Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Essie Mae]

Yeah, 9 is one of those you know you shouldn't, but you can't help it.

[Dave]

Yeah, 9 is one of those you know you shouldn't, but you can't help it.

Yes, a bit like, "I want to die gently, just like falling asleep as my grandad did, not screaming in fear like the passengers in his car."

[Essie Mae]

Yeah, 9 is one of those you know you shouldn't, but you can't help it.

Yes, a bit like, "I want to die gently, just like falling asleep as my grandad did, not screaming in fear like the passengers in his car."

Indeed 😉

This was doing the rounds on FB today.
To his extreme annoyance, the doctors' receptionist asked the patient his reason for wanting a consultation. 'I don't want to say in front of everyone' he said. 'You have to give a reason,' she said so he reluctantly replaced, 'It's my dick'  Then she told him off for saying something to cause her and those waiting embarrassment. 'You should have said something like 'my ear'.' The man left and returned a few minutes later.
Then receptionist gave a self-satisfied smirk when the man obeyed her command and said he wanted to see a doctor about his ear. 'And what's wrong with your ear?' she asked. The whole place was in uproar when he replied, 'I can't piss with it.'

[Icarus]

I love Essie Mae... I do hope that Mr. M does not object.   That a sophisticated British lady such as Mrs M, could have the abandon to relate such a joke ^ makes me happy. We Yanks often presume that the Brits are insufferably stuffy. Not so for our Brit HAFers.

[Dave]

I love Essie Mae... I do hope that Mr. M does not object.   That a sophisticated British lady such as Mrs M, could have the abandon to relate such a joke ^ makes me happy. We Yanks often presume that the Brits are insufferably stuffy. Not so for our Brit HAFers.

Yes, all us Brits are insufferably stuffy and superior, just like all you Yanks are arrogant in-your-face loudmouths! 

[Icarus]

^ Not all of us Glous. Some of us are actually rather genteel and polite  You must be thinking of the behavior of our president.  It is a shameful truth that there is a substantial contingent of Americans who are total assholes. Just as you say, boorish, arrogant, boisterous, and ignorant. Our president is a prime example but not of the actual mainstream.

I do sincerely wish to disabuse you and other British or European  individuals of the notion that all of us share those egregious characteristics.  In fact the majority of us are pleasingly civilized. We even have art museums, libraries, Symphony orchestras, prestigious colleges, and outstanding modern architecture.  We have performing arts schools, newspapers, and indoor toilets as well. We are not all feeble minded hillbillies, the ones that the news services see fit to describe when there is a disturbance....such as the recent Charlottesville episode.  Those are the exceptions. we do have  a plethora of organizations, and civic entities who are dedicated to the common good and compassion along with  support of those most in need.

We are a huge nation with more than 320 million citizens. There is a wide diaspora of types and attitudes, some of them not commendable but overall we are a civilized bunch who actually do care about one another and we do obey the rules of a functional society.

When I said that our general perception of the British is that they are stuffy, it was a poor attempt at humor. We sometimes regard the Brits as those most like the characters in the popular series; Downton Abbey. and similar plays that emphasize the essentials of proper behavior.  Besides, we have other HAF threads that explore the different interpretations of words in the English language as opposed to the same word meaning in the American vernacular. Stuffy is not a derisive word. It might even be a complimentary word.

[Dave]

Not all of us Glous. Some of us are actually rather genteel and polite

That was entirely my point, Icarus, we tend to think stereotypes include the whole nation - just because the extremotypes stand out from the quite and friendly norm. Media civerage and films, of course, are not really interested in Joe Q Normal, they want Tarquin P. Posh or Basher X. Cojones.

(Damn, thought I had coined a neologism with "extremotypes" - not quite again!)

[Dave]

Reflecting on this "image" problem it is not just the media preference for loud and violent people. You mentioned your president as an example, at his rallies he attracted the very kind of people others imagjne typify Americans and, if course, the media gave it plenty of exposure. However, to the more phlegmatic British viewpoint (perhaps almost a European viewpoint if you exclude those terribly exitable Italians ) even the Democratic rallies are noisy and brash - didn't hear a single polite "hear, bear" the whole time, just whoops, shouts and whistles... Unfortunately we seem to be importing this behaviour.

I recognised your tounge in cheek humour and my reply was intended in the same way. But this is an interesting aspect of tge difference of national character and perspective. For America, being almost a federation of seperate, semi-autonomous, countries rather than states, there is going to be a wide spread of character and viewpoint over the whole nation. Even li'l ol' Britain varies wildy in its socual and political values from top to toe, but has a certain unity of spirit. America posesses a national identity when push comes to shove from external forces (mostly) but internally is there any consensus definition of what American values really comprise of, in detail? "Values" are held as being important, so long as it's "my" perception of those values and no-one elses.

Individualism seems to be held dear over there as well, hence the proliferation of home work-shops, pick-up trucks, private power systems, personal armouries (compared to most other similarly developed coubtries) and I recognise that those living in remote areas need self-reliance, as do, ssy, Australians and some Canadians as comparative nations). Part of that (now mostly outdated) pioneer, go-it-alone past? This forum is quite gentle, go look at "The Thinking Atheist" for an example of violent debates and attitudes (and blinkered perception) that exemplify the above. But, there are some nice guys there as well. That that forum has many more active members than HAF might also be significant.

Dammit all, you guys could almost be British in comparison! 

[Dark Lightning]

This place is a lot more polite than TTA. I'm taking a break from that place because of what Gloucester mentioned. I can only watch so much vitriol dispensed before I burn out, just from seeing it, even when it isn't directed at me.

BoT, here's a joke-

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the guy who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year—that these windows would pay for themselves in a year—-

It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

[Arturo]

I like it lol

[Essie Mae]

I love Essie Mae... I do hope that Mr. M does not object.   That a sophisticated British lady such as Mrs M, could have the abandon to relate such a joke ^ makes me happy. We Yanks often presume that the Brits are insufferably stuffy. Not so for our Brit HAFers.

Mr M saw through me straight away!

[Essie Mae]

^ Not all of us Glous. Some of us are actually rather genteel and polite.

I do sincerely wish to disabuse you and other British or European  individuals of the notion that all of us share those egregious characteristics.  In fact the majority of us are pleasingly civilized. We even have art museums, libraries, Symphony orchestras, prestigious colleges, and outstanding modern architecture.  We have performing arts schools, newspapers, and indoor toilets as well. We are not all feeble minded hillbillies, the ones that the news services see fit to describe when there is a disturbance....such as the recent Charlottesville episode.  Those are the exceptions. we do have  a plethora of organizations, and civic entities who are dedicated to the common good and compassion along with  support of those most in need.

I speak for most Brits here I think when I say that we don't doubt any of the above and you're right that the media choose to emphasise the dark side. That said, maybe because I read too much Patheos, as well as the mainstream news, we don't seem to see anything about the people who are left-leaning or even centrist. It is giving the wrong kind People in this country the wrong idea about yours. Where are the Democrats?

[Arturo]

America has been republican majority for most of it's history. There was even a time when republican presidents were voted in back to back.

[jumbojak]

Chuck Norris walked into a Burger King and ordered a Big Mac. They made him one...

[No one]

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

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