Re: Uncle Mike

[hismikeness]

Currently, I have no less than 5 kids who refer to me as Uncle Mike. Only three of them are actual neices/nephews; the others are children of good friends. In the next few years, as more and more of them begin talking, that number will only grow. My older brother's kids are 7 and 5, my sister in-law has a 2 1/2 year old and a 10 month old (and are planning more), and my buddy has 2 boys, 4 and 2. Another friend has a 7 month old. All of them will be in the Uncle Mikedom, and that will be a good thing for them. 

My wife and I have been married nearly 8 years and have been intentionally trying to get pregnant for 6 of them. Both of us have had our "plumbing" checked and all has appeared ok. She tried some medicine called Clomid which supposedly guarantees ovulation, to no avail (except that the hormone imbalance caught her off guard the first time and she was nearly intolerably crazy- not just normal regular wife crazy  ). We even went so far as to have my semen sanitized and only the sperm injected- twice- again, nothing. To say the least it has been frustrating. It's even been theorized that that is why I'm an atheist, because I'm mad at God for not allowing me children.

Of course, that's bullshit. I've been an atheist longer than 6 years.

So I feel I need to embrace the role of Uncle Mike. I have a cool Uncle Mike myself. I think everyone should have one. I've thought a lot about not being a father and what that would be like. I feel like I have pearls of wisdom and "fatherly" type advice to pass on, and since I don't have kids of my own, I can pass it on to nieces/nephews. I certainly will not broach subjects outside my bounds and will keep my controversial views to myself as best I can, but there's ways to ask and answer questions that get kids to thinking critically about a subject, regardless of what that subject is.

I plan on taking these kids on cool trips- camping, to the lake, museums, Disneyland maybe- and giving their parents a "break" at some point. Maybe they could go on a trip of their own at the same time if it's planned right. Is that something that would be attractive to parents? At what age would you as parents feel comfortable letting your kids go on a trip with Uncle Mike? Each set of parents will be different, and I'll accept that, but I will let them know the offer is there.

I want to be memorable and relevant throughout their lives; and extra role model or adult from whom they can get advice. It seems everyone should have more of those in their life. I want to one day go to their weddings and meet their kids (as at this point I won't have grandkids either).

Without my own kids, I have to live vicariously through someone else's. That's a tough pill to swallow, but the more I think about it, the more ok with it I become. Does anyone have an uncle (or other relative) who was like this? Anyone in a similar situation themselves?

[Tank]

7+ is a good age to strike out into protected independence. In general kids are too dependent on parents prior to this and parents are in the hyper protective mode. 7 to puberty (when the rot sets in) are good years as the child is biddable (thus relatively safe in an unknown environment) but still wishes to extend their boundaries.

[OldGit]

Does anyone have an uncle (or other relative) who was like this?

Yes, my cousin and his wife.  She took it very badly indeed and was worse than unhappy.  But then they adopted two - now grown up - and they quickly settled down to a good family life.

That's a tough pill to swallow.

It certainly is for a long period.  My #1 daughter and husband thought it was happening to them, but then she conceived naturally.

[hismikeness]

It certainly is for a long period.  My #1 daughter and husband thought it was happening to them, but then she conceived naturally.

I'm glad for them. I'm sure it was a massive load off their mind. We will continue trying but only for a couple more years. We are in our early 30s, so there's still some time, I guess. I've definitely heard many stories from people about couples who tried for many more years than we have and eventually conceived.

We have eliminated adoption as an option, as well as implantation mainly due to the costs involved. We may, down the road, look in to foster parenting, as both of our previous lines of work involved working with troubled youth in a residential treatment facility, and many times foster kids have similar mental and developmental issues as those we used to work with.

[hismikeness]

7+ is a good age to strike out into protected independence. In general kids are too dependent on parents prior to this and parents are in the hyper protective mode. 7 to puberty (when the rot sets in) are good years as the child is biddable (thus relatively safe in an unknown environment) but still wishes to extend their boundaries.

That's kind of what I was thinking- 7 or 8. Of course, in the case of my niece and nephew, I would want to take both, so I may have to wait a few until they're 9 and 7 or maybe 10 and 8.

[Ali]

First of all, hugs to you and your wife.  Wanting kids and not being able to make it happen is a very hard thing indeed.  How maddening that people think that's why you're an atheist though.  I love it that religious types always assume that we atheists have daddy issues with god.   

Anyway, I did have an uncle like that.  My Uncle Chance is the coolest uncle ever (all of us "kids" in the family still regard Uncle Chance as the awesomest ever, even now that we're all grown.)  He and his wife wanted kids but it never happened, which is sad because they would have been great parents, but instead they just focused on enjoying their lives and being the coolest aunt and uncle ever.  I agree with Tank that 7 or so is probably a good age to start taking the kids for extended trips like camping, but even now I'm sure the parents will always appreciate a babysitter for the evening. 

