Coming out to my family

[Nazzer]

I've been an Atheist for 2 years now, and I'm a Junior in high school in Oklahoma, which is a bible-belt state. I've been keeping my atheism on the down-low around my mom (My father is deceased), but I hate lying to her.

So, I've decided to start coming out of the "church closet", so to speak, but I want to make this as painless as possible. I initiated my coming-out after seeing Bill Maher's Religulous the weekend of its release. I've been more open about my support of evolution, allowing myself to be seen reading Decent of Man by Charles Darwin, and I was open in telling my family what movie I went to see when I saw Religulous in theaters.

Does anyone have any advice about telling my family about my disillusionment with Christianity?

[Sophus]

It's good to avoid getting into discussion of the why and how you converted. It just makes things more tense. Let them know you care about them and that's all you think matters. Not what they believe.

You may find it helps to explain to written word too.

[jrosebud]

With my family, it helped for me to explain to them (my mom especially) my reasons for becoming an Atheist.  They know that I think that it's the most ethical way for me to live and that I have the very best of intentions, so they can't charge me with simply wanting to do "bad" things or "being mad at God."  They can't follow the logic or have ways of convincing themselves that their god is good, so they're still highly religious; but they respect me and tend to leave me alone on supernatural topics, for the most part.  We have a good relationship, which is something I'm extremely glad about.  If I hadn't taken the time to explain, they'd probably still think of me as the lapsed Catholic who will come back to the fold after she settles down.  (Then again, maybe they still do; but at least I feel like I've given the topic some effort.  They know where I stand.  And hopefully they have a better idea of where that is than just the vague title of Atheist.)

[curiosityandthecat]

Good luck, is all I can say. I should "come out" to my extended family, but they're old and very set in their ways... and I'm set to receive quite a bit of inheritance, so I'd rather keep my name on the will.  

[Whitney]

If you think your mom will react poorly, you might want to wait till you don't have to live in her house anymore.

I don't know how to come out to someone who is a fundamentalist (I'm assuming your mom is one since evolution is apparently associated with atheism around your house).  Me coming out to my dad was him asking "do you still believe in that Jesus bullshit" and me saying no.  A 'friend' of mine outed me and my husband to my mom, my mom rambled on a bit about the seed of Christianity being planted and that I'd come back around; that was about it.  With my step mom I just came right out and said I was an atheist when the topic came up.

Honestly, I'm not sure if there is much of a point to making a point of outing yourself.  I had a ton of conversations about religion with my mom without being dishonest but also without saying I'm an athiest...the surprising thing is that she agreed with me on pretty much everything.  My plan was to slowly get her use to the idea of me not believing anymore (and partially deconvert her at the same time) then one day explaining what a atheist means at which point she would figure out that I am one; but my idiot friend opened her big mouth.

[gwyn428]

Nazzer

What would you say is the reason why you want to come out to your family?

It may be good to avoid coming out to your mother (I am sure she loves you very much), but if you have any siblings or anyone else who is intelligent and trustworthy, then coming out to them would probably be better.

[Nazzer]

Nazzer

What would you say is the reason why you want to come out to your family?

It may be good to avoid coming out to your mother (I am sure she loves you very much), but if you have any siblings or anyone else who is intelligent and trustworthy, then coming out to them would probably be better.

My main reason is that I hate lying. Pretending to pray, keeping my copy of The God Delusion out of sight, not being able to wear my "INFIDEL" shirt, these are all very uncomfortable things, but I have to do them to keep up this facade of apparent religiousness.

[curiosityandthecat]

Well, as Laetus said, I would just suck it up until you can go to college. And, for Pesci's sake, go out of state!  

[DennisK]

If you think your mom will react poorly, you might want to wait till you don't have to live in her house anymore.

I don't know how to come out to someone who is a fundamentalist (I'm assuming your mom is one since evolution is apparently associated with atheism around your house).  Me coming out to my dad was him asking "do you still believe in that Jesus bullshit" and me saying no.  A 'friend' of mine outed me and my husband to my mom, my mom rambled on a bit about the seed of Christianity being planted and that I'd come back around; that was about it.  With my step mom I just came right out and said I was an atheist when the topic came up.

Honestly, I'm not sure if there is much of a point to making a point of outing yourself.  I had a ton of conversations about religion with my mom without being dishonest but also without saying I'm an athiest...the surprising thing is that she agreed with me on pretty much everything.  My plan was to slowly get her use to the idea of me not believing anymore (and partially deconvert her at the same time) then one day explaining what a atheist means at which point she would figure out that I am one; but my idiot friend opened her big mouth.

I agree.  Is it that important to let your mother know.  What's wrong with her living an illusion you are still a devout christian?  She's already living partially in fantasy.  You don't have to lie to her, although I'm sure you realize you're not going to hell for lying.  Besides, if she finds out later you were lying, you can say you didn't want to hurt her.

[Asmodean]

I'm a terrible person, I know!  

[curiosityandthecat]

I'm a terrible person, I know!  

Dynamic duo, waaaaat!

[Asmodean]

One HAS to love that pic!

[VanReal]

All great advice.  Your non-belief is personal and there is no reason you need to share that with your mother, it will only hurt her if she indeed is a advid believer.  I visit my 92 year old grandmother often and there is no way I would worry her by telling her I am a heathen:)  (And I am in my 30s!!) I don't pretend to be religious or pray, I just go with the flow.  The good news is, if they are praying you can just sit there because they shouldn't be looking at you anyway.  You are the non-believer, so you aren't betraying anything by keeping the peace at home and keeping your Mom from worrying about your soul.  Believe me we don't really want to know everything about you, sometimes we want to keep our own images of our kiddos in our minds.  I like to think my 16 (almost 17) year old is still pure as the driven snow......ha!

[gwyn428]

Nazzer

What would you say is the reason why you want to come out to your family?

It may be good to avoid coming out to your mother (I am sure she loves you very much), but if you have any siblings or anyone else who is intelligent and trustworthy, then coming out to them would probably be better.

My main reason is that I hate lying. Pretending to pray, keeping my copy of The God Delusion out of sight, not being able to wear my "INFIDEL" shirt, these are all very uncomfortable things, but I have to do them to keep up this facade of apparent religiousness.

Well then, I'd say come out to her! I myself would never pretend to be a superstitious person.

[gwyn428]

Believe me we don't really want to know everything about you, sometimes we want to keep our own images of our kiddos in our minds.  I like to think my 16 (almost 17) year old is still pure as the driven snow......ha!

LOL!