Atheist Joke Dump

[Recusant]

It seems that many of these jokes are actually 'Christian.'  I suppose the only way to retaliate for some of them (old/Christian) is to reply in kind:

Q: What does "I.N.R.I." on Jesus's cross stand for?
A: "I'm Nailed Right In"

Ancient, and very poor, I know, but in 3rd/4th grade, it was considered very witty.  

Don't make me do this again!

[Recusant]

By way of apology:

  During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a rationalist skeptic.

     The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so."

"It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.

Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in Jesus Christ  the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost  who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward  thump! creak!  ...stopping just short of its mark once more.

"Another miracle!" sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.

Now it was the skeptic's turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the skeptic didn't hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.

"Oh, I see your problem," the skeptic said pointing. "You've got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!"

(Lifted from this page.)

[missorange08]

What's the shortest atheist joke?




God.



Not sure if that's like a 'classic,' but my friend told me that one and it cracked me up. Ahhhhh.

[Tanker]

A man is sent to hell. After he arrives he is very confused. He see tree and grass , clear rivers, and happy smilling people. A demon appears and introduces himself as his guide. "Wait" he says, "I thought this was hell?". "It is, but we try to keep things civilised, if people knew hell was this nice they wouldn't work twords heaven"and begins showing him around. He shown his beutifull modern apartment, the mall, but on the way to the park he see a lake of fire, with screaming people being tourted by other demons. "Wait I thought you said you keep it civilised why are those people being tourterd?" "Well there Catholic" he replies, "they seem to prefer it that way."

[Tanker]

A college class was told they had to write a short story in
as few words as possible. The instructions were that the
short story had to contain the following three things:

(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery

Below is the only A+ paper in the class.

“God, I’m pregnant! I wonder who the father is.”

[pedricero matao]

A lame one.

There's this convent where one day a nun got pregnant, so she went to talk with the mother superior and she told the nun, "don't worry, let's tell them you have some family issues that make you get out of the convent, then you have your baby and come back".
As time passed more nuns got pregnant, and got away with it using similar excuses.
Then one day mother superior gathered all the nuns together:
"I have to inform you that a brother of mine is seriously ill and i'll have to be away for a few months.
And If i find out who's the bastard who put sperm on the church candles i swear i'll kill him"

[G.ENIGMA]

[youtube:2hnrhiuf]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFrufPxjwX0[/youtube:2hnrhiuf]