heartbroken, wanting to be happy former jehovah's witness

[bigdarnhero]

I grew up in a household of Jehovah's Witnesses. My mother was the faithful type who would go out preaching several times a week. My father would never preach publicly for reasons he refused to explain to his children even upon their crying request. My oldest brother was appointed the position of an Elder in his late twenties, an early age at the time. Later he would be disfellowshipped for faltering in his marriage, despite his repentance. Going down five years in age my only sister was baptized young but faded herself out of the religion as she went to college. Another five years younger my brother closest only in age, put his god before anything and anyone, except for his wife, whom to appease he eagerly uninvited me to his wedding.

I on the other hand did not get baptized young, I never got baptized at all. I was always skeptical of belief in anything supernatural. But being ashamed of my beliefs being known to the family, rightly so with scriptures like the one below being rammed into my consciousness how was I to expect them to react. Much they way they have.

At the moment my mom is severely heart-broken that her daughter keeps contact to the family to a minimal, that her oldest son has been expelled from her religion, that her other son treated me so poorly. This was the time I chose to come out as an Atheist, not out of disrespect to her but out of not wanting to live my life as a lie anymore. I do not believe in anything supernatural. I cannot choose to believe that, it just is what I believe. And I am always willing to take in evidence of anyones belief, I am not dogmatic, I refuse to be.

The problem I have now is how I am treated by my family. If my father tries to talk to me, he can never do so respectfully. He never has been able to. When I mentioned my interest and leaning towards the belief in natural selection he put that big smile he always puts on his face and chuckles. I said fuck you, and walked away. He wanted me to come back and have a respectful discussion, but I told him that's impossible to have with someone who is not willing to respect my beliefs or even accept the idea of himself being wrong (not just in religion, but in anything).

I'm at a breaking point in my life with my family. I'm 21 and work retail, have not started college due to my decision to take care of myself mentally first. A few years ago, mostly due to religious pressure that I was not living up to I decided to kill myself. My attempts failed. This is one strike against me in their eyes as my atheism explains "how I've been acting all along." During my time in the hospital I was diagnosed with OCD and bipolar. I do not have enough earnings to move out. But with the way I am treated here I feel I may be better off living out of my car than dealing with another moment of torturous disrespect.

Psalm 14:1

"The senseless one has said in his heart: "There is no Jehovah." They have acted ruinously, they have acted detestably in their dealing. There is no one doing good."

So because someone does not believe in a god, they are automatically doing no good. They have no moral compass, and depending on which religion you stand by that person is either to be punished or ignored by this supernatural being. There are a few religions which do not write off this "lost soul" but for the most part they follow this scripture in their judgment of atheists.

I have explained this to my family all I get are blank stares. I say that if god exists I don't think he would think I'm a bad person based on how I live my life. But no matter how I reason I cannot reach them. What's worse is that I am not yet knowledgeable enough about natural selection and other alternatives to creationism to defend myself on the spot. What I do believe is that there is nothing supernatural, but I owe it to myself to learn as much as I can about the alternatives because we did get here somehow.

I know moving out into my car would be rash and probably stupid. But one of the rules in this house is to respect the owner. I cannot uphold respect for someone who treats me as I am the fool mentioned in that scripture, disrespect and belittles my beliefs and denies even doing so.

Anyone who has any words of advice or help to anything I've said above, please don't hold back. I feel desperate.

Funny, after rereading this and looking at the title where I say I'm a former Jehovah's Witness. That's not true, I just grew up around them, I never was one. To witness to something you have to believe.

[curiosityandthecat]

I was going to post a happy dance because I thought, "Great, another person shedding the weight of religion!"

Then I read a bit closer, and that would've been inappropriately "spunky." I'm sure you'll get some good advice here. Welcome.

[katjo]

Hi, Sorry this is a longer post than I planned - there is a lot in this that you might not want to hear, but I'm going to say it anyway.  I'm really pleased that you have rejected the nonsense of religion, but you have other things to think about at the moment.

Frankly living in your car will be a nightmare - far more likely to result in another attempt at suicide.  Also once you leave home it would be very difficult to be able to move back in.

