Are human beings meant for monogamy or is it society trying to reform us?

[Ali]

I'm not intending to bash marriage, but a lot of people put pressure on you. Especially women in Asian culture. You are a leper if you aren't married before 30.
I dont care what people do honestly, but people gave broken up long term relationships because one person doesn't want to be married.
I think people need to stop acting lke its a special thing that completes a person. And married people tend to look down on "aw poor you" not married couples. I really fucking dislike the judging. Like I am not in a perfect, loving relationship unless  I have a scrap of paper.

All I want is for society to stop acting like everyone needs marriage, or else your love "doesnt matter."

I doubt this is a problem caused married people specifically, just general narrow-mindedness.
I'm married and I have never asked my single friends "So, when are you going to tie the knot?" Because A) it's none of my business and B) I don't want to imply that they have to do everything that I do.

I also never ask people "when" they are having kids, "when" they're going to move in with someone, etc. marriage still means something to a lot of people and I don't think that's an inherently horrible thing (we are social creatures who like having traditions). It's just a matter of how much you re-enforce the privilege behind it. Saying that I'm a bigot because I've chosen to get married would be a bit much, I think.

Totally agree.

I also think it's funny that people bitch about "feeling judged" for not getting married while turning around and talking about how stupid and sexist and what not marriage is.  Pot, have you met kettle?

I've had both kinds of experiences: I've had non-married people talk me into the dirt for submitting to an evil, archaic system. And I've had other married people smugly treat me like "one of them". Both situations made me feel very uncomfortable and neither evaluation felt like "me". 

But it's kind of like being a mother; if you stay home with your child, you're a subjugated domestic with no identity or goals. If you decide to work, you're a selfish, ambitious, neglectful creature who lets other people raise her kids and will live to regret it. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.
It's taken me a while, but there's something really useful in being able to say "fuck it" when people try to impose some kind of external value on your very personal life-choices.

As humans, I think one of the best things we can do is let other people identify themselves how they want to and just let everything else go. 

Wise.

[Sweetdeath]

I'm not intending to bash marriage, but a lot of people put pressure on you. Especially women in Asian culture. You are a leper if you aren't married before 30.
I dont care what people do honestly, but people gave broken up long term relationships because one person doesn't want to be married.
I think people need to stop acting lke its a special thing that completes a person. And married people tend to look down on "aw poor you" not married couples. I really fucking dislike the judging. Like I am not in a perfect, loving relationship unless  I have a scrap of paper.

All I want is for society to stop acting like everyone needs marriage, or else your love "doesnt matter."

I doubt this is a problem caused married people specifically, just general narrow-mindedness.
I'm married and I have never asked my single friends "So, when are you going to tie the knot?" Because A) it's none of my business and B) I don't want to imply that they have to do everything that I do.

I also never ask people "when" they are having kids, "when" they're going to move in with someone, etc. marriage still means something to a lot of people and I don't think that's an inherently horrible thing (we are social creatures who like having traditions). It's just a matter of how much you re-enforce the privilege behind it. Saying that I'm a bigot because I've chosen to get married would be a bit much, I think.

Well, more people should be like you, DJ ^__^

[The Magic Pudding]

Is monogamy unnatural?
Or, as Dr Chris Ryan's talk at the Sydney Opera House was entitled: 'If you want fidelity, get a dog'.  He reviews the enjoyment of sex, evidence from prehistory, and even the charming behaviour of bonobos, to suggest that conventional monogamy is but a blip in human history. And, basically, doesn't work.

http://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/scienceshow/is-monogamy-unnatural3f/3818274

[philosoraptor]

Much more than a piece of paper, whether you are emotionally bonded to that person or not.  You can believe otherwise if you want, but that doesn't change the way it actually is and to say otherwise is to do a disservice to all the same sex couples that have fought to have their relationships recognized.  I get it-you're against marriage.  But you're also not married, so to keep throwing around these disparaging comments about marriage and the people who get married when you have no actual experience to back it up is kind of offensive.  

