Marital Conundrum: Advice requested

[The Black Jester]

I have found myself in some measure well caught between the Devil and the deep blue sea. Rather, I should say, both my wife and I have, and this is made all the more difficult because the subject of our perplexity involves our dreams.  Specifically, the fact that our individual dreams are somewhat diametrically opposed.  We have not yet found a way to reconcile them, and thereby create a collective dream for our life together.  We have both changed in differing ways since we've been married, and I'm not sure how to reconcile our differences.

I shall try to wander a little away from such overweaning generalities and into a few more details. 

My wife is a real New Yorker.  More exactly, she is an Upper East Side New Yorker, born and bred, and she hates it.  She has a very sensitive nervous system, and as you can probably imagine, the last place anyone with a very sensitive nervous system should live is in New York.  And yet she has braved it for over 30 years.  Enough, however, is enough, and she truly does need to make a change to feel fulfilled, herself, and alive.  The only place she has ever felt any of those things is in Santa Fe, New Mexico, where she spent 2 of her college years.  (if you've never been to Santa Fe, New Mexico...well, to quote Douglas Adams: "you're stupid."  It's beyond beautiful there).  So she wants to move there.  She is a writer, and her dream is to be a writer in Santa Fe - one of the truly most inspired and inspiring places on earth.

I am a city boy.  I love the grit, the energy, the opportunities.  So I love New York.  Theater brought me here, my one-time great passion, since faded.  Well...let us say it drowned underneath the swelling realities of surviving, becoming a responsible adult, and I was forced to make a difficult choice between a dream and a day job.  Unfortunately two degrees in acting little prepare you for any practical survival, and most of my job-related experience is in office assistant work.  So I am an Executive Assistant in an Investment Bank - high level for my relative experience, well paid for what I do, and miserable. I am not at all fulfilled, am fed-up, and also need to make a change.

But beyond and above that, I am a lover of knowledge, and that has never faltered (I prefer this to 'intellectual' - the term carries far too many pretensions and negative associations).  I take classes in my spare time, because I love learning.  It is my dream to return to school and study Neuroscience.  Difficult at this stage of life. 10 years of extra schooling is enough to ruin a marriage.  A more feasible alternative might be to try for a science-writing program.  I would spend my time learning about every conceivable aspect of the sciences, and use my creative side to explain what I learn to other lay-persons.  I have my eye on some programs at some good universities, and they would only require a year of study, rather than 10.  Trouble is...moving to Santa Fe would effectively kill that.  There are very few educational opportunites near Santa Fe: at least few in the areas in which I am interested. 

My wife and I came up with a plan to have me apply to two programs...but she also would like to try living in Santa Fe for a year while I'm doing that.  Seems a good trade - except, the economy is incredibly rough there and it could use all our remaining resources just to get by. There is a good chance we would not find jobs, which would mean we'd be living off our savings, and not be able to save anything for school. The jobs there are, in my field, pay 70% less than what I make here in NYC (and we actually have a really low cost of living since we own the apartment we live in now).  It is not my dream to be an executive assistant in Santa Fe, any more than it is my ambition to be an executive assistant in NYC, and it is my fear that I would end up stuck there doing that, without an ability to further the dreams that I do have.

What should we do?

[Stevil]

I don't know what you should do, only you and your wife can work that one out.

I'd just like to point out that the world is much bigger than just NY and Santa Fe.
Also, with change often comes opportunity. It can happen in unexpected places.

Times are difficult right now and giving up a job is risky in that it may not be easy finding another.
But then again, what is the risk in Status Quo? Your wife is not happy in the city and you are not happy in your current job.

Are there long distance courses that you can take? Is there a compromise with regards to finding a city of opportunity as well as leisure?
I know some people who live in an apartment during the week but more remote place of leisure during the week-end. Maybe your wife could stay there all week long and you could live in the apartment during the week days?

Maybe, as a suggestion, you could consider sitting down with your wife and list all the things in your life, list your wants, your dreams, and prioritise them.
When you understand collectively what matters to you both then you could consider alternative options that best fit.
Once you have done this you could evaluate these options e.g. SWAT (strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats).
Don't expect a magic risk free, cost free answer, but at least if you understand each other, where you are at and where you want to get to then that is progress.

[The Black Jester]

I don't know what you should do, only you and your wife can work that one out.

I'd just like to point out that the world is much bigger than just NY and Santa Fe.
Also, with change often comes opportunity. It can happen in unexpected places.

Times are difficult right now and giving up a job is risky in that it may not be easy finding another.
But then again, what is the risk in Status Quo? Your wife is not happy in the city and you are not happy in your current job.

