Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Icarus]

A randy young sailor from Poole
found a red ring round his tool
when he rushed to the clinic
the doctor, a cynic
said: "wash it, it's lipstick you fool.

[Magdalena]

^^^

[Guardian85]

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office.  "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals.  We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated. What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body.  You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts.  We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?" Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!"  General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds" Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!" General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds" Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!" General: "That's a strange but fair request, son! As the general begins the measurement: "What!  Son, where is your left pinky?" Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"

[Lee]

 

[Kent]

To all the surviving wounded and victims' families of the recent multiple-fatality traffic accident in Venice, Italy I would like to extend my deepest gondolences.

[Guardian85]

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning."
"Thank you very much, sir."

[OldGit]

^ 

[Tom62]

[Lee]

LMAO.... priceless!

To my grandsons... "stay out of Mimi's toy box!"   

[joeactor]

  (very funny... eight thumbs up!)

[Guardian85]

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. 
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.  Is something bothering you?"  "Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."  The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." 
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little.  Relax and enjoy yourself."  The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. 
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"  The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." 
She said, "Well, there you are.  You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!  Isn't that a little extreme?"  The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so?  It's only 2130 now."

[Biggus Dickus]

This is supposed to be a cookie cutter of a fluffy cloud, with a rainbow jutting out of it, and a pot of gold at the end...not sure why I don't see that, but I'll be baking this weekend.



I'll make a batch of small of white vanilla cookies to have with tea, and then a big batch of chocolate cookies to have with milk or coffee.

[Tom62]

[Lee]

This is supposed to be a cookie cutter of a fluffy cloud, with a rainbow jutting out of it, and a pot of gold at the end...not sure why I don't see that, but I'll be baking this weekend.



I'll make a batch of small of white vanilla cookies to have with tea, and then a big batch of chocolate cookies to have with milk or coffee.

SO I made the mistake of searching for a vagina cookie cutter because I thought it would be a funny post to match yours... no, don't do it.... just don't. 

[Essie Mae]

 OK, I won't, but obviously you are implying that there is such a thing!