A friend of mine vs his parents.

Infraclear · May 18, 2012, 03:53:40 AM

This year and last, a friend of mine has decided that he doesn't believe in god. Kudos to him and from this point on, I'll give him the fake name "Gabe". Gabe's parents are his big obstacle here though. They go to church three to four times a week, and really pressure the poor guy into getting baptized, but he's just not interested, and can't tell them for fear of punishment or having to go to church even more.

I wonder though, if he doesn't believe because of himself and his ideals, or because he's just sick of going to church. Should I encourage him to tell them, or for him to ride it out until he moves out? Should I address my concern about the reason for his shift in ideology? Any good stories similar to this one?

Velma · May 18, 2012, 04:00:06 AM

In most situations like this, it's better for the child just to ride it out. Sadly dogma can trump parental responsibility for some people and they could use this as an excuse to 'lock-down' his life.

Tank · May 18, 2012, 02:29:28 PM

Quote from: Velma on May 18, 2012, 04:00:06 AM
In most situations like this, it's better for the child just to ride it out. Sadly dogma can trump parental responsibility for some people and they could use this as an excuse to 'lock-down' his life.

Velma gives good advise.

OldGit · May 18, 2012, 03:09:50 PM

^ I agree.

DeterminedJuliet · May 18, 2012, 03:13:32 PM

Yeah, I kind of agree with everyone else. How old is your friend?
I remember reading a letter that someone wrote in to Dan Savage - it was a gay teen with really bigoted/religious parents. His advice was really similar, when you're a minor, there's a legal power dynamic that you really can't fight (yet).

Asmodean · May 18, 2012, 03:16:21 PM

I agree, assuming your friend is a kid or is otherwise not ready to stand alone if he has to.

If he can stand alone, however, my advise is to take the chance and confront them now rather than wait until later.

EDIT: Another assumption is that the theatre of this particular problem is the US. We are pretty much back at advise two if in the civilised world

Anti-antidisestablishmentarianism · May 18, 2012, 05:27:32 PM

I would say wait it out. As long as you are under 18 your parents are in control for the most part.

ThinkAnarchy · May 18, 2012, 07:31:24 PM

I have to agree with everyone else. If your friend is still too young to provide for himself, it's best to just keep it to himself until he is able to move out.

Ali · May 18, 2012, 08:05:45 PM

I would like to hear more about the situation before I make a final weigh in. The reason for this is, in general I agree with the concensus that riding it out is probably the best course if your friend is not yet of age, but with the caveat that I think that some situations are so toxic as to potentially be damaging (the example I was thinking of was a gay teen hearing 3-4x a week from his parents and peers that homosexuals are "sinners" et cetera.) If I had to go to church 3x a week, it would be an annoyance, but no more than that because I am too old and cynical to be vulnerable to the mumbo jumbo. This may not be the case for your friend, depending on the situation and his temperment, and if it is damaging, I would advise that he tell someone. Tell his parents, tell his guidance councelor, et cetera, before those messages get too deeply internalized.

As for confronting his friend about "why" he has embraced atheism....meh....honestly. If he's the age I'm picturing (high school) then trying on different hats and identities, including a bit of rebellion, is an entirely appropriate developmental task. Leave him to it. If he's older, one hopes that he is no longer so under the thumb of his parents that he feels a need to rebel for rebellion's sake. If he does, that's all the more reason for him to try to find a way to move out.

Sweetdeath · May 18, 2012, 11:25:04 PM

Well, even if he isn't 18, they cant force him to go to church; only school.

Hopefully he is old enough. For now, all you can do is talk to him via txt or email. Give him your opinions, but try not to pressure him yourself, or you'd be as bad as his parents.

Good luck with everything.

Crow · May 19, 2012, 02:04:13 AM

They should do whatever feels right to them. Sometimes taking the path of least resistance is the easiest option even if it goes against your/their ideology, with some people its best to let them think they are in control. After all a baptism is only a bit of nonsense and water.

Asmodean · May 19, 2012, 09:18:45 AM

Well, personally, I'd nearly go to war over baptism. But then, even as a 15-16 year old, I was able to live with quite a bit of scorched earth.

It comes down to the personalities of those involved, this particular friend's priorities and what happenes in the worst and the best case.

kitty · May 19, 2012, 10:37:32 AM

as someone in her thirties and still afraid of telling her parents (lol i know!), i would just try to be there for him whenever he needs you as a friend. i wouldn't try to push him into telling them if he's not ready, as everyone else has said. his time will come. i do hope that all their nonsense doesnt get too inbedded in him before then.
all the best x

Asmodean · May 19, 2012, 12:28:13 PM

Quote from: kitty on May 19, 2012, 10:37:32 AM
as someone in her thirties and still afraid of telling her parents (lol i know!)

Why? Are you trying to protect them, yourself or both? Or are you just afraid of a good confrontation?

OldGit · May 19, 2012, 01:34:26 PM

Quote from: AsmoIt comes down to the personalities of those involved, this particular friend's priorities and what happenes in the worst and the best case.

Exactly. And ...

Quote from: TolkienAdvice is a dangerous gift, even from the wise to the wise, and all courses may run ill.

News:

A friend of mine vs his parents.