when you have no actual experience ?

what is the actual experience of being married?
Is it not in essence a commited monogamy with legal binding contract?
Is marriage not already equivalent to a civil union certificate as far as legal, property, tax and inheritance goes?
so specifically not to do with legal monetary issues,

THE NEED TO DECLARE AND BROADCAST YOUR PAIR-BONDING
IN A PSYCHOSEXUAL CONTEXT TO THE SURROUNDING SOCIETY
IS DIVISIVE AND BIGOT-FORMING

and purely of patriarchical inadequacy anguish origin

I have performed several rituals of marriage and divorce in which I was god, priest, groom and church.
I am commited and focused to my partner.
Nothing Lasts For Ever, but things ever emegre as they vanish

in british tax forms it has
"married, in civil union, or living AS married with partner" = you tick the box and get the tax

Actions are described as monogamy
Marriage describes something rather ugly which we rename, redefine, and incorporate into our romance unknowingly.

What is the actual experience of being married?  It's different for every couple.  And yes, I absolutely do resent someone tossing around nasty, hateful comments about marriage and the people who choose to get married when they themselves are not married and claim they're tired of being judged by people.  Ali pretty much summed it up: pot, meet kettle. 

Whatever the law is in Britain, most US states require a couple to actually be married to get the tax benefit-in some states, common law marriage is recognized if a couple cohabits for a certain period of time.  If it were as simple as checking off a box to get a tax break, I imagine everyone would be doing it.

In the same breath you condemn marriage as bigoted, but say you've performed several marriage ceremonies?  Well, call me crazy, but by your own logic I guess that makes you a bigot.  And a hypocrite. Considering how patently obvious I've made it that I care very much about everyone having equal rights, I resent the implication that my choice to get married makes me a bigot.  Are a civil union and a marriage legally equivalent?  Well sure, I guess.  But as I've already stated, I see this as just another version of the separate but equal bullshit that went on in the US between blacks and whites.  Now it's gays and straights.  It wasn't okay then, and it's not okay now.  Just because some married people are assholes who want to withhold the rights they enjoy from others doesn't mean that all married people are like this.  The argument you've made is just as nasty and hateful as Christians who claim that all atheists must be immoral.

[Sandra Craft]

Is monogamy unnatural?
Or, as Dr Chris Ryan's talk at the Sydney Opera House was entitled: 'If you want fidelity, get a dog'.  He reviews the enjoyment of sex, evidence from prehistory, and even the charming behaviour of bonobos, to suggest that conventional monogamy is but a blip in human history. And, basically, doesn't work.

I would agree with that, and it's just my misfortune to have been born during the blip period and generally expected to do something I'm neither physically nor psychologically inclined to -- often enough by people who haven't been even remotely involved in any of my relationships.  I suppose I should have mentioned before that my relationship with my girlfriend (the longest and most serious one of my life) is technically non-monogamous while being monogamous by default for some years.

Having said that, I think that if anyone wants to be monogamous and takes a shot at it, then more power to them.  To me, the issue is not about abolishing or condemning monogamy (however unnatural it may be!) but being more honest about human sexuality and accepting of its variations. 

[statichaos]

I've seen monogamous relationships that succeeded and others that failed.  I've seen polyamorous relationships that succeeded, and others that failed.  I suspect that any blanket statement regarding human sexuality in terms of specific practices being "natural" or "unnatural" is doomed to fall apart upon closer examination.

[Tank]

I've seen monogamous relationships that succeeded and others that failed.  I've seen polyamorous relationships that succeeded, and others that failed.  I suspect that any blanket statement regarding human sexuality in terms of specific practices being "natural" or "unnatural" is doomed to fall apart upon closer examination.

As you say the spectrum of possible human relationships is so wide that a 'normal' relationship is really only what society expects it to be.

