Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[OldGit]

^ 


Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.
The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard replied:'You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.'
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous.
When he asked how he'd raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said:'You see that bridge over there?'
The Spaniard replied:'No.'.....

[Kent]

A man walks into a bar with a newt sitting on his shoulder.  The bartender sees it, and properly identifies it as a local species of newt rather than a salamander or a gecko, which pleases the man, so he orders a drink. 

The bartender, returning with his order and setting it on the bar, asks whether the little fellow has a name.

"His name is Tiny," replies the patron as he takes a sip of his drink. "What do I owe you?"

"Three fifty," the bartender replies. "Why do you call him that?"

"Because he's my newt."

[Tom62]

 ??? I don't get it

[Lee]

A man walks into a bar with a newt sitting on his shoulder.  The bartender sees it, and properly identifies it as a local species of newt rather than a salamander or a gecko, which pleases the man, so he orders a drink. 

The bartender, returning with his order and setting it on the bar, asks whether the little fellow has a name.

"His name is Tiny," replies the patron as he takes a sip of his drink. "What do I owe you?"

"Three fifty," the bartender replies. "Why do you call him that?"

"Because he's my newt."

Bwahahahahaha........ 

[Lee]

??? I don't get it

"because he's my-newt."

It's a pun play on words. Kent is quite the punster. 

mi·nute 2
   (mī-no͞ot′, -nyo͞ot′, mĭ-)
adj.
1.  Exceptionally small; tiny. See Synonyms at  small.

2.  Not worthy of notice; insignificant: a minute problem.

3.  Characterized by careful scrutiny and close examination: held a minute inspection of the grounds.


[Middle English, from Latin minūtus, past participle of minuere, to lessen; see mei- in Indo-European roots.]


mi·nute′ly adv.

mi·nute′ness n.

[Larry]

or, iddy-biddy, to resort to the vernacular.

[Kent]

Okay, that was a little obscure I guess.  So here's another pet joke.


A prize winning best-in-show pedigreed dog collapses on the floor in front of the owner. The horrified owner doesn't waste a second.  He scoops the dog up in his arms and runs straight to the veterinarian's office down the street.

Rushing into the vet's office he places the dog gently on the counter, and shouts, "My dog won't wake up!" The vet comes over and puts his stethoscope to the dog's chest.

"I'm sorry sir, but your dog is dead."

"No!" says the owner, "he's not dead!  He's a purebred world class champion in perfect shape!  He can't be dead. Aren't there any more tests you can do?"

"Sure, I could do more tests," says the vet.  He disappears to the back room and comes out with a black Labrador retriever and instructs the retriever to jump up onto the counter. The retriever slowly and carefully sniffs all around the dead dog, then looks up with a forlorn expression and shakes his head no, toward the vet.

The vet says, "Well I'm sorry sir he's gone.

"No! He can't be," the owner laments. "Isn't there anything else you can do?"

The vet walks into the back room again, and this time he comes back with a tiger-striped cat.  He places the tabby on the counter beside the dead dog. The cat sniffs all around the dog and after a few moments shakes his head at the vet, no.

"Well," the vet says, "I'm sorry your dog is dead and there is nothing I can do to bring him back to life. So if you could just pay the bill for today's visit to the secretary that would be best. The secretary hands him a bill for $1500. The owner is incredulous.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS FOR?"

"Well, it's $200 for administration fees, $600 for the Lab test and another $700 for the cat scan."

[Lee]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!"

[Guardian85]

^ An oldie, but a gooodie. 




There's a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink... One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp... Then he turned to Bob and said, "Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week... I can't believe it"... At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut some guys out all together"

[Kent]

Two best friends sat at the bar waxing philosophic about life, love, and the relentless passage of time. 

One of them spotted a pair of old geezers sitting across the bar from them, and remarked to his cohort, "Just think, Bill.  In a couple more years, that'll be us."

Bill sipped his beer thoughtfully, glanced across the bar for a moment, and proclaimed, "That's a mirror, you asshole."

[Tom62]

"Father, I have sinned" said the old Dutch farmer to the pastor.
"What have you done, my son?"
"I'd hidden two Jewish families in my shed, during WW-II".
"Well", the priest said ", that was a very humanitarian deed. There is nothing sinful about that"
"But, I charged them rent", the farmer said.
The pastor:  "That is not nice, but it is understandable, because you had more mouths to feed".
"That is not all", replied the farmer, "I told them only this morning that the war has ended".

[Kent]

Tommy and Nick walk into a pet shop. They go straight to the bird section. The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.
"Yeah, we'll take four of those budgies in that cage up there", says Nick, "Put 'em in a brown paper bag."
The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Nick's van and drive until they reach a vertical cliff with a sheer 150-meter drop.
"This looks like a grand place", says Nick, so he pulls over and parks.
He then takes his two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Tommy watches as his friend drops off the edge and goes straight down for several seconds followed by a loud "Splat!"  As Tommy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head.
"No way!" Tommy says, "This budgie jumpin' is too dangerous for me..."

A few minutes later, James approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying a brown paper bag. James pulls a parrot out of the bag and also withdraws a big shiny pistol.
"Watch this, Tommy," he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Tommy watches as half way down James aims the gun at the parrot and blows its head off.  James continues to plummet until he joins Nick's remains at the bottom of the cliff.
Tommy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never tryin' that parrot-shootin' either..."

After a few minutes, Danny strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying a brown paper bag.  Danny pulls a live chicken out of the bag. He lifts the chicken above his head, holds its legs and launches himself off the cliff with much the same result.
Once more Tommy shakes his head.
"I swear, Danny, what the hell.  First there was Nick with his budgie jumpin', then James parrot-shootin' and now you with your hengliding..."

[Kent]

I was looking for another word for "thesaurus" so I looked it up in my thesaurus.

It said: "Don't be a smart-ass!"

[Lee]

I was looking for another word for "thesaurus" so I looked it up in my thesaurus.

It said: "Don't be a smart-ass!"

bwahahahaha.....

[Tank]

A woman buys 12 pairs of underpants for her husband; they are all the same colour.

Hubby: Why all same colour sweetheart? People will think I never change my underwear.

Wife: Which people?