Jokes Thread (Was named Anyone know any good jokes ? I'll start :D )

[OldGit]

^^ That's amusing and rather clever.

[Tank]

[Biggus Dickus]

^^^That's good!^^^

[Magdalena]

^^^ 

[OldGit]

^^^^ 

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing their usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As he  walked in, almost awake, she turned to him  and said softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
His  eyes lit up and he  thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment,  he  embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen, table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled,  he  asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

[Magdalena]

^^^
Oh, I get it! Soft boiled eggs, 2 minutes!
*Ahem* I've never had them. 

[Lee]

Bwahahahahaha...... and yet kind of heartbreaking. 

[Biggus Dickus]

^^^
Oh, I get it! Soft boiled eggs, 2 minutes!
*Ahem* I've never had them. 

Obviously the chap in the story was English

[Claireliontamer]

^^^
Oh, I get it! Soft boiled eggs, 2 minutes!
*Ahem* I've never had them. 

Obviously the chap in the story was English

Yep, I'll never go back to English again

[Claireliontamer]

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:  (I'm skeptical)

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

[OldGit]

^ Good ones, but I'm also a bit skeptical about some of them.

[Claireliontamer]

^ Good ones, but I'm also a bit skeptical about some of them.

Sadly I have members of my extended family who complain Spain is full of too many Spanish people!

[Crow]

I really hope number 12 is a joke and not legit.

[Claireliontamer]

19 is the most worrying one.

[Icarus]

Me too Claire, Number 19 is a hoot. The rest of them are good for some chuckles too.