Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Eric V Arachnid]

This showed up on my FB credited to John Cleese, which I don't entirely doubt, but also it's FB:

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

I think "Crikey! I wonder in what benighted region our foreign masters will want us to be killing this time." would be more appropriate.

[Biggus Dickus]

A Honduran magician tells the audience that he will make himself disappear on the count of 3.

He says,"Uno, dos..."and poof he disappears without a tres.

Without a tres mi amigos.

[Biggus Dickus]

A Honduran magician tells the audience that he will make himself disappear on the count of 3.

He says,"Uno, dos..."and poof he disappears without a tres.

Without a tres mi amigos.

I can't believe none of you humorless fucks replied to my joke above, because that was some funny ass-shit.

Such a dour bunch here...too many Brits.

[Firebird]

I did, but it was lost when HAF crashed. In fact, so many of us started laughing and commenting about it at the same that it crashed the forum for weeks. So there you go. All your fault. Thanks a lot Bruno.

[Magdalena]

I can't believe none of you humorless fucks replied to my joke above, because that was some funny ass-shit.

^^^
This is funnier than your joke.   

[OldGit]

You cannot have too many Brits.

[Essie Mae]

I'm bloody offended Bruno de la Pole and I'm telling the queen of you. You'll be lucky to get thrown in the Tower, but I think she'll have you hung, drawn and quartered; that will be my recommendation, especially now we know it was you who caused the Crash of '15.

[Guardian85]

Mat's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years." "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

[xSilverPhinx]

I don't know if this has been posted before, but anyways here goes:

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob.  I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you.  I can't get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen gain.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn auto correct.  I meant "wi fi", not "wife".

[xSilverPhinx]

Funny video: Alien Song - I Will Survive

[Biggus Dickus]

Funny video: Alien Song - I Will Survive

Good video^^...I sent that to my niece who thought it was super funny, earned me some valuable Uncle points it did, thanks!

All this talk about me causing the forum crash because of my awesome, funny joke, although possible seeing how funny the joke was is not plausible seeing how I posted it after the crash recovery so good try.

Did you folks here about teh global moderator who was sooooo boring the other mods noticed?

[xSilverPhinx]

Funny video: Alien Song - I Will Survive

Good video^^...I sent that to my niece who thought it was super funny, earned me some valuable Uncle points it did, thanks!

Did you folks here about teh global moderator who was sooooo boring the other mods noticed?

Do tell us.

[Biggus Dickus]

Funny video: Alien Song - I Will Survive

Good video^^...I sent that to my niece who thought it was super funny, earned me some valuable Uncle points it did, thanks!

Did you folks here about teh global moderator who was sooooo boring the other mods noticed?

Do tell us.

I was just asking a question...anyway I'm not saying anything more as I may end up getting banned for all eternity.

[xSilverPhinx]

Funny video: Alien Song - I Will Survive

Good video^^...I sent that to my niece who thought it was super funny, earned me some valuable Uncle points it did, thanks!

Did you folks here about teh global moderator who was sooooo boring the other mods noticed?

Do tell us.

I was just asking a question...anyway I'm not saying anything more as I may end up getting banned for all eternity.

??? I was hoping that was the prelude to a good joke but oh well...

I would try to think up a "how many moderators does it take to change a lightbulb" joke but I'm really not good at making them.  Heh.

[Biggus Dickus]

Funny video: Alien Song - I Will Survive

Good video^^...I sent that to my niece who thought it was super funny, earned me some valuable Uncle points it did, thanks!

Did you folks here about teh global moderator who was sooooo boring the other mods noticed?

Do tell us.

I was just asking a question...anyway I'm not saying anything more as I may end up getting banned for all eternity.

??? I was hoping that was the prelude to a good joke but oh well...

I would try to think up a "how many moderators does it take to change a lightbulb" joke but I'm really not good at making them.  Heh.

Actually that is the joke XSilver

How the mod is even more boring than mods generally are, so the other mods actually noticed it, cuz' mods are such boring folk...(That's what Davin told me, definitely not my own personal opinion of mods)

Anyway reminds me of this joke I told a friend of mine who is an accountant.

A woman is at the doctor when he informs her that she has a terminal illness and at best 6 months to live. She asks the doctor if there is anything at all she could possibly do to extend her life, and the doctor replies, "Sadly there isn't, but as I know you are single person I would go out an marry the first account you meet".

"Why should I do that, she said, will that make me live longer"?

"No, it won't make you live longer", says the doctor, "but the six months you are married to the accountant will feel much longer".