Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[OldGit]

^funny!

IMPORTANT SCAM WARNING RECEIVED BY E-MAIL

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say, "No", but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen April 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also May 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, etc.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
Let's be safe out there 

[Larry]

Many thanks for the important public service announcement...We can never be too safe!

[Pasta Chick]

Evolution vs Kansas

https://www.facebook.com/Kevin.Karstens/videos/2421883103051/

Sorry, I couldn't figure out how to embed this. Seth McFarlane hits the nail on the head.

I don't think we can imbed videos, which is maybe a good thing considering some members have a tough time just with .gifs

In any case, Cosmos For Rednecks, also courtesy Seth McFarlane.

[Lee]

Evolution vs Kansas

https://www.facebook.com/Kevin.Karstens/videos/2421883103051/

Sorry, I couldn't figure out how to embed this. Seth McFarlane hits the nail on the head.

I don't think we can imbed videos, which is maybe a good thing considering some members have a tough time just with .gifs

In any case, Cosmos For Rednecks, also courtesy Seth McFarlane.

LOL....

[Tank]

[Biggus Dickus]

So OldGit goes into see his doctor, and after the examination is over the doctor tells him he needs a sperm sample, so he gives OldGit a jar with a lid on it, and says, "I know this might be difficult for you to provide the needed sample here in the office under these settings, so just take this jar home, and when you feel up to it go ahead and do what you need to do, and then bring the jar along with the sample in it back to my office".

The next day OldGit returns to the doctors office and hands the doctor the jar which is just as clean and empty as it was the day before so the doctor asks, "What happened, why is it empty"?

So OldGit he says, "Well Doc, it's like this - first I tried with my left hand, no good, so I tried the right hand and still no luck. So then I asked Mrs. Git to help. First she tried with one hand, then the other, even used both hands and still no luck".

"So than I called over the neighbor from next door, and she tried, and I have to tell you old Arleen gave it a hell of a go. She used her hands, an armpit, even squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing".

The doctor was shocked, he said, "You asked your neighbor to help as well"?

"Yep, said OldGit, why even her husband Roland gave it a try, and darn it if none of us could get that damn lid off".

[OldGit]

^

[Icarus]

A man went to a New York bank to borrow 5000 dollars for his two week trip to Europe. Bankers needs collateral. Man has a Ferrari with clear unencumbered title. Banker  says OK we will hold the Ferrari until you repay us. Done deal. Man gets his  5 grand and gives the keys to the banker. Bank impounds the car in a secure indoor place.

Man returns from his trip and promptly pays the loan along with $28.30 dollars auto storage fee.  Banker discovers that the man is filthy rich and 5 grand would be pocket change for him. He asks why did you borrow money from us. Man says where else could you store your car safely in New York, for two weeks, and pay only $28.30?

[Kent]

Abe and Sol are out for a walk together when they pass a Catholic church.  The sign in front of the church says, "We'll give $1,000 to anyone who converts."

"Oy vey, 1,000 smackers for converting? They must be desperate," observes Abe.

Sol says, "Wait here, I'll be right back." He goes inside.

Some hours pass.  Finally, Sol emerges from the church and rejoins his friend Abe who is still waiting outside.

Abe asks, "What happened?"
"I converted." Sol says.
"Wow! Did they give you the thousand bucks?" says Abe.
Sol replies, "Is that all you people think about?"

[Guardian85]

A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
The officer let him go without even a warning.

[Magdalena]

[Biggus Dickus]

Dogs are so cute and funny.

[Guardian85]

A nun wakes up one morning and as she's walking down the hallway to the convent kitchen the first door after hers opens up and another nun exits and says: "Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
As the first nun continues down the hallway this keeps happening.
"Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
"Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
By the end of the hallway, and 15 times later the first nun is LIVID, and marches straight to the head sister's office and throws the door open. The head nun goes to speak, when the other shouts:
"DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME I GOT UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED THIS MORNING! IT'S ALL I'VE HEARD THIS MORNING AND I'M FED UP WITH IT."
The head nun, stunned, says calmly: "I was going to say nothing of the sort! I was merely going to ask - why are you wearing the bishop's slippers?"

[OldGit]

[joeactor]

Funny!

Had to look up the site:
http://fakescience.org/the-habits-of-highly-successful-scientists/

Here's another one: