Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Dave]

THE PLAN

IN THE BEGINNING WAS THE PLAN
AND WITH THE PLAN WERE THE ASSUMPTIONS
AND THE ASSUMPTIONS WERE WITHOUT FORM
AND THE PLAN WAS COMPLETELY WITHOUT RATIONALITY.

AND DARKNESS WAS UPON THE FACE OF THE WORKERS
AND THEY SPOKE AMONGST THEMSELVES, SAYING:
"IT IS A CROCK OF SHIT AND IT STINKETH!"

AND THE WORKERS WENT UNTO THEIR SUPERVISORS AND SAYETH:
"IT IS A BUCKET OF DUNG AND NONE CAN ABIDE THE ODOR THEREOF!"

AND THE SUPERVISORS WENT UNTO THEIR LINE MANAGERS AND SAYETH UNTO THEM:
"IT IS A CONTAINER OF EXCREMENT. IT IS VERY STRONG, SUCH THAT NONE CAN APPROACH IT."

AND THE MANAGERS WENT UNTO THE DIRECTORS AND SPOKE THUSLY:
"IT IS A VESSEL OF FERTILIZER AND NOTHING CAN EQUAL ITS STRENGTH."

AND THE DIRECTORS SPOKE AMONGST THEMSELVES, DECIDING UPON,
"IT CONTAINS THAT WHICH AIDS GROWTH AND IS VERY POWERFUL."

AND THE DIRECTORS WENT UNTO THE VICE PRESIDENTS AND SAYETH UNTO THEM,
"IT PROMOTETH GROWTH AND FRUITFULNESS AND IS VERY POTENT."

AND THE VICE. PRESIDENTS WENT UNTO THE PRESIDENT AND SAYETH UNTO HIM,
"THIS NEW PLAN WILL ACTIVELY PROMOTE GROWTH AND .EFFICIENCY OF THIS COMPANY."

THUS THE PRESIDENT LOOKED UPON THE PLAN
AND SAW THAT IT WAS GOOD
AND THE PLAN BECAME THE POLICY.

THE WORKERS, HAVING HAD THEIR WORDS OF WISDOM PERVERTED,
WERE WELL AND TRULY SHIT UPON FOR EVER AFTER.

[Tank]

^^^ SO TRUE!!!

[Dave]

A man barges in through the pharmacy door, coughing constantly, slaps a fiver on tbe counter and says, "Give, cough, me, cough, a, cough, bottle, cough, of, cough, cough, cough mixture."

The pharmacist replies, "Mr Smith, this is the third week, we have tried every remedy, it is past time for you to see the doctor,"

"Bugger, cough, that, just give me the, coughing, bottle!"

"OK," says the pharmacist, shrugging andreaching behind him for a bottle off the shelf. Mr Smith does not even look at the lable, opens it and drinks half as he walks out of the shop.

The assistant looks at his boss in horror, "That wasn't a cough remedy, that was Superprune, our strongest laxative!"

"Yup," says the pharmacist,

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

............

Along with this goes the sage advice:
"If you are over 60 never trust a fart . . . and cough gently."

[joeactor]

Good one!
(with hidden punchline!)

[Magdalena]

Good one!
(with hidden punchline!)

Yes, I also noticed that! Loved it! 

[Dave]

At an ecumenical feast a smug, newly qualified, RC priest was sat next to a young Rabbi, at one of the lowest tables.

The waiter brought round a selection of cold meats and the priest took a helping of good Parma ham. With a smirk he turned to the rabbi and said, 'Í understand you are not allowed to eat any meat of the pig?''

''This is so'' replied the rabbi. The priest pursued the subject.

''Tell me, in your younger, er, rasher days did you not question this doctrine - maybe try a little pig meat?''

''Oi vey!'' said the rabbi, ''Whilst at a college in America I had too much to drink and ate a bacon sandwhich!''

''Was it nice?'' with an evil grin.

'Ýes, I have to admit . . .''

Well, the rabbi is not going to let him get away with this! A bit later he turns to the priest and asked, ''I understand you are not allowed carnal knowledge of woman.''

'Ýes,'' says the priest, ''it is sacred sacrifice we make.''

''Well,'' says the rabbi, ''as a student did you ever fall foul of carnal desire or womanly wiles?''

''Ave Maria! Yes, I did, there was this serving maid . . .''

''Hmm, '' says the rabbi, ''much nicer than bacon isn't it?''

[Dave]

The (mis)use of a certain old Dutch word to mean "beyond repair" reminded me of a genuine story.

In my last job they made instruments that had to undergo rigorous testing before passing quality control. Inevitably a percentage failed and were identified with a plain red lable before going for analysis.

Some wag had some labels printed:

Failed
Under
Conditions of
Test

The boss disallowed them.

[Tank]

Spoil sport.

I used to work at a company which has a name starting with 'F'. We did have a FART report

[Tank]

[Tank]

[Dave]

In the Midwestern town the horse (and only) doctor looked up as the medicine man from the local tribe came in.

"Trouble," he said, "heap big chief no shit, my medicine no work."

"OK," says the doc, "let's try some syrup of figs first," and got a bottle from the shelf. "Come back in three days if it does not work."

Three days later, "Heap big chief still no shit."

"Well," says the doc, "let's try concentrated prune juice, come back tomorrow if no change."

Next day, "Still heap big chief no shit."

"Last chance, here's what we give constipated horses," as he hands over a marble sized pill. "Come gack tomorrow."

The following noon in comes the medicine man again, "New problem . . .

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

[Bad Penny II]

Apparently some kids found some crystal meth in a Kinda Surprise capsule, I saw this guy on a comedy show.

[Tank]

Tom Hiddleston stroking a pussy.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

[Ecurb Noselrub]

Tom Hiddleston stroking a pussy.

Sorry but you are not allowed to view spoiler contents.

And I was hoping to see Taylor Swift.

[MariaEvri]

Apparently some kids found some crystal meth in a Kinda Surprise capsule, I saw this guy on a comedy show.

why is it that I only find crappy toys in my kinder??