However, your family treat you with no respect, they fail to acknowledge your opinions and they mock them.  They treat you like a naive child and your mother is piling on the pressure by trying to make you feel guilty.  Living there must be truly awful, but the alternative is likely to be far worse.

You say that they expect you to 'respect the owner' - this can mean many things.  What does this actually mean in your case?  Agreeing with them?  Or just not telling them to 'fuck off'?

My mother (with whom I have had a very chequered relationship in the past) used to say "there are always at least two solutions to any problem".  I now quote this back to her when she rings me up with alternatives she can't chose between.  OK, let's be honest, it isn't a hard and fast rule, but it can help you to think about alternatives.

When I have a problem in my life I also find two more rules are very helpful:
1) "you cannot change other people, you can only change yourself"  - ie changing your behaviour is necessary if you want to change how someone else  behaves towards you.
2) "when you do what you always did, you get what you always got - if what you are doing is not working, try something different"

So applying these ideas - firstly, it is likely that there is at least one more possibility - is there anyone else you could live with, even for a while?  A relative?  A friend?  Can you move into a shared house/apartment?
Secondly, while you tell your father to 'fuck off' it is likely to get him to behave in exactly the same way that he always has - he will feel disrespected and angry, he tries to assert his authority in the only way that might have worked in the past - when you were younger.  So you have to change, if you don't you will find that you are just going around the same spiral again and again.  If you change the way that you behave towards him then it will break the vicious spiral and he may slowly be able to start to behave differently towards you.  There is absolutely no point in you thinking that "they don't respect my ideas", they are thinking the same about you.

At the moment you are probably far too angry to be able to come to any conciliation with them - these things usually take a while anyway.  You don't want to live a lie, but at the moment, trying to establish your rights is not going to be possible within your family home.  Whatever you believe, you have to begin to change the way that you are reacting when they push your buttons.  Your mother is piling on the guilt because it is the only way she knows how to tackle this problem.  Believe me, mothers often do this - making your kids feel guilty is a common way of trying to bring them into line when they behave in ways you would rather they didn't (yes, I am a mother - my sons are slightly younger than you).

You need to think about the possibilities, and think laterally.  Only you can judge the situation and work out the best plan, however, what I would do in your situation is:
1) try to move out to somewhere else
2) failing that, get out of the house as much as possible (without imposing on your family unnecessarily - don't treat the place as a hotel, don't give them other reasons to get angry) - go and join clubs, societies, volunteer groups, education classes.  Do extra work if it is available - apart from anything else you need the money to be able to get out.  Meeting with other people will make you feel better about yourself.
3) stop reacting when they push your buttons - be polite, behave in a mature and adult manner.  Even if you don't agree with them it is their house and they expect you to respect their beliefs - how can you expect them to respect your beliefs when you don't respect theirs?  (Yes, I am personally completely with you - their beliefs are total rubbish, but you won't change their ideas by shouting at them - and in the meantime you have to live there).  While you behave like a child when you get angry they will think that they can continue to treat you like a child.

I also think that there is absolutely no point in trying to argue your case.  They have been completely immersed in this for many years (all their lives?), they are not going to change their minds, they believe this absolutely and are very frightened by what they imagine will happen if they don't believe in it.  It's worth thinking about what the consequences for them of changing their minds might be - Loss of friends?  Social contact?  Rejection by neighbours?  Even deliberate shunning in public?  Just having a child who disagrees with them may be putting them under considerable pressure from other people.  What are you expecting?  They are going to suddenly say "oh, goodness me, I was wrong all along"?  Get real.

Long term, get enough money to move out.

Sorry to hear that life is so shitty at the moment.  
Katjo

[Miss Anthrope]

Hi, and welcome to the forums.

You're in such a hard place; you have my sincerest sympathies.

Please don't attempt to live in your car. I can only imagine how hard it is to live at home with such treatment, but if other than the emotional toll it's a safe environment, then please stick it out until you can find another place to live. Try to minimize the amount of disrespect you recieve even it means keeping your atheism and related beliefs to yourself, living in your car is not safe and as angry as you are with your family completely deattaching yourself from them could induce separation anxiety, which isn't an emotional state you want to be in while roughing it on your own living in a vehicle. Try to be secure in your beliefs and remember that it doesn't really matter what your parents think, what's important is your safety above all else.

