Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Kent]

True story.

I met a chap while working in the US in '88. He was so fed up with American women he deliberately planned to find an Asian wife while doing overseas service after completing university. First problem, being American, he had no fucking idea where anything is outside of America. So when asked if he wanted to go to Cameroon to teach English (they speak French in Cameroon) he was delighted as he thought it was Cambodia! Boy was he pissed when he found Cameroon was in Africa. However he was stuck with it so went.

On arrival he found all the 15/16/17 yo girls in his class flirting with him mercilessly. He found this more than a little disconcerting. He discussed this with his Cameroonian mentor/helper. This chap didn't understand the problem. Apparently as a professional American who would take his wife back to America he was the best 'catch' to come to the university since forever. His mentor did mention that to test the goods without intending to follow through with marriage would result in the girl's family killing him. So look but don't touch until you've made your mind up. He was, initially, horrified but one particular young lady caught his eye. They married and had two kids and then they came back to America.

In Cameroon his wife had been exactly what he was looking for she satisfied his every whim and looked up to him like a lord. Apparently this attitude didn't sit well with his sisters back in the USA. Within 6 months they had metaphorically beaten this attitude out of her. So he looks back on his time in Africa as his golden years.

No particular point to this story just triggered by the joke above.

Wow.  As an American citizen, I find it deeply troubling how un-knowledgeable many of my fellows are on such diverse subjects as world geography, history of civilizations, and cultural/ tribal differences among populations, just to name a few.   It's almost as if they believe that the US is the only country in the world worth knowing about. 

For example, I recently spoke with an otherwise well-heeled, well-spoken gentleman who had never before heard of Mesopotamia, nor did he have the slightest clue where the Carpathian Range was, or how long the Faroes ruled Egypt before selling it all to the British Museum. 

Can you imagine?   

[Lee]

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

[Tom62]

^ROFL 

[Magdalena]

"She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

ROFL!!

[Davin]

[Tank]

[Tom62]

[Tom62]

[Tom62]

[Larry]

Fables for our times...

[Kent]

A woman won the Lotto and became an overnight millionaire. 

The following day after collecting her winnings, she went to the local dairy farm and asked whether they could provide her with sufficient milk for a bath, something she had always wanted to try.

"Certainly," said the farmer. "That shouldn't be a problem in the least.  Would you like it Pasteurized?"
"Oh, no," replied the woman, "just up to my tits would be fine."

[Tom62]

Funny two-liners

1. Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.

2. My wife accused me of being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.

4. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, they're efficient and not very funny.

5. What do you call a dog with no legs.
It doesn't matter; it's not going to come.

6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.
You have my Word.

7. What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
A pool table.

8. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor bastard.

9. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.

10. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
Even the cake was in tiers.

11. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.
Runs in our jeans.

12. A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

13. A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar.
The bartender gave it to her.

14. Want to hear a word I just made up?
Plagiarism.

15. Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

16. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey.

17. To the handicapped guy who stole my bag -
You can hide but you can't run.

18. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.

19. And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

20. Q: How do you think the unthinkable?
A: With an itheberg.

21. Someone stole my mood ring,
I don't know how I feel about that.

22. I tried to catch fog yesterday,
Mist.

23. The first rule of Alzheimer's club,
Is don't talk about chess club.

24. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

25. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.

[Claireliontamer]

I love those type of jokes.

[Guardian85]

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.  He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.  The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.  The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.  The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans.  You are such a rude class of people.  Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady.  May I sit there?  I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!  Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.  And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[Lee]

^^^^