What Would You Do?

[i_am_i]

A close personal friend of mine had a singular experience last night. His wife told him that she suspects she's gay, that's she's attracted to women but she still loves him and she's starting to see a therapist.

Now I know that she's always been sort of tom-boyish, not a "girly" type at all but very attractive and funky. And she's damned intelligent. Everyone likes her and she's his best friend. She's a great girl, the kind any man would be happy to have as a wife.

They have no children so there's no concern there. But now this has happened and he doesn't know what to feel or what to make of it. His problem is that he's slightly mentally disabled so he hasn't worked in about ten years and she's the sole provider, and she makes very good money. Without her health insurance he'd not be able to get the medicine he takes or be able to afford to see his psychiatrist.  But they live a very nice and, I always thought, happy life.

So obviously he's pretty close to rock bottom now. He has no real freedom, no money of his own. He envisioned the two of them growing old together. He trusted her more than he's ever trusted anyone.

What do you say to someone in a position like that? Ever since I found out I've been thinking about it and it looks to me that this guy is really screwed. How do you tell someone that they're screwed, though? This is a tough one.

[GAYtheist]

Unfortunately, this is a by-product of our culture. If the woman is a lesbian, it's highly likely that she's saying this, not to hurt him, but to be honest. So many people marry knowing or suspecting that they're gay, but knowing, or thinking, that if they're out of the closet it could hurt them financially, cause them their family, friends, or a long list of other things. It is possible that your friend is screwed, and I am sorry to hear that, but while consoling him, make sure he knows that this is neither of their fault, and that her forcing herself to stay in the marriage could hurt her, him, and any children they may have in the future on many levels. I have many friends that have gone through this on both sides, and it sucks, but like I said, I don't view it as any one person's fault, but the fault of societies homophobia.

John

[Kylyssa]

Five years into my marriage my ex-husband told me he was gay.  We wanted to stay together but eventually his fear that I'd tell someone drove us apart - about five years later.  He was so afraid I'd tell someone that he started forbidding friendships and isolating me from the world.  He was also quite Republican and religious and those facts didn't help things.  We remained married for another five years for real and for one more year legally so I could stay on his health insurance.  Our partnership was theoretically open on both sides (but not really on mine - I guess if I took a lover I might have told him or her that my ex was gay) and a year after my ex came out of the closet we found a bisexual boyfriend and formed a triad.  It worked out nicely for everyone until my ex also started being extremely controlling of our boyfriend.  After four years together our boyfriend left and my ex became uber super mondo controlling of me (putting spyware on my computer, reading my email and chats, forbidding any new friends or meeting with friends without him, etc.) and then I left him.  

If it hadn't been for the control issues and the open only on one side marriage, we probably could have made things work.  Even though I totally accepted him, he felt he was unacceptable and was blind to it.

I hold none of it against him.  He was damaged by his upbringing in a home where homosexuality was unthinkable with parents who were abusive and neglectful.  He was indoctrinated in a homophobic religion.  I think he was in hideously deep denial and he held a lot of self-hatred.  That's what made him act like an ass.  It's surprising he's as normal as he is.  

There's a possibility also that your friend's wife is bisexual rather than homosexual.  They may want to consider opening their marriage.  If the marriage does dissolve amicably, perhaps, as my ex-husband did, his wife might be willing to stay married to him for a bit to keep him covered with her insurance until he can get it together.

I can't afford all of my medications, any doctor visits, or any therapy but I'm surviving.  Surely your friend will, too.  Unofficially, I recommend finding out if his medications are available from alldaychemist as the survival necessary ones of mine are.

[Tank]

A close personal friend of mine had a singular experience last night. His wife told him that she suspects she's gay, that's she's attracted to women but she still loves him and she's starting to see a therapist.

Now I know that she's always been sort of tom-boyish, not a "girly" type at all but very attractive and funky. And she's damned intelligent. Everyone likes her and she's his best friend. She's a great girl, the kind any man would be happy to have as a wife.

They have no children so there's no concern there. But now this has happened and he doesn't know what to feel or what to make of it. His problem is that he's slightly mentally disabled so he hasn't worked in about ten years and she's the sole provider, and she makes very good money. Without her health insurance he'd not be able to get the medicine he takes or be able to afford to see his psychiatrist.  But they live a very nice and, I always thought, happy life.

