Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Guardian85]

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base.  They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel.  The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.  They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...  Only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[Tank]

YES!!!!

[Biggus Dickus]

[Essie Mae]

YES!!!!

Love dem little green balls - been eating them all my life, and not dead yet.

[Claireliontamer]

YES!!!!

Love dem little green balls - been eating them all my life, and not dead yet.

Me too. I think they're particularly good fried with bacon.

[Tank]

[OldGit]

Me too. I think they're particularly good fried with bacon.

I think they're best when in the rubbish sack.

[Guardian85]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[Biggus Dickus]

This is funny, and I like it, but I find it odd that someone would think  blurring out the "U" in fucking makes it cleaner or less offensive?

Sort of strange.

[OldGit]

Good one, Guardian!

[Tank]

[Buddy]

Groan!

[Biggus Dickus]

USER BANNED FOR THIS POST

[Claireliontamer]

A photon checks into a hotel. "Any luggage?" asks the receptionist. "No," replies the photon "I'm travelling light".

[Guardian85]

Two bacteria walk into a bar. "We don't serve microbes in this establishment" says the bartender.
"But we work here. We're staph."