Are there long distance courses that you can take? Is there a compromise with regards to finding a city of opportunity as well as leisure?
I know some people who live in an apartment during the week but more remote place of leisure during the week-end. Maybe your wife could stay there all week long and you could live in the apartment during the week days?

Maybe, as a suggestion, you could consider sitting down with your wife and list all the things in your life, list your wants, your dreams, and prioritise them.
When you understand collectively what matters to you both then you could consider alternative options that best fit.
Once you have done this you could evaluate these options e.g. SWAT (strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats).
Don't expect a magic risk free, cost free answer, but at least if you understand each other, where you are at and where you want to get to then that is progress.

Very wise advice, you have my thanks 

[Whitney]

My short advice...my dream location was Portland Oregon; it seemed perfect.  Last I heard it has basically rained there for a whole year (YUCK!)....make sure you really want to live there year round (though I totally agree, that part of the country seems wonderful; yet I've only been to Tucson, AZ)

Perhaps a compromise would be moving to a larger city with a college that fits your needs that is also within a days drive of the areas she likes.  You could take long weekend and summer trips out there.  Then after you got your science writing degree you would eventually also have the freedom to move to a less populated area.

For me personally:  My ideal location is on the coast (Pretty much any coast with swim-able waters)...we aren't there yet; but I hope we will be eventually.  But other priorities such as work and family prevent doing so at this time...and probably will continue to prevent it till we are looking for a retirement location.

[The Magic Pudding]

I live in a place to which many people come for a holiday and some decide to move to.  Jobs are harder to find and generally less lucrative.  This joke is often passed around - the best way to get into small business is to buy a medium size one and wait.  Some  families end up split during the week because one member has to work in the city.  There can be a problem if you sell a property in a city, you decide to move back, but meanwhile prices have soared.  The tax effect of renting out a property you fully own, and renting another to live in sucks, I think this applies most places.

Anyway good luck.

[TeresaBenedicta]

Sounds like there's going to have to be some give and take for both of you.  Not sure what that'll mean in the practicals of things. 

My only particular advice would be this: Make sure you find employment before moving.  Start applying for jobs.  Get something stable.  Then make the move.  Part of what can determine if you make the move can be concrete job opportunities.

My short advice...my dream location was Portland Oregon; it seemed perfect.  Last I heard it has basically rained there for a whole year (YUCK!)....make sure you really want to live there year round (though I totally agree, that part of the country seems wonderful; yet I've only been to Tucson, AZ)

May 2010-May 2011 was nothing but rain here in the Portland area.  A particularly bad year.  I don't remember it ever being this rainy.

[The Black Jester]

Sounds like there's going to have to be some give and take for both of you.  Not sure what that'll mean in the practicals of things. 

My only particular advice would be this: Make sure you find employment before moving.  Start applying for jobs.  Get something stable.  Then make the move.  Part of what can determine if you make the move can be concrete job opportunities.

My short advice...my dream location was Portland Oregon; it seemed perfect.  Last I heard it has basically rained there for a whole year (YUCK!)....make sure you really want to live there year round (though I totally agree, that part of the country seems wonderful; yet I've only been to Tucson, AZ)

May 2010-May 2011 was nothing but rain here in the Portland area.  A particularly bad year.  I don't remember it ever being this rainy.

First of all, thanks everyone for their input.

@ TeresaBenedicta:

The practiacl upshot of "give & take" is precisely where we're falling flat.  We, of course, thoroughly agree with that in principle.  As far as job opportunities, we've begun looking, but a career couselor we contacted in Santa Fe emphasized that the job market was terrible.  My wife doesn't want to wait for that to improve before moving, so I'm getting a lot of pressure to make the change whatever the conditions, at least for a year.

[hismikeness]

I say, split the difference- St. Louis, MO, approximately. 

May 2010-May 2011 was nothing but rain here in the Portland area.  A particularly bad year.  I don't remember it ever being this rainy.

I live south of Portland and it has, indeed, been a ridiculously rainy fall/winter/spring. Summer is worth it in the Willamette Valley though, I don't care what anyone says.

Most years, it is gray and cloudy for a good chunk of the year but the downpour isn't as persistent as it has been this year. It's been dumping on us. I coach track, and we haven't had a meet this spring that the shot put ring has been dry, if you know what I mean.

[Will37]

I don't have an answer to your problem.  I do now wish to go to Santa Fe.

[amppax]

Well, i don't have much advice, but i do have one thought. If you are looking at Santa Fe, have you looked at other places in the southwest? It may be that there is somewhere else that works out nicely for both of you. I hope you can work everything out.