[Sandra Craft]

I've seen monogamous relationships that succeeded and others that failed.  I've seen polyamorous relationships that succeeded, and others that failed.  I suspect that any blanket statement regarding human sexuality in terms of specific practices being "natural" or "unnatural" is doomed to fall apart upon closer examination.

I have to disagree with regard to "natural" sexuality, that seems to me very easy to determine, but then I think you are refering to relationships more than sexuality which is a different thing -- more a matter of social norms and personality than sexual nature.

[pytheas]

What is the actual experience of being married?  It's different for every couple.
In the same breath you condemn marriage as bigoted, but say you've performed several marriage ceremonies?  at I care very much about everyone having equal rights, I resent the implication that my choice to get married makes me a bigot.

Read me  carefully so that we may have a meaningful exchange

I am not against the coupling of two individuals, on the contrary it is one of the objectives in living I agree upon.

I am very much for equal rights too, but also increased sense of responsibility, and SELF-AUTHORITY

There are broadly 2 levels in a join, marriage, civil union or whatever the label:

1) The sentimental one   2) The legal one

The STATE (and not the church) is to provide authority and protection for level 2
The persons involved, the individuals,  I say, should provide authority and self-protection for  level 1

There are plenty of examples of fixed marriages, trap marriages, arranged marriages, sponsored marriages that need NOT be

Love, passion and true inter-personal connection shuns, shyies away from "officiality"

I have no doubt that  many of you are happily joined in a "marriage".
All I am saying is that your match, and no-one's match can be or should be  attributed to the contract you chose to perform.
Each wedding anniversary should have the power of a renewal contract, and justify yearly marital celebrations (or none at all)

[Tank]

What is the actual experience of being married?  It's different for every couple.
In the same breath you condemn marriage as bigoted, but say you've performed several marriage ceremonies?  at I care very much about everyone having equal rights, I resent the implication that my choice to get married makes me a bigot.

Read me  carefully so that we may have a meaningful exchange

Not wishing to appear adversarial but there is an onus on you (on anybody) to convey their thoughts accurately. If somebody has not understood what you have written then the first thing you should consider is how what you wrote was incomplete or ambiguous. Saying "Read me  carefully so that we may have a meaningful exchange" could come over as rather rude and patronising, as though you are talking down to somebody you consider beneath you and/or stupid. I don't think that was your intent.

I have no doubt that  many of you are happily joined in a "marriage".
All I am saying is that your match, and no-one's match can be or should be  attributed to the contract you chose to perform.
Each wedding anniversary should have the power of a renewal contract, and justify yearly marital celebrations (or none at all)

This makes sense to me and clarifies your position admirably.

[pytheas]

From wiki:
History of marriage by culture
Various cultures have had their own theories on the origin of marriage. One example may lie in a man's need for assurance as to paternity of his children. He might therefore be willing to pay a bride price or provide for a woman in exchange for exclusive sexual access.[16] Legitimacy is the consequence of this transaction rather than its motivation. In Comanche society, married women work harder, lose sexual freedom, and do not seem to obtain any benefit from marriage.[17] But nubile women are a source of jealousy and strife in the tribe, so they are given little choice other than to get married. "In almost all societies, access to women is institutionalized in some way so as to moderate the intensity of this competition."[18]

I need the Authority of the Heavens ( oops no,  ok the state) to give me the right to fuck MY wife, which I OWN in body and soul, to USE as I like and be done with her in a closet, when I am through.

Your personal story of happiness, is just that: PERSONAL

The multitude of living tragedies are more than that: INSTITUTIONALISED


paz a los hombres
guerra a los institutiones

[Tank]

From wiki:
History of marriage by culture
Various cultures have had their own theories on the origin of marriage. One example may lie in a man's need for assurance as to paternity of his children. He might therefore be willing to pay a bride price or provide for a woman in exchange for exclusive sexual access.[16] Legitimacy is the consequence of this transaction rather than its motivation. In Comanche society, married women work harder, lose sexual freedom, and do not seem to obtain any benefit from marriage.[17] But nubile women are a source of jealousy and strife in the tribe, so they are given little choice other than to get married. "In almost all societies, access to women is institutionalized in some way so as to moderate the intensity of this competition."[18]

I need the Authority of the Heavens ( oops no,  ok the state) to give me the right to fuck MY wife, which I OWN in body and soul, to USE as I like and be done with her in a closet, when I am through.

