Paula Zahn to Join Anna Nicole Smith in Hell

[Setec]

A satire from the Blog of the Gods, posted by God:

Yesterday I spoke too soon in praise of CNN. I wrote in My last post about devout windbag Debbie Schlussel,

I’m glad CNN realized she belongs on an expert panel, while a lesser network might have assigned her to a straightjacket. Unfortunately their good judgement did not last â€" they’ve called noted atheist Richard Dawkins to appear in rebuttal on the same show tonight at 8:00pm.

When God says something is going to happen, it damn well better happen! We Gods were all gathered in front of the 200-Inch Plasma TV of the Gods, eager to watch Our faithful allies, armed with lies and endearing Bushesque incoherence, defeat the eloquent atheist in debate. But when Paula Zahn came on she had different news:

BREAKING NEWS! Brainless litigious gold-digging decaying druggie bimbo Anna Nicole Smith is dead.

“Hallelujah!” thought I.

Then I realized they were going to scrap the entire planned show and prattle about this instead. Paula Zahn defied My word and embarrassed me in front of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The penalty for this is eternal damnation, a.k.a. “divine timeout.”

I’m a just God. I could forgive coverage of a major emergency, as you will see when California falls off into the ocean. But this? Here you have someone who devoted her life to getting naked until some rich guy on death’s doorstep would marry her, so she could inherit and then fritter away her unearned millions pretending to be important until she’s finally too old and ugly for anybody to notice. You know what’s more important than that? Everything.

I don’t know how you fill an entire sentence with that story, let alone an entire hour. I also don’t know exactly what Paula Zahn covered because I quickly channel-surfed my way to something more intellectual (like Reno 911). However, it was hard-hitting journalism along these general lines:

• Can we see pics of her guts after the autopsy? Can we can we?
• Who will care for her goldfish? What fish food does it prefer?
• Did you know that Anna Nicole Smith can be rearranged to spell A channel I mist on? It’s an annagram.
• Is she an implant donor?

This story inspires me to reveal something about the uniquely personal nature of hell, where, as you might have guessed, Anna Nicole Smith is currently burning. Furthermore, she has to make love to the 90-year-old oil tycoon she married four times a day for all eternity. He’s not rich, though. He lives in a van down by the River of Fire. The van is stocked with just enough moldy bread for survival, and an endless supply of Viagra. It smells like dead salmon.

When Paula Zahn finally dies, she will join local Action News 11 in the 9th Circle of Hell, where she will be partnered with a blind cameraman and eternally assigned to doing 30-second pieces about elementary school bake sales and firefighters getting cats out of trees. At night she will still be sandwiched between Wolf Blitzer and Larry King, in more ways than one.

By the way, the rescheduled Dawkins interview will appear at 8:00pm on Monday, February 12th. I’m not willing to reveal exactly what will happen if it gets bumped again, but locusts will be involved.

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Hope you got a good laugh.

[McQ]

Setec, thanks for the laugh and welcome to the forum!

Your post was perfect. ANS (the plasticine gold-digger) doesn't even warrant a mention here, but I like to think of how much better her baby will be without her around. Cruel? Not in the least.

I particularly liked your version of hell.

[ImpaledSkier]

oh so happy I'm not the only one who is wondering why ANS is getting more than a side mention between important stories.

The only way this converage will be justified is if TrimmSpa is sued for everything and the CEOs will be required to donate all their money to a charity or 12.