By the way, if you are Cool Uncle Mike, the fun doesn't have to stop when the kids grow up.  My son got to meet my Cool Uncle Chance last summer when he came out for my brother's wedding, and they immediately bonded.  T still remembers Cool Uncle Chance, and they're planning to come out and visit again soon.   

[Siz]

Yeah, 7 or 8 sounds about right.

Everyone needs an Uncle Mike. It must be frustrating for you not being able to concieve, but you've got an important job to do. The lack of male role-models in most schools for young children means that boys, particularly, have little scope for talking to - and learning from - responsible men who are not their parents. Whereas girls find it easier to relate AND have a wide selection of (female) role-models, boys find it much harder to talk about personal issues AND often have minimal choice of (male) role-models. A safe and trusted Uncle Mike introduced into the educational mix is an essential sounding-board for children. Without a responsible non-parental male to admire, a boy will be left with little choice than to model behaviour on other, perhaps less desirable characters. This is how boys fall into gangs. It's even easier when there isn't a Father at home either. Gang members are more than twice as likely to have an absent (or disinterested) father.

My brother (and his wife) will never have children, by choice. I am glad because it means we have our very own Uncle 'Mike'. A very valuable resource!

[En_Route]

Having an adult to confide in and look up to can only have a positive influence on a child's development. It's not always the case  but the nature of the parent- child relationship makes it difficult for the latter to be completely open about their concerns or hopes. In instances where the quality of parenting is lacking in some departments, than this role can be even more valuablle. I had an emotionally abusive father but in my case an aunt who was very understanding and good to me who certainly helped redress the balance , at least to some degree.
So while I hope that you are pleasantly surprised on the child- bearing front ( and it does seem to happen  quite often that it's  precisely when people have written off their prospects that they hit the jackpot), I think your idea is a good 'un.

[hismikeness]

By the way, if you are Cool Uncle Mike, the fun doesn't have to stop when the kids grow up.  My son got to meet my Cool Uncle Chance last summer when he came out for my brother's wedding, and they immediately bonded.  T still remembers Cool Uncle Chance, and they're planning to come out and visit again soon.   

I had one grandparent aged uncle (actually my mom's uncle)- Uncle Helmut. He was a portly old German guy, never married, diabetic. Because of that, when he met any of my girlfriends and my wife he would always heavily flirt with them in a charming old man type of way. He would also provide with massive amounts of candy and sweets, because he couldn't have them himself. I have fond memories of Uncle Helmut.

[hismikeness]

The lack of male role-models in most schools for young children means that boys, particularly, have little scope for talking to - and learning from - responsible men who are not their parents.

I am also involved in coaching track and football, albeit at the high school level. My wife is a 6th grade teacher, and has tried talking me in to coaching at the middle school instead, but ultimately I coach because I like the particular sports, and the strategies involved, not necessarily because I want to be a positive role model. However, to me, those both go hand in hand, and it makes me sick when they don't. Middle school sports don't provide enough coaching strategy in game because it's almost entirely development of skills.

[hismikeness]

So while I hope that you are pleasantly surprised on the child- bearing front ( and it does seem to happen  quite often that it's  precisely when people have written off their prospects that they hit the jackpot), I think your idea is a good 'un.

We tried the quit trying technique, where you just don't plan with cycles and stress and all the other parts. We'd been given the same advice- just let what will be happen. Of course there's no other option that what will be happening, but that's beside the point. Anyway, thanks for the kind words, E_R!

[Asmodean]

Hmm... Didn't have an uncle like that, with or without the quotation marks, nor do I intend to ever become one. Kids are, after all... Well, I doubt there is a need to restate my opinion on that matter.

[DeterminedJuliet]

You sound like a great uncle
We have some really close friends who don't have kids and they love our little guy. It's great to see him build bonds with other adults and I've always encouraged people to spend time with our rugrat if they want to. We're not planning on having any more children, so I feel like an extended kinship will be extra important to him as he gets older.

As for the age thing, I'm pretty relaxed about wee man spending time away from us and he never seems that bothered about it either. (The first day he went to daycare, he was like "cool! later, Mom and Dad!" and never looked back.) So,  I'd probably let someone (trusted) take him for the weekend now, at the age of two, if they wanted to.   He was having sleepovers with his grandparents when he was a couple months old.

[OldGit]

Yes, out little grandmonkey stays over with us a lot, and always has.  He's just as happy either way.