Creative Insults

[Ali]

As I just noted elsewhere, imaginative and creative insults can be hilarious.  I was thinking about making a spin on "Compliment the Person Above You" and making an "Insult the Person Above You" thread, but I figure there is probably too much room for someone to take/make the insults personal and actually hurt each other's feelings.  So rather than insulting each other, just throw out some funny and creative insults to the world at large.

I'll start:

You, ma'am, have a nose like a penguin and a behind like a camel.  Freshly watered.


Edit:  Maaaaaaan.  I meant to post this in the Laid Back Lounge.  Can one of the mods please move it for me?  Pleaseandthankyou.

Edit: Thanks!

[Recusant]

. . . I figure there is probably too much room for someone to take/make the insults personal and actually hurt each other's feelings.

I think you figure correctly. This could be a fun thread, but I agree that it'll be best if we don't aim the barbs at each other.  

Edit:  Maaaaaaan.  I meant to post this in the Laid Back Lounge.  Can one of the mods please move it for me?  Pleaseandthankyou.

Done, and you're welcome.  

ETA:

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
— Oscar Wilde

[Non Quixote]

Like everyone else here I have probably a cool million that I could contribute.  Well, maybe not quite that many, but close.

One that sticks in my head is from a movie called "Mr. North", where the protagonist is being sacked after attempting to be a tutor/caretaker for two devil-children:

He looks the mother square in the eye and says, "Madam, I suggest that you encourage your children to play with matches."

[En_Route]

. . . I figure there is probably too much room for someone to take/make the insults personal and actually hurt each other's feelings.

I think you figure correctly. This could be a fun thread, but I agree that it'll be best if we don't aim the barbs at each other.  

Edit:  Maaaaaaan.  I meant to post this in the Laid Back Lounge.  Can one of the mods please move it for me?  Pleaseandthankyou.

Done, and you're welcome.  

I'm staying well clear of this one.

[Ali]

Oh come on, E_R!  I was actually thinking of you while I was posting this.  I bet you can come up with some great ones.  Just remember, they aren't aimed at anyone in particular.

[En_Route]

Oh come on, E_R!  I was actually thinking of you while I was posting this.  I bet you can come up with some great ones.  Just remember, they aren't aimed at anyone in particular.

All mine are, usually with calamitous consequences.

[OldGit]

Bessie Braddock berated Winston Churchill for being drunk.  Churchill replied, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober and you will still be ugly."

[The Black Jester]

Oh come on, E_R!  I was actually thinking of you while I was posting this.  I bet you can come up with some great ones.  Just remember, they aren't aimed at anyone in particular.

All mine are, usually with calamitous consequences.

Indeed, it's the context, considered together with the status of the victim, that provides the hilarity.

[En_Route]

Oh come on, E_R!  I was actually thinking of you while I was posting this.  I bet you can come up with some great ones.  Just remember, they aren't aimed at anyone in particular.

All mine are, usually with calamitous consequences.

Indeed, it's the context, considered together with the status of the victim, that provides the hilarity.

I prefer spontaneous over recycled wit. Or at least what I fondly imagine to be spontaneous wit.

[OldGit]

I have been known to ask in several stores, 'do you recruit your staff directly from the asylums, or do you have their brains surgically removed when they join you?'

[En_Route]

I have been known to ask in several stores, 'do you recruit your staff directly from the asylums, or do you have their brains surgically removed when they join you?'

A combination of vitriol and political incorrectness which given the standards of service in the UK retail sector is entirely pardonable.

[Non Quixote]

I have been known to ask in several stores, 'do you recruit your staff directly from the asylums, or do you have their brains surgically removed when they join you?'

A combination of vitriol and political incorrectness which given the standards of service in the UK retail sector is entirely pardonable.

I have spent time in the UK and can appreciate your meaning.  However I can assure you that "customer service" in US retail stores has in large part also gone the way of the dinosaurs. 

My favorite malcontent is the gum cracking counter clerk who doesn't even bother to interrupt her phone conversation to ring you up on the register.  Or better yet, makes you wait til she's done with her BFF on the phone.

[Asmodean]

I'm staying well clear of this one.

That. This thread is banished from The Asmo's graces.

[En_Route]

I have been known to ask in several stores, 'do you recruit your staff directly from the asylums, or do you have their brains surgically removed when they join you?'

A combination of vitriol and political incorrectness which given the standards of service in the UK retail sector is entirely pardonable.

I have spent time in the UK and can appreciate your meaning.  However I can assure you that "customer service" in US retail stores has in large part also gone the way of the dinosaurs.  

My favorite malcontent is the gum cracking counter clerk who doesn't even bother to interrupt her phone conversation to ring you up on the register.  Or better yet, makes you wait til she's done with her BFF on the phone.

When I've been in New York, my experience of customer service has been mainly in restaurants. Rictus smiles, scripted solicitude and well- drilled attentiveness , overlaid with the consciousness that failure to tip adequately would lead to being torn from limb to limb.

[Buddy]

"I'd call you a cunt but you lack the warmth and depth."