Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Biggus Dickus]

That's very good PC, very good.

We should come up with some for America.

Hows about:

From "War" to "All Out War", to "Armageddon"?

What about:
From "Business as usual" to "Business as usual", to "Business as usual"?

I think you nailed it Tom, perfect, ...which is sad.

[Pasta Chick]

That's very good PC, very good.

We should come up with some for America.

Hows about:

From "War" to "All Out War", to "Armageddon"?

"Business as usual" to "Election coming up" to "Hey! There are brown people doing stuff over there!" To "Shit, we're low on oil again!"

[Pasta Chick]

...I realized I forgot the "prove our nuclear dick is bigger than Russia" level.

[joeactor]

How times have changed, (for the better).  Finally getting round to sorting out my father's papers, and found this joke he got my mum to tell at a Ladies' Night he organised for the company he worked for. 

Before they're wed, she sinks into his arms; afterwards she's up to her arms in the sink!

Funny... reminded me of this one:

"They say a man's not complete until he's married... then he's finished!"

[Guardian85]

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.  He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degrees west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm commanding a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse, mate. Your call."

[Claireliontamer]

This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

Do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my pension book.

It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.

It is on my National Health card.

My driving licence.

My car insurance.

On the last eight damn passports I've had.

It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.

All those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?

Look at my damn picture.

Do I look like Bin Laden?

I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.

You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)

Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?

Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...

I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..

WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!

[Icarus]

Whoooeee Claire is on a rant. I say give 'em hell girl. 

If it is any consolation, we have some of that same bullshit here in the US.

Why would it cost 30 pounds for a duplicate birth certificate?  That seems excessive.

[Essie Mae]

Blimey. Did she/he ever get a passport I wonder?

[joeactor]

An attorney is driving down a country road and sees two men in a field on their hands and knees eating grass.
He pulls over and asks "Uh, what are you guys doing?"
One of the men stands up and says "We can't find jobs in this economy, and we're hungry. So we decided to eat this grass"
The attorney replies "You're both welcome to come over to my house and eat. C'mon - hop in the car!"
The men say "We've got our families here too..."
The attorney says "They're welcome too. Gather them up and get in."
Once they're all in the car, the attorney starts driving toward home and says "You're gonna love it at my house - the grass is almost a foot high!"

(thanks to my neighbor for that one)

[Icarus]

^ Cruel lawyer joke 

[Ecurb Noselrub]

What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?

He gets taller.

[Asmodean Prime]

Just testing to see what the db will do...

[Biggus Dickus]

Just testing to see what the db will do...

By db do you mean Douche-Bag?

Don't know why you wouldn't just refer to JJ by name

[Asmodean]

Who knoweth what The OmniAsmoest of all Asmos meaneth?! 

[Eric V Arachnid]

Whoooeee Claire is on a rant. I say give 'em hell girl. 

If it is any consolation, we have some of that same bullshit here in the US.

Why would it cost 30 pounds for a duplicate birth certificate?  That seems excessive.

I don't think Claire was on a rant, she was probably just doing her ironying (it's a new word, vote for it please).  Probably ran out proper quote tags too, you know whose fault that is.