Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[Icarus]

^ 

[Kent]

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please!  Today we will be conducting live power tool identification exercises, effective immediately.








This is not a drill.

[Tank]

^^^ OFFS!

[Guardian85]

An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.
He replied, "Wife Name - Three Horse."
"That's an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?"
"It's old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag."

[Tom62]

A native American boy asked his father: "Dad, how did we get our names?"
"Well son," replies the father. "it all has to do with the way you are born.
For example, your sister was born in the morning, so we named her Rising Sun.
Your brother was born next to a river, so we named him Running Brook.
Why do you ask Broken Rubber?

[Kent]

It has been claimed that I conduct myself with a casual, ineffable manner. 

And while much of that may well be true, I should point out to any ladies who may be present that I can actually be quite effable once you've consumed sufficient amounts of alcohol. 

Thanks, I'm here all week. Don't forget to tip your servers.

[Lee]

It has been claimed that I conduct myself with a casual, ineffable manner. 

And while much of that may well be true, I should point out to any ladies who may be present that I can actually be quite effable once you've consumed sufficient amounts of alcohol. 

Thanks, I'm here all week. Don't forget to tip your servers.

Your avatar is adorable but do you think it's safe to post your own pic on the net.

[Kent]

Your avatar is adorable but do you think it's safe to post your own pic on the net.

It's just an outdated driver's license photo, but it's the only one I have that shows my inner charm (a giant tongue).  What.

[Icarus]

SOMEWHERE... IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE...

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
- One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
- The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
- The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
- The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
- The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
- The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
- The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
- The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
- The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

[Kent]

^^^Nice one!

Passing through the airport security check on my way to board a flight the other day, I was asked whether I was in possession of any firearms. Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the kind of response they were expecting.

[Lee]

SOMEWHERE... IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE...

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
- One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
- The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
- The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
- The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
- The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
- The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
- The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
- The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
- The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

Somehow I just knew that US women would be the biggest bitch on the list.  


I like this version better.

SOMEWHERE... IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE...

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
- One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
- The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
- The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
- The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
- The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
- The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
- The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
- The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
- The two American men are so busy having a pissing contest over who has a bigger package that the woman gave up and is sleeping with carved coconut shell dong, perfectly satisfied because she is willing to try new things.
- The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

[Tank]

True story.

I met a chap while working in the US in '88. He was so fed up with American women he deliberately planned to find an Asian wife while doing overseas service after completing university. First problem, being American, he had no fucking idea where anything is outside of America. So when asked if he wanted to go to Cameroon to teach English (they speak French in Cameroon) he was delighted as he thought it was Cambodia! Boy was he pissed when he found Cameroon was in Africa. However he was stuck with it so went.

On arrival he found all the 15/16/17 yo girls in his class flirting with him mercilessly. He found this more than a little disconcerting. He discussed this with his Cameroonian mentor/helper. This chap didn't understand the problem. Apparently as a professional American who would take his wife back to America he was the best 'catch' to come to the university since forever. His mentor did mention that to test the goods without intending to follow through with marriage would result in the girl's family killing him. So look but don't touch until you've made your mind up. He was, initially, horrified but one particular young lady caught his eye. They married and had two kids and then they came back to America.

In Cameroon his wife had been exactly what he was looking for she satisfied his every whim and looked up to him like a lord. Apparently this attitude didn't sit well with his sisters back in the USA. Within 6 months they had metaphorically beaten this attitude out of her. So he looks back on his time in Africa as his golden years.

No particular point to this story just triggered by the joke above.

[Lee]

^^^^ Good one!

[Magdalena]

- The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

Somehow I just knew that US women would be the biggest bitch on the list.  
I like this version better.
- The two American men are so busy having a pissing contest over who has a bigger package that the woman gave up and is sleeping with carved coconut shell dong, perfectly satisfied because she is willing to try new things.

I would like to add 2 Latino men and 1 Latina woman to this stereotype joke.
-The two Latino men will encourage the Latina woman to take a look at the winner of the--Who Has A Bigger Package? Competition, and the carved coconut shell dong. This should motivate her to build a raft big enough for three. 

[Lee]

- The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

Somehow I just knew that US women would be the biggest bitch on the list.  
I like this version better.
- The two American men are so busy having a pissing contest over who has a bigger package that the woman gave up and is sleeping with carved coconut shell dong, perfectly satisfied because she is willing to try new things.

I would like to add 2 Latino men and 1 Latina woman to this stereotype joke.
-The two Latino men will encourage the Latina woman to take a look at the winner of the--Who Has A Bigger Package? Competition, and the carved coconut shell dong. This should motivate her to build a raft big enough for three. 

LOL.... that's right!