform the wedding, I haven't done much.  I am planning on doing the majority of the wedding DIY, including crocheting/knitting all of the flowers for the affair but that's hardly secular, just fun!  My only real concern is the fact that my fiancé comes from an uber religious family, something I am not at all accustomed to.  

[KDbeads]

A little over 10 years ago we drove down to the court house and filed for our license, drove by the clinic had our state required blood tests and 2 weeks later went back to the court house.  The Judge was supposed to give us 'counseling' before the ceremony but when we told him we were both degreed engineers he got a really big smile on his face and let us know we were just fine.  (the couple ahead of us were teens with a baby due in a few weeks, the couple before that had no idea how to handle anything, I think he was ready for some responsible people)  Asked if we wanted a civil ceremony or a religious one, we asked for the civil.  In front of my parents, his mother and G-ma and my sister and BIL we received a civil ceremony with no mention of god or anything.
Then we drove out for sushi and toured the Atlanta Underground.

His mother was the only one who caught the lack of religion and to this day refuses to acknowledge our marriage... among other things.

Marriage license $20
Sushi dinner for 8 was around $200

No church, no god, no idiocracy (well, other than his mother) and CHEAP!  And I didn't have to wear some $$$ dress.

[Tank]

I'm not getting married, but congrats!  

[elliebean]

My fiancee and I haven't made any solid plans yet, other than that it will happen..... someday. As far as what kind of wedding we would like to have, we both agree that it would be great if George Clinton could figure into the ceremony some way - maybe even give a performance.  

It'll be an all-out bash!

[philosoraptor]

We have a potential officiant-SO's uncle has a childhood friend who is an interfaith minister, and he's presided over many of the weddings, funerals, etc... for the family.  When his older sister got married, they had a secular ceremony and the officiant read an Apache wedding blessing, which was cool.  So finding an officiant thankfully won't be a problem.  Finding a creative, secular wedding blessing might be more of a challenge, although I've started looking.

[Whitney]

When we got married i researched a bunch of various ceremonies and combined what I liked and edited it into a custom ceremony.

[AlP]

Philosoraptor, I see that you self identify as existentialist. If you don't mind me asking, how do you reconcile marriage with existentialism? Also, do you have any thoughts on the relationship between Jean Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir?

[Cecilie]

I'm not getting married, but congrats!  

Can I be an adult yet?

[Tank]

I'm not getting married, but congrats!  

Can I be an adult yet?

Don't hurry, it's not as much fun as it's cracked up to be.  

[philosoraptor]

Philosoraptor, I see that you self identify as existentialist. If you don't mind me asking, how do you reconcile marriage with existentialism? Also, do you have any thoughts on the relationship between Jean Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir?

There's nothing to reconcile, for me.  I've been with this guy for 7 years, and there are financial benefits to being married that you don't necessarily get with a civil or domestic partnership.  Marriage, at this point, is more a practical than emotional decision-it's mostly a formality, since we've been together for such a long time.

The problem of love in existentialism is that often, people become the possession of the other and lose their freedom in the process.  I think there is definitely an emphasis on possession, becoming one, and losing identity in some ways in traditional, religious marriage ceremonies.  Neither of us are religious, though, so I don't really anticipate this as being a problem.  We're also in an open relationship, so both of us are free to explore other people, if you will.  I haven't really felt the need to do this, though the opportunity is there.  We've always been very independent people.  We lead separate lives, have separate interests, have different friends.  At the end of the day we come home to each other, and we are equals.  Neither of us "owns" the other.  I don't anticipate marriage changing this.  Sartre spoke of love as a project (albeit, an impossible one)-it's something that is manifested through the things you do, together and separately, and the way you treat each other along the way.

Sartre and de Beauvoir were an exceptional couple.  They agreed that while they loved each other, there was a great deal of opportunity to be had in the experience of other people as well.  In the end, they always came back to each other, although in later years their relationship was much more intellectual than physical.  It's no secret though that most philosophers are unable to follow the tenets of their own philosophy.  I think de Beauvoir struggled with jealousy, while at the same time trying to act as if Sartre's numerous affairs didn't bother her, which isn't particularly authentic.  While she had affairs outside her relationship with Sartre, they were much fewer and further in between.  In spite of those affairs, they were still loyal to each other until the end.  They were partners almost their whole lives, and they shared everything from love to work.  I think that kind of relationship is more rare, but not impossible to achieve.

[AlP]

Well said. And for the record, I wasn't criticizing your choice, even if my question might have seemed to come across that way. I was interested. I think de Beauvoir was quite devoted to Sartre. She referenced him in so much of her work. Sartre did not reciprocate as far as I can tell. I find de Beauvoir's work more interesting myself. In my opinion, Sartre was brilliant but he lost hold of the world whereas de Beauvoir did not. Anyway, I think that having an open relationship does not necessarily entail promiscuity as it is constructed by society and that the open relationship idea is, in itself, a social construct.

I have no intention of getting married but I'm thinking through ideas for secular (existentialist) marriages. In terms of ceremonies, this is a crazy idea but you could consider this:

We have left the land and have embarked. We have burned our bridges behind usâ€"indeed, we have gone farther and destroyed the land behind us. Now, little ship, look out! Beside you is the ocean: to be sure, it does not always roar, and at times it lies spread out like silk and gold and reveries of graciousness. But hours will come when you will realize that it is infinite and that there is nothing more awesome than infinity. Oh, the poor bird that felt free and now strikes the walls of this cage! Woe, when you feel homesick for the land as if it had offered more freedomâ€"and there is no longer any "land."

I reinterpreted it. You could have the ceremony by the sea and set out in a boat.

[Kylyssa]

We're also in an open relationship, so both of us are free to explore other people, if you will.

I, too, am in an open relationship and we've explored other people both separately and individually.  It's wonderful to be able to find delight in your partner's delight.

We probably wouldn't get married as we both somewhat dislike the idea due to its history as a method of transferring ownership of a woman from her father to her husband.  I say probably because we might get married if he were to get insurance or, because of my ill health, to insure he is able to be with me in the event of hospitalization.