Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Guardian85]

[Tank]

[joeactor]

^^^ LOL!

(tank's on fire!)

[Tank]

[Biggus Dickus]

What's wrong with cuddling Tank, I like to cuddle.







Apparently this guy didn't pass...

[Tom62]

[Michael1]

[Magdalena]

 

 

[Biggus Dickus]

A Father walks into hotel with his family, and while checking in at the front desk asks the clerk if the porn channel in their room is disabled, and the clerk replies, " It's just regular porn you sick fuck".





Today I was offered sex with a beautiful woman. In exchange for the sex I only had to advertise a new kind of bathroom cleaner to all my friends and family, as well as spread the word on social media.

Of course I declined such a proposition, after-all not only am I married, but I'm also a person of extremely high moral standards (Practically full blown Pentecostal I'm so fucking righteous) along with a strong will power.

How strong you ask?

We'll just as strong as the new "Misty Delight" bathroom cleaner, now available scented with soft hints of lemon or vanilla, and available at most major retail outlets.

[Essie Mae]

How times have changed, (for the better).  Finally getting round to sorting out my father's papers, and found this joke he got my mum to tell at a Ladies' Night he organised for the company he worked for. 

Before they're wed, she sinks into his arms; afterwards she's up to her arms in the sink!

[Pasta Chick]

This showed up on my FB credited to John Cleese, which I don't entirely doubt, but also it's FB:

NATIONAL LEVELS OF ALERT - THREATS TO EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. 

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

[Biggus Dickus]

That's very good PC, very good.

We should come up with some for America.

Hows about:

From "War" to "All Out War", to "Armageddon"?

[Magdalena]

That's very good PC, very good.

We should come up with some for America.

Hows about:

From "War" to "All Out War", to "Armageddon"?

That's pretty good, but Armageddon is so two thousand and late. Space will be the battlefield for World War III. Come on Bruno de la Pole, you gotta keep up with destruction fashion. 

[Essie Mae]

This showed up on my FB credited to John Cleese, which I don't entirely doubt, but also it's FB:

NATIONAL LEVELS OF ALERT - THREATS TO EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. 

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Like it a lot.

[Tom62]

That's very good PC, very good.

We should come up with some for America.

Hows about:

From "War" to "All Out War", to "Armageddon"?

What about:
From "Business as usual" to "Business as usual", to "Business as usual"?