Your personal story of happiness, is just that: PERSONAL

The multitude of living tragedies are more than that: INSTITUTIONALISED


paz a los hombres
guerra a los institutiones

This conveys no useful information.

[Amicale]

Although it does not seem to be the case that humans are naturally driven to monogamy, many seem to prefer it for various reasons, at least in a serial sense if not permanently. Lots of you have already listed the reasons. Here's my perspective. I've been with my girlfriend for over seven years. She's the love of my life and my best friend. I've never felt more comfortable with anyone than I do with her. In the time we've been together... we've lived together, and we've lived apart. For family, financial and a few personal reasons, we're currently in a long distance relationship, in two different towns. We see each other as often as possible. She adores my daughter, and she makes me laugh like nobody else does or can. I do my best to show my similar appreciation for her! I'd be happy to marry her, and I believe she'd be happy to marry me. Both of us are under the age of 30. I assume within the next few years, we may get married... but it's not on the immediate horizon, as far as I know.

We're both OK with that. We're committed to one another emotionally, above all else. In terms of monogamy especially in a long distance relationship, we're absolutely fine with 'monogamish' should something happen, as Dan Savage puts it. And it hasn't happened yet, we seem to be fine with just each other! We simply have the understanding that if something comes up unexpectedly that's of a physical nature with someone else, it wouldn't be the end of what we've got. Something of an emotional nature, on the other hand, would be an issue. I also would be very, very surprised if that occurred -- we've each got friends we're close with of both genders, but neither of us feels inclined to 'be romantic' with anyone else. She's it for me, anyhow. The day I realized I would want to marry her was the same day I realized I was in love with my best friend.

I've seen some bad marriages, and some good ones... but I still love the idea of marriage. Not the wedding itself per se, although that's sweet and wonderful -- but the marriage. The being a team with your best friend on so many levels, even if you fight, drive each other nuts, and need some time to yourself. It's all part of it. And I feel profoundly grateful that I live in a country where marriage for EVERYONE regardless of sexuality has been fully legal, nationally, for several years now. I sincerely hope the option's soon made available to anyone else who wants it, too.

By the way, I was delighted to read everyone's take here on their own marriages, relationships, and partnerships. And I don't judge anyone for wanting to be single, or partnered without the actual marriage. You know what works for you and your life, and I couldn't pretend to know that. I just want the option open to anyone who does want it.

[statichaos]

I've seen some bad marriages, and some good ones... but I still love the idea of marriage. Not the wedding itself per se, although that's sweet and wonderful -- but the marriage. The being a team with your best friend on so many levels, even if you fight, drive each other nuts, and need some time to yourself. It's all part of it. And I feel profoundly grateful that I live in a country where marriage for EVERYONE regardless of sexuality has been fully legal, nationally, for several years now. I sincerely hope the option's soon made available to anyone else who wants it, too.

Stick with those thoughts, and you'll do fine in your marriage when and if it happens.  And I envy you living in a nation where all are allowed to marry the person of their choosing so long as it's legally consensual.  When marriage equality is finally enacted in my state, I'll be thrilled that my wife and I are no longer part of a straights-only club.

[Sweetdeath]

Pytheas has explained what this topic is about quite well. No one is against marriage. I am certainly all for equal rights.
So there is no.need to get so upset Philosoraptor. I think some of you were born into a different time maybe  where marriage is expected at an early age.
Me, persnally, I don't see the point as feelings eventually fade or change.

There are billions of people on earth. Why exactly should I believe only one is 'right' for me?