I have a confession.

[Magdalena]

I fear them.  
I believe in forces one can’t see like solar power, wind power, gravity, the microwave, even Luke Skywalker‘s force; but god’s power has never been a good or bad influential force in my life. God’s will or wrath here on earth has not been a force strong enough to break me or make me. This is what makes me a proud-happy-atheist.

I was encouraged by an aunt to sing in the church choir as a child in El Salvador. I liked spending time at the church convent with the nuns, the Jesuits, the peacefulness and tranquility of the place. (We’re talking 1979 here). The actual church was another thing. I felt fear inside, the place was cold, I would walk in and see a huge cross with a man nailed to it bleeding with an expression of agony, somewhat begging for help. The image would make me feel guilty…of what? I don’t know, I was only 8 or 9 yrs old.

Later, a civil war broke out, soldiers killed Jesuits, raped nuns, killed the church bell ringer, left bullet holes around the walls etc. The church was being accused of being “subversive”, “mass agitators”, “communists”. At that time at that age I did wonder why god allowed such violence and left them unprotected. I began having doubts about his so called omnipotent power. When I saw such violence at God’s house, I felt sadness.

Both my parents abandoned me when I was a baby. I grew up with my grandfather and my uncle both the most wonderful, loving atheists I‘ve know so far. My parents re-appeared in my life after 10 years of not knowing who they were or what they even looked like. They turned out to be the most horrible child molester, abusive monsters that their god had created on earth. They went to church, had bible classes at home, would bring a priest to “bless” the house or horrors with “holy water.” This is when I began to feel discomfort towards anything holy. I never looked for god’s comfort, I couldn‘t feel that: “You are not alone” slogan, because I was. When they hurt me with no mercy, I don’t remember asking god to punish them.

I married a catholic monster who carried a gold chain with a cross around his neck, one in his car rear view mirror, and did the sign of the cross all over his head and chest before he did anything, I’m sure he also did it the times he slapped my face and kicked me. I felt nauseous whenever he told me to pray to make my depression go away.

I had a co-worker who had so many statues of angels and saints in her apartment it almost looked like a church inside. She was a tyrannical bitch. She got so many people fired from work because of her lies. One co-worker said: “There are bad people at every place you work, but not as evil as her.” I began to see a pattern with “this” people: Hatred.

Just like Lot, a drunken child rapist who never mourned the death of his wife, who asked men to rape his two virgin daughters instead of the angels god sent. According to god’s standards, he was chosen as a good man worth saving at Sodoma and Gomorra. Not all who believe in god are bad, I’m sure there are about 5 or 6 chosen by god, celestial Catholics with a VIP pass to heaven (like Lot) left in the world, I just haven’t met any yet. I do fear them, this I have to confess.
Any advice?

[Thom Phelps]

What a sad, sad, story and life you've had, Magdalena. I'm sorry for you.

Some people are broken. But it's not entirely their religion that makes them that way. No need to fear them, just avoid them.

There are good people out there who will nourish you emotionally and support you, religious and non-religious. The trick is in finding them.

[notself]

Magdalena,

You speak of your fear but do not have hate for those who did these horrible things. How truly wonderful.

May you be well and happy
May you be safe and free from harm
May you be at peace.

notself.

[skwurll]

I feel for you. It is a shame bad things like this happen to good people, everyone has their own burdens, you just got stuck with worse than most. It does say something about your character in the way that you didn't let it destroy you, as the old saying goes, "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger"

If there is any advice I can give it is this; Don't let anyone control you, don't let the world make you cold, and pick your battles.