Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Tank]

[Tank]

[Biggus Dickus]

The Pope and Trump meet together onstage at Yankee Stadium before a sold out crowd, so many people in fact that the infield is packed.
The Pope leans in towards the smiling, dopey and smug Trump and says', "Do you know with only one little wave of my hand I can make every single person in this crowd go wild with joy? A joy so deep it will delve deep into their hearts forever, and they and the entire world will forever speak of this one day with awe?"

Trump sarcastically, and in a mimicking tone say's, "Please, with one wave of your little hand you think all of that will happen? I seriously doubt it, go on little man, show me...".

So the Pope reaches back and backhands Trump across the face so hard he falls off the stage, and the crowd roars and cheers wildly and there was joy adn happiness throughout the land!

[Tom62]

^that reminds me of this very old joke:

Putin and Trump are flying in a plane over Russia.
Putin:   "You know Donald, If I would  throw a 10 rouble bill out of this plane, I would make a whole family happy".
Trump: "That is nothing,Vladimir!  If I would throw a 10 dollar  bill out of this plane, it would make a whole village happy".
Pilot: "Well gentlemen, if I would crash the plane, it would make the whole,world happy!".

[Icarus]

Ancient Greek goes to the tailor to have his trousers mended.
Tailor: Euripedes?
Greek: Eumenides?

[Dave]

 ^

[Dave]

Why did the student of Eastern philosophies refuse a local anasthetic at the dentist?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

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[xSilverPhinx]

[xSilverPhinx]

[Biggus Dickus]

This isn't really a joke, but I was browsing through my local newspaper today during lunch and came across this little advise tidbit that I feel must be shared for the sake of everyone's continued safety.

Dear Miss Manners: What would Miss Manners advise people do if a tornado warning were to be announced during a wedding/party/etc.?

Gentle Reader: Seek shelter.

[Icarus]

^ Miss manners provides wise council in this case.

[Essie Mae]

Why did the student of Eastern philosophies refuse a local anasthetic at the dentist?

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

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That's truly dreadful, but I love it.

[hermes2015]

For all the straight atheists in this forum:

Heterosexual Questionnaire
1.   What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
2.   When and how did you first decide you were heterosexual?
3.   To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?
4.   Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a passing phase?
5.   Is it possible your heterosexuality stems from the neurotic fear of others of the same sex?
6.   If you've never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?
7.   Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?
8.   Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can't you just be what you are and keep quiet?
9.   A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?
10.   Despite all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiralling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?
11.   Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they might face?
12.   Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?
13.   Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?
14.   How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality, and fail to develop your natural homosexual potential?
15.   There seem to be few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?

[Mr. B]

For all the straight atheists in this forum:

Heterosexual Questionnaire
1.   What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

I can't help it. I was just born this way.

2.   When and how did you first decide you were heterosexual?

It wasn't a decision I made. I can't help that I am attracted to women.

3.   To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

It's not something I normally talk about, especially to strangers. I don't introduce myself as being heterosexual. But, of the people who do know that I am heterosexual most of them seem to be pretty okay with it. Most people don't treat me any differently.

4.   Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a passing phase?

Probably not at this point. I've felt this way for over 40 years.

5.   Is it possible your heterosexuality stems from the neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

I guess anything is possible but I don't feel any fear of others of the same sex. I have had several really intense close relationships with members of the same sex, I just never felt a desire to actually engage sexually with any of my good samesex friends.

6.   If you've never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?

Again, anything is possible but I have never felt the desire to do such a thing. I am happy just the way I am.

7.   Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?

Don't know. I don't feel compelled but I can't speak for others.

8.   Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can't you just be what you are and keep quiet?

Like I said before. My sexuality is not something I tend to bring up in conversation. I don't get in peoples faces about it. I don't advertise it or broadcast it to the world. It just is what it is and if someone wants to know, then I tell them.

9.   A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?

That is a serious concern that I have. I have three daughters, all in school. I worry about that shit. But for the most part I think it's okay but I don't really have much choice in the matter either. My children are required by law to be exposed to teachers...unless I want to home school them but I would be doing my children a disservice if I chose that route. I'm smart enough to understand the limits of my intelligence.

10.   Despite all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiralling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

I don't think I am qualified to give an educated answer to that question. Divorce happens for a lot of reasons.

11.   Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they might face?

I want my children to be happy and I want them to be able to make their own choices. I try to teach them the importance of learning from their mistakes and the importance of respecting themselves and others. So, if they choose to get married I'll support them as best I can. If they do not chose to get married I will still support them, it doesn't matter to me if they happen to be gay or straight.

12.   Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

They are human. I think most humans place too much emphasis on sex.

13.   Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

Social engineering and eugenics.

14.   How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality, and fail to develop your natural homosexual potential?

Not sure how to respond to that. Should I ask a lesbian to let me stick my dick in her in order to make her a whole person?

15.   There seem to be few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?

Nope. Because sex isn't a central theme to my identity and sex does not effect my happiness level or self esteem. Why is this in a joke thread?

[xSilverPhinx]