Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[OldGit]

A Sign From The Heavens

[Icarus]

^  Bwaa ha ha!  Way to go OG.  I'm going to have to get out my telescope to look for that constellation.

[xSilverPhinx]

LOL OG. Makes perfect sense.

Test question:

[OldGit]

^ WTF ? 

[Tank]

[Tank]

[OldGit]

Australian Telephone Helpline Operator: "G'day mate .. Helpline here ... What's the problem?"   

Customer:  "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"

Australian Telephone Helpline Operator: "Bummer!"

Customer: "Great advice! Thanks mate, bye."

[Icarus]

^ Zounds Git, that's a goodun.

[Tank]

An old tired-looking dog wanders into a guy's yard. He examines the dog's collar and feels his well-fed belly and knows the dog has a home.
The dog follows him into the house, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep. The man thinks its rather odd, but lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
The next day the dog comes back and scratches at the door. The guy opens the door, the dog comes in, goes down the hall, jumps on the couch, gets comfortable and falls asleep again. The man lets him sleep. After about an hour the dog wakes up, walks to the door and the guy lets him out. The dog wags his tale and leaves.
This goes on for days. The guy grows really curious, so he pins a note on the dog's collar: "Your dog has been taking a nap at my house every day."
The next day the dog arrives with another note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?

[Essie Mae]

Australian Telephone Helpline Operator: "G'day mate .. Helpline here ... What's the problem?"   

Customer:  "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"

Australian Telephone Helpline Operator: "Bummer!"

Customer: "Great advice! Thanks mate, bye."

I can only echo Dick Emery for that one OG: "Oooh you are awful, but I like you"

[Tank]

[Tank]

[joeactor]

Fwog him Centuwian!

[xSilverPhinx]

21 Hilariously Blasphemous Tweets About God

[Icarus]

After that one xSp, my jokes are too tame.   I like the centipede and snake one best.


My enfeebled effort:

Q: How do you know a politician is telling lies?
A: his lips are moving.