So obviously he's pretty close to rock bottom now. He has no real freedom, no money of his own. He envisioned the two of them growing old together. He trusted her more than he's ever trusted anyone.

What do you say to someone in a position like that? Ever since I found out I've been thinking about it and it looks to me that this guy is really screwed. How do you tell someone that they're screwed, though? This is a tough one.

Has your friend's partner suggested this is a relationship ending issue from her perspective?

There is nothing wrong with her exploring her sexuality inside her existing relationship. I'm not joking. I know one bisexual chap who went through agonies for decades. Eventually when he admitted this to his wife she really, really had no problem with it at all. He now gets paid to have sex with a few men who appreciate his particular talents. So he gets to play and gets paid! I know of another extended relationship that involves two women and one man. It started in Feb 2009 as a pretty straight forward affair but the chap 'fessed up to his wife as their sex life was pretty much non-existance. The wife was cool, they all met, and had to buy a bigger bed.

Unconventional relationships should be considered as people sometimes realise things are not what they though they were when they first met. Later in a relationship, once confidence has built up, it can sometimes be easier for one partner to admit to the other that there is more to them than meets the eye. Pressure on young people to conform to particular norms can hide underlying desires and hidden traumas that only come out years after a one-to-one commitments is made. Part of a strong relationship is accepting one's partner for what they are and not only letting them, but encouraging them to be all that they can be. Their success and pleasure should be as much one's own as theirs.

You're friend's problem is 'Where does this leave me?' If his partner is saying this is a life changing issue as opposed to a life expansion issue then he may have a problem. I assume you know the partner as well. Is she a sympathetic individual?

[SSY]

Wow, that must be a terrible feeling. I hope everything works out for him, he sounds like he is in a very vulnerable position.

[Martin TK]

A close personal friend of mine had a singular experience last night. His wife told him that she suspects she's gay, that's she's attracted to women but she still loves him and she's starting to see a therapist.

Now I know that she's always been sort of tom-boyish, not a "girly" type at all but very attractive and funky. And she's damned intelligent. Everyone likes her and she's his best friend. She's a great girl, the kind any man would be happy to have as a wife.

They have no children so there's no concern there. But now this has happened and he doesn't know what to feel or what to make of it. His problem is that he's slightly mentally disabled so he hasn't worked in about ten years and she's the sole provider, and she makes very good money. Without her health insurance he'd not be able to get the medicine he takes or be able to afford to see his psychiatrist.  But they live a very nice and, I always thought, happy life.

So obviously he's pretty close to rock bottom now. He has no real freedom, no money of his own. He envisioned the two of them growing old together. He trusted her more than he's ever trusted anyone.

What do you say to someone in a position like that? Ever since I found out I've been thinking about it and it looks to me that this guy is really screwed. How do you tell someone that they're screwed, though? This is a tough one.

I remember the first time my wife told me she was attracted to women, as well as me.  My first reaction was kind of silly, really, here we an extremely beautiful woman who was very sexual, and who appreciated the beauty of both men and women.  I think my first reaction was more "macho" than anything else.  I saw it as a threat to my manhood, and that was just plain stupid on my part. My wife and I sat down and had a long talk about her feelings, I asked questions about why she had this attraction, and found that I was actually aroused by it all.

We eventually worked through it to the point where I told my wife that if she wanted a girlfriend, I was cool with it.  I gave her the option of having this friend with or without my participation.  She was about 25 when she told me, I was around 35 and she experimented for about the next ten years, off and on, with various women she was attracted to.  Some, I was a part of, and some I wasn't; but the ultimate result of all this was that she came to respect me and love me more, because I didn't pull the whole "I forbid you from being bisexual" thing.  Eventually, she decided that she was more comfortable with a monogamous relationship.  Perhaps one day we will decide to have a live in girlfriend, but I leave that up to her.

The key here is communication, open-mindedness, and love.  IF she loves him, she will make it work for her and for him, so long as he opens up his own mind and doesn't get all freaked out with the religious/cultural taboos of society.  It can be a lot of fun.  I remember coming home from work on afternoon to find two very sexy women in my bed, waiting on me.  Gave a new meaning to a hard day's work, I'll tell you.    

[Whitney]

I don't think it sounds like she has decided to end the marriage (at least not at this point).  It's still possible that she'll realize she is bi rather than completely gay.  If they are both into it, they could get a girlfriend together.  They could decide to have an open marriage where both are free to explore other people safely on a recreational level yet come back home from true companionship.

