Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Dave]

I've just read a hook on gastronomy and discovered that I was born under the sign of the turnip

[joeactor]

I've just read a hook on gastronomy and discovered that I was born under the sign of the turnip

Found your picture:

[Dave]

The vicar thought he might visit Mrs Smith, at 98 his oldest parishioner.

After Mrs Smith had made them tea the vicar posed a delicate question, "Mrs Smith, do you ever think about the hereafter?"

"Oh, yes, vicar, almost every day."

The vicar is now worried that Mrs Smith is getting maudlin.

"Under what circumstances do you think about it?"

"When I gets to the top of the stairs, takes me a time to climb them yer know, then I thinks to meself, 'Now, what am I here after?' "

[Icarus]

More about the hereafter..............................

A young man and young woman arrive at a hotel.
She is a Christian.  She asks him if he believes in the hereafter.
He says: If you are not here after the same thing I am here after then you are going to be here after I am long gone.

[Dave]

With acknowlegement to TT at Think Humanism

Barack Obama, David Cameron, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.

Next Obama calls the USA and talks for 30 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that cost is 6 million dollars, so Obama writes him a cheque.

Finally Cameron gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the UK anytime.

When Putin & Obama hear this they go ballistic and ask the devil why Cameron got to call the UK free. The devil replied, "With the combination of the Brexit vote and Labour reneging on its constitutional duty to be a viable opposition, the country has gone to hell in a handcart, so it's a local call."

[Dave]

Hey! They are making a punk spoof retro-remake of that classic film "Grease"

This is "Gross", starring John Revolting and Olivia Neutered-Tom

[Dave]

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists.

The new element, tentatively named Administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons, which means that it has an atomic number 0 and falls outside the natural table of elements. However, it has been found to have a single Higgs, 25 Personal Assistants to the Higgs, 75 Vice-Higgs and 111 Assistant Vice-Higgs. These 212 particles are held together by a force involving the continuous exchange of meson-like ideas, called memos, and muon like instructions called emails.

Because it has no protons or electrons, Administratium is inert. Nonetheless, it can be detected in that it seems to cause agitation in all the other elements. A small amount of Administratium can propagate a single event that can reverberate around the entire universe for many years. There may be occasional weak interaction with theoretical particles that are difficult to define or quantify, temporarily called consultants.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years. It does not actually decay, rather it undergoes a reorganisation in which the Vice Higgs, and certain assistants to the Vice-Higgs exchange places; some Vice-Higgs may even be emitted. Some studies have indicated that its mass actually increases after each reorganization, despite the emission of Vice-Higgs, although this is yet to be explained. Another phenomenon which has been observed, as expected from the mechanics of minute particles, is that the more one tries to pin down the positions of Vice Higgs within the structure of Administratium, the more uncertain those positions become. This is known as the Responsibility Uncertainty Principle.

Within a short time of the discovery being announced, the existence of the element was confirmed in laboratories around the world. In addition, a team at the University of Utter told a press conference they had been able to create Administratium in fusion experiments conducted at room temperature. Using highly sophisticated probability detectors, the team had detected a stream of memos from a fax-mounted device. Dr May Bee and her associate, Dr Noah Chance, said the details of their experiment were being kept confidential, pending further development of the data. But, they claimed, there were definitely more memos out of the device than went in!

[Arturo]

http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/f4/33/bb/f433bb295325ef3d22ce7f762aa0ef22.jpg

[Dave]

[Dave]

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

[Dave]

[Magdalena]

Oh, boy! 
This joke makes me wanna go drink and smoke, and do all kinds of things that are bad for me...Right now...while I can.   

[Arturo]

Oh, boy! 
This joke makes me wanna go drink and smoke, and do all kinds of things that are bad for me...Right now...while I can.   

I plan to get really bad body aches from wearing away my cartilage with weight lifting. Then I can get all the pain killers, which is my preferred drug of choice, preferably.

[Dave]

Having mentioned WD40 and duct tape elsewhere . . .

[xSilverPhinx]