[Kylyssa]

Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT go off and live in your car if you want your life to get better.  That's the least safe route you could possibly take.  It's homelessness and homelessness is incredibly dangerous.  If you already have any emotional issues, you'll likely be adding PTSD from the almost inevitable assaults on your mind and body which result from being homeless.  I was homeless, not of my own choosing.  I walk with a limp and have seizures from a skull fracture I was given during that time.  I also bear many other scars, both physical and mental.  Purposely becoming homeless is not much better than suicide - it will only take longer to kill you and put you through torture first.  

OK, now that I've dismissed the idea of purposely becoming homeless as easily as your parents dismiss your non-beliefs, let's move on.  

Here's my advice for dealing with the situation, in no particular order:

1.  If you want to move out, throw yourself into work, maybe get a second job if you can and save every penny you possibly can.  If you are questioned about throwing yourself into work, respond that keeping busy keeps your mind occupied or that it fights depression.

2.  Meanwhile, write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal.  Even the whiniest, bitchiest, darkest stuff that comes to your mind.  Try not to dwell on those things, just bleed them off as written words.

3.  Love your parents and try to forgive them.  They really aren't trying to be mean, they are just brainwashed into absolute hatred of all other beliefs.  They probably are actually terrified that their baby is going to burn in Hell forever.  It may help to think of them as victims, people you love who have been forced into living a fairy tale through endless exposure, fear, and intense societal and familial pressure.  You are experiencing those forces right now but they probably faced worse, combined with the fact that they believe the lie.  You wouldn't dream of blaming a victim of child abuse for being messed up.  Your parents are child abuse victims who have been told that it's all their fault and who never escaped the abuse.

4.  Treat your parents with compassion.  Tell them you are sorry for treating them rudely.  I'm sure, if you think about it, you are sorry that you've upset them though not for thinking the things that upset them.  Let their religious ramblings slide off you.  Try responding to evangelism and hand wringing with, "You know what, Mom/Dad?  I love you and I'll never stop appreciating everything you've done for me but I'm going to be OK."  Another polite way to brush them off when they get upset is to let them know you are examining your beliefs and that anything you are forced into would just be faking it and that you're sure you'll arrive at the truth eventually.  You just don't need to explain what you think the truth is.  You don't need to lie, just keep your non-beliefs as quiet as you wish they'd keep their beliefs.

5.  If you are not already, try to get professional help with your OCD and bipolar disorder, even if it means medication.  You'll probably be shocked to see how much easier it is to deal with crap when you are feeling better and your mind stops racing.  

6.  Face the fact that you are going to be disrespected by someone all of your life for one reason or another.  I know it hurts more when it's people who are supposed to treat you with love but it's just a fact of life.  If you just accept that as part of them, like a bad habit of theirs, you'll be a lot happier.

7.  Stop arguing with your parents.  It will only make you more miserable and you are never going to get through to them.

8.  Find people who will be supportive.  Joining this forum is a good step.

[DennisK]

I can't really add to the advice given thus far as it is prudent.  Welcome.  It's good to have you.

[VanReal]

Welcome.  Hopefully being on the forum will help, it's good to find at least an outlet for your grief and/or upset.  I will mention, speaking from personal experience, that if you are bipolar you need to understand and realize that you are not always a rational person.  You are probably feeling at a loss and suicidal during a downswing and combative and argumentative during your up.  You need to realize what you are doing and step back a bit to try to figure out if you are being reasonable.  The one bit about talking to your dad and him "smiling" in that way he does and you basically saying "F - you" and walking off is a bit unreasonable.  It may not be for a pre-teen or teenager but for your age it is, and I would be willing to bet has a lot to do with your mental health.  I'm not a big advocate for medication, but some need it, but I hope that you don't make any decisions like living in your car or battling it out with your folks while you are not really stable fr decision making.

Be careful, try to relax and reflect and always keep safety in mind.  It's very hard, and more hard for your because you are going "against the grain".  Deep breaths, and try to stick it out until you are better capable of being on your own.  

Take care, and vent, vent, vent in writing and with strangers......it works much better!  

Again, welcome!