Basically, there are a ton of options; some are more acceptable to society than others and not all options are best for everyone.

[i_am_i]

Great responses from everyone, thanks. The thing that's really got this guy worried is that he doesn't have any of "his own" money. Really, he's been pretty much a house-husband. He doesn't go out much, doesn't have many friends and I think he's been much too dependent on his wife. And now this happens to the guy. And he's around my age, fifty-seven, so it's not like he can just go out and start working in the corporate computer field or whatever he did again. Ten years is a long time to be out of work.

He definitely doesn't want his marriage to end but he's not really sure what she's thinking. If she were to leave him the poor guy wouldn't have anywhere to go. He'd be on the street, man. Anyway that's how I see it.

As to the sharing a girlfriend idea, that's actually quite funny if you know the guy. No, I can't see him going for that at all! Hah!

Again, thanks for the responses, guys.

[SSY]

If she decides to end their relationship, but they have been married for a while, he may be entitled to spousal support?

I also find it interesting the number of people open to third partners in relationships, I am far from prudish, but for me, any serious relationship would have to be 100% monogamous (for either orientation). It does seem (at least in this thread) that it goes over better if the third partner is of a different gender, presumably they are seen as less competition?

[karadan]

I don't think it sounds like she has decided to end the marriage (at least not at this point).  It's still possible that she'll realize she is bi rather than completely gay.  If they are both into it, they could get a girlfriend together.  They could decide to have an open marriage where both are free to explore other people safely on a recreational level yet come back home from true companionship.

Basically, there are a ton of options; some are more acceptable to society than others and not all options are best for everyone.

My sentiments exactly.

[Martin TK]

If she decides to end their relationship, but they have been married for a while, he may be entitled to spousal support?

I also find it interesting the number of people open to third partners in relationships, I am far from prudish, but for me, any serious relationship would have to be 100% monogamous (for either orientation). It does seem (at least in this thread) that it goes over better if the third partner is of a different gender, presumably they are seen as less competition?

If it was me who was bi-sexual, then I'd have no problem with a same gender relationship, however, I happen to not be bi.  I think the whole gist of most of the statements accepting the idea of multiple partners, is one of openess and one of being very comfortable with sexuality.  And, yes, I agree with you somewhat, that sharing one's spouse with someone NOT of the same sex, would be seen as more of a threat.

[zerofivetwoseven]

A close personal friend of mine had a singular experience last night. His wife told him that she suspects she's gay, that's she's attracted to women but she still loves him and she's starting to see a therapist.

Now I know that she's always been sort of tom-boyish, not a "girly" type at all but very attractive and funky. And she's damned intelligent. Everyone likes her and she's his best friend. She's a great girl, the kind any man would be happy to have as a wife.

They have no children so there's no concern there. But now this has happened and he doesn't know what to feel or what to make of it. His problem is that he's slightly mentally disabled so he hasn't worked in about ten years and she's the sole provider, and she makes very good money. Without her health insurance he'd not be able to get the medicine he takes or be able to afford to see his psychiatrist.  But they live a very nice and, I always thought, happy life.

So obviously he's pretty close to rock bottom now. He has no real freedom, no money of his own. He envisioned the two of them growing old together. He trusted her more than he's ever trusted anyone.

What do you say to someone in a position like that? Ever since I found out I've been thinking about it and it looks to me that this guy is really screwed. How do you tell someone that they're screwed, though? This is a tough one.

She has been open and honest with him and is taking positive steps to work through it. There is - apparently - no third party involved and she still loves him. So I disagree with your conclusion that he is screwed. Both need to give it time. While she is in therapy, they should remain together. They should have counselling as a couple since it obviously affects them both. What needs to be addressed specifically is why she believes she is gay. What was the trigger that lead to this thought? If she loves him - as she claims - how does this manifest itself ? If there is a physical side to it, then she is obviously not gay. She may be bi instead. All of this needs to be referenced before any decision is arrived at. If the absolute worst happened and after exhausting all possiblities she left him, the very least that should happen is to provide a means of financial support for him whilst freeing her of emotional responsibility. It wouldn't be ideal but it should be postponed till the very end, so that it will minimise the shock when she finally leaves. Not an ideal solution, but arguably the best in the circumstances.