Letter from a Recovering Catholic

[thiolsulfate]

Hi all.

As said, I'm a recovering Catholic. My recovery started upon having read the Bible cover to cover -- something that I find oddly in common with most other former Christians. Had I not read the Bible I doubt sincerely that I would be an atheist today. (I've grown tired of the syntactic struggle to correctly rearrange my thoughts on the subject of god into a single word; I've chosen 'atheist' because it is etymologically the most accurate.) I doubt that there is a god, I do not believe that there ever was a god -- but if there was a god I would not want him to be the petulant dick I've found in the Bible, the Koran, or the Book of Mormon.

Since my deconversion I've become totally and utterly engrossed by science. Fortunately my awakening happened just soon enough in my college career to allow me the latitude to take enough science classes to qualify me for Medical School (I am currently preparing my applications and doing post-bac science.)

I just wanted to say a few things about becoming an atheist after having been a devout Catholic for nearly 19 years of my life.

The first is something heavy and the most difficult thing I've had to come to terms with: Death. For the first few months after having painfully sloughed off the cracking skin of faith the only thing that held me was death and what happened to loved ones who had already passed, what will happen to my family when they, inevitably, will pass and what will happen to me when I myself am brought into oblivion. I did not worry for myself so much; coming to terms with my own annihilation was easy. There was no reason to fear something whose arrival would never be known to me. What kept me awake at night, and still stirs emotions in me, is the thought that losing loved ones is absolute. Much like Penn on preparing himself for the loss of his mother, I tell myself that "this will hurt like hell, and I may never totally get over this."

I have, however, come to terms with that truth. It is unavoidable. I do not wish to lose them and wish even less for their vanishing but my wishes have no bearing on reality. I know that my time with them is limited and all that can be said and done to enjoy our brief time together MUST be.

I have often been asked why I have such a dim view of life (in those words), to which I reply that my view of life is not dim. It is life that is full and radiant, and death that is empty. Death is an inevitability, but its eventuality has no bearing on my wanting to enjoy life. I will die one day, but I still want to be happy now -- or even more so.

The second thing I wanted to comment on are my old beliefs. Up until recently I was able to rationalize my previous faith and the faith that others have. In quick succession after each book of the Bible that I read I was able to discount whole swathes of it as useless and gibberish. Reading it as a historical document is pointless especially when comparing the biblical timeline against timelines with more reliability. The few bits of "evidence" of the existence of Jesus seem totally unreasonable in their context and absolutely no evidence exists for anything beforehand. Reading it as a literary piece introduces readers to a world of schizophrenic writers, uninteresting characters and plot holes big enough to crash a planet into. As a source of morals there is a fraction of good that can be dredged out of a sea of racism, genocide, sexism, double standards, slavery, child abuse; not to mention a whole host of odd prohibitions punishable by death.

I was asked recently why I am now an atheist after having spent my pre-adult life as a devout Catholic to which I replied, "I read the Bible." (Of course it was a whole chain of events, starting with having read the Bible.) The look of shock amazed me. As though it were somehow odd to other Christians that a Christian (as I was when I read the "good book") would read the Bible. I was asked, "Why would you do that?" and told, "You're weird." I was too surprised by their response; I was expecting shock or surprise but certainly not mild disgust -- from Christians -- about another Christian -- having read the Bible.

I spoke with them and eventually came to the conclusion that most can only really and truly believe any of it if they never actually confront it. There is no reason to have faith or to be religious -- only a weak curiosity and weaker integrity.

[Chimera]

That is quite a well-worded synapsis of your journey, Thiolsulfate! It reminds me quite a bit of my own "deconversion" experience.

Welcome to the forum!

[HandsandDreams]

Welcome!

I just took Chemistry for Health Sciences, and I know vaguely what thiolsulfate is.  It's SO4-SH, right?  Why is it important to you?

[thiolsulfate]

Actually it's Thiosulfate (one L), Thiolsulfate is how I've always remembered it and it was only after I made it a universal screen name that I realized I'd been spelling it wrong. (Damned OChem teachers never corrected me.) You're close on the chemical make up, there is no H atom, '-ate' implying that it is an ion.

It isn't important to me at all. It just caught my attention the first time I saw it. It just has a mildly interesting name.

[AlP]

Hi thiolsulfate, welcome!

A few random thoughts on death since you brought it up...

I agree that death is inevitable and not a particularly desirable event for the majority of us I'm sure. It is special though I think for a number of reasons. First of all, death is one of the few things that only we can do. In most actions we are interchangeable. We could, for example, be someone's husband, but so could any number of people be their husband. Nobody else can die for us though. That's ours and ours alone. There aren't many actions like that. I can only think of two others off the top of my head.

Second, I need to define something I will call essence. By essence I mean the attributes of an object that make it what it is. So for example, the essence of a stick of chalk is that it is a long cylinder made of calcium carbonate used for drawing on a blackboard. I don't mean it in any kind of spiritual sense at all. The essence of a person is, in my opinion, what they have done. Death is the point at which one can finally pin down the essence of a person, because they no longer have the ability to change it.

Third, even in life, death is a useful yardstick. It is inescapable and profound. The many pretensions of the world can be seen for what they are when measured against the yardstick of death.

Finally, and I think this is bordering on cliche, if you will not die then you cannot have lived. Overall it's a win.

[HandsandDreams]

On death:

Something that I learned recently was that the threat of death lets us know that life is limited.  Death encourages us to make the most of every moment.  Without death, we would probably lose most of our motivation to do anything.  In an odd sort of way, death is what makes life so special.

Here's a comic that really touched me on this issue: http://cectic.com/100.html

I'd also recommend the Six Feet Under TV series to anybody who wants to explore the hard questions surrounding death.  It's about a family-owned funeral home, and follows their lives.  It's my favorite TV show period, 5 seasons, 12-13 episodes per season.  It really makes you think.

I hope this helps.

[Heretical Rants]

Here's a comic that really touched me on this issue: http://cectic.com/100.html

That actually made me cry  

[HandsandDreams]

Yeah, I choke up every time I